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Review by Loki |
2009-03-29
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Congratulations on posting this fic.
I think the storyline is very good. I am not a huge reader of Inuyasha, but I have BETA edited for the fandom on ariasink for a couple of people and enjoy it.
I want to give you a balanced review so please bear with me.
Characterization, from as much or as little as I know of this fandom came over as pretty good. I think you have a distinct knack of getting into your protagonist/antagonist's heads and do so in a convincing way.
World building:
Excelent, among the best I've seen and I encourage you to build on this by exploring the subtexts of a setting in your imagination and taking full advantage: scents, flora and the more intricate features of the landscape. As it was the descriptions fo the bathing pool, the forest and the magic and more were well blended. I liked the dialogue between the two women and that scene was clear and well conveyed.
Inuyasha's reaction to Kagome's guarded response over the robes also a good scene.
Vocab, I think your vocab is good, although I feel you could definitely expand it as the range of language to reduce some repeat word usage would strengthen and enhanse the piece.
Grammar: I have a personal aversion to punctuation multiples and I know people use these but I have to express my objections to this form are anchored in the laws of grammar, and while these can now and then in the opinion of some are considered 'stylistic' and 'subversive' nonetheless this usage should be reduced to one or two uses per chapter at most. Idealy, if you're seeking to one day become a serious writer desiring to get into that elite bracket, the (?!, !!! etc, ought to be the first thing you get rid of and as I read somewhere, use punctuation as a car horn, have enough faith in the dialogue and the power of words to convey your intension, this will serve any writer well.
Dialogue tags:
Here, you need to consider the end form of a sentence. You place a period before closing quotes and followed with a capitalized pronoun, and even where a proper noun is used, the 'comma' before the closing quotes is appropriate. The only acception is where the dialogue tag is a complete idea and can stand as a independent self-contained sentence. I will give two brief examples:
"Hi Kagome," Inuyasha said, wiping his brow.
"Hi Inuyasha," she said, somewhat embarrassed.
Other example where your period would work:
:"Kagome is looking for something and I think I know what. " He muttered under his breath and scratched the back of his head, and sat by the fire and pulled out the strange object he'd found on his wanderings.
The last example is a 'stand alone' sentence. See? :)
Careful of the over-use of the word, 'bit. and you don't need to use 'out' so much :) I had a little problem with one or two words in the otherwise passionate love making scenes, I think you know to which I refer. But that just might be me, the over-all power was good but the C words as a reader I found jarred and broke the beautiful flow and yet the animal energy was there, just a thought.
Last, I think over-all the story is well poised and you have something very interesting here. Well done and a resource that I think you will find most helpful.
Thank you for sharing your gift with us...
http://www.users.qwest.net/~yarnspnr/writing/adverbs/adverbs.htm
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