When Magical Girls Go Wrong R, part 1 Rated PG It was another eventful day at the beach for the Outer Senshi. Haruka and Michiru were in a pleasant mood as they reclined together beneath the shadow cast by an immense beach umbrella, still slightly damp from their playful swim in the ocean. Hotaru was still splashing around in the waves for that matter. Haruka glanced over her shoulder, momentarily appraising Setsuna. The guardian of time was lying stomach-down upon a beach towel, pillowing her head on her arms, her hair deliberately moved off her back. "What are you doing?" Haruka asked. Dreamily answered Setsuna, "I'm trying to get a tan." Haruka sweatdropped as she surveyed the already dark complexion of her friend. "Ano...." But their reverie was broken as the Outers heard two ominous notes from a cello: DUH DUM. "Isn't that the theme to Jaws?" Michiru remarked, looking around the beach. But no one else really seemed to notice the music. DUH DUM. Haruka nodded, just as curious as her lover. "I think so. But why on earth would we be hearing it now?" DUUUUUUUUUH DUM. Suddenly both their eyes widened as they looked out to the water, and saw Hotaru frolicking neck-deep in the water, oblivious to the growing danger. DUUUH DUM DUUUUH DUM! Michiru: [sitting up] "Masaka!" Haruka: o.O; "Oh no! Hime-chan, run! It's coming right for you!!" Hotaru: [turning around] "What?" DUMDUMDUMDUM!!!! [His lordship Chaos suddenly floats by on an inflatable raft, intently playing a cello!] His lordship Chaos: ^-^ [dumdumdum!] "Just when you thought it was safe to put on a fuku...." [Cue the Outer Senshi facevaulting!] WHEN MAGICAL GIRLS GO WRONG R!!! Part 1: The Obligatory Recap Segment Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "You mean I've got to get back into the mini- skirt again?! Was my humiliation that popular with the otaku? Are they all sadists?!" Tamagoyaki: [leafing through the Nielsen ratings] "Oh, the acclaims for your embarrassment went through the roof! And I made it onto the cover of Timegate Magazine." [Tamagoyaki hands Chaos a magazine.] Chaos: [reading the cover] "Mascot of the year? And just how many judges did you have to threaten in order to get that prize?" Tamagoyaki: [feigning hurt] "Why, Chaos, I'm shocked and appalled that you would even suggest that. Would I do I thing like that?" Chaos: "I suppose you're right. You're more likely to 'remove' all the other nominees beforehand, leaving you the only contestant left." Tamagoyaki: ^^v "Now THAT'S me! But all in all, 'When Magical Girls Go Wrong' was a smash hit on the ASMR. Well...almost. Some ridiculous story called 'Senshi Muyo!' beat us in the primetime slot during sweeps week." Chaos: "An SM/Tenchi Muyo crossover? What stupid hack came up with that idea?" [An enormous Luna-ohki spaceship, piloted by the author, flies on by through the background!] Chaos: "So now what?" Tamagoyaki: "Why, it's time for the obligatory recap segment!" Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Um...recap segment?" Tamagoyaki: [dressing up like Vash the Stampede] "Well, whenever a TV writer can't think of anything good for an episode plot, they make some stupid flashback show which reuses a lot of old clips from reruns. No new thought is required, and the job's practically done from the beginning. It's a no-brainer!" Chaos: --;; "I can't believe our author's such a lazy ass that he's recycling text and pretending that it's all new." Tamagoyaki: ^^v "Believe it!" Chaos: "And what's with that 'R' in our title?" Tamagoyaki: "Oh, you know Anime. Whenever a show gets a second season, they tack something on the end to distinguish it from the original season. So you get shows like Orphen Revenge, Slayers Try, Gundam Wing, X and Zeta, and Dragonbarf Z." Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Don't you mean 'Dragonball'?" Tamagoyaki: "If I had meant Dragonball, I would have said--" Chaos: [groan!] "I get the idea! Great, now we're going to have all the DBZ otaku after us too. Way to go, rodent." Tamagoyaki: "Hey, I'm the kawaii obligatory mascot here. I've got total immunity. You're the one who gets his ass pounded." Chaos: ;_; "But my ass is too cute to be pounded. It has a 'No pounding' policy in effect." Tamagoyaki: "How about spanked?" Chaos: "Ecchi." Tamagoyaki: "That's like the pot calling the kettle black. When you read my business card, you thought Creamy Mami was a hentai." Chaos: [sigh!] "The biggest disappointment of my life. With the word 'creamy' in the title I was expecting a lemony story, and all I got was an idol girl's show!" Tamagoyaki: "You think you were disappointed. What about me? The 1st Girl is found, only she's a guy. Think about how you ruined my chances to get a lot of gratuitous fanservice here." Chaos: [deadpan] "My heart goes out for you. So...what does the R in 'When Magical Girls Go Wrong R' stand for?" Tamagoyaki: ^^v "Ridiculous!" [Cue the facevault!] Chaos: --;; "I saw that coming a mile away, and yet I was powerless to stop it from mowing me down." Tamagoyaki: "Crybaby. What are you whining about now?" Chaos: [irate li'l otaku!] "I am not going to crossdress for a second fic, okay?" Tamagoyaki: "Afraid your legs aren't supple and firm enough to be shown in public?" Chaos: [turning to leave] "I don't have to take this abuse." Tamagoyaki: "Neither do we. If you're going to show your legs in this fic, make sure to shave them first!" [Chaos facevaults yet again!] Tamagoyaki: ^^v "He's so cute when he does that." Chaos: >.