When Magical Girls Go Wrong (ASMR Edition), Part IV
Rated PG


     The future.
     Crystal Tokyo be thy name.
     The queen and her court of Inner Senshi were silently awaiting
the prisoner to be escorted into their throne room. The tension
could be felt--along with everyone's displeasure. Then the queen
stood, the tresses of her long white dress flowing all around her.
Her blue eyes were narrowed as she loudly addressed those present.


Neo Queen Serenity: "Okay, this turkey has gone on long enough.
It's about time I stepped in and intervened. Who's responsible for
this absurd fanfic?"

     [Cue the Outer Senshi hauling a certain author into the throne
room!]

His lordship Chaos: ^-^v "The name's Chaos. His lordship Chaos."

Setsuna: --;; "Seek help. Professional help."

His lordship Chaos: "Didn't you read the last disclaimer?"

Michiru: [aside to Haruka] "This could very well be the stupidest
author on the face of the planet."

Haruka: [nodding] "Maybe we should rip out his Starseed."

His lordship Chaos: ^^ "I'll get the marshmallows!"

     [The author abruptly gets stomped on by the two Outer Senshi!]

Haruka & Michiru: "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ENJOYING THE
INTERROGATION, YOU MORON!!"

His lordship Chaos: [twitch twitch!] "Well I'm certainly not now."

Hotaru: "You lead an interesting double life outside our universe,
don't you?"



                    WHEN MAGICAL GIRLS GO WRONG


                 Part V: Chaos' Fight To The Finish!
                       Love & Justice Wins All!


Chaos: --;; "Yeah, right. Just what kind of a moron comes up with
such sappy episode titles anyways?!" 

Tamagoyaki: [dressed up as an SD Gundam-chan] "I don't think we
should be debating that right now, Chaos! The Sandoitchi youma's
still after us!" 

Sandoitchi-chan: [pose!] "Rye!" 

Chaos: o.O;; "KYAAAAAAAAA!!! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!!" 


     Yep, as you can see, the last eyecatch didn't exactly leave
your hero...heroine...what the hell am I supposed to be right now?! 
     But I'm ranting here. 
     So it appeared that the talking rodent and myself were in a
bit of a pinch. A demon-possessed club sandwich was trying to
savagely rip out my pure heart, and to stop this from happening I
had to dress up in a skirt and follow the instructions of a talking
gerbil for a mascot. 
     The only silver lining in this cloud happened to be seeing the
still scantily-clad Peanut Butter and Jelly cackle at my 
predicament...and subsequently demonstrate a solid 8.0 measure on
the bosom bounce-o-meter. 
     Unfortunately, they suffered from an incurable villainous
underling syndrome: 


Peanut Butter: "Now then, even though we don't have your pure heart
just yet--" 

Jelly: "We're sure that Sandoitchi-chan--" 

Both: "Can steal it from you all by himself. Bye-bye!" 

Chaos: [???] "They're leaving?" 

Tamagoyaki: [sigh!] "Evil underling contracts; they always leave
early, and let us kick the hopelessly inept monster o' the day's
ass in privacy." 

Chaos: [chasing after the twins] "Wait! I haven't gotten your phone
numbers yet!" 

     [Exit the twins!] 

Tamagoyaki: "Chaos, you moron! They've already disappeared! Stop
running or you'll hit that--ewww...never mind." 

Chaos: @.@ "Ow." 

Sandoitchi-chan: [quickly taking Chaos' pulse] "Raisin bread!" 

Tamagoyaki: [punting the youma across the park] "Get off my magical
girl!" 


     And with the threat to Earth momentarily taking a dip in the
local fountain, my furry rodent for a mascot took great care in
reviving me. However I don't think he had to shave his name in the
back of my head. 


Chaos: --;; "......" 

Tamagoyaki: ^-^ [with razor!] "Think of this as added incentive for
you to wear your wig more often." 

