When Magical Girls Go Wrong (ASMR Edition), part I
Rated PG



     Meiou Setsuna.
     By day she's a mild-mannered guardian of time.
     But when the night comes and all the other Senshi have gone to
bed, she tosses the time key and then dons her skintight, black
spandex costume to become...SAILOR SPANK-ME GENTLY!!!


Setsuna: [irately stomping on His lordship Chaos] "WHAT?!"

Hotaru: --;; "Our sincerest apologies, gentle readers."

Haruka: [glaring at the mangled author] "That part of the
introduction has nothing to do with our real, personal lives."

Michiru: "Ne, Setsuna, you can stop drilling his head into the
floor with you stiletto shoes anytime now."

His lordship Chaos: x.x [twitch twitch!] "H-Hai...!"

Setsuna: "Oh, you'll probably be joining me once you discover the
latest fic he's written."

Outer Senshi: o.O;;




                    WHEN MAGICAL GIRLS GO WRONG

           Part II: The Contractual Obligatory Mascot Bit


     It was just another beautiful day in Tokyo. And I was happily
walking down the street, minding my own business. The sun was
shining, the birds were singing, and I had just realized that for
some strange reason, oncoming traffic was headed straight for me.
After flinging my way out of the path of an irately honking Honda,
I found myself dazed and lying in a curbside patch of periwinkle
flowers. 
     Yet that didn't faze me; at the risk of you readers drawing
inaccurate conclusions about my coordination, this was not the
first time I had mistaken the road for the sidewalk. But we're not
going to mention last week's moped incident right now. 
     So I sat there, blinking in surprise and pondering to myself
many different things, such as...as...why this frighteningly kawaii
gerbil was perched on my shoulder and smiling at me. 
     Now the gerbil unto itself wasn't that scary. But the pink
tutu it was wearing was definitely causing my eyebrow to twitch. 

Gerbil: ^-^ "Hi! I'm Epsilon van Suisei no Tamagoyaki, the
sixteenth!! But you can call me Bob." 

Chaos: [nodding as if understanding] "Ooooookaaaay...." 

     At first I thought I was having a traumatizing flashback to
when my Pokemon goldfish died when I was a child. We had cremated
the Pokemon and then flushed its ashes down the toilet. A burial at
sea, if you will. Now when confronted by a talking tutu-clad
rodent, I did what any sensible person would have done. 
     I punted his furry ass straight across the Ginza Ward. 

Gerbil: o.O "This wasn't the reaction I was
expectiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!" 

     Happy with myself for having overcome yet another adversity,
I set off back down the sidewalk--and was immediately slapped with
a lawsuit by SPCAM (Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Anime
Mascots). And then it suddenly began to rain. I pulled out my
umbrella, but a random bolt of lightening struck it and turned me
into a smouldering li'l otaku. 
     Completely omitting that "giant robot running amok and
stepping on me" incident, I made it home: soaked, stomped on, and
fined for punting that gerbil. Needless to say, I was not in a good
mood. 
     Fortunately, who should show up on my bed covers (and thus
become an outlet for me venting my frustrations) but that talking,
tutu-clad gerbil! Well...actually this time he had on a business
suit and carried a really small attach‚ case. 

     [Cue the rapid dialogue mode segment!] 

Chaos: [grrrr!] "YOU!!" 

Gerbil: [hmph!] "You certainly have a strange way of showing your
appreciation to me." 

Chaos: "Appreciation?! With the distance you got when I punted you,
you should be in Cephiro by now! And furthermore, I...I...I can't
believe I'm arguing with something that spends most of its time in
a hamster wheel." 

Gerbil: [taking out a miniature business card] "Here. This will
prove my credentials to you." 

Chaos: [reading the card] "'Tamagoyaki's Agency of Love and
Justice. Producer of fine upstanding magical girls since...Creamy
Mami'?! What the hell is this?!" 

Tamagoyaki: "A business card, but that's not important right now."

Chaos: "Wait a minute: Tamagoyaki? Um...you do realize 'tamagoyaki'
is Japanese for 'omelette'."

Tamagoyaki: "And your point is?" 

Chaos: [ack!] "But...Omelette? Omelette?!"

Tamagoyaki: "Look, Chaos--can I call you Chaos?" 

Chaos: --;; "Whatever. This fic is rated PG, so I don't think I can
get away with calling you the names I'm thinking of right now." 

Tamagoyaki: "Look, the Earth is in danger and we need your help.
According to our Magical Girl Instrumentality Project--"

Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "WHAT?"

Tamagoyaki: "--you are the 1st Girl we're looking for to protect
this planet." 

Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "You're a talent scout?" 

Tamagoyaki: "No, I'm the frighteningly kawaii talking mascot who's
contractually obligated to accompany you on all your adventures.
It's the law." 

Chaos: --;; [massaging his forehead] "I swear I'm getting punished
for all those 'Chibiusa is a big, fat Yamhead' jokes I ever made.
(o.O;) Waaaait a minute! You said I'm a candidate for being a
magical girl?" 

