Mamoru Chiba Needs A Hug Rated PG Pinky: [running around in his hamster wheel] "Gee, Brain, what are we gonna do tonight?" Brain: [picking the lock to their cage] "The same thing we do every night, Pinky: defeat the Sailor Senshi and then take over Tokyo!" Greetings! His lordship Chaos here. Like many of you readers out there, I am an otaku. More to the point, I am also a Sailormoon fan. There are many virtues I can wax ecstatically upon regarding the series. Yet there are some vices that I cannot avoid, and they do so irritate me. Are you also unnerved by the frightening inadequacy of the monster o' the day? By the same token, does the idea of this rather absurd-looking creature/cannon fodder's love for shouting out completely pointless phrases and equally ridiculous attacks make you want to bang your head repeatedly against the nearest solid object just so the hurting can stop? Well, cringe no more! After many months of world travel to old and fantastic ruins, and countless hours of exhaustive literary studies on the demons of ancient myths and lore...all I could come up with was this. So let the world of Warner Bros. headbang alongside the world of Naoko Takeuchi. And with any luck, when this fic is done we'll have enough fragments of their shattered minds left to take to the Emergency Ward. Multiverse reconstructive surgery is such a temperamental operation these days. Ja. -His lordship Chaos hislordshipchaos@hotmail.com carnage.fanfic.org MAMORU CHIBA NEEDS A HUG (Feel free to hum a theme song or two here.) It was dark in the Tomoe laboratory. All of the Deathbusters had retired for the night, the Witches 4 to their dorm residences in the Mugen High School building, and professor Tomoe to his family and mansion. The main lights to the lab had been turned off, yet the sinister glow of their work still cast its ominous ripples and hues across the ceiling. Rows upon rows of daimon compounds were placed in their holders, their specific properties and strengths meticulously & individually catalogued. The bunsen burners had been turned off, and the remains from the last shattered vial (thusly marking the birth of another daimon creature) was cleaned off the counter top. Somewhere in the back corners, the instant daimon luggage-making machine had been powered down, left on standby mode. There was an eerie lull in the lab. Not a creature was stirring--except for the two white lab mice located just offside of the daimon storage counters. Amidst a long- neglected stack of photo albums and magazines Kaolinite had once used to try and find potential victims with pure hearts, a small mouse cage sat. And inside the bars, two seemingly innocent & generic rodents were busy whiling the night away. "That man and his perpetual facial shadow continue to boggle me," the Brain remarked, shaking his head as he paced the perimeter of their cage. "Here he has all the possible means of taking over not only Tokyo, but the entire world--and yet he's been stalemated every single time. This lack of progress can only point to his mental incompetence in the realms of world domination." "He should see about getting an interior decorator too," Pinky said as he worked on getting some water from their cage's dispenser bottle. "This place is so dark and forbidding that I don't think even Martha Stewart could successfully pull off a decent cocktail party here." The Brain, aptly named because of his overly large head and IQ, stopped his pacing long enough to shudder at Pinky's rather blatant lack of grey matter. After silently chanting a mantra to calm himself down, he resumed musing to himself. "True, if it wasn't for them using us as proverbial guinea pigs in their early testing of daimon hosts, I wouldn't be as smart and megalomaniacal as I am today." "And I wouldn't have been able to learn how to disco dance!" Pinky proudly added, and resumed trying to suck out some water from their dispenser. However, he sucked a little too hard, created a miniature vacuum, and subsequently got his head stuck in the water dispenser's nozzle. "Suddenly I can see why your model of daimon was recalled after they used it on you," the Brain glibly stated, rolling his eyes in disgust. He then walked over to their cage door and pulled out a hidden garage door opener. With a loud whir of motors and gears, their cage door retracted upwards. The way before them was cleared. The laboratory was theirs to play with. They made their way across the laboratory, climbing onto the primary counter which housed all the daimon ooze. The Brain scaled an Erlenmeyer flash, stopping once he reached its corked top. "Added to my continuing disapproval of Professor Tomoe's methods is the fact that he appointed that bubblehead Mimete to find more pure hearts." "Narf! I think she's kinda cute," Pinky spoke up. "So much for the theory of opposites attracting," the