Chaos: [grrrr!] "I only wear the wig when I transform into this
stupid magical girl get-up in the first place!!" 

Tamagoyaki: "Aw, but you look so cute with long blonde hair!" 

Chaos: "Okay, that's it! I'm feeding you to the first python I can
find." 

     [Suddenly the gerbil pulls out a Beam Sabre!] 

Chaos: o.O;; 

Tamagoyaki: "You can try, but you'd better ask yourself one
question: do I feel lucky? Well do ya...fanboy?" 


     It appeared that this fic was going downhill at the rate of an
avalanche of love and justice. The Club Sandwich youma decided to
suddenly show up again (though slightly soggy) and proceeded to
viciously attack us. 
     Yes indeed, it was absolutely terrifying to find ourselves at
the mercy of acidic mayonnaise, and razor-sharp slices of tomatoes.
Mainly because someone evidently had to think up such deranged
sandwich-themed attacks in the first place. 
     Yet I wasn't the star of my high school track team for
nothing! 
     I dodged the mayonnaise and the tomatoes--only to get swatted
by the youma's lettuce whip. However it turns out gerbils really
have a thing for lettuce; Tamagoyaki ate the whip in about five
seconds. 


Tamagoyaki: [plump li'l mascot] "BUUUUURRRRRPPPP!!! Ah, delicious!" 

Chaos: "I...I'm amazed. You actually do serve a purpose in these
rants other than to antagonize me." 

Tamagoyaki: "If I let you get killed, I'm unemployed." 

Chaos: -;; "I knew it was too good to be true." 

Sandoitchi-chan: [chaaaarge!] "Enriched white!" 

     [Cue the turkey meat projectile darts!] 

Chaos: o.O;; "Kyaaaaa!!! I could use a little help here!" 

Tamagoyaki: "Quick! Use your magical girl weapon: the enchanted
rocket launcher of love!" 

Chaos: >) "I'm starting to like this magical girl thing." 


     Now don't ask me how I managed to hide something as absurdly
oversized as a rocket launcher somewhere in my leotard. But I
pulled that lovingly destructive weapon of love and justice out
from behind my back, and aimed it directly at the youma. 


Sandoitchi-chan: o.O [blink blink!] "Cheesebread?" 

Chaos: [heh heh] "Toasted or non, Mister Demonic Sandwich?" 

Tamagoyaki: "Waaaaaiiiit!!!" 

     [Chaos facefaults!] 

Chaos: "Now what?!" 

Tamagoyaki: "You can't just leisurely pull out your magical weapon
and blow away the villain! It's against your Magical Girl
Instrumentality contract." 

Chaos: --;; "You do realize you're ruining the only big moment in
this entire fic where I get to redeem myself for all the cross-
dressing." 

Tamagoyaki: ^^ "Hai! Now then, we've got too much open air at the
end of this part, so you have to take an extra long time to spin
your rocket launcher around in a graceful and magical fashion. Then
you freeze, posing for the audience--and only then do you get to
fire the missile of love and justice!" 

Sandoitchi: [chaaaaaarge!] "Multi-grain!" 

Chaos: "Hold it, you possessed packet of luncheon meats. Can't you
see we're in a meeting here?!" 

Sandoitchi: [blink blink!] "French loaf?" 


     As it turned out, I could be attacked by a pack of ravenous
lawyers if I didn't fulfil all my contractual obligations for being
a magical girl. So grudgingly I started to do the ballerina thing
and twirled the rocket launcher over my head as I pranced around. 


     *CRUNCH!* 

Chaos: >.<  "OW!" 

Tamagoyaki: [sigh!] "Oh, stop your twitching. I'm sure it's just a
mild concussion you've got." 


     Anyhoo, I did the final dance steps and made a dramatic pose.
To add to the effect, Tamagoyaki yanked on a pan-dimensional rope
dangling next to his head, and a backdrop featuring a bunch of sumo
wrestlers doing practice exercises was unrolled behind me. 


