Lunatic Fringe (Cat O' Nine Tales 2) Rated PG Cat's motto: no matter what you've done, always try to make it look like the dog did it. -Unknown Greetings! His lordship Chaos returns once more with another feline fantasy. Ripped from the world of Naoko Takeuchi, Cat O' Nine Tales was originally meant to be but a single story, dedicated to that white tomcat who's certainly had his fur rubbed the wrong way too many times to count. However, sometimes creativity can return with a vengeance. And thus now Lunatic Fringe is the result. Given how Artemis has been overlooked, underwritten and for the most part altogether ignored by his female peers--not to mention the fans of the world he resides in, one could say that a sequel was only a matter of time. So now it's time to let this cat out of the bag again, and prove once and for all that our heroic white tomcat really is the Cat's Pyjamas...even though he actually sleeps in Minako's underwear drawer. Ne? -His lordship Chaos hislordshipchaos@hotmail.com Cat O' Nine Tales, 2nd Life: LUNATIC FRINGE Let's start at the very beginning, for it is in the beginning that all things start. Actually, perhaps we shouldn't start at the beginning since that would probably quadruple the size of this story and no doubt leave you incredibly bored and sleepy. And if that happens, your risk of falling asleep at the computer increases dramatically, causing your face to slam into harshly into the keyboard and thus leaving strange h-j-k-l-; imprints on your cheeks. Our story begins with Artemis discovering that for once a cat really did have his tongue. Actually it was more of a kitten. Namely Diana. Now Diana had created quite the number of interesting problems in the past. Particularly when she first popped up calling him "Daddy" and causing everyone to think that he had been sleeping around. Much to his displeasure (which of course, being the good- natured cat he was, he kept to himself), there was a slight problem once the matter had been finally resolved. No one had apologized to him. No, "Gomen ne, Artemis, but we were wrong" from Minako and the others. Likewise, certainly not an, "Artemis, you really are a great cat. I'm sorry for trying to use your face as a scratching post" from Luna. And definitely the remark "Artemis, you white studmuffin of a tomcat, you! You know you're so damned sexy when you sacrifice yourself to save others in battle?" was nowhere to be found. But a lot of things had happened after that...most of which hadn't boosted his standings in the eyes of the Sailor Senshi. Yet through it all, his daughter from the future still continued to idolize him whenever she decided to do another daytrip into the past. That was, until today. "Odo-sama!" Artemis' eyes groggily opened as Minako's underwear drawer was unceremoniously rattled by the small paws of his daughter. He yawned, his mouth stretching wide open to reveal his slender fangs. Not too thrilled about his catnap being disrupted, he lifted his head from one of Minako's silken SD Sailor V-chan panties and then poked it out through the partially open dresser drawer. "Na ni?" he mumbled, glancing around the bedroom floor. "What is it, Diana?" He found himself really disliking such interruptions of his "sleep just for the sake of sleeping" sessions; if it wasn't for the fact that Minako frowned upon his favourite place to nap, he would have asked her to move her underwear from the bottom drawer to the top one. Less disturbances for him, that way. The drawer was rattled as furiously as Diana could with her little paws. "Odo-sama!" she exclaimed again. "I'm up! I'm up!" he groaned, slowly crawling out of the drawer. He had gone to sleep in the hopes of forgetting about how painful it was to have his front leg cramp up again. It seemed that if he just happened to step on that paw the wrong way, he'd get a charlie horse that had him on the verge of yowling for hours. Thankfully now his muscles were relaxed. "Cerberus," he muttered ruefully to himself. Leave it up to a demonic cat to still pester him even after its demise. Artemis found Diana standing quite impatiently beside the drawer. Hopping down onto the floor, he tried his best to clear his mind. "Ne, what is it, Diana?" he inquired, absently licking one of his paws. The grey kitten--whose fur still seemed to be tinted a slight violet no matter how he looked at her beneath the light--uneasily glanced away for a moment. "Ano...you and ka-sama love each other, right?" Artemis' ears involuntarily twitched. "Of course," he answered very slowly, very carefully. "And you wouldn't do anything to hurt her, right?" Something other than natural instinct was telling Artemis that no good could come out of this particular conversation. "Not intentionally," he said, very careful of how he worded this. "There have been misunderstandings, certainly, but I'd never openly hurt Luna." Diana looked up at him, her eyes wide and starting to tear up. Suddenly she burst into loud sobs, racing right into Artemis and sending him tumbling backwards on the floor. Hard enough for him to nearly choke on a hairball, no less. "Waaaaah!" she cried. "Odo-sama, please don't keep doing this! I'll do whatever you want, but please stop! I don't want to disappear because you're going out with other girls!" Artemis coughed, eyes fluttering open as he tried to regain his senses. "I...did what?" With a vehement nod, Diana started to babble out lungfuls of teary sentences. Half of which only made partial sense to Artemis. He toyed with the notion of videotaping Diana's run-on rant and then play it back at half speed just to figure out what she was saying. Apparently he was flirting with every unspayed minx in the Jyuban district. This he found rather disconcerting. As usual, especially when it came to epic battles with the Senshi against some killer force, he was always the last to know about these things. The Inner Senshi always got the title of "token heroines", while the Outer Senshi got the title of "token brooding heroines." He wasn't going to try and figure out what token gender to tack onto the Starlights. But even Luna was the official "token advisor." And what did he get to be? Token whipping boy, usually. Well Artemis was not to take this potential abuse sitting down. Ironically enough, he still was pinned to the floor by a frantic Diana. "Look, Diana," he stated emphatically, trying to make his voice loud enough to calm down the crying kitten. "I don't know what you're talking about. I mean I *really* don't know what you're talking about. But I can assure you that Luna's the only one for me." Diana sniffled. "Really?" He nodded. "Cross my heart, hope to die." "But what about your other eight lives?" Artemis' ear twitched. "Are you even listening to a word I'm saying?" "Yare yare," Artemis sighed, trotting down one of Tokyo's many sidewalks. "Talk about your overreactions. Like I'd even look at a cat...other than...Luna...." His head drifted left as he followed the alluring saunter of a rather exotic Bombay feline. "Anyhoo," he continued, resuming his brisk walk. "It's not like Luna has anything to get worked up about. I'm not the one who's had crushes on humans." "What about the nun?" a rather cold, feminine voice retorted. Artemis froze in midstep, his blue eyes widening and his tail standing straight up. "Luna!" he said pleasantly (hopefully enough to mask his sudden fear), slowly turning his head. He broke out into nervous laughter...which quickly trailed off when he saw Luna wasn't buying it. "What are you doing here?" he asked. "Care you join me for a walk?" Luna sniffed, looking away scornfully as if he had fleas. "I'd rather use you as a tennis racquet." Artemis stiffened as he spun his body around and sat on the sidewalk. "That's cold," he said, surprised to hear such a tone in her voice. Luna nodded. "Good. I'd hate for you to get the wrong impression of how I was feeling." "What did I do?" Artemis asked. "I've been harmlessly sleeping in Minako's underwear drawer all afternoon!" He paused, realizing what he had just blurted out. "Um...perhaps you should just omit the 'underwear drawer' part of that." "Lecherous tomcat," she stated, her lower jaw quivering. Tears were welling up in her eyes. "L-Luna," Artemis said, taking a concerned step towards her. She was genuinely hurt. And like every other male on the planet who was in a relationship, Artemis had not the slightest idea of just why she was so hurt. "Don't you come near me!" Luna exclaimed, backing away from him and baring her fangs. "You're not worried about me!" "I'm not?" That puzzled Artemis. As far as he knew, Luna couldn't read his mind. Granted she could take a fairly educated guess at what he was thinking, but cats dreamt of electric mice in colour, and all by themselves. And just what did that last thought have to do with the situation he was in?! Luna was trying to look dignified, to salvage whatever pride she had left. "You know exactly what I'm talking about." "No, I really don't!" he stated, getting flustered over a crime he was sure he hadn't committed. "Just what have I done that's rubbed your fur the wrong way?" "Why don't you go ask Ura," Luna retorted, her voice now uneven as she tried to contain herself. "Or how about Tanya? Or maybe Aisha; after all, you were with her last night!" "Last night?" Artemis mused. The previous night in question was one he had spent chasing a squirrel around a dozen neighbourhood backyards. The squirrel wound up calling a number of his rodent buddies, which was why Artemis hadn't bothered telling Minako why he had come home late with a mouthful of leaves and a red bump on his head. But since when had he found the time between hunting a squirrel and running into a fence to escape the squirrels (note the plurality of squirrels implied there), to get romantic on some ladycat he didn't even know? "I'm telling you the truth, Luna!" he protested. "I don't know what you're talking about!" Something didn't smell right to Artemis. It was probably that lingering odour of catnip. Catnip? Artemis gawked as a young female Abyssinian sauntered up to him. Her tail leisurely twirled around his neck as she purred affectionately. "Mmmmm. Ohayo, Aru-chan." He quickly glanced up at Luna, who was glaring at him with eyes fit to kill. "Um...I don't know her." Which was very true. He honestly would have remembered an Abyssinian who reeked of catnip and was trying to hit on him. "Oh, you're so cruel, Aru-chan," the lady cat sighed, rubbing up alongside him. "How can you say such things after last night? I've never been so satisfied, even after finishing off a ball of yarn." "I'm telling ya, you've got the wrong guy!" Artemis protested. "Who are you anyways?!" The Abyssinian scowled, her cinnamon Torie fur wrinkling in the process. Artemis suddenly regretted having demanded her name. "I'm Aisha," she stated. "Don't tell me you've forgotten my name already; you were screaming it all last night." Even though his fur was white, Artemis blushed from head to