Brain retorted. The scathing sarcasm of his remark was lost on Pinky, who daintily skipped between all the test tubes. Occasionally he would dip a finger into the liquid and test its temperature. "The sad paradigm is, Pinky," the Brain woefully lamented. "that for every time progress is made on finding a pure heart or procuring the Talismans, there is interference from the Sailor Senshi. Yet one would think Tomoe would find a means of creating a daimon capable of handling their combined firepower." He smacked a small mousy fist into his small mousy palm. "There can be only one viable solution, Pinky: it is up to us to succeed where Tomoe and his Deathbusters have failed. We must capture the Talismans, call forth the Dark Messiah and then summon the Holy Grail so we can take over the world for ourselves!!" "What about serving that Pharaoh Ninety guy?" Pinky asked. The Brain waved that notion aside. "Like I'm about play hunchback to some intergalactic, Urotsuki Doji monster wanna-be. If that alien can't find good help to subdue the planet, then the blame squarely falls on him." Pinky sighed in agreement. "Upper management destroys a perfectly good conquest once again. It's a good thing the Sailor Senshi don't have to worry about something like that." Brain: o.O;; "Pinky," he exclaimed in epiphany. "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" "I think so, Brain," Pinky replied as he scratched his head. "But why do we need to eat the red Smarties last?" Brain glowered at his delusionally adequate assistant. "Because they're not blue, you twit." "Hm, and here I though the answer would be a little more existential than that," Pinky remarked. He was immediately clubbed on the head with a ruler. "Pinky," the Brain stated as he set down the ruler. "Could you please stop climbing down the rungs of the evolutionary ladder before you achieve a status just under the toaster oven? This is world domination, not philosophy." "Well it's certainly not rocket science. Narf!" "Keep this up and I'll change the subject matter to taxidermy, Pinky. Now then, follow me." The two mice continued to march through the Deathbuster lab. Though there was a time where the Brain intently studied some pin- up girl posters that Professor Tomoe had left lying around. For purely scientific purposes, of course! "We need to create confusion among their ranks, Pinky," Brain explained. "That is where our human Deathbuster counterparts have failed. United the Senshi stand, but divided they fall. I can create the ultimate daimon easily enough, but we require additional diversions that will throw the sailor soldiers off during battle." "And how will we do that, Brain?" The Brain suddenly turned around, and his subsequent costume change caused Pinky to stare at him rather dumbfoundedly. "Naaaaarf...." Brain readjusted the mouse-sized sailor battle fuku that was now covering his body. "I shall become...Sailor Brain, defender of some obscure celestial body no one's ever heard of!" "Pamela Anderson's acting abilities?" "Pinky, we both know that is merely an urban legend." Pinky scratched his head as he glanced down at the pleated skirt that dangled around the Brain's toes. "You really think they'll fall for this, Brain?" he asked. "Of course, Pinky. You forget that this season of Sailormoon features the appearance of the Outer Senshi. With four new and unknown soldiers running around, it's hard enough as it is for everyone to keep track of who's who." Brain paused to again readjust his leotard. "Plus I can use my disguise to further push the Inners and Outers away from each other." "My bellybutton's an outie, Brain," Pinky added with a smile. He leaned back and happily displayed said bellybutton. "Does that mean you can use your magic of love and justice to me an innie?" It was then that Sailor Brain used his magical girl powers and clobbered Pinky with a Bunsen burner of love and justice. "No, Pinky. The Inner Senshi and the Outer Senshi have different ways of fighting, which usually puts them at odds with how to handle a situation. The Inners are especially compassionate and don't want to sacrifice anyone. The Outers are of an opposing mindset." Brain crossed his eyes in looking up at the tiara that was stretched across his forehead. And oddly enough, he somewhat enjoyed the feel of this long silvery-purple hair he had acquired from the transformation, and decided that before the night was out he'd try some Herbal Essence shampoo on it. "The key is for me to show up dramatically and mysteriously. Then I can play both sides, first pretending to support the Inners. Then I can change sides and support the Outers. This will serve to further drive a wedge between them until the Senshi are so busy fighting with each other that they won't even notice me taking over the world! Now I must change back, Pinky." "Why?" Pinky