Saying Goodbye

	She was nothing but a burden to her family.

	Her parents would never say as much, of course. Haruka 
knew they loved her, but it was just simple math. With seven 
mouths to feed on the combined salary of an unsuccessful jazz 
pianist/mechanic and an avant garde artist who *maybe* sold one 
painting a month, if she was lucky, there just wasn’t enough money 
to go around, not even with the extra earnings Haruka brought in 
from her racing. 

	It didn‘t help matters that in a few months she would be 
starting high school. Personally, she didn’t care one way or the 
other if she continued with her studies or not. Haruka would have 
been perfectly happy quitting school and joining her father’s auto 
shop as she pursued her dream of racing, but it had always been 
her father’s dream for all of his kids to go to high school, 
something he had been unable to do, due to her mother’s unplanned 
teenage pregnancy and the need to financially provide for his new 
family.

	Sometimes, Haruka seriously thought it would have been 
better if she had never been born. If it wasn’t for her, her 
parents would have been able to go on to high school, maybe even 
college, if they so wanted. Her father might have been able to 
seriously pursue a career in music, instead of just playing 
weekends at his friend’s nightclub, and her mother could have 
studied to become an art teacher like she wanted before she got 
pregnant. They could have made something of themselves if it hadn‘t 
been for her.

	One time when she was about twelve, while she was helping 
out at the shop after school, Haruka had told her father how she 
felt, how she blamed herself for the family’s less-than-ideal 
financial situation. Tenoh Yoshiro was not one to lose his temper 
easily, but he had been furious when she confessed her true 
feelings. Haruka still remembered the hurt and anger in his voice 
as he yelled at her, telling her how he and her mother never once 
regretted the choices they had made in their lives, how happy she 
and her siblings made them. After that, she never mentioned it 
again, but his words did little to assuage her guilt.

	That was why she threw herself so passionately into her 
racing. Haruka thought if she could contribute to the household 
funds, she would feel like less of a burden. It helped, a little, 
but her parents insisted on saving most of the money for her high 
school education, instead of using it to buy little Kasumi, her 
only sister, some actual girl’s clothes, or buying a new couch for 
their living room to replace their old, ratty one. They only ever 
took enough of her money to get by, and even that had been a 
struggle.

	Well, no longer, thought Haruka as she quietly packed her 
largest duffle bag, doing her best not to wake Kasumi, who was 
sleeping over in the next futon. If her parents refused to take 
her money to make a better life for the family, then she wouldn’t 
give them a choice in the matter. She would not be a burden any 
more.

	Opening the top drawer of her and Kasumi’s shared dresser, 
Haruka pulled out the letter she received in the mail last week 
and looked at the return address. It was from a very wealthy 
racing aficionado, who was known for taking young, promising 
drivers under his wing, becoming their sponsor and mentor on their 
way to the top of the ranks. He had extended the invitation to 
Haruka, and, after a lot of serious thought, she had finally 
decided to take him up on the offer.

	She did not discuss her decision with her family. She knew 
what would have happened if she had: her parents would have 
forbidden it, saying the Tenoh family did not accept charity, and 
her place was with her family.

	So, Haruka was forced to sneak out in the middle of the 
night with only a couple of changes of clothes and a few treasured 
possessions, among them a picture of her family. She smiled sadly 
as she stuffed the letter in her back jeans pocket and reached for 
the lone picture frame sitting atop the dresser.

	"Mama, Papa, Masuyo, Daiki, Kasumi, Takeshi…" As she 
whispered each one of their names, Haruka touched each of their 
faces in the photograph in turn. "I’m sorry," she apologized. "I’ll 
miss you all, but this is something I have to do. It’ll be 
better for everyone this way. Papa, I promise I’ll go to high 
school somehow, so use my money and don’t worry about me. I’ll be 
fine." 

	Just then, Haruka heard Kasumi mumble something in her 
sleep. She froze in place, hoping her little sister wouldn’t wake 
up and ask what she was doing. Luckily, Kasumi soon settled back 
down into a peaceful sleep. With a sigh of relief, Haruka placed 
the picture in her bag, zipped the bag up, then kneeled down 
beside Kasumi’s futon, pulling the thin blanket she had kicked 
away during the night back up to her shoulders.

	"See ya, kiddo," she said in a soft voice before standing 
back up and throwing her duffel bag over her shoulder.

	It was well after midnight, so everybody else in the 
apartment was already asleep. Haruka fought back the urge to open 
the door to the boys’ room as she passed by, not wanting to risk 
waking one of her younger brothers up. Instead, with the stealth 
of a ninja, she made her way to the living room in the dark, 
swearing under her breath when she accidentally stepped on one of 
Daiki’s cheap plastic toy soldiers, which he had forgotten to put 
away, with her bare foot.