tail. A vacant, petrified look glazed over his blue eyes. Luna was more than happy to use her claws to snap him out of his shock. Before Artemis knew what had hit him, he was abruptly surrounded by easily a dozen amorous ladycats. And none of them were looking too thrilled with him--especially when they started comparing notes about his alleged love life. "We spent hours frolicking together in my servant's flower garden," said a short-haired Himalayan. She winked at Artemis. "It was worth smothering the periwinkles, Aru-chan." A Persian tabby stated, "Artemis-sempai took me to the back alley of a sushi bar on Tuesday, and then we...." Her voice trailed off and she blushed. "Well, it's not ladylike to speak of such things in public." "I never did anything with you in private either!" Artemis blurted. He paused, suddenly realizing he didn't have a concrete alibi for Tuesday; he had spent the time skulking around the park. In fact, for every feline who related her romantic interlude, he had been out on his own during those times. Was this a really bizarre case of sleepstalking gone wrong? Abruptly a pair of Siamese cats pushed their way through the crowd, moving towards Artemis. They were grinning as if they'd just swallowed the canary--and that was making his fur stand on edge even moreso than before. "Naria," the first purred. "Eriya," the second purred. Artemis' eyes by now were ready to pop out of their sockets. He seemed to be taking the shock rather well...aside from the fact that he was shedding like crazy. "T-Twins?" he stammered, looking from one Siamese to the other. "Aru-chan is our lover," Naria stated. "And what a lover he is," Eriya added, licking her lips. "I'll never look at a piano the same way again." Very slowly, Artemis turned his head to Luna. "I don't think there's any way I could explain this," he said. "Especially the piano part. But you have to believe me: I wasn't with any of these women. You're the only one I love, Luna!" "You should be neutered, you cad!" Luna hissed, baring her fangs. Artemis froze, eyes wide. Whenever Luna did that thing with her fangs--along with every other cat there--it was definitely time to do the honourable thing: bolt like he was being chased by a dog. Then again, hell hath no fury like a female cat scorned. In that moment, Artemis would have preferred to be running away from a dog. Hell, Cerberus would have been preferable. And so Artemis took off, racing through the Jyuban district as a dozen angry felines gave chase. Certainly he enjoyed being burned at the stake as much as the next Mau, but not when he was going to be more well-done than the entr‚e. An exhausted and slightly battered Artemis let out a sigh of relief as he finally arrived in front of Minako's house. Evading the army of vengeful felines had proven harder than he first thought. Lucky for him, he knew where all the major pet stores were. One look at the fish in the aquariums, and most of the cats were entranced. "Baka neko," he growled, limping through the kitty door. Unfortunately, since his head was drooped low he failed to actually look ahead, and wound up running into the wood right next to the kitty door. While he maintained his innocence in the entire matter, upon reflection he realized his defense back there with Luna hadn't helped him much either. Why did this have to happen to him? Sure, Luna was allowed to go nuts over some astronomer chasing after "Princess Kaguya" (stupid iceball demoness that she was). And then no one has problems with Luna going all starry-eyed over that transsexual idol singer, Yaten. But watch Artemis get accused of looking at another feline the wrong way, and WHAM!! What was it? Did he have some kind of curse marked on his fur somewhere? Artemis paused, his eyes going crossed as he tried to look up at the golden crescent moon on his forehead. "Nah," he muttered, and continued on. So the weary, white tomcat made his way through the hall. With any luck, Minako was out of the house with the other Senshi. That might give him time to think of how he could try and clear his name. "Artemis...." Artemis froze, all the fur on his body standing on end as he heard Minako icily call out his name. Contrary to what most people think, cats can break out into a sweat all over their bodies, and not just through their tongues and noses. One just needs the proper motivation and terror factor. "H-Hai?" he asked, his voice squeaking like that wind-up mouse Diana usually played with (which had once belonged to him, come to think of it!). Minako emerged from the living room, a phone receiver in one hand and a very dark look on her face. Seeing her like that made Artemis really wish he had a litterbox handy right about then. The long-haired blonde pointed to the phone. "I just got a call from Usagi," she stated. "Luna was very upset with you." "She's upset?" he lamented. "I just got accused of being a womanizer, and spent the past hour leaving frantic pawprints all over the city!" "YOU WHAT?!" Artemis winced. "Hoboy." It appeared that Usagi hadn't told Minako about that part yet. Minako took a very exaggerated deep breath. "I can handle this," she said, trying to enhance her calm. "I'm going to resist the urge to duct-tape you to a fire hydrant and let the dogs mark their territory on you." Although cats arch their back when defensive, Artemis merely shrank lower and prayed he could disappear into the carpet. Of course, with the way Minako was mumbling murderous thoughts to herself, he might soon become the next carpet. A feline throw rug: the next Christmas craze he wanted to avoid becoming. "I'm just going to go out for a walk to clear my head," Minako said, brushing coldly past him. "I hope that when I return, you can give me a satisfactory explanation. Because if you don't, there's more than one way to get a cat under someone's skin." "They call those things 'allergies'," Artemis said. He yelped and tried to dodge the slipper that was lobbed in his direction. "I have got to learn to stop mocking her misquotes," he noted to himself as Minako stormed out the front door. "Besides, it goes 'more than one way to skin a cat.'" Well, for the moment he had the house to himself, and a chance to sort out the past few hours' fiasco in peace. He needed a soothing and familiar place to think. That meant only one thing. The underwear drawer beckoned. As he hauled his bedraggled and weary form into Minako's room, Artemis sighed in realizing he didn't have the energy to jostle open her dresser drawer. He had just reached his optimal heart rate in 0.5 seconds, been chased by love-scorned ladies he didn't even know, and now it looked like Minako would never feed him again. This felt like he was being set up. But if it was by some one-eared rat.... His stomach abruptly rumbled, disturbing his thoughts. Sourly, Artemis reflected that he was without the necessary appendages required to work the can opener in the kitchen. At times like this, a lack of opposable thumbs was always a nuisance. He really could have done with an open can of tuna to settle his stomach and calm his nerves. Artemis crawled onto Minako's bed and sprawled himself out on his side. "Why do these things have to happen to me?" he groaned, tenderly licking one of his paws. The padding was scraped from him pivoting on the concrete one too many times; it hurt to even run his tongue over it. "This is like some kind of surreal nightmare." Artemis yawned, his jaws opening wide as he let his tongue curl and stretch out. "I can't imagine today getting any worse for me." Suddenly a cheerful voice called out, "Greetings!" Not wanting to roll his body over to face the window, Artemis made use of his wiry spine. He craned his neck to see just who had decided to visit him now. What he saw was a pair of large rounded eyes worriedly staring back at him. There was another cat in the house. This particular feline had charcoal grey if not silver tabby colours, accented with dimpled black spots resembling mackerel stripes. There seemed to be a white undercoat to this feline-- though just enough to provide a visible contrast, and nothing more. Given the distinctive hue of the fur, and the decidedly worried look on its face, Artemis guessed this was of the Egyptian Mau breed. But what caught Artemis' attention was the fact that not only did this cat have its right ear pierced with a gold ring, but it also was sitting above the covers of Minako's bed. Three feet above the covers. Artemis' ears folded back as he spotted the two white, avian wings leisurely flapping in behind the feline's body. "I really have to stop saying things like that," he lamented. The urge to have a bowl of milk spiked with any hard liquor became a very appealing one. In the past he'd seen a three-headed demon cat, a kangaroo- boxing youma, and a vast array of the stupidest-looking lemures to ever come into existence. This flying cat was merely something new to add to the ever-growing "List of Things I'd Rather I Hadn't Seen Today." "Ano...and you are?" Artemis asked. "I am your guardian angel," the flying cat replied. "Call me Bastet." He chortled to himself, as if something he'd said was vastly amusing. Artemis blinked a number of times. Given all the surprises he'd had today, this one was by far one of the weirder ones. "I must have missed something in my last incarnation," he remarked. "You're my...guardian cat?" Bastet waved it aside with a paw. "Aw, that whole 'all dogs go to heaven' notion is highly overrated. Why don't we get any mention? Sure, humans get cloud nine, dogs get cloud eight, but we've got cloud three." "Is there any significance to owning cloud three?" Artemis asked. Bastet shrugged. "Apparently so, but damned if I've been able to figure that out yet. Let's just call it a lesson in the education of love, and leave it at that. Ne?" He chortled to himself again. Artemis groaned, rolling onto his other side so he didn't have to face such a charming personality. "Suddenly my bad luck becomes perfectly clear. No wonder I'm always getting abused." "I'll have you know," Bastet sniffed indignantly, circling the covers so he could chat with his associate face to furry face. "That we Egyptian Mau's are of a very royal and dependable breed." Artemis merely gave the guardian cat an incredulous look. "We're cats. Dependability comes about as often as we do when initially called for dinner." He knew this breed well enough. The worried look on the modern Mau's face was a deceptive one; those guys were far too effervescent, and had a disturbing tendency to chortle to themselves. Bastet seemed to be no exception. Bastet sighed as he dropped down onto the bedsheets, his wings folding into his sides. "Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm doing us both a deep service. You see, you and Luna need to get back together; not only have you fallen head over paws for her, but if you actually want to have Diana annoying you at three in the morning because she's found a ball of yarn, a romantic interlude must