When Magical Girls Go Wrong (ASMR Edition), Part II
Rated PG


     A metallic wrench in his hands, Jedite happily skipped down
the dark and dank corridors of the Dark Kingdom's secret cave.
Having been finally defrosted from Beryl's big block of ice (and
dried himself off with many large fluffy towels stolen from the
nearest Ritz hotel), this general had decided to serve his new
master even better.
     An order had been given for him to follow, and he was proud to
say that this time he wasn't about to screw it up! Jedite walked
into the throne room, where the dark lord of the fic sat upon a
large throne.
     His master abruptly paused and looked down at the tool in
Jedite's hands.

His lordship Chaos: "No you fool! I said the wench! Bring me the
crescent WENCH! I want Serenity!"

Haruka: [eyebrow twitch!] "The...crescent wench?"

Michiru: "You know, that was a really atrocious Sailormoon pun."

His lordship Chaos: "Well, you have to take the good with the bad.
It's all or nothing; Lock, Stock & Beryl!"

     [Cue the facefaults!]

His lordship Chaos: ^-^v "They look so cute when they do that."




                    WHEN MAGICAL GIRLS GO WRONG

        Part III: Dressing Up For A Blind Date With Destiny


     Greetings! 
     Chaos here, just an all-around average teenager living an all-
around average life in Tokyo. Not much happens here, save for the
weekly megalomaniac trying to dominate the world from within some
big mecha...or the demon/alien invasion that is tentatively penned
in for sometime next Tuesday around lunch. 
     But I'm digressing. 
     My life was ordinary until a few days ago, when a talking
gerbil in a tutu attacked me. And so now I'm supposed to be some
magical girl fighting evil in the name of love and justice...which
of course will be impressive considering that I'M A GUY!!! 


Tamagoyaki: [now dressed in a high school boy's uniform] "You
needn't get irate about that. Magical Girl Instrumentality chose
you as the new heroine to fight evil. It's a big honour, really." 
Chaos: [grrrr!] "And just what makes you think I'm going to
publicly prance around in a miniskirt, you talking rodent?" 

Tamagoyaki: ^-^ "I bought matching pumps for your costume
yesterday!" 

     [Chaos facefaults!] 

Tamagoyaki: o.O [looking down at the floor] "Or should I have just
gone with the stilettos?" 

Chaos: --;; "Look at what life has been reduced to! I'm
contemplating skirt and blouse combinations with a gerbil named
Omelette!!" 

Tamagoyaki: [indignant sniff!] "My mother, Souffl‚, gave me that
name. And I'll thank you not to mock it." 

     [Chaos facefaults yet again!] 

Chaos: [twitch twitch!] "S-Souffl‚?!" 

Tamagoyaki: "I'll have you know that I come from a long and proud
line of magical girl mascots. We have an integrity to keep here." 
Chaos: [hmph!] "Go let a Pikachu choke on you. I'm leaving this
place right now." 

Tamagoyaki: "But we haven't finished your wardrobe selection yet!" 

Chaos: "WE'RE IN THE LADIES SECTION OF A MAGICAL GIRLS STORE!!!" 


     Yes indeed, this was the season of my humiliation, and the
embarrassment was in full bloom. Not long after I had been
"convinced" into going along with this Magical Girl Instrumentality
Project (that gerbil still has his particle cannon aimed at me. If
you're reading this, call the AD Police!), Tamagoyaki had brought
me to "Crazy Hino's Miracle House of Hosiery." 
     You ever wonder what Rei (otherwise known as Sailor Mars) did
in her spare time? Well unfortunately for me, I know now. The only
reason I had wandered into the store was because a really cute idol
girl had gone inside.
     Unfortunately she turned out to be Fancy LaLa, who then
reverted from being 17 back into her 10 year-old self. 
     No date there.
     I was devastated. 
     Not to mention being given really funny looks by everyone else
in the store when I started checking out ribbons and flashy
accessories. Tamagoyaki helped me drown further into my psychosis
by pointing out the various magical girls shopping in the store,
and giving me their histories. 
     By a stroke of luck though, the incessantly yakking gerbil
only got halfway through his spiel of how Card Captor Sakura was
the only magical girl to have a Gold Express credit card (because
she buys a new costume for each transformation). Right then St.
Tails' little hedgehog-thingy of a mascot, Ruby-chan, popped up. 
     Evidently mascots don't get along; territoriality or something
I'd have learned about had I actually watched National Geographic
last night. Anyways, Tamagoyaki and Ruby-chan started hissing at
each other before leaping into a vicious fight. 
     Tamagoyaki lost when St. Tail showed up and bopped him on the
head with her transformation wand. I promised the dejected mascot
that we'd shave Ruby-chan bald the first chance we got. 
     On the downside, the mascot melee had resulted in everyone's
unwanted attention being focused on me. Before I knew it, magical
girls were swarming all around me. I was flailing in a sickeningly
uberkawaii pile of skirts and ruffles and ribbons and wands...well,
I would have had these girls actually been around my age and
height. At the very least they were up to my chest. 