asked. "You don't want anyone else in the lab to know your secret identity?" "No. This leotard is giving me a severe wedgie." * * * The next few hours of the night were spent pouring over volumes of research books and computer notes that Professor Tomoe had made in the course of his own daimon experimentation. The Brain was busy cross-referencing some aspects of certain inanimate objects that would enhance the resulting daimon's strength even more. And Pinky was just being himself. Much to Brain's immense displeasure. "Can I crossdress too?" Pinky asked as he pretended to sword fight with a mechanical pencil. "It's almost Halloween, after all." "Pinky, what have I told you about the dangers of attending those Rocky Horror Picture Show marathons?" Brain replied, glaring at Pinky for the interruption. "Besides, Halloween is more a North American tradition. While Japan holds more legends of a supernatural nature, they do not take a single day off to commercially exploit it. They have other holidays to compensate for that." Pinky looked crestfallen. "Well, what about a Sailor Earth or a Sailor Sun?" he persisted. "Can't I be one of them?" The Brain groaned in exasperation and forcibly tore himself away from his daimon anatomy books. "Pinky, try to stay with me on this one. First off, Tuxedo Kamen is the guardian of the Earth. That position's already taken. And second, the sun is a big blazing ball of energy and fire. The chances of anyone living even remotely close to it are nihil. There's no reason anyone can or should want to protect it. The appearance of a Sailor Sun would probably just cause the Senshi to roll on the floor in fits of hysterical laughter." Pinky perked up and smiled at that. "Oh, lovely! I've always wanted to be a comedian!" Rolling his eyes, Brain went back to work. It wasn't long before he had devised a chart that revealed the traits and percentages of what he wanted to go into his uber-daimon. Sometimes the best traits came from living objects. Immediately he and Pinky got to work, raiding various places in Tokyo for their supplies. Later on the next day, the Tokyo Zoo would report the mysterious theft of one of their cheetahs. A demolition site would be baffled by the disappearance of their wrecking ball machine. And over 100 sushi bars across the city would report two small ninjas making off with all of their blowfish. Returning to the lab found the Brain in a rather cheerful mood. Idly whistling some sort of New Wave Heroines tango music to himself, he set about stuffing all the acquired items into the Instant Daimon Machine. By the end it was getting so crammed in the chamber that they had to stuff the somewhat protesting cheetah inside with a plunger. "Okay, we're set," Brain announced as he put on his safety goggles. "Pinky, flip the switch!" Pinky gave a thumbs up from his place atop the machine, and then bungee-jumped off the release lever. The lever shifted positions as his weight offset it. There was a momentary click as the machine started up, followed by a frenetic explosion of sound and static electricity. Shadows bounced all over the lab courtesy of the intense, flickering glow coming from the machine. A few seconds later there was a loud "DING!" as the daimon was prepared. A hatch in the rear opened up and spat out a large suitcase. The Brain ran over the suitcase and scurried to climb atop it. "Yes! I have created the most terrifying daimon in the history of Sailormoon!" he triumphantly proclaimed. "A zombie ChibiChibi?" Pinky ventured. The Brain turned and looked down at the other mouse. "Pinky, I want to defeat the Senshi, not traumatize them for life. No, this daimon has it all. There's a special paralysis poison derived from otherwise lethal blowfish toxins; this ensures no one can attack it at close range. It's accelerated cheetah-like speed thusly ensures that it can dodge any long-range attack. And when it charges in for close combat, it's physical power is unrivalled thanks to the properties of a nearly unstoppable wrecking ball." Pinky crossed his arms over his furry chest and nodded. "So he's kinda like Superman, then." The Brain facevaulted right off the suitcase upon hearing that, which did somewhat ruin the dramatic tension. * * * "So how are we going to locate the Senshi when we don't even know who they are?" Pinky asked as the two mice drove through Jyuban Park in a souped-up moped the Brain had built from the leftover pieces of Eudial's car. The daimon suitcase, when standing on its side, acted as the perfect booster seat for Brain to steer from. After a moment's pause, Pinky then exclaimed, "Oh, I know! We could put an add out for them in the classifieds!" The Brain remained deadpan as he drove the moped, and replied sarcastically, "While we're at it, let's rent a blimp with a large pixelboard, and broadcast our challenge across the