occur." "What about you?" Artemis inquired. He could sense there was something the winged cat wasn't telling him. The Egyptian Mau gave a somewhat sheepish grin. "Um...to tell you the truth, I'm kinda skating on thin ice with the Council of Guardian Cats. In the past, I've kinda let you get tossed around like a training dummy a few times--" "'A few times'?" "--and after you nearly got barbecued during that teensy little 'Cerberus' incident, I've been placed on probation. If I can't rectify this problem between you and Luna, I lose my wings. And let me tell you, I do not want my guardian status revoked while I'm cruising over the Shinjuku Highrises. Cats can land on their feet, but it's not going to help if we hit the ground at a terminal velocity of Mach Three." Artemis propped himself up on his front paws, not exactly impressed with what The Powers That Be had given him for a protector. "Bastet, forgive me for saying so, but you seriously talk too much. Cerberus didn't talk more than you, and he chattered non-stop." "Oh, and I suppose you want that feline youma here to help you instead?" retorted the Egyptian Mau. Artemis groaned, burying his head in the blankets. "Point taken." Bastet chortled at his victory. Artemis failed to see what was so funny. He abruptly lifted his head out from the bed covers, suspiciously eyeing Bastet. "Wait a minute. I know my mythology. Isn't Bastet supposed to be the Egyptian guardian for women?" Bastet broke into nervous laughter. "Aha haaaaaa...I thought you didn't know about that." "Well, I do," Artemis stated, a cold gaze levelled with his guardian. Bastet sighed. "Bastet is the guardian of virgin girls, actually." "And that's supposed to make me feel better?" "There was a bit of a mix-up at your birth, you see. After all, in Greek myth, Artemis is the female goddess of the moon. With a name like that, the guys upstairs thought you were female. Kinda like a second Luna." Artemis' eyebrow twitched. "WHAT?" First with Cerberus, and now again with Bastet. Was everyone going to make fun of his name? "But isn't Bastet herself supposed to be a female?" he pressed. Bastet sniffed indignantly. "Cats can be bishounen too. I just had the slight misfortune of no one ever bothering to turn me over and check for themselves. They all assumed wrong--it's just an interpretive error that I shall soon remedy." Artemis rolled his eyes. "I've heard that one before." "Can I help it if I'm a beautiful tomcat?" Bastet asked, striking a pose. The perpetually worried expression his face made him look more comical than awe-inspiring. Artemis bit his lip from a dry retort, knowing the question was meant to be rhetorical. "Now then," Bastet stated, staking out an area of the bed to settle down on. "We need a strategy for you to romance your Luna- chan! Sweep her off her feet and then dust the floor underneath!" Artemis' ears twitched slightly. "Do you even know what you're doing?" "Not a clue!" Bastet proudly announced. Artemis promptly facevaulted right off the bed. "Hey, I'm a guardian cat, not Cupid," the Egyptian Mau said in his own defense, as he peered over the edge of the covers. "But even though getting you two on a date will be a first for me, I'm certain we can pull it off...somehow." Artemis clawed his way back onto the bedsheets. While it was reassuring to know someone up there was looking out for him, he questioned their judgement. Not to mention their hiring policies. But it looked like he had to work with Bastet, and right now he needed all the help he could get. "First things first," Bastet said, leisurely licking one of his hind legs. "We have got to stop your flirtatious tendencies. No more seeing other girls behind Luna's back, my friend." "That's just it!" Artemis exclaimed. "I haven't been! I don't know what everyone's talking about! I'm getting blamed for things that I wasn't even around for, Luna just wants to sharpen her claws on me, and now half the felines in the neighbourhood are acting like I had a wild night of passion with them!" Bastet stared at him, evidently at a loss for words. "That does prove a mite difficult." "Oh, you think?" The Egyptian Mau seemed to miss Artemis' sarcasm. "Tell you what, Artemis: I'll fly over to Cloud Three and see what's up with these charges. But you need to work your whiskers and charms on Luna in the meantime." Bastet decisively swatted the covers. "Now I have here my group of trusty associates, who will see to any other arrangements while I'm gone." Artemis looked around the bedroom. "What assistants?" And then he spotted a row of them standing on the windowsill. One by one they hopped down onto the bed and scurried across the covers to join the two cats. Artemis slowly looked down at the assistants, and then slowly looked back up at Bastet. "They're mice." Bastet nodded. "Hai hai. Quite perceptive, I see. I'll leave you to hammer things out with them while I check with my bosses." "But...they're mice!" Artemis protested. He appraised the furry white rodents a little more closely. "And they're dressed tiny in business suits." Bastet's ears twitched as he stretched out his hind legs and then unfurled his wings. "Georgio Armani, to be exact. You wouldn't believe the trouble we had to go through to get those things tailor-made to such small sizes." His white wings spread out, Bastet took to the air. "These guys know their stuff," he said, hovering above the bed for a few moments before taking off through the open window. "And remember, our objective here is a lesson in the education of love!" That left Artemis surrounded by the Armani-clad rodents. "If they have business cards," he muttered to himself. "I think I'm going to scream." All the mice promptly produced their cards. One pulled out a cell phone by mistake. Luckily for Bastet, he was out the window before Artemis' exasperated yowl echoed inside the house. Two hours later found a winged Egyptian Mau making a flyby past Minako's house on his approach to her bedroom. And had the window not been closed, Bastet's landing would have been a spectacular one. Artemis winced as Bastet bounced off the glass and then crashed to the ground below with the grace of a one-legged swan trying to land. As he picked his dazed form up, wings flapping somewhat erratically now, Bastet ensured the next time that Artemis had opened the window for him. "Tadaima," the guardian cat warbled, landing neatly on the open windowsill. "As I promised, I'm back." "Sorry about that," Artemis said, darting from the window back onto the bed. "It was getting a little cold, so I closed the window. I didn't realize you can't see glass panels." Bastet managed another round of chortles, though the stunned glaze in his eyes attested to him feeling otherwise. "Daijobu. That was nothing. I've almost been sucked into jet engines at the Tokyo International Airport, so this pales in comparison." He hopped down from the windowsill, his legs still a little shaky from the unexpected cat-meets-glass encounter. "Ne, Artemis, how's our plan coming along?" Bastet's eyes widened as he saw Artemis sitting on the bed with a sincere smile on his face...amidst a pile of empty, rodent- sized Georgio Armani suits. Although feigning innocence, Artemis' smile made him look like the cat who didn't eat the canary, but something very similar to it. "You ate them?!" Bastet exclaimed, aghast. Artemis tried to avoid eye contact. "Um...you could say that. 'Ate' is such a harsh word." Bastet groaned. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to find good help these days? Even on Cloud Three?" "Well, I think one managed to escape," Artemis offered. "I got kinda full after the sixth mouse." One of Bastet's eyebrows twitched. For once the worried expression he always wore seemed justified. "I don't believe this. Are you deliberately trying to get my guardian angel's license revoked?!" "I was hungry," Artemis said. "I haven't eaten since this morning. I used up all my energy outrunning Luna, and then you expect natural selection to not take its course while you're away?" But Bastet was still in his own little lament. "And we never even got to show you our 'You go, Artemis' chant either. Not to mention it took us two months of rehearsals to get the 'Ganbatte Artemis!' dance right too!" Suddenly the guilt Artemis had over eating the mice left him, replaced with a very deep and profound sense of relief. "You really are two kittens short of a litter, you know that?" Bastet shrugged as he finished bemoaning the loss of his staff. "So who survived?" From Minako's desktop, a small mouse cleared his throat before removing the sunglasses from over his naturally red eyes. "Ohayo, Bastet." "Squeak!" Bastet exclaimed happily, pouncing on the businessmouse. "Great to see you! I thought you were being digested!" However, the mouse didn't seem all too thrilled. "I am NOT working for that cat, Bastet-sama," Squeak declared, crossing his tiny paws over his chest. Bastet's worried expression became a little more worried. "Aw, come on. I need you, Squeak-chan. Sure we've had our differences in the past, but we've always been there for each other...discounting that time you got stuck in that hamster ball and rolled off Cloud Three. But even then, I managed to save you before you sank to bottom of the ocean." The businessmouse still remained indignant, sniffing at Artemis before tilting his whiskered nose into the air. "You'd think he could be more subtle, but noooo! We sit down for our first staff meeting, and before we've covered old business he's gorged himself on everyone else!" "Now, Squeak," Bastet said, attempting (rather in vain, it appeared) to calm the rodent down. "I'm sure you're just exaggerating." "I had to beat him back with a pencil!" A very unamused Bastet slowly turned to Artemis. "You were full after the sixth one, hm?" Artemis gave a nervous laugh. "I have a fast metabolism. Besides, I spent a solid ten minutes chasing that guy around Minako's bedroom before I actually felt hungry enough to want to eat him." By now Squeak seemed to be rather hysterical. "Bastet-sama, he ate my girlfriend! Whole!" Bastet gave a consoling pat to Squeak's back. "Daijobu; we both know it wouldn't have worked out between you and Nezumi-chan anyways. Dating co-workers rarely ever does." Artemis could only watch the unfolding spectacle in disbelief. Namely that his life was in the paws of these characters. It was becoming a wonder that he had even managed to survive as long as he had with a bishounen Egyptian Mau and an irritated businessmouse acting as his guardians. His love life was in shambles. And these two were not helping him. "I'll take you out to that sushi place in the Asakusa ward you like so much," Bastet offered, his voice trying to entice Squeak into a truce. "My treat, plus all the Sake you can drink...which thankfully, in your case, won't be much." Squeak remained staunch in his refusal. "I'll throw in some Camembert cheese," the Egyptian Mau added, a sly grin on his face. After a few minutes of