< "I knew that crossdressing thing would come back to haunt me!" Tamagoyaki: "Well you could have done a Starlight transsexual gender-bending thing." Chaos: "That's even worse!" [Cue Seiya stomping into the fic!] Seiya: [grrrr!] "You have a problem with my transformation, buddy?" Chaos: o.O;; "Ano...." Tamagoyaki: "Well, Mister Radiant Negativity, do you have any better ideas on how to work with the sequel?" Chaos: ^-^ "Hai! I can be...SAILOR SCOTSMAN!!" [With a quick costume change, Chaos is now decked out in a sailor-styled cardigan and pleated kilt, armed with his bagpipes of love and justice!] Chaos: ^^v "Cause ya gotta be a real Senshi to wear a kilt." [Tamagoyaki suddenly pulls out a 1000t pan-dimensional mallet!] Chaos: o.O Tamagoyaki: "Baka leak!" Tamagoyaki's 1000t hammer: *WHAM!* Chaos: x.x [twitch twitch] "J-Jo'o-samaaaaaaa...." Tamagoyaki: "Hmmmm, perhaps I clobbered him a little too hard. Anyhoo, while the cross-dressing travesty of love and justice here tries to regain consciousness, we might as well insert the filler bit." [Cue the obligatory recap filler segments!!] THE BLIND DATE WITH DESTINY: >Gerbil: ^-^ "Hi! I'm Epsilon van Suisei no Tamagoyaki, the >sixteenth!! But you can call me Bob." > >Chaos: [nodding as if understanding] "Ooooookaaaay...." >Now when confronted by a talking tutu-clad rodent, I did what >any sensible person would have done. I punted his furry ass >straight across the Ginza Ward. > >Gerbil: o.O "This wasn't the reaction I was expectiiiiiiiing!!!" THE OBLIGATORY KAWAII MASCOT: >Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "You're a talent scout?" > >Tamagoyaki: "No, I'm the frighteningly kawaii, talking mascot >who's contractually obligated to accompany you on all your >adventures. It's the law." >Chaos: [reading the card] "'Tamagoyaki's Agency of Love and >Justice. Producer of fine upstanding magical girls >since...Creamy Mami'?! What the hell is this?!" > >Tamagoyaki: "A business card, but that's not important right >now." > >Chaos: "Wait a minute: Tamagoyaki? Um...you do realize >'tamagoyaki' is Japanese for 'omelette'." > >Tamagoyaki: "And your point is?" > >Chaos: [ack!] "But...Omelette? Omelette?!" THE SOURCE OF CHAOS' PSYCHOSIS: >Tamagoyaki: "Look, the Earth is in danger and we need your help. >According to our Magical Girl Instrumentality Project--" > >Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "WHAT?" > >Tamagoyaki: "--you are the 1st Girl we're looking for to protect >this planet." >Chaos: [grrrr!] "I. AM. A. GUY!!!!!" > >Tamagoyaki: o.O;;; "No kidding." > >Chaos: [irate li'l Super-deformed mode] "YES!! I am male twenty >fours a day, seven days a week! And on holidays and long >weekends too!" > >Tamagoyaki: [consulting his notes] "Magical Girl Instrumentality >never said anything about this." THE OBLIGATORY VILLAIN: >Tamagoyaki: [consulting a reference guide] "Um...according to >this, Tokyo is currently being threatened by an evil overlord >named Dark Schnitzel." > >Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "What is with everyone in this fic being >named after food? If he's got two female accomplices named >Peanut Butter and Jelly, I'm going to very upset." > >Tamagoyaki: [???] "How'd you know their names?" > >Chaos: [turning around] "That's it! I'm leaving." >Dark Schnitzel: "A Magical Girl on Earth?! And I'll bet she's >got some annoyingly kawaii mascot with her too." > >Jelly: "But that's not all, Sir! This magical girl is...well... >is not really a girl." > >Dark Schnitzel: [eyebrow twitch!] "Cross-dressers?" THE REAL REASON YOU'RE ALL READING THIS FIC: >Kawaii Bikini-clad Young Lady #1: "I'm Peanut Butter!" > >Kawaii Bikini-clad Young Lady #2: "I'm Jelly!" > >Both: [pointing at Chaos] "And we're here for your pure heart!" > >Chaos: [dazed but contended smile] "Hm? Oh, I'm sorry, I had >kind of tuned out after seeing your bosoms. Were you saying >something?" >Chaos: [aside to Tamagoyaki] "So are they supposed to be wearing >that little clothing?" > >Tamagoyaki: [shrug!] "Contractual obligations. All female >villains are supposed to be scantily-clad. The bouncing cleavage >gets the male population into reading the fic." > >Chaos: ^-^v "Hotcha!" THE EPISODIC--ER, EPIC BATTLE: >Sandoitchi-chan: [chaaaarge!] "Enriched white!" > > [Cue the turkey meat projectile darts!] > >Chaos: o.O;; "Kyaaaaa!!! I could use a little help here!" > >Tamagoyaki: "Quick! Use your magical girl weapon: the enchanted >rocket launcher of love!" > >Chaos: >) "I'm starting to like this magical girl thing." >Chaos: "DELICATE KISS TO ALL YOUMA WITH A BIG FLAMING MISSILE OF >DEATH ATTACK!!" THE PROBLEM: >Peanut Butter: [aside to Jelly] "I keep telling him to dust this >place once a week, but does he ever listen?" > >Jelly: [nod!] "And he should really put in a few skylights too. >