entire city too." "Narf! Can I fly the blimp?" Brain turned his head and gave Pinky a pointed stare. "After what you did to the Hindenburg in our past reincarnations? Not a chance, Pinky. However, we don't have to worry about finding a Senshi. The Senshi will naturally find us." "How do figure that, Brain?" Pinky asked, scratching his head in confusion. "We don't have homing beacons in our digestive tracts again, do we?" "I sincerely hope not; that tracking device gave me a most nauseating case of indigestion last time. But I have been studying the Senshi's reaction times to daimon attacks, and even with teleportation they always get there too fast. Are you pondering what I'm pondering, Pinky?" Pinky: "I think so, Brain, and I'm pretty sure it was an N-word." Brain: --;; "You truly are depriving a village of its idiot, Pinky." "As I was saying before I was interrupted by your brilliant uselessness," he continued. "They arrive far too fast to have been able to sensed the danger far off. My suspicions are that they always happen to have met or befriended our victim of the day." "So what does that mean?" "It means we just select someone at random for no good reason, Pinky. And with the laws of Magical Girls in place, that randomly- selected victim will have coincidentally been in close contact with one or more of the Senshi's alter egos. We don't have to do any work--though it means that any subtle attack on our part is screwed from the start." Pinky's eyes widened in amazement. "Naaarf! How fiendishly predictable, Brain. Too bad the weather forecasters can't be as reliable." "While you, Pinky, are a lightening rod for stupidity," the Brain replied. Misinterpreting this as a compliment, Pinky grinned proudly. "Thank you, Brain! It's nice to know I contribute something to the team!" "Not to mention my reoccurring migraines," Brain muttered. He took a left as the path diverged, driving the moped out of the park and onto the roads. From here on in it was just a matter of finding a hapless pedestrian walking along the sidewalk. "Finding the Grail and its Messiah is secondary," Brains stated, adjusting his driving goggles. "We're not out for pure hearts tonight, Pinky; we're here to make sure the Sailor Senshi are no longer a threat to our bid for global domination. Right now, we're just scouting for a hapless victim." Pinky immediately pointed to someone walking down the sidewalk on the opposite side of the road. "How about him, Brain? The tall guy walking next to that blue-haired girl?" The Brain's eyes narrowed as he zeroed in on the young man in particular, and a diabolical smile lit up his face. "Excellent choice, Pinky," he stated, yanking hard on the steering bar. The moped swerved wildly across the lanes of traffic, nearly sideswiping a yellow sports convertible in the process. The Brain pulled their moped up to the gawking teens, who couldn't help but take note of the loud screeching of brakes and maniacal drivers. "You know, that was a very illegal U-turn you pulled," the young man stated sternly, his hands in his jacket pocket. "Quiet, you," the Brain snapped, hopping down from the daimon suitcase. "Being of the villainous type I am more than obliged to ignore your naughty finger-wagging of goody-goodiness." The guy and the blue-haired girl exchanged bewildered looks at being spoken to by a small mouse with a large head--who also seemed to know how to drive a moped. "Yes, cower before me!" the Brain proclaimed. "There's a new Deathbuster in town today, kiddies--and you're my newest target." He glanced back to Pinky, who was racing around atop the piece of luggage to undo the metal straps holding the lid in place. "Pinky, unleash the uber-daimon!" Pinky saluted and kicked the lid open...which then came crashing down atop the hapless Brain. A gust of wind ushered in a flood of violet haze that exploded from the suitcase. A silhouette appeared amidst the billows of mist, and another sudden surge of wind cleared the fog away. The daimon was revealed, and promptly struck an exaggerated pose while boldly shouting out, "Pin cushion!" Her distinctly feminine body was accented by the slight tuft of yellow fur beneath her chin, her body stippled with black spots. A tail leisurely twitched behind her, while her back and forearms were adorned with icicle-like spines. The daimon leered at the young man as she twirled a large 200t ball and chain in her hands. "She looks almost like a catgirl," Pinky remarked to the Brain. Brain just shrugged. "It's Anime, Pinky. There are times when pandering to the tastes of the otaku readers pays off. Now then, my loyal subject, get us a pure heart!" The daimon roared and prepared to pounce. "A daimon?!" the blue-haired girl exclaimed. She grabbed hold of the guy's arm, trying to pull him out of his shock. "We need to get out of here!" The young man simply