waning resolve, Squeak caved and agreed. Ignoring Bastet's smug chortling, the suited mouse pointed a tiny claw at Artemis. "You'll be hearing from my attorney, buddy." Bastet cautiously nudged Squeak. "Ano...your lawyer's a pigeon. Artemis will eat him long before the pre-hearing." "Oooh, good point," Squeak agreed with a nod. "Would you two cut it out!" Artemis snapped in exasperation, having had enough of this deranged co-species discussion. "Bastet, do you have anything that might save my hide from becoming Luna's new throw rug?" Bastet turned to Artemis. "Ah, yes! Down to business, then, my friend. I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that we've got official records proving your innocence. I'm having them processed now so you can show Luna how much you really do love her." For the first time that day, Artemis broke out into a broad grin. "Great! What's the bad news?" "We have no idea who's actually doing it." "Na ni?!" Artemis facevaulted, tripping over the covers and then toppling over the side of the bed. Squeak peered over the edge. "I give him a solid nine," he remarked. "His form was good, but he kinda blew the follow- through." Sprawled head-first on the floor, Artemis only glared at the Armani-clad mouse. "Gomen nasai," Bastet said, helping Artemis back up. "But this character evidently has the power to turn into a cat who looks and sounds like you. And we've got a surprisingly large rogue's gallery of mythical felines who can do that. I could even give you the name of some Kitsune who've been known troublemakers in this area." "You think Fox spirits are involved?" Artemis asked. "Doubtful," Squeak spoke up. "Kitsune prefer playing their con games on humans. Cats rank low on their list of potential playmates." Artemis sighed and stretched his back out. "So what else is there?" "Tanuki," Squeak offered. "Then again, those shape-shifting raccoons tend to attack only when provoked. And as far as we can tell, you've spent this life chasing after squirrels." "Could be someone paying you back for taking out Cerberus," Bastet offered, reaching up with his front paw to adjust his gold earring. "He was a big player; not too many youma were thrilled when you killed him, Artemis." Abruptly a loud beeping noise went off. Mistaking it for the sound for Minako's clock, Artemis bounded over to her nightstand and then started randomly hitting buttons. Nothing seemed to work, which only added to our hero's frustration. "It's my pager," Squeak spoke up. He consulted the message scrolling across the device. "For you, Boss; head office is done processing those files on Artemis' nightly excursions. They want you to pick them up as soon as you can." "Tell NukuNuku I'll pick them up later," Bastet said. "This is more important." Artemis merely turned his head and looked quizzically down at the rodent. "You have a pager?" "Don't you?" Squeak replied. Bastet fluttered around the room for a while, and then descended onto the windowsill. "So what works well on Luna?" he inquired. "Assume for a moment that the records convince her you're innocent, even though we haven't caught the real culprit yet. How would you woo the femme feline?" "She never admits it openly, but she has an affinity for chocolates," Artemis said after some consideration. Bastet chortled, though this laugh sounded a little more insidious than the others. "Excellent. We can work with chocolates. Daijobu, Artemis; we'll have her yowling a duet with you on the fence in no time!" "No yowling," Squeak countered, playing with his petite laptop. "According to her profile here, Luna doesn't strike me as the type to even enjoy a karaoke bar." Artemis looked to the Egyptian Mau. "He's right. Luna doesn't go for that kind of thing." "Well how else an I supposed to serenade you?" Bastet argued, flopping over onto his stomach. "Do these paws look like the instruments of a maestro? All I have is my stunning voice, so a piano recital is certainly out of the question. I need a karaoke machine!" By now, Bastet had worked himself up and was busy flying figure eights around Minako's room as he ranted on about his caterwauling skills. "Is he always like this?" Artemis asked Squeak. The Armani-clad mouse nodded, still typing. "Constantly. I think it's all the free moccachinoes he gets with the job. How about restaurants? We can pull some strings and get you some great take-out." Artemis walked over to Squeak and leaned right over the mouse to peer at the tiny laptop screen. "How much would it cost?" he inquired. Squeak gave a non-committal shrug. "Depends on how much you're willing to spend. There's a few premium dim sum places, the usual sushi bar...ah! And just opened a few blocks from here is a Korean Barbecue place!" Artemis gave a few minutes of quiet consideration. Sushi seemed too regular a thing; as much as a cat enjoyed raw fish, there was such a thing as too much of a good thing. As for the Korean Barbecue, he actually wanted to be able to kiss Luna after dinner without flamb‚ing her first with his garlic breath. "Sign me up for the dim sum, will you?" he said finally. Squeak nodded and started typing in the reservation. "Hai hai- -but this isn't because I like you. This is strictly business." Artemis rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I'll get you a hamster wheel if it makes you feel better." He looked up to the flying Egyptian Mau. "Bastet, the runway lights are on. You can land anytime now." Absently flying on his back, Bastet glanced down at the feline below. "Oh, gomen! It's just that flying can be a rather invigorating experience, and I always try it if the opportunity permits. Don't you?" "Most of my flights are unintended, and finish with an extremely painful crashlanding," retorted Artemis. Bastet paused as something caught his eye. He looked down at a conspicuously open clothing drawer. "Ne, what's this?" the Mau remarked, swooping down for a closer inspection. Curiousity was a natural feline instinct. Once again it was about to claim another unsuspecting victim. Artemis inwardly cringed, chiding himself for not having closed the drawer. "Shimatta," he groaned, covering his eyes with his paw. He never should have settled down for that brief nap following his unexpected lunch. Bastet set down on the edge of the drawer. Precariously perched there, he cautiously let a paw sift through the items in question...before drawing out a pair of panties. The Egyptian Mau gave Artemis a very curious and concerned look. "Is there something we should know about you that's not on file?" "Can you believe it?" Squeak remarked icily. "He eats my co- workers, and then takes a nap in Minako's underwear drawer. He only woke up because you ran into the bedroom window." Bastet, despite his usual worried expression, was now levelling a cold gaze at Artemis. "Hentai," he stated. "No! I am not a...!" Artemis protested, finding himself flustered for the umpteenth time today. One of Bastet's eyebrows went up. "But you see...!" Bastet's other eyebrow went up. "This isn't what you...!" Squeak, having ceased his typing, gestured to Artemis. "This I've got to hear. Do continue, please." Mumbling something under his breath that really shouldn't be repeated right now (lest small children and their kittens might be reading this fic), Artemis flicked at one of his whiskers as if it might work to dismiss everyone's prying eyes. "I like sleeping in that drawer, okay?" He pointed down to the underwear. "Look, those things make for the most comfortable mattress I've ever slept on. It's just a coincidence that they happen to be worn on a few strategic places of a young lady's body." Squeak made a scolding 'tsk tsk' sound while shaking his head. "I should have pushed the 'SMITE' button on you the second you were carried out from your bassinet." Artemis' demonic-looking face immediately appeared in front of the mouse. "Lunchtime!" he shouted. Naturally, Squeak panicked. "Bastet-sama, he's gonna eat me! Do something!" However Bastet wasn't really listening, all his focus and attention devoted to making himself at home in the underwear drawer. "Hey, this IS pretty comfortable!" he exclaimed frolicking amidst the undergarments. The Egyptian Mau rolled onto his side, and gave a contented yawn. "I gotta get me one of these things for life on Cloud Three." Forgetting their rivalry, Squeak and Artemis both facevaulted into the bed covers. Just then, a number of loud noises echoed from elsewhere in the house. Artemis' ears perked up as he heard the front door open, followed by tromping footsteps up the stairs. "Artemis," called a feminine and very dangerous voice from the hallway. Artemis felt his stomach tighten up (despite his enormous meal). "Shimatta, it's Minako!" he exclaimed, looking down at Squeak. "If she sees you here, she'll kill me--after she kills you!" "What about me?" Bastet asked, the charcoal grey head popping up from the underwear drawer. Artemis gave him an incredulous look. "An talking Egyptian Mau with wings? I don't think she'll take it well." Without further ado, Artemis leapt off the bed and proceeded to shove the drawer shut. Bastet barely managed to let out a startled yelp before he pulled his head down into the assortment of underwear. "Stay," Artemis stated, pointing to the drawer. "I'm not a dog," came Bastet's muffled voice. Artemis jerked his head sideways as he saw the doorknob to the bedroom door jiggle. Minako was right outside! "She's heeeeere," Squeak sang ominously. Without any second left for hesitation, Artemis immediately pounced on the mouse, opened his jaws and put all of Squeak into his mouth. However this time he didn't chew or swallow--which, of course, made him look a little strange with enormously puffed-out cheeks. The door opened, and Minako walked her bedroom. "Ohayo, Artemis," Minako said, her icy voice still showing how unimpressed she was with him. She turned away, facing the closet as she removed one of her layers of shirts; the heat outside had made the extra clothes rather unnecessary. "I hope you enjoyed your quiet afternoon." A chipmunk-cheeked Artemis gave her a sincere smile and nodded his head, letting his tail affectionately twitch for her. Suddenly he realized Squeak's little rodent tail was dangling out of the side of his mouth. With a quick action, he slurped up the tail just before Minako turned to face him. "I'm going to visit Usagi," Minako said. "We'll probably be up all night trying to comfort Luna. I'm hoping you will have the courtesy of showing up later to apologize to her." She turned to the puffy-cheeked feline. "Don't you have anything to say for yourself?" Trying desperately to force back the urge to swallow (and no doubt choke on Squeak), Artemis vehemently shook his head. Minako shook her head at him. "There are times I just don't think I know who you are anymore, Artemis," she said, more disappointed than angry with him. She didn't say anything else, and left the room. At last the door closed behind her. Artemis immediately spat out