	Finally, she made it to the front door. Letting out a sigh 
of relief, Haruka sat down and felt around for her favorite pair 
of beaten-up sneakers among the line of shoes in front of the 
door.

	"Where are they?" she muttered to herself, wishing she had 
at least turned on a lamp. "I can’t see a damn thing!"

	Almost like magic, the room suddenly filled with a bright 
light, startling Haruka. She turned around to find her mother 
Suzume standing beside the light switch, fifteen-month-old Takeshi 
in her arms. Her little brother, upon seeing Haruka, stretched out 
his arms and happily cooed, "Nee! Nee!"

	Her mother frowned. "Haruka-chan, what are you doing out 
of bed so late?" she asked. "Tonight’s a school night."

	"Uhh…" Haruka stood back up, trying to think of a suitable 
excuse, but unable to do so. 

	It was too late anyway. Her mother had already seen her 
duffel bag.

	"Oh, Haruka-chan…"

	"Don’t try to talk me out of leaving," Haruka said, her 
voice shaking slightly in spite her best efforts. "I have to do 
this. It‘s for the best."

	"But why?" Her mother came closer, her eyes, full of 
confusion, roving to Haruka’s stomach, which was mostly hidden by 
the bulky, hooded fleece pull-over she wore. "Are you pregnant?"

	If the situation wasn’t so serious, Haruka might have 
laughed at the suggestion. Her? Pregnant? She had never even 
kissed a guy! Not that she ever had the urge. Boys simply did not 
interest her like they did other girls her age.

	"No, I’m not pregnant, Mama. I’m not you."

	That had been a low blow, and Haruka immediately regretted 
it. She would not have blamed her mother in the least had she 
slapped her, and she even steeled herself for the stinging blow, 
but her mother only pursed her lips together, setting Takeshi down 
to crawl on the floor while they talked.

	"Where do you plan to go?" her mother asked. 

	Silently, Haruka reached for the letter inside her back 
pocket and handed it to her mother to read.

	"This man…wants to be your patron?"

	Haruka nodded. "He’s offered to pay for everything I need: 
my tuition, living expenses, traveling costs to races --"

	"In exchange for what, Haruka?" her mother interrupted. 
"Your body?"

	"Mama, it’s not like that at all. He does this for a lot 
of young racers."

	"What do you even know about this man?" 

	"I know that he’s rich, and he wants to help me make it to 
the big time," Haruka snapped, snatching the letter out of her 
mother’s hands. Then, realizing how rude she must have sounded, 
she sighed. "I’ll be fine," she declared. "Don’t worry about me 
anymore. Focus on the others." She looked over at Takeshi, who was 
happily playing with Daiki’s toy soldier, the one she had stepped 
on as she tried to sneak out, and smiled. "Things will be better 
around here when I’m not around. One less mouth to feed."

	"How can you even say that? We love you, and we --"

	Before her mother could finish, Haruka held up her hand, 
signaling her to stop. "I know, Mama," she said, "and thank you, 
but I have to go. It’s more than just the money; I feel like 
something’s pushing me to leave. I don’t know if it is fate, or 
destiny, or whatever, but I can’t ignore it. I have to find it, 
whatever it is, and I can’t do that here. Can’t you understand?"

	For a long moment, her mother didn’t say a word. Haruka 
found herself holding her breath, though she wasn’t exactly sure 
why. After what seemed like an eternity, however, her mother 
bridged the gap between them and embraced Haruka, surprising her.

	"Be happy, my Haruka-chan," her mother whispered. "That’s 
all I ever wanted for you, and if you truly believe you can find 
that happiness somewhere else, then go with my blessings. But 
remember, no matter who you become, whether it’s an F1 champion 
driver, a janitor, or something else entirely, your family will 
always love you."

	"Mama…"

	Haruka stayed in her mother’s warm arms for a moment 
longer, then finally pulled away. She saw sadness in her mother’s 
eyes, but there was something else, too -- pride. Haruka smiled, 
and, after putting on her shoes and grabbing her duffle bag, she 
turned to leave.

	"Good-bye, Mama," she said as she walked out the door, the 
cool night breeze ruffling her hair.

	Good-bye, old life.

	Hello, new.

DISCLAIMER: "Sailor Moon" is the property of Takeuchi Naoko. 

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Comments and criticisms can be sent to me at 
ElysionDream@aol.com. This was written for the sm_monthly 
community at Livejournal (Theme: Burden).