nodded in mute disbelief, though still refused to budge. He was rooted in terror. This only worked to the daimon's advantage, who promptly charged and pushed the female aside. Seconds later the young man's pure heart was removed from his body by a rather graphic and just plain unnatural kiss. Pinky: [ewww...] "Is that what they mean by 'sucking face', Brain?" Brain: [eyebrow twitch!] "Censor advisory boards are going to have a field day with this scene." The neko-daimon grinned at its shimmering crystal trophy. "Pin cushion!" it stated, turning to the Brain to present him with the young man's pure heart. "We did it, Brain!" Pinky cheered, jumping up in the air and kicking his hind paws together. "It'll make a great ornament for our Christmas tree!" Brain calmly extended his hand and smacked Pinky upside the back of the head. "Stupidity leak, Pinky. The pure heart is merely serving as bait. The real fun begins when the Senshi make their--" "Hold right there!" a loud female voice called out, causing the daimon to step back in surprise. Suddenly, standing upon a light pole was the blue-haired Sailor Mercury. "I will not allow you to rob this young man of his dreams of becoming a professional fanfiction author!" she stated. "I am Sailor Mercury, and you shall feel my icy wrath now!" The Brain regarded her with mild interest. "This is it, Pinky. Time for me to change into Sailor Brain." Pinky eagerly waved his hand in the air. "Oooh, can I be your guardian advisor. You know, the Senshi have cats, so you can have a mouse!" "Pinky, that would be like Einstein asking a preschooler to teach him math," Brain replied, walking off to make his costume change. "You stay here and be as benign as possible." "Aw, but want to cosplay too, Brain!" Meanwhile, Mercury was discovering just how difficult it was to get in close enough to the daimon to actually let loose with an attack that might stun or stop it. The neko-daimon continued to leap around the street, effortlessly dodging all her Shining Aqua Illusions. And then all of a sudden, a large ringed sphere of golden light tore through the asphalt with all the subtlety of a ravenous Usagi at an all-you-can-eat buffet. The daimon's eyes widened in surprise as it hastily dodged the World Shaking attack, vaulting from off the top of a parked car. The attack smashed into the side of the car, igniting the gasoline within the fuel tank. The car exploded, casting the street in hues of red and orange as black smoke burst forth into the skies above. "Pin cushion?" the neko-daimon mused, looking at the direction the World Shaking had come from. Stalking in the middle of the street towards the battlezone appeared Sailors Uranus, Neptune and Pluto. The trio of Outer Senshi stopped a few steps short of the flaming wreckage of the car, all three of them glaring at the daimon. "That's the last time you try to sideswipe our car," Neptune said. "Return the pure heart," Pluto stated in no uncertain terms. "NOW." Uranus cracked her knuckles as she made a fist, the charge of another World Shaking attack gathering around her hand. "Give me another excuse to send this through your chest." "Wait!" Sailor Mercury exclaimed, stepping towards the three soldiers. "This daimon is different from the others. We don't know what it's fully capable of." "Ami-chan is right," came Sailor Moon's voice. The Senshi glanced to their left as the four remaining Inners made their entrance. "If we fight together, I'm sure we can defeat it." "Che," Uranus muttered. "If I can't fight my way, I'll let you try it by yourselves." Pluto shook her head as she tightly gripped her staff. "Your mission is different is from ours." She abruptly ducked another swing from the wrecking ball. "We have the Grail to worry about." Sailor Jupiter unleashed a Supreme Thunder, only to gasp in horror as the neko-daimon leapt out of harm's way. It charged and tried to take her down with its barbed cat tail. Only a dramatic save from Mars prevented Jupiter from being stung by the spines. "Arguing like this isn't going to do us any good," Sailor Venus exclaimed, distracting the neko-daimon's attention from the two fallen Inners. "We need a plan we all can work from!" "Yes, we all can defeat this new and mysterious, yet ingeniously constructed daimon!" a baritone voice agreed. "And I can show you how." Surprised, the neko-daimon and the Senshi all looked down to the sidewalk, where a curiously small and furry soldier stepped into the light. And to add to the effect, Pinky played some dramatic entrance music on a ghetto blaster. Well...that was the idea, anyways, but Pinky accidentally played a techno hiphop version of "Cotton-Eyed Joe meets the Hamster Dance theme." At the risk of stating the obvious, all the dramatic tension in that moment was flushed right down the proverbial toilet. "There's another one of you?!" the