Squeak, the furry businessmouse now covered in cat drool. Squeak let out a frantic gasp upon his release. "Woah! I thought I was gonna die in there!" He turned to Artemis. "And you, sir, have the worst breath I have ever encountered. Would it kill you to use a TicTac every now and again?" Artemis hissed, curling his lips back. Now even a mouse can take a hint like that. "I'll shut up now," Squeak said, wisely enough. "Oh, Artemis," Minako added, re-entering the room. "You and I are also going to--" The long-haired blonde's eyes widened as she spotted a drool- laiden mouse on her bedsheets. Minako took Squeak's presence rather well. If you consider hysteria a good thing, that is. "Kyaaaaa!" she shrieked, seizing the nearest book with the full intent on squishing him. "What's a mouse doing in my bedroom? And why haven't you killed it yet?!" She abruptly froze, taking notice of how stylish Squeak looked in a Georgio Armani suit. "What is that thing doing with a briefcase?" On a more positive spin, Minako's current spastic fit had bought Artemis more time before she decided to bring out the electric razor, and shaved him bald as a favour to Luna. "It's not what you think," he said, defensively standing between Squeak and the book-wielding Minako. "He's my agent!" Minako dropped the book, a look of utter disbelief on her face. "That mouse is your agent?" Artemis nodded, trying to disarm her with his fanged grin. "Well, not quite. He's my liaison for my guardian angel." Minako regarded the mouse, and then the cat standing beside it. Her expression readily conveyed her evident confusion, and that fact that she wasn't liking it. "First you sleep around behind Luna's back, and now you're having delusions," she lamented. Artemis groaned, massaging his furry temples. "I'm not having delusions, Minako. You've got to believe me! Someone set me up to get Luna to hate me, and now my guardian cat's the only one who can clear my name. Well...him and the rodent." Minako remained sceptical. "And just where is he?" she inquired. "Bastet? Oh, he's in your underwear drawer." Artemis immediately smacked his forehead upon saying that. With a pleasant smile on her face, Minako started to laugh. However this was not one of those regular happy laughs; this was more of a 'my cat has gone off the deep end even though he hates water' kind of laughs. Looking from her underwear drawer back to Artemis, she wagged a finger at the white tomcat as if she was onto his little joke. "I'm going to talk with the other Senshi about this," she said. "With any luck, we'll find a pet psychiatrist for you tonight." Squeak and Artemis exchanged uneasy glances. Minako was adamant though. "You just stay here, Artemis. I mean it." And to emphasize her point, she locked the door. Of course, this really didn't help since she had now trapped herself in the bedroom as well. Not to mention the lock only worked from the inside. Upon realizing this, she broke out into a fit of haughty laughter as if she had done such a thing deliberately, and then left the room. But before she left, she glared at Artemis. "STAY." Artemis could only bow his head dejectedly, even his whiskers drooping. "Hai...." The animals in the room were silent for a few moments as they listened to Minako head down the stairs and then out the front door. Artemis then looked down at Squeak with a most unamused frown. "You could have said something in my defense," he growled. Squeak shrugged. "I don't think it would have mattered. If I had said something, that might have given her more reason to crush me with that unused Calculus book." "Well, Bastet could have at least validated me," Artemis said. He glanced around the bedroom. "Come to think of it, where is he?" Abruptly the underwear drawer began to rattle furiously. Curiousity enticing a more than willing feline off the bed, Artemis wandered over to the dresser. He pressed his ear against the front, and heard Bastet's frantic mewings from inside. Squeak made his way down via the dangling covers and then scurried over to Artemis' side. "Can he even breathe in there?" he asked. Two feline blue eyes widened. "Oh no!" Artemis exclaimed. Frantically, he managed to pull open the drawer. "Bastet, say something!" Suddenly an Egyptian Mau's head erupted from beneath the piles of underwear. "Aaaaair!" Bastet gasped, a bra dangling off one side of his head. His whiskers and fur in disarray, a dazed look in his eyes from the lack of oxygen, and his unfurled wings now displaying numerous snagged panties, Bastet collapsed back into the underwear. Artemis leaned over. "Daijobu?" he asked cautiously. "I'll go fetch the moccachino," Squeak remarked, heading off in another direction. Bastet let his head rest on the front of the drawer, his tongue hanging out from his mouth. "I couldn't breathe in there," he panted. "I was smothered by silken underthings. All my nine lives flashed before my eyes!" "Gomen nasai," Artemis apologized sheepishly. "I forgot how cramped the drawer gets when you close it." "That's okay. Ne, were you aware Minako wears black negligee?" "WHAT?!" Bastet chortled to himself. "Just kidding." He gave Artemis a playful wink, evidently recovered from his close brush with death. "You're so cute when you panic." Artemis showed his appreciation for the jest by trying to shove the drawer closed on Bastet again. The Egyptian Mau floundered amidst the underwear, shouting out his apologies. Artemis relented and let his guardian cat live. Bastet's tail twitched ever so slightly as he made his way out from the drawer, prowling the floor as he sniffed. "I take it she's gone?" "They're going to discuss my alleged problems," Artemis said. "Apparently I'm now suffering from delusions." "Why would they say a thing like that?" "I mentioned you." Bastet paused to consider that. "Ah...well, be thankful they don't have strait jackets for cats. Let's just call this another lesson in the education of love, and leave it at that, ne?" "How can I just leave it?" Artemis exclaimed. "Thanks to you and that pager-toting rodent, everyone will think I'm crazy *and* a lecher by this time tomorrow! What kind of guardian cat are you?!" "I can handle this," Bastet said reassuringly. "It's just like the training simulations. Even though I was sick for those days, I'm sure there's nothing to it." He spread out his wings and jumped into the air. "Now is not the time for your breed's patented self-reliance," Artemis countered as he watched the circling feline overhead. He looked out the window. "The Inner Senshi almost always meet at the Fire River Temple. We need to get there and straighten this out before I wind up being fixed by a vet." Bastet nodded and looked to the Armani-clad mouse. "Squeak- chan, I need you to get back to Cloud Three. Bring us those documents proving Artemis' innocence. In the meantime, Artemis and I will head to the temple to stall for time." "Hai!" Squeak replied, bowing slightly as he slipped on his posh sunglasses. He dropped down onto all fours and started scurrying to the windowsill. Halfway across the bed covers, he paused and glanced back. "Ne, you want me to bring back some Thai food while I'm at it?" "Sounds like a novel idea," Bastet agreed. "But not Thai; we had that last night." Squeak scratched his head. "We always have Thai food on Friday nights." "So what's our usual on a Saturday night, then?" "Some sort of Italian noodle dish, I think. Maybe we should go for chicken wings instead." "Will you just go already!" Artemis exclaimed, causing Squeak to jump right out the window. Bastet dropped onto the windowsill moments after the mouse fell outside. "Daijobu, Squeak! Just remember to tuck and roll when you hit the flower bed!" "So let's go over it one more time," Bastet insisted. "Why were all those ladycats going after you?" "Because they had mistaken me for someone else," Artemis answered, repeating almost word for word what Bastet had told him to say. The two felines were making their way towards the Fire River Temple. With any luck, this developing strategy would keep them alive long enough for Squeak to deliver the proof. "And," Bastet added. "Why are you innocent?" "Because I was either out on the prowl, or chasing after squirrels," Artemis recited. "And if worse comes to worse?" Artemis groaned. "I plead temporary insanity." He abruptly stopped his brisk feline trot, and looked up at a set of stone stairs looming before him. Just beyond the stairs he could see the towering figure of the Shinto Torii. And somewhere beyond that Torii laid the numerous women in his life, who only seemed to notice him after he was pounded flat by a youma. "Come on, then," Bastet said, prodding Artemis forward. He took a few bounds up the stairs and looked back. "Remember, this is all a lesson in the education of love. You generally get no second chances if you fail the first time." The white tomcat's blue eyes regarded the Egyptian Mau, and then focused on the stairs. This was his (final?) hour. Bastet was probably right too; if he failed here, he might get shunned by the entire Sailor team. Not to mention Minako might barricade the kitty door on a permanent basis. And if he failed here, Luna would probably never speak to him again. Diana would disappear in a puff of logic. And knowing his luck, he'd probably have a wingless Bastet crashland on top of him. Artemis rued the luck in his life. Oh, he certainly had an ample amount of luck. Bad luck, that is. Taking a deep breath, Artemis gathered his resolve and followed Bastet up the stairs. He then had to wait a few minutes as a passing bus caught Bastet's attention. It was admittedly a surreal thing to see: an flying Egyptian Mau chasing after a city bus. "Gomen," Bastet sighed, returning to the shrine's main stairway. "But there was this really cute Tonkinese babe riding in the back." "Tonkinese are trouble, Bastet," Artemis stated emphatically. "Trust me on this one." The two cats bounded up the stairs and stalked across the temple grounds. Night was falling, and everything was growing dark. A number of lanterns and candles had already been lit around the buildings, bouncing shadows off every corner. As they rounded one of the buildings in the back area, they could see one of the inside lights was one. "That's where they usually talk," Artemis said, his ears already picking up the numerous female voices on the other side of the screen. He swallowed hard and then dared to hop onto the veranda. "Well, here we go." "You want me to rub your shoulders?" Bastet offered. Artemis shook his head. "No thanks." "I could say something inspirational." "No." "How about--?" "NO," Artemis stated. "Come on, Bastet. The sooner we get this life over with, the sooner I can start to abuse whatever of my original nine are left." Maybe then he could finally have a decent nap. Though given his current luck, it seemed to be winding up a dirt nap in a pet cemetery somewhere. Artemis led the way across the wooden porch, stopping as he reached the brightened fusama. Even though