Chaos: "And just what does sumo wrestling have to do with Magical
Girls?!" 

Tamagoyaki: ^-^ "Nothing. I've just always wanted to use this
backdrop." 

Chaos: [grrrr!] "Why you little...!" 

Sandoitchi-chan: "Poppyseed!" 

Tamagoyaki: "Now shout out the magical spell to activate the
enchanted rocket launcher of love!" 

Chaos: "I don't have to shout anything! I can just pull the damn 
trigger!" 

Tamagoyaki: [pulling out the Galaxy Gun] "SAY IT." 

Chaos: o.O;; "Okay." 


     And so for the sake of the Earth's safety, in the name of love
and justice, and just thrilled to no end to be allowed to play with
large incendiary devices, I picked up that magical rocket launcher
and let the Club Sandwich youma have it. 


Chaos: "DELICATE KISS TO ALL YOUMA WITH A BIG FLAMING MISSILE OF
DEATH ATTACK!!" 


     With a special effects extravaganza that no doubt bankrupted
the entire annual budget of the ASMR webpage (much to Andrea-sama's
horror, I'm sure ^^), the Club Sandwich youma was colourfully
annihilated in a massive explosion of flames, flying debris and
kawaii little floating hearts. 
     But right before he was vaporized, Sandoitchi-chan managed to
cry out his final epitaph: "Cheque please!" 


Chaos: [sigh!] "Yes! Finally, it's over, and I don't ever have to
worry about cross-dressing again!" 

Tamagoyaki: "Um, Chaos? That was only the first battle." 

Chaos: [very unimpressed] "WHAT?" 

Tamagoyaki: "You may have defeated Sandoitchi-chan, but Peanut
Butter and Jelly got away. Not to mention we haven't even seen Dark
Schnitzel yet." 

     [Chaos facefaults!] 

Chaos: [twitch twitch!] "You mean I have to do a sequel now?!" 

Tamagoyaki: "You should have read your Magical Girl contract
better. 'When Magical Girls Go Wrong R' is certain to be lurking
just around the corner. And we'll have to practice really hard to
outdo this first season of fics. Ne?" 

Chaos: [irate li'l SD magical girl mode!] "GET YOUR FURRY LITTLE
ASS OVER HERE SO I CAN KICK IT, YOU TALKING RODENT!!" 

Tamagoyaki: >p  [nyah nyah!] "You have to catch me first!" 


     Yes, danger had been averted and the Earth was saved...for
now. 
     But now if we may switch gears (but certainly not cogs, since
that's illegal), we suddenly jump to the obligatory "I'll get you
next time" villain scene! 


     [Cue the dark and murky underground throne room!] 

Dark Schnitzel: "Peanut Butter...Jelly...where is my pure heart?" 
Peanut Butter: [bowing] "I'm sorry, Sir, but it would appear that
this planet has managed to sign someone on to be its guardian
magical girl." 

Dark Schnitzel: "A Magical Girl on Earth?! And I'll bet she's got
some annoyingly kawaii mascot with her too." 

Jelly: "But that's not all, Sir! This magical girl is...well...is
not really a girl." 

Dark Schnitzel: [eyebrow twitch!] "Cross-dressers?" 

Peanut Butter & Jelly: "Hai!"

Dark Schnitzel: "Hmmm...it would appear I underestimated the
Magical Girl Instrumentality Project. You two can take five in the
jacuzzi for the obligatory bathhouse and fanservice scene. I must
be left alone to ponder this new development." 

Peanut Butter & Jelly: ^-^ [nekkid flashes for everyone!] "Hai, 
Schnitzel-sama!" 

     [The twins slowly walk out of the throne room.] 

Dark Schnitzel: [to himself] "Well then, my little Magical Cross-
dresser, you may have won this battle. But I'll have the last laugh
when I conquer Earth! MWAH HA HAH HA HAH HAH HA H--haaaack!
*sniffle!* Stupid allergies." 