neko-daimon exclaimed in disbelief. "What is this, a convention?" Sailor Moon knelt down next to the latest fuku-clad Senshi to make the scene. "Who are you?" she asked. Brain: "I am Sailor Brain, guardian of some distant celestial body you've probably never heard of before!" Sailor Mercury: "Try me. I might know of it." Sailor Brain: [sweatdrop!] "Um...oh, look! A daimon!" And taking that as its cue, the neko-daimon leaped out in front of everyone and brandished its oversized wrecking ball & chain. The Senshi scattered as the gargantuan metal sphere smashed into the road,leaving a gaping crater in its wake. "Pin cushion!" it exclaimed, striking a pose. It grabbed hold of one of its spines and pointed to it. "Beware! Each of these spines on my body are razor-sharp, and delivers a lethal poison that completely paralyzes you in under three sec--OW! I pricked myself!" Two seconds later the daimon fell down in a twitching, paralyzed heap. Sailor Brain stared down at his fallen creation, a sweatdrop hovering next to his forehead as he realized that no matter what genetic mutations you performed, a daimon would still be as stupid as a bag of hammers. Yet all didn't seem entirely lost. "Excellent," he stated, heading towards Sailor Moon. "Now we can quickly dispose of this vile yet brilliantly-made daimon, and return the pure heart to its rightful own--oof! How do they fight evil in these flimsy high heels anyways?" "Hold it," Sailor Uranus interjected, stepping forward. "This pint-sized soldier's from outside our solar system. There's no telling if she's a threat herself." "Madam, in case your own sexual ambiguity has blinded you to my deep Orsen Welles voice," Sailor Brain growled, somewhat annoyed at being a case study of mistaken gender identity. "I happen to be a male." "Even more reason not to trust him," Pluto stated. "We don't know what sort of crossdressers this distant celestial body has raised up." Sailor Brain: [muttering to himself] "Wait for Kinmoku." Sailor Mars: "Hm?" Sailor Brain: ^-^ "Nothing!" Sailor Neptune nodded in agreement with the other Outers. "It is out duty as Outer Senshi to guard against evil forces beyond our solar system. We're not so useless here as to beg for help from other soldiers. We can handle the Deathbusters ourselves. We don't need you five, and we certainly don't need help from this Sailor Brain character." "But if the Silence is as bad as we all know it is," Mercury countered. "Then we need all the help we can get! You can't simply dismiss us because of different techniques." "Watch us," Uranus said, turning to walk away. Pluto and Neptune followed in suit. Jupiter glared at the tall, sandy-blonde soldier. "And to think I once looked up to you," she growled. "Wait!" Sailor Moon cried out, racing forward to stop the departing Outers. "It doesn't have to be this way." "Let them go, Usagi," Mars countered, placing a firm restraining hand on her friend. "Your arrogance is going to be your own undoing one day," Mercury stated to the fleeting forms of the Outer Senshi. "And right now I don't know if I'll be sad in seeing that day come." Neptune stiffened and turned back. "Would you like to make something out of this, Mercury? We can make our undoing tonight, if you feel so inclined to help." That challenge put every Senshi in a tense state of mind. Instinctively all their powers started to flare up, ready to both protect and attack. The Brain grinned, realizing that his diabolical plot was coming to fruition. He had sparked the skepticism of the Outers, and appealed to the slightly naive compassion of the Inners. No one was paying attention to the neko-daimon, which he was currently pumping full of atropine to counteract the paralysis toxins. "Pin...cushion?" the daimon groggily mewed, looking at him. "It is I, your glorious creator, leader and soon-to-be world dictator," the Brain stated, quickly removing his wig of silvery- purple hair. "Wait until they start actually fighting each other, and then while their collective guards are down, take them out by deploying your venom-laced spines." The neko-daimon gave him a most curious expression. "Shoot the big pointy things on your back at those women," the Brain restated with a groan. Yet the neko-daimon continued to stare at him with that curious expression. It then gave the Brain a most devilishly catty smile. "Pin cushion!" it growled. Brain: o.O; "This does not bode well." Moments later, Pinky (who was still lounging atop the moped) noticed a strange sight. Namely a fuku-clad Brain racing his little legs off as the neko-daimon meowed and chased after him. "Have you taken up jogging now, Brain?" Pinky asked. "No, you fool!" the Brain exclaimed, frantically trying to dodge the neko-daimon's pounces. "I forgot to remove the daimon's latent feline desire to chase mice around too." Pinky nodded at the severity