this screen was thicker than the interior ones, the girls' voices were still being carried through. "...to do," Minako continued. "And now he thinks that he's got some guardian cat who's trying to protect him. Artemis claimed he was in the room, but I didn't see him anywhere." "He's not getting any sympathy from me," a bitter Luna sniffled. "After what he did, maybe he deserves this. I'm just glad Diana's sleeping in another room; she doesn't need to hear this." Artemis cringed. "Ouch. Rough crowd tonight," Bastet remarked. There was some shuffling inside. "Daijobu, Luna," Usagi said, trying to sound optimistic. "I'm sure there's a reason Artemis is doing this." "But I'm not doing anything!" Artemis hissed to Bastet. The Egyptian Mau remained deadpan. "Why are you saying this to me? I already know that." "You are not helping the situation!" Artemis snapped, trying in vain to keep his voice and blood pressure down. "I could do a feline folk dance if it helps," Bastet offered. He pushed his front paws off the ground and started to get jiggy with it. Artemis was just about to open his mouth for a sarcastic retort, when the screen right in front of them was slid open. Both cats became acutely aware of the six pairs of eyes now watching them. "Artemis!" Usagi exclaimed. "Maybe now we can figure out what's going on," Rei stated. Makoto strained her head as she took notice of the Egyptian Mau now trying to discreetly whistle and inch into the shadows. "Ne, who's your friend, Artemis?" Artemis stepped aside to let Bastet take centre attention. "Everyone, this is Bastet. My guardian cat." If the Senshi were sceptical about Bastet's identity, the wings won them over. Minako gawked, carefully taking one of the feathers and using it to stretch out a wing. "You mean he's real?" "You didn't bother checking your underwear drawer," Artemis replied simply. The other Inner Senshi all turned towards a now blushing Minako. "Minako-chan," Rei inquired suspiciously. "What was a cat doing in your underwear drawer?" Minako's face got even more flustered at that. "I don't know!" "Corrupting even your own guardian cat, are you?" Luna growled, still very much on the aggressive. "Oh, come on!" Bastet scoffed, waving the accusation aside with a friendly paw. "I'm sure we've all slept in someone's underwear drawer at one time or another in our lives." Silence. "Um...a little help here, please," Bastet said, turning to Artemis. The white tomcat stepped forward, staring at Luna. "Look, before I say anything, can you promise me that you will just listen. Don't interrupt me and don't ignore me. Luna, I don't even know all those ladycats who showed up. Someone is impersonating me." Bastet nodded emphatically. "Exactly! That's why I'm here; Artemis is being set up, and my job is to find out who!" "Who is it?" Usagi asked. She at least seemed genuinely impressed with the defense's argument. Bastet shrugged. "No idea. My businessmouse is working on that as we speak." "Business...mouse?" Rei asked. Minako nodded. "He's not kidding. I saw a mouse in an Armani suit with Artemis earlier today." "I told you I wasn't delusional," Artemis said, feeling happily vindicated with himself now. "Is anyone else here finding this completely surreal?" Makoto asked quietly. Ami could only shrug. "I'm just trying to figure out where a talking cat could get her ear pierced." Bastet shot her an indignant look. "His! 'His' ear pierced. Cats can be bishounen too, you know! And I've had this earring for centuries." There was an awkward if not pregnant pause as everyone looked at everyone else. No one seemed to know what to say next. Fortunately, the initiative was taken by an outsider. "Ohayo!" a hauntingly familiar voice called out. "Sorry I'm late, but...." The voice trailed off as Artemis slowly turned around. He suddenly realized why that voice was so familiar: it was his own voice he was hearing. Outside on the veranda, another Artemis froze in surprise. Two identical white tomcats stared at each other. "A-Ano...two Artemises?" Minako exclaimed. She abruptly sighed in relief and let out a laugh. "So that's it. And here I thought I was losing my mind. Well, at least this explains a few things." Artemis glared at the long-haired blonde. "This is nothing to be happy about, Minako!" The other Artemis sighed. "Damn, and here I thought I could play it up for another hour or two. Guess the game's over, then." Bastet chortled viciously as he took a step towards the imposter. "At last we meet, miscreant. So you're the one trying to get my guardian licence revoked!" "Um...what about ruining my life?" Artemis cut in. Bastet paused in consideration. "Oh, that too," he added. The other Artemis chuckled. "I was wondering when you'd finally show up. It's been a long time, nii-san." Bastet nodded. "Hai hai. Hello to you too, Sis." He abruptly did a double-take, his eyes widening in surprise. "Sis?!" "Wait a minute," Artemis cut in, appraising the false Artemis even closer. "You're a girl? But then that means you're the one who's been with all the other...." Both Artemis and Bastet stared in disbelief at the imposter. Apparently gender-bending transformations were not limited to just humans. Not that such variety was a good thing in either case. "Ooookaaaay," Artemis said uneasily. "I'm just going to slowly back away from you. Bastet, could you please explain to me why your sibling is dressed like me?" "You mean I didn't tell you about the good cat/bad cat thing?" Bastet asked, a puzzled expression on his face. "No!" Bastet chortled. "Oh, that. Rather funny story, actually; there's this gang of guardian cats who've decided to use their nine lives to completely destroy what guardian angels like me do. That particular young feline happens to be my sister." "Your...sister?" Makoto repeated, still trying to wrap her mind around the past few minutes' events. Bastet sighed. "Hai hai. Toyo-chan always was the rebel in the family. I first had my suspicions about her, roughly twelve hundred years ago, when she took a razor and shaved her name across my back." "Stop calling me Toyo-chan!" the other Artemis hissed. "I refuse to believe I'm even related to a wussy do-gooder like you, Bastet!" White fur bristled and then bled like ink in water. Snowy hues were washed away in a swift ripple of colour, replaced with a midnight black. Two blue eyes turned yellow, and the feline's body grew longer and slimmer. The tail stretched out a little further than usual, twitching as the transformed cat looked to Artemis and gave a devilish purr. Artemis blinked in confusion at the former doppleganger. He slowly turned to Bastet. "That's your sister?" he pressed. "A jaguarundi?" Bastet shrugged. "Don't look at me to explain the relation between a small, Central African jungle cat, and an Egyptian Mau." "She's so...cute," Usagi said, surprised yet delighted at the same time. "Oh, they always say that about her," Bastet muttered to Artemis. "First it's the whole 'Oooh! Kawaii!' part. But then later there's the fangs, and the screams, and the 'I can't believe you ate him whole, Toyo-chan' part." Toyo growled, her front end crouching low to the veranda. "Ara ara, since you've forced my proverbial hand, perhaps we should just skip to that whole fangs and screams part right now." Bastet's entire body stiffened, and he slowly, cautiously, began to back away from his little sister. Artemis automatically followed suit as the jaguarundi's body started to grow. Paws started to extend and morph into claw-tipped fingers. Toyo's skull cracked as her face expanded to become more humanoid, her body now standing on two very sturdy legs. She was growling louder now as her body and fur rippled with the growing muscles. "This is a bad thing, isn't it?" Artemis remarked. Bastet nodded. "She's definitely throwing a hissy fit. Do the words 'flee in terror' mean anything to you?" Toyo loomed over them as she stretched out her arms and howled into the night. It was like staring at an oversized, feline version of a werewolf. Not that Artemis really wanted to compare cats to dogs, let alone lump them together--even if it was raining that badly outside. "Youma!" Rei exclaimed. The Inner Senshi were grasping their henshins seconds later, ready to transform and save the day. However, Toyo seemed to be paying very little attention to them. Not exactly thrilled with her cold glare, Artemis braced himself to run for his furry little life. "We've got to lure her into the open," Bastet said. "She'll destroy this building if we let her--and I don't want to get stuck with the repair bills." Getting a disturbing sense of d‚j… vu, Artemis glanced over to his guardian cat. "This is your department," he said. "Go get her, Bastet!" Bastet laughed nervously, scratching the back of his neck with a paw. "Er, yeah...ano...I meant to tell you about this sooner, but I...I can't do that." Artemis' jaw dropped in stunned disbelief. "WHAT?!" "Well, it's no use shouting about it," Bastet protested. "I'm still working out the finer points of such morphing. If I try it right now, I'll wind up looking like an oversized chicken thanks to my wings." "Why is it that everyone except you and me can turn into these enormous monsters?!" Artemis exclaimed in exasperation. "What in any of my nine previous lives on the moon did I do to deserve this?" Bastet leaned in closer. "Don't ask," he muttered quietly. "The Council of Guardian Cats still hasn't been able to prove that it was us who started that yakisoba incident during the Silver Solstice festival a thousand years ago." "Bastet," Toyo hissed, opening her mouth to reveal rows of slender fangs dripping with saliva. "You've stood in my way long enough. If I kill Artemis, I'll get into the High Society Neko- Youma Club for certain. I won't let you spoil my debutante moment!" Artemis quite literally facevaulted into the floor. "This isn't happening," he groaned. But then suddenly a loud musical overture swept the room, and there standing upon the various items of furniture--and no doubt leaving scuff marks everywhere--appeared the Sailor Senshi! Sailor Moon, clad in her battle fuku, struck her trademark pose and pointed ominously to Toyo. "Cats are our friends and faithful companions. Even if they never listen to us when we call them for food, or nag for us to do our homework every night, they should not be attacked like this. Such a crime is unforgivable! In the name of the--!" Toyo abruptly and politely asked Sailor Moon to cease her speech. Though one can debate over whether or not launching fireballs from one's open mouth is considered a polite thing. Sailor Mars didn't seem to think so--especially when her coffee table was reduced to a pile of smouldering ashes. All the Senshi promptly panicked and dove for cover upon seeing what their enemy could do. "Hey, no fair!" Sailor Moon exclaimed indignantly from her place behind the couch. "You can't attack me during my love and justice speech! That's just--" "Evil?" Artemis ventured, rolling his eyes. Bastet