Peanut Butter: [aside to Jelly] "I keep telling him to dust this
place once a week, but does he ever listen?" 

Jelly: [nod!] "And he should really put in a few skylights too.
This room is so devoid of sunshine, it's depressing." 

Dark Schnitzel: "I heard that!" 

Peanut Butter & Jelly: o.O [erk!] "......" 

Dark Schnitzel: "I do not tolerate insubordinate underlings--even
if they are really cute and underdressed. As punishment, you two
must take a bath in the jacuzzi...with your swimsuits on!" 

Peanut Butter & Jelly: "Awwww, but Schnitzel-sama!" 

Dark Schnitzel: [talk to the overlord's hand] "You can give the
male readers fanservice later--when you get me a pure heart." 

Peanut Butter & Jelly: ;_; "Hai...." 



                    [End...or is it?]








PHILOSOPHIC THOUGHT O' THE FIC:

     If a tree falls in the forest, and Sailor Saturn used Death
Reborn Revolution on it, would there be any survivors left to
notice?



Haruka: "Finally! I thought that turkey would never end!"

Michiru: "This certainly has been a most trying fanfic, even for
me."

His lordship Chaos: ^-^v "And the best part is: there might be a
sequel!"

Haruka & Michiru: [thumping the author with their Talismans] "NA
NI?!"

His lordship Chaos: --;; "You never let me have any fun."

Hotaru: "And for good reason too."

His lordship Chaos: "But my PBJ twins have gotten rave reviews! And
if it's one thing this series needs, it's more fanservice! Bring me
my nekkid flashes!"

Setsuna: [sigh!] "Okay, that's it. We tried to be nice."

     [The three eldest of the Outer Senshi suddenly grab the ends
of their sailor fukus and rip them off...only to reveal the black
leather of their dominatrix gear underneath!]

Red Queen Setsuna: [giving a sturdy yank on her garnet whip] "It's
time for you to be punished for mocking the magical girl genre,
buddy."

His lordship Chaos: ^-^ "Hotcha! Spank me, Michi-baby! I've been a
bad little author today!"

Red Queen Haruka: [pulling out her Space Sword] "Who said we were
just going to stop there?"

His lordship Chaos: o.O;; "I sense immanent pain."

     [Cue the gratuitous author-whipping session, as a frantic li'l
His lordship Chaos races around the fic trying to escape the flying
whips from the Red Queen Outer Senshi!!]

His lordship Chaos: [must go faster] "Can't we talk about this?!"

Dominatrix Michiru: "Call me the Queen, you petty excuse for an
author!"

His lordship Chaos: o.O; "KYAAAAAAAAAAA!!! All the magical girls
portrayed herein belong to their respective owners, creators and
distributors!!"

Red Queen Haruka: [cue the whip!] "That's not the Japanese word for
'queen'!"

His lordship Chaos: o.O; "JO'O-SAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"

Hotaru: [sigh!] "I suppose this is as good an ending as we're ever
going to get from that guy. However, Sailor Dragqueen, Tamagoyaki,
Dark Schnitzel, the Sandoitchi youma and the PBJ twins are all His
lordship Chaos' own creations. Should you use them without his
permission--"

     [Hotaru pauses to look back at the author & dominatrix-geared
Outers.]

Red Queen Setsuna: [whipping Chaos] "WOH HO HOH HOH OHO HO!! Now
this is my kinda fic! Worship me, fanboy!"

His lordship Chaos: [frantically bowing down] "Curse my cute yet
smackable ass!"

Hotaru: --;; "--I can only fear of what he'll do in retaliation.
Either way, I suggest you ask him first."


























     What?
     You're still here?
     The fanfic's over. Go home!


                         -His lordship Chaos.
                              hislordshipchaos@hotmail.com
                              carnage.fanfic.org