Tamagoyaki: "No, I said you *are* a magical girl." 


     Snapping out of rapid dialogue mode for a moment, I blinked a
few times in stunned surprise, gawking at the snappily dressed
rodent. Now perhaps others would have jumped at the chance to
become a magical girl and wear cute little skirts...provided they
were not of the male gender, such as I was. Needless to say, a guy
being asked to be a Magical Girl would indeed have it's
little...problems. 
     Fanservice requests would plummet, to be sure. 


Chaos: o.O "I'm a what?" 

Tamagoyaki: [sigh!] "Yare yare, how many times must I go over this?
Most of the ones we select are a little clueless, but never
anything like this. As I said before, Magical Girl Instrumentality
has shown you are the 1st Girl." 

Chaos: [ripping off his shirt] "Oh yeah? Does a magical girl have
chest hair?!" 

Tamagoyaki: "I see no visible hair on your chest at all." 

     [Cue the facefault!] 

Chaos: [grrrr!] "I. AM. A. GUY!!!!!" 

Tamagoyaki: o.O;;; "No kidding." 

Chaos: [irate li'l Super-deformed mode] "YES!! I am male twenty
fours a day, seven days a week! And on holidays and long weekends
too!" 

Tamagoyaki: [consulting his notes] "Magical Girl Instrumentality
never said anything about this." 


     And so for the next few hours I tried to reason with my
uberkawaii talking gerbil for a mascot. Unfortunately, agents of
love and justice are surprisingly hard to come by these days.
Everyone's out to merchandise their faces on products (such as the
Sailormoon tissues, or a Nurse Angel Ririka Inter-Continental
Ballistic Missile), and a new genuine magical girl was near
extinct. 
     Hence the Magical Girl Instrumentality Project. 
     And just my luck, I got selected to be the next generation of
Magical Girl. Yes, I too weep for the future. I could have gotten
to pilot a big mobile suit and blown things up, but nooooo! 
     And the gerbil was quite insistent that I fulfil my chosen
duties of love and justice. 
     So I found myself in a bit of a quandary. I could don a
magical girl's outfit complete with pleated skirt, ribbons and bows
going everywhere, and lots of flashy accessories. That, or get into
some incredibly tight bodysuit with a mask that allows for no
facial expressions (yet apparently something I can talk through
with relative ease) and make many strange and nonsensical Power
Ranger arm gestures in an effort to scare away some guy in a rubber
monster suit. 
     As you can imagine, I went with the pleated skirt. 
     In all honesty, I'd just be impressed if no one recognized me
in such an outfit. After all, I have incredibly long and noticeable
turquoise-blue hair (which is natural, I'll have you know; it runs
in the family) which I have crafted into distinguishable spikes
sticking out at least 2 feet in every direction. 
     And it's really silky smooth, because I use at least two
conditioners when I shower every morning...but that's not important
right now. 
     Suddenly I realized the ultimate reason as to how my identity
as a Magical Girl would remain a secret, despite my obvious
physical appearance: how would you react if you saw a guy dressed
as a heroine of love and justice? 
     Exactly! 
     You'd look away and keep chanting, "I saw nothing." 
     So that marks my first traumatizing encounter-- 


Tamagoyaki: [ahem!] "Magical girls never supposed to be sarcastic.
They're to be bubbly, vivacious and likable young ladies. It's in
the Handbook--and I suggest you study it." 

Chaos: "Ha! What are you going to do, furball? Nibble on my
shoelaces if I don't cooperate?" 

     [Cue Tamagoyaki the gerbil pulling out an enormous Particle
Cannon!] 

Chaos: o.O;; "My...what a large and shiny gun barrel you have." 

Tamagoyaki: ^-^ "We mascots have been renegotiating our contract.
This is one of the new bonuses we get." 



     [Cue the eyecatch!] 





          Next time on When Magical Girls Go Wrong: 

          how to identify the poor schmuck who's
          going to get some aspect of their pure & 
          innocent personality sucked out of them 
          by a stupidly-dressed youma!






A NOTE (other than C#) FROM THE AUTHOR:

     Greetings!
     His lordship Chaos here.
     Truth be known, this was originally a part of my "Philosophies
in a Teacup" rant on the Anime on DVD webpage (www.animeondvd.com).
But after some urging from my fans, and a blatant desire to further
inflate my ego to Godzilla-sized proportions and let it merrily
tapdance across some miniature version of Tokyo's skyline, I
decided to give this mini-series a slight nip, tuck and a few
genetic mutations here or there. The result was a rant tailored for
the ASMR.
     All the magical girls portrayed within are copyright of their
respective owners, artists, name brands, ipso facto, carpe diem,
Elvis has left the fanfic, offer void in Nebraska or any city
ending with the letter Y. Why? Just because I feel like doing that,
being the capricious author I am!
     MWAH HAH HA HA HAH HAH HA HA HA!!!!


                         -His lordship Chaos
                              hislordshipchaos@hotmail.com
                              carnage.fanfic.org