shrugged. "She's pretty, she's evil; face it, my sister's pretty evil." Artemis wasn't all that impressed. "Was there just no lifeguard around your family's gene pool when it was filled?" "Hey, being a guardian angel isn't all floating around on clouds," Bastet retorted, glaring at Artemis. "Do you have any idea how much paperwork is involved?" "No. How much?" "Um...I wouldn't really know," Bastet chortled, embarrassed. "Squeak always did the filing for me." Artemis' ears twitched at that. But their argument was abruptly cut short moments later, as another of Toyo's fireballs charred the floor between them. "Artemis!" Luna hissed from her position behind the desk. "What are you doing out in the open? You'll get barbecued at this rate!" But the white tomcat and the Egyptian Mau stood their ground against the monstrous demon-kitty. Despite the flames that were being lobbed across the room (and being quickly doused by Sailor Mercury, much at Sailor Mars' insistence that they preserve the furniture), Artemis and Bastet were too busy arguing with each other to notice Toyo's attack/hissy fit. Not until she tried to impale them into the floor with her sharpened claws. Artemis twisted his body sideways as the edge of the slender claw grazed his side. The rest of the claw smashed right through the wooden floor. "We can't fight in here!" Sailor Jupiter exclaimed. "We need more room to move." "I can fix that. Artemis, follow me! I have a plan!" Bastet exclaimed, suddenly bounding across the room. A stunned Toyo gawked as the Egyptian Mau darted between her legs and took off across the shrine grounds. Artemis was two bounds behind Bastet, and managed to run between Toyo's legs before she got over her surprise. "Where are you going?" Artemis shouted after his guardian cat. "I haven't the slightest idea!" Bastet shouted back, not even slowing down. "No idea? What kind of plan is that?!" "I didn't say it was good plan!" Artemis gave an exasperated shout as he managed to catch up to Bastet. "If you tell me this is another lesson in the education of love, I am going to rip your earring off." "This is more a lesson in self-preservation," Bastet cut in, spreading his wings. "Incidentally, you might want to move left." Bastet abruptly veered right. Toyo's large fist smashed into the cobblestone ground a heartbeat later, pulverizing the stone into dust. Artemis recoiled in surprise. Before he knew what had happened, he had taken a flying leap off the top of the Fire River Temple's stairs and was dodging traffic. The demonic cat was right behind him, stomping on buses and tossing small domestic cars in every direction. And somewhere amidst the bright lights of Tokyo, a small yet determined feline voice could be heard to valiantly proclaim to the heavens: "TASUKETEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Still racing across the city for all he was worth, Artemis wondered just what the Sailor Senshi were doing. Of all the times for them to not conveniently show up and save the day, it just had to be this one! "If I ever survive this," he muttered, scrambling up a wall and into one of the neighbourhood parks. "I am going to write a very irate letter to the Powers That Be." His dark expression shifted to one of panic as he heard the trees in behind him get reduced to toothpicks and splinters. Toyo was still giving chase, crashing through the park and very much bent on kicking his cute, furry butt. "Give it up, Artemis," the demon cat called out. "I can play this game forever!" A strange game of cat and mouse...only this time it was a demon cat and cat variant. Either way, Artemis wasn't thrilled to be playing. He kept running, bursting out from the dense cluster of trees and into a clearing. "The lake!" he exclaimed, staring at the body of water in front of him. With any luck he could follow the shoreline path onto a bridge. There was very little time for him to consider any other possibilities; a tree trunk pinwheeled across the ground behind him, heralding Toyo's arrival. Her towering form lumbered across the clearing, slick and black fur glistening in the surrounding lights. "You don't really think you can win, can you?" she continued to taunt. "I'm larger and stronger than you could ever hope to be." Artemis tuned out her voice, and kept racing towards the bridge. Cerberus had said something like that before, and got fried as a result. After all, it was the size of the fight in the cat that mattered. The demon cat grinned, watching him head for the bridge. "We both know that I'm a demon cat, and at best you're a sidekick with an inept guardian angel," Toyo added. Artemis skidded to a stop. He slowly turned around, glaring at Toyo. Not even caring that she could step on him and pre-emptively end the battle, the white tomcat marched right up to her. "Sidekick?" Artemis demanded, utterly exasperated. "You're going after me even when you call me a sidekick?" Toyo shrugged indifferently. "And?" Artemis growled at her apathy. "If you were Cerberus' avenging girlfriend, I could understand this. But instead you have to go have some stupid sibling rivalry with an Egyptian Mau I only met a few hours ago, and ruin whatever pieces of a love life I had! And then you have the nerve to call me a sidekick. Okay, so I'm not as prolific as the humans, but I'm still a valued member of the team! So now I imagine you'll start picking on my name next." The venting certainly proved therapeutic--though Artemis questioned whether or not he would live long enough to enjoy it. However, Toyo stared down at the little white tomcat, impressed to say the least at his tenacity "Finished?" she inquired. Artemis nodded. And with that, Toyo promptly punted Artemis right into the middle of the lake. Moments later she made a flying leap and dove in after him. Her large dark form disappeared beneath the surface, and a few bubbles rose up to reveal where she was. Moments later the bubbles ceased. But Artemis was too preoccupied flailing around in the lake. Now while cats might hate the water, they can certainly swim if they have to. And Artemis was doing a surprisingly impressive job making his way back to solid ground. A slight ironic twist, mind you, in that he was dogpaddling--but still he was doing quite the impressive swim. Right until he noticed the dorsal fin surfacing from beneath the water. Naturally, Artemis freaked. "You've got to be kidding me!" he shouted, paddling for all he was worth to the shore. "She can turn into a shark too?!" However the dorsal fin was closing the distance as the demonic creature beneath the lake's glassy surface swiftly cut through the waters. Part of Toyo's new form broke through, and Artemis could feel the shackles of his soaked fur rise up. The fur had been lost to sleek, grey cartilage...and a very menacing pair of black eyes focused directly on him. "I swear I will never eat another fishstick again if I survive this," Artemis sputtered between mouthfuls of water. "Daijobu!" Bastet called out, suddenly swooping down from above. He seized Artemis by the scruff of the neck, frantically flapping his wings to get lift. The rest of his body dangling rather uselessly, Artemis felt himself start to rise above the water. He was pulled out just as the massive icthy-creature tried to turn him into a light snack. Artemis recoiled and yanked his tail out from the open jaws of the shark-like beast. "Were you just waiting for a dramatic moment to show up?" he inquired darkly. Bastet groaned as he struggled to fly higher. "Shimatta! You're heavy! What have you been eating? No wait...don't answer that." "Now is not the time to be asking about that!" Artemis snapped, ruefully thinking about all those "assistants" he had eaten. The flight was short, and the landing on the edge of the lake was painful. Though Bastet's crashlanding was nicely softened by Artemis. "I swear...I will never eat tunafish...so long as I live," Artemis gasped, sprawled out across the grasses. "I'm not getting paid enough to watch over you," the Egyptian Mau groaned, flopping onto the grass next to Artemis. Though he was exhausted and soaked to the bone, Artemis' eyebrow twitched. "Paid? You mean this isn't a volunteer job? You're not doing it out of the good of your heart?" Bastet shrugged. "We're the few, the proud, the ones who don't need a pilot's license to fly." "So why'd you sign on?" Artemis had to ask. "A free, lifetime supply of moccachinoes." Artemis glowered at Bastet. However, any further repartee between then was abruptly cut short as Toyo exploded out from the lake. Water rained down everywhere as the shark creature landed on the shore. Grey cartilage became black fur again. Fins became claws, and while her fangs did retract back into her mouth, they were still viciously present. Toyo slowly turned back to her prey. "Miss me?" she inquired. Suddenly out from the skies appeared a large silhouette. The trio of cats all found themselves drawn by curiousity to watch the oncoming object. Artemis squinted, trying to get a better view of the shadowy form. "Ne, Bastet?" "Yeah, what?" "Is there any particular reason Squeak's doing a kamikaze run in a remote-controlled Ohka?" Yes indeed, coming to their rescue in a miniature Yokosuka MXY-7 "Ohka" (Cherry Blossom) fighter plane was Squeak. The tables seemed to have turned as Toyo herself gawked at the oncoming aerial assault. Bastet on the other hand was dancing on his hind paws, waving pompoms in the air and cheering his businessmouse on. "You go, Squeak-chan! Show her who's on the higher end of the celestial foodchain!" However, Artemis gave Bastet a worried look. "You do realize that's essentially a piloted missile he's flying," he said quietly. Bastet's cheering came to an abrupt end, and for once the worried Egyptian Mau look on his face became more than warranted. "What's wrong with my company plane?" "It's a narrow cylinder with stubby wings, no cockpit space and a less than impressive tail," Artemis replied. "There's a reason those guys didn't have paint or insignias, Bastet; the Cherry Blossoms were meant to be Kamikaze suicide planes!" Bastet visibly paled. "Can't you tell him to eject?" Artemis asked, watching the distance between Squeak and Toyo close. "No," Bastet groaned. "And what's worse, I didn't sign for insurance when I authorized that plane!" Artemis facevaulted. Yet Squeak was completely oblivious to peril he was in, too enthraled with his tiny flying goggles, white scarf and blaringly loud "Ride of the Valkyries" playing in behind him. With the cat demon in his sights, he guided his "Cherry Blossom" onto a direct course with Toyo. "BANZAAAAAAIIII!!!" the mouse exclaimed. However, Toyo didn't seem all too impressed. One flick of her index finger against the tiny plane's propeller sent the "Cherry Blossom" sputtering through the park before it crashed into the base of a tree. Debris soared through the air before bouncing off the grass as a stomach-churning, metallic "crunch!" was heard from the impact zone. Bastet tentatively