Pretty Sammy: "Call security! There's a guy in the Magical Girls
store!" 

Chaos: [protesting] "It's not like I want to be in here, okay?!" 

Creamy Mami: [shaking her head] "Well you must have come in here
for a reason." 

Magical Sally: "He'll discover our secret identities at this rate!" 

Chaos: "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CARE ABOUT THAT?!" 

Angel Daisy: "You're not one of those perverts who likes to collect
girls' school uniforms, are you?" 

Chaos: [irate demonic head mode!] "NO!!" 

Sailor Mercury: "You don't think he's...one of us?" 

Magical girls: o.O;;; "......" 

Chaos: [smacking his forehead] "Somebody's gonna pay for this, yes
they will." 

Galaxy Fraulein Yuna: "A male magical girl? But what kind of a
heroine for love and justice is that?" 

Nurse Angel Ririka: "Maybe we should call an expert. Seiya!" 

Sailor Star Fighter: [walking in from the hairstyling department]
"What is it?" 

Ririka: [pointing to Chaos] "I think you're more qualified to
handle this. You're the expert on gender-bending magical girls." 

Chaos: --;; "I swear I am going to turn that gerbil into a pair of
slippers when I find out where he's escaped to." 


     No doubt betting this was retribution for all those "icky
transsexual Senshi wanna-be" jokes I had made about the Starlights,
I suffered quietly as Sailor Star Fighter went about getting my
costume assembled. There was the obvious question as to my gender
after the transformation. To be honest, I had no idea if I'd do a
Jusenkyo curse thing and go female when hit by cold water...or play
up the stereotype that 25% of the male Anime population enjoys
cross-dressing. 
     The only one who knew the answer was the gerbil. 
     I glared at Tamagoyaki as he finally decided to show up after
abandoning me to the horde of other magical girls. Upon my
demanding where he had been, the gerbil merely gave an evil grin
and produced an electric razor. 


St. Tail: [from across the store] "KYAAAAA!!! Okay, who shaved my
kawaii Ruby-chan bald?!" 


     Well, I at least had to give the gerbil credit for that one.
In the end we withheld the gender-bending thing; Fighter quietly
told us that the neverending rumours were just not worth the fame. 
     So that just left me to become Sailor Dragqueen. 
     I was not impressed, though both Seiya and Tamagoyaki promised
to make me look as female as possible after I transformed. 


Sailor Star Fighter: "Obviously curvaceous battle armour, hot pants
and bikini tops are out. The hair needs to be longer, though; we
might have to go for a wig." 

Tamagoyaki: "Let's stick with the usual magical girl leotard. We
can just pack his chest with Kleenexes or something." 

Chaos: --;; "......" 

Sailor Star Fighter: "At least you've got nice, supple legs." 

Chaos: "Hey, watch where your hands are, buddy!" 

Tamagoyaki: "No short skirts. The closer it goes to his knees the
better. We'll keep the outfit sleeveless--but you're going to have
to shave your armpits every night." 

Chaos: o.O "WHAT?!" 

Sailor Star Fighter: "Quit squirming. Another few bowties and we
should be done the basic design. After that, you'll have to visit
Card Captor Sakura for extra accessories." 