of the situation. "Narf! That is really bad, Brain. What can I do to help?" "Scratch its belly and make it purr!" "But won't it eat me in the process?" "That's a risk I'm willing to take, Pinky!" Brain said, now running laps around their Deathbuster moped. Pinky walked around to the rear of the moped and scanned the road for the Sailor Senshi. "Maybe we can get those sailor girls to help out, Brain." His optimism faded upon seeing a Uranus putting Jupiter in a headlock, Mercury vainly pulling on Uranus' leg to get her to stop, Neptune subjecting Mars to a noogie, Venus giving Pluto a severe wedgie, and Sailor Moon running around in a complete state of useless panic. "Um...I think they're busy reenacting a Jerry Springer show, Brain. They'll have to get back later about saving you." "Never mind them, Pinky! Find the emergency leash and collar in the daimon suitcase and tie down this cat daimon!" Pinky quickly tried to get the few cobwebbed gears in his mind to turn. Suddenly, as if given a Macguyver-like revelation, his face lit up. "Narf! I have the answer to all our problems, Brain! I'll return shortly." And with that, he dashed around a corner. "Whatever half-crazed conception of a rescue plan you have, initiate it soon, Pinky!" the Brain exclaimed, still trying to break a sound barrier in order to escape the neko-daimon. This was proving to no avail, and Brain found the cat daimon steadily closing the distance between them. It was no use shouting out to the Senshi for help, since the eight soldiers were too forgone in their wrestling matches to notice the neko-daimon running amok. Suddenly the neko-daimon pounced on Brain and pinned him to the ground. He could barely recover from being slammed onto the sidewalk when he found himself being hoisted into the air and held over the neko-daimon's open mouth. "Daimon's shouldn't steal pure hearts on an empty stomach," it remarked. The Brain stared down at the daimon's wiggling uvula. "The irony of this fatal situation has not escaped me, I'm sad to say." "Ow! Minako-chan, you bit me!" "Gomen, I thought your gloved hands were Haruka's gloved hands." "WEDGIE!" "Just how flexible are you?!" "Bitch slap! Bitch slap!" "Get your fuku-clad butt back here so I can whup it with my time staff!" And then suddenly a streak of red lightening shot across the scene, startling everyone so much that they stopped whatever they were doing. Half the Senshi remained frozen in their various amok wrestling positions. The neko-youma kept Brain dangling perilously over its open mouth. In silence they looked down at the red rose imbedded into the asphalt of the road. "Sailor Soldiers, this is not the way we should be behaving!" a curiously nasal & dorky voice proclaimed across the stillness of the night. "We are all here to fight evil in the name of love and justice. We all have something special to dream for, so let's keep that dream alive!" The sailor soldiers slowly began untangling themselves, rising to their feet as they heard this inspirational speech. Much chagrined now, they turned to each other and started to apologize. And there were many touchy-feely Hallmark moments. Completely bewildered by this turn of events, the neko-daimon closed its jaws and lowered Brain back onto the ground. It then started to lick its paws clean with its tongue. Brain could only look around the street, suppressing the urge to groan as he recognized the voice. "Saved by him like this. It's like adding insult to fatality," he muttered to himself. Then atop the moped appeared the saviour of the day: a small white rodent dressed in a dapper black tuxedo and tophat, an eyemask covering his eyes and a gentlemouse's cane in his paws. "If we cannot trust our friends, then who else can we trust? And that means that half a bee has got to be, vis a vis, its entity. So go out there and win one for Tiny Tim, for I am...Tuxedo Pinky!" With that said, Tuxedo Pinky dramatically tripped on his cape and toppled off the moped, unceremoniously faceplanting onto the street. Brain smacked his forehead. "How quickly I forget how RPGs affect such impressionable idiots." Sailor Moon looked down at the squirming mouse in the tuxedo. "Mamo-chan looks like he could use a little help." "I could use a hug too, while we're at it!" Tuxedo Pinky added, leaping back to his feet. "Let's all come together in a great big hug for love and justice! Come on, don't be shy!" Pluto hesitated. Uranus and Neptune visibly balked. "Aw, come on," Tuxedo Pinky said, waving for them all to come forward. "You don't have to be strangers. You two hug each other all the time in private, so why not join us? We all have different ways of fighting, but that's good! That's what makes us unique, and we need to treasure that as much as we treasure our nifty little dreams. Narf!" Upon hearing that, the three Outers walked over and