stepped forward. "Squeak-chan?" "He could have easily survived that," Artemis said optimistically. Just then, the remains of the "Cherry Blossom" burst into flames, a grandiose fireball rising up through the trees. Artemis turned back to Bastet, whose jaw had now hit the ground in a horrified expression. "Um...it's not over until they find a body." The guardian cat didn't seem encouraged. "Easy for you to say," he growled. "You ate all his co-workers a few hours ago." "Oh, will you shut up about that? We're about to be cannibalized by your sister!" "Sure, blame me for everything," Bastet sighed. "You were just as guilty as I was for that Silver Millennium yakisoba incident. Artemis' ear twitched. "I don't even remember that. And might I remind you just who got me into this mess in the first place." The two hissed, coming fang to fang with each other. Seconds later they were screeching and clawing amidst a dust cloud. This entire melee seemed rather counter-productive to their fight for survival against Toyo, and she decided to make this point known in a subtle yet eloquent manner. In short, she spat a fireball at them. "Bastet!" Toyo exclaimed, stomping towards the two felines. "I'm supposed to be killing him, not you! Baka neko, you're his guardian!" Both Artemis and Bastet paused at that--though mainly because the fireball incinerated the tree right beside them. "Daijobu?" Bastet asked. Artemis meekly nodded. "Hai. Look, I'm sorry I said those things." "I'm sorry too," Bastet added. "You want to go out for coffee or something?" "You buying?" "ENOUGH!!" Toyo bellowed, dropping onto all fours. Her slitted, yellow eyes narrowed as she appraised her victims. Even now with all the open space, Bastet and Artemis were too small and exhausted to last long against her. Her claws became unsheathed, extending even further than before. "Prepare to discover what it feels like to become a throw rug!" she proclaimed, raking her claws down. But suddenly a crimson blur shot through the air, neatly drawing blood from Toyo's hand. The demon cat recoiled, folding her wounded hand close to her chest. "N-Na ni?" Bastet stammered, venturing to open one eye and reassure himself that he was still alive. Toyo glared down at what had cut her; a red rose was between her and Artemis, its stem buried in the ground from the force of its flight. "Who did this?" she snarled, spinning around. She saw Tuxedo Kamen step out from a cluster of trees. And in behind him stood the Sailor Senshi. Fast-forwarding through the obligatory spiels of love & justice, Tuxedo Kamen and the Senshi then joined the fracas against Toyo. The battle was fast and furious; attacks and fur were flying in all directions. Fortunately, no one was allergic to demon cat hair. It didn't take long for the battle zone to be transferred from whatever was left of the park, back onto the roadways. For a second time that night, small domestic cars were being lobbed across the laneways. But this time, Artemis and Bastet were being completely ignored. The two felines slowly made their way to the edge of the sidewalk, watching with mild interest at the ensuing brawl. "There has to be a way to pacify her," Bastet said, wincing as he saw Toyo swat aside Sailor Jupiter. Artemis shot him a look. "And where do you think we're going to find a giant bag of catnip at this hour?" Bastet's eyes widened. "That's it! Artemis, you're brilliant!" He quickly mulled over the option. "Toyo has but one weakness. It's risky, but I don't think we have any other choice." Bastet bounded a short distance away from Artemis. Without anyone else nearby, the Egyptian Mau closed his eyes and stretched out his paws to his sides. The air around him grew warmer, as Bastet started to chant something in a low and nearly incoherent voice. Sparkles began to shimmer in the air, light filtering in around him. Lightning crackled and exploded from the ground and objects around Bastet, a massive build-up of energy being focused by the guardian cat. Any bits of debris at his feet started to rattle before being lifted up into the air. Pieces of cement, asphalt and metal hovered around Bastet--moments before they burst into flame. The Sailor Senshi, and even Toyo, stopped their fighting as they sensed the enormous surge of magic. Bastet remained oblivious, his attack now reaching its frenzied peak. The air around him was charged to the point of total saturation, flames and lightning exploding all around him. Bastet's eyes abruptly opened, focusing solely on Toyo. "You won't steal my hard-earned moccachinoes from me, Toyo-chan!" he exclaimed. With a loud shout he flung his paws towards his demon cat of a sister, unleashing the power he had gathered. Everything became lost in a blinding flash of white light that painted the midnight sky like it was day. Artemis winced and turned his head, trying to shield his eyes. The shockwave that tore through the street in the wake of the explosion was deafening. Whatever debris hadn't erupted into flame was sent shooting across the street in every direction. The burst of light died out seconds later. Carefully opening his eyes, Artemis dared to see what had become of Toyo. Much to his surprise, she was still standing there in the middle of the street. Stunned as to what had happened, but still standing there none the less. But what really caught Artemis' eye (along with everyone else's) was the oversized yarnball now in front of Toyo. Artemis blinked. "Ano...that's a giant ball of yarn." "Well how else do you propose to get an eight foot tall demon- cat's attention?" Bastet replied, happily trotting over to Artemis. Of course, there was one small problem. As it turned out, they were situated right at the top of a hill. And it only took one good swat from Toyo's hand to send the oversized yarnball rolling down the incline. It quickly picked up speed, bouncing down the asphalt road as cars frantically swerved to miss being clobbered. With a yowl, Toyo dropped onto all fours and began to give chase after her precious playtoy. "That's great she's not out to kill us," Artemis remarked as he watched even more cars get smashed, stomped on and thrown aside. "But just how do you intend to stop her now?" Bastet grinned and chortled to himself, trying to mask his nervousness. "I haven't the slightest idea." "Somehow, Bastet, that doesn't surprise me." Artemis sighed as he sprawled out on his back in Minako's underwear drawer. With an almost contended grin, he just stared up at the ceiling. Such a time of retrospect required one to lay amidst a comfortable surrounding. And since those killer squirrels had ravaged the local periwinkle patch last night, this was the next best place. For once, things hadn't ended on such a bad note. Then again, they hadn't ended on such a good one either. Once Toyo had disappeared down the street after the giant yarnball, the fuku-clad agents of love and justice gave chase. At the time, he had felt far from wanting to join the hunt. Let the Sailor Senshi fight the demon cat. Artemis felt he had taken enough abuse for one day. Everything had worked out, though. Eventually Toyo was caught and put into some kind of celestial kitty pound. Bastet got to keep his guardian wings. And Squeak (who was proving to be one tenacious rodent) was going to be out of his bodycast in another month or so. Yes indeed, for everyone else, it was a happy ending. But not a single one of the Senshi had apologized to Artemis for doubting his sincerity and integrity. None had asked if he was okay after nearly being eaten...yet again. He had simply limped home alone and flopped out somewhere on Minako's bedroom floor. She didn't bother waking him whenever she got in. So once more there had been no "Gomen ne, Artemis, but you were right." A "We should have believed in you, Artemis" was certainly nowhere to be seen. And the distressingly absent "Artemis, you looked pretty damned cool risking your life to save us" only compounded his lamenting sighs. But at least this time around, he wasn't as thoroughly bruised as he had been with Cerberus. It was a small consolation, but one Artemis was happy to cherish. Luna seemed to be tolerating him again, Diana was still around, and Minako hadn't sealed off the kitty door yet. "Yep," Artemis remarked idly. "Things seem to be finally looking up for me." Suddenly a silver and blue blur shot through the window, tumbling into Minako's bedsheets. "You've gotta hide me!" Bastet exclaimed, flopping down onto the floor. A crazed and frantic look was in his eyes. Artemis paused for a moment to appraise his guardian cat's new choice of wardrobe. "Since when did you start cross-dressing?" "That's just it!" Bastet said, trying to yank off the blue and white polka-dotted dress. He shook himself free of the white hat on his head. "There I was, strutting down the street, minding my own business. The next thing I know, this gang of four year-old girls show up and suddenly I'm having tea next to a Felicia plushie doll!" Bastet hopped around the carpet in trying to escape from the booties on his hind legs. "My vocation in life distinctly states guardian cat, not fashion freak! I have never been so embarrassed in my life!" All Artemis could do was start to laugh. And continue laughing to the point of hysterics. "I don't see what's so funny," Bastet pouted. "See how hot you look in a pair of booties." He then propped himself up against the underwear drawer. "Before my untimely dress-up session, I was coming here on business matters." Artemis rolled onto his stomach. "What business?" he asked suspiciously. Bastet chortled to himself. "Rumour has it there's a dog demon who lives around this district." "Inu Yasha?" Artemis inquired. That caught Bastet by surprise. "You know him?" Artemis nodded, stifling a yawn. "He hangs out with Kagome at the Sunset Shrine; where that Bone-Eater's Well is." Suddenly realizing what he just said, Artemis glared at Bastet. "And why do you want to know about him?" "I figure you need more work on your wooing," Bastet replied cheerfully. "Sure, Luna's talking to you, but there's still not that grand air of romance! Now what I'm a thinking is we stage a fake fight between you and this Inu Yasha character. You protect Luna, take a few hits, and she's yours. Ne?" Artemis could only stare at Bastet in utter disbelief. "Just think of it as another lesson in the education of love," Bastet insisted. "Ne, Artemis?" He looked around the bedroom, but found Artemis already outside and standing at the edge of the road. "Taxi!" Artemis called out, frantically waving his paws at the oncoming traffic. END. My sincerest thanks goes out to David H. Oliver for supplying me with the details about the "Cherry Blossom" fighter plane. Granted he might question giving me this information once he discovers what it was used for. ^-^ Inu Yasha naturally belongs to Rumiko Takahashi. As for the other felines mentioned in this fic...I'll leave it up to you to figure out which nekojin (catgirl) belongs to which Anime cameo.