     It took another five hours for everything to get finalized. 
     Surprisingly enough there's a lot of "should you get killed
we're not responsible for resurrecting you" forms to sign. And then
there was make-up and hair styling. And then I had to choose my
preference of transformation wand. 
     I wanted to hit the Weaponry department, but Tamagoyaki said
I needed to practice transforming at home first. Like piano lessons
from hell, I guess. Besides, Sailor Uranus told us there was a 7-
day waiting period for any magical weapon. 
     And so that was how I spent my day: humiliating myself. 
     I wasn't exactly thrilled in walking home with a bag obviously
from a magical girls clothing store in my hands. I was even less
thrilled in having to wear my wig. So much for showing off my
luxurious and silky smooth, turquoise-blue hair. 


Tamagoyaki: ^-^ "Now that we have your costume tailored, all that
we need to do is introduce you to your nemesis. Every magical girl
has one." 

Chaos: "So who gets to be mine?" 

Tamagoyaki: [consulting a reference guide] "Um...according to this,
Tokyo is currently being threatened by an evil overlord named Dark
Schnitzel." 

Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "What is with everyone in this fic being named
after food? If he's got two female accomplices named Peanut Butter
and Jelly, I'm going to very upset." 

Tamagoyaki: [???] "How'd you know their names?" 

Chaos: [turning around] "That's it! I'm leaving." 

Tamagoyaki: "Calm down. You should only panic when Dark Schnitzel
arrives here in Tokyo. When that happens, no one will be safe." 

Chaos: "You know, I've been stuck as a magical girl for a while so
I think it's safe for me to ask this: just why are all the villains
inexplicably drawn to attack Tokyo? Why not conquer someplace like
Australia first?" 

Tamagoyaki: [shrug!] "It's the whole Tokyo Tower thing. When the
first magical girl was created, they built the tower to act as a
lightening rod for evil. Villains are drawn to the city like a moth
to a light bulb." 

Chaos: [sigh!] "Makes sense." 


     My next question was how long I had to wait until I'd be
forced to dress up in the outfit, and parade around masquerading as
a girl. The gerbil told me that it depended on Dark Schnitzel
striking first. Turns out this evil overlord was searching for the
hearts of innocent people, and then transformed their lunches into
strange creatures who would extract said innocent hearts. 
     I didn't press the matter. 
     So as it turned out, I wouldn't have to go on a crusade to
find some hapless idiot with a pure heart/happy dream/lovely
face/whatever. These kinds of people automatically seek out magical
girls; it's like having a literal magnetic personality. 
     Magical girls are lazy this way. 


     [Cue the eyecatch!] 




          Next time on When Magical Girls Go Wrong: 

          how to be the master of your transformation
          sequence...and not get caught up in all those 
          sparkly ribbons that fly around your body!









A WORD FROM THE AUTHOR:


His lordship Chaos: o.O [tied to a stake atop a pile of kindling]
"And the word is: HELP!!"

Haruka: "Stop squirming, dammit. How are we supposed you burn you
as a Sailormoon heretic if you keep trying to avoid the gasoline?"

His lordship Chaos: "Look, if this was Miss Galaxia's foot-
stomping, toe-tapping, soul-jiving, tub-thumping, torch-lighting
house of heretics, I'd have no problem. But this seems a little
severe, even for you Outer Senshi."

Setsuna: "It's all because you persist in dragging down the good
name of all magical girls into your twisted fantasies."

His lordship Chaos: --;; "Oh whine whine whine! What about *my*
ego's needs?!"

Hotaru: ^-^ "Michiru-momma, I brought the marshmallows!"

Michiru: ^^;; [pat pat!] "Very good, Hime-chan."

Setsuna: [raising the torch] "Any last epitaphs you want to leave?"

His lordship Chaos: "As a matter of fact, yes I do. All the magical
girls portrayed within are copyright of their respective owners,
artists and distributors."

Hotaru: ^-^ "And don't go makin' no bootleg fics of this either!"

Michiru: [slowly turning to her partner] "And I wonder just where
our Hime-chan learned how to talk like that?"

Haruka: [sweatdrop!] "Um...Sean Gaffney?"



                         -His lordship Chaos.
                              hislordshipchaos@hotmail.com
                              carnage.fanfic.org