joined the group hug. "I love you, girls," Uranus said amidst teary sniffles. A jealous Neptune elbowed her lover in the ribs for that. "Ow! It was a platonic thing, Michiru." "That's the spirit, ladies!" Tuxedo Pinky encouraged them, leaping from one shoulder to the next. "If we bicker with each other, we're only giving the badguys the chance to win! And we don't want that to happen, do we?" Sailor Moon craned her neck to see above the sailor huddle. "Speaking of the enemy, where are they?" Jupiter pointed to Brain and the neko-daimon. "There they are! There's the daimon, right next to Sailor Brain!" "Oh, don't worry about Sailor Brain; he's harmless," Pinky reassured them all, waving Brain's presence aside. "It's not like he's actually a mouse bent on ruling the world, and posed as a fake Senshi with the intent to create dissension in your ranks and encourage you to fight with each other." Senshi: [slowly turning to Tuxedo Pinky] "......" Tuxedo Pinky: "Well, maybe he's a little megalomaniacal." Everyone's eyes fixated on Brain. "Oh...really?" Pluto inquired, glaring at the pseudo-soldier. "Those Deathbusters seem to be growing a brain by intelligently changing tactics," Neptune remarked. "Not that it's helped them any." The Brain felt a tinge of panic upon seeing the Sailor Senshi slowly advance and encircle him. They certainly looked irate enough to thump his furry rear all the way to Tahiti in the name of love and justice. "Quick, I need an expendable distraction to allow for my escape!" Brain said, turning to the neko-daimon. However, it appeared the neko-daimon had tuckered herself out from all this running around and stealing pure hearts, and had curled up into a ball to take a nap. The vein in Brain's forehead started to throb in frustration-- right until he suddenly found himself beneath the ominous shadows of eight very unimpressed Senshi. "Um...Stage Out?" he ventured. Sailor Mars responded by raising her high heeled shoes over the Brain. "STEP ON HIM!" * * * "Curses, foiled by my own cosplaying," the Brain muttered to himself. After that humiliating and very painful defeat, he had retreated to the Deathbuster laboratory to bandage up his furry, broken body. Pinky was nowhere to be seen--which was just as well, considering how much tonight's fiasco was his fault. Brain made a mental note to smite the gangly, buck-toothed rodent the instant he returned. Maybe feed Pinky to one of Tellurite's mutant plants. The Brain lifted his bandage-wrapped head as he heard a commotion start up down the hallway. Not soon after Pinky emerged. "Where have you been?" Brain said. "Out galavanting in your rental suit with the Senshi, I presume?" "Oh, I've never had such a galavant before," Pinky sighed wistfully. "After they punted you across the city and destroyed the daimon, they all got together at this Shinto temple and had a celebration party! There were chocolates, movies, and I even volunteered to be the pinata!" "How befitting a vocation for you, Pinky." The Brain then noted that Pinky was tugging on a taut red leash that disappeared somewhere around the corner. "Are you trying to have another tug- of-war contest with the refrigerator again?" he dryly inquired. So far, the fridge had won 165 of 166 games. Pinky confided that he believed the fridge had deliberately let him win that one time out of pity. Pinky gave another sharp tug, and a large ball of claws and fur toppled into the laboratory. The Brain rolled his eyes and walked over to Pinky's newest playtoy--abruptly stopping moments later upon seeing a large and thoroughly pissed off gerbil slowly rise to all four paws. "He followed me home," Pinky said happily, snuggling up to the large rodent's furry cheeks. Tamagoyaki growled and pulled out his Beam cannon, aiming the muzzle at the two mice. "Because I'm a sporting gerbil," he remarked. "I'll give you both a three second head start." "Can we keep him, Brain?" Pinky asked. Brain turned to his IQ-impaired associate. "Pinky, the fact that I need you alive so I can outrun you, and thusly let him destroy you instead of me, is the only reason I don't strangle you where you stand." "Is that a 'yes'?" END! His lordship Chaos would like to thank Chibiusa for her complete lack of co-operation in this fanfic. And so completes yet another failed attempt to rule the world. Tune in next time, when you'll hear the Brain say: Brain: [extra crispy now, thanks to a beam cannon] "Now that the end of this fic has come, Pinky, we must return to our cage and plan for tomorrow night." Pinky: [smoking or non?] "Why Brain? What are we going to do tomorrow night?" Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky: find Godzilla, and use him to take over Tokyo!" Pinky: "Oh, Godzilla's already tried that. Sailor Jupiter kinda zorched him." Brain: --;; "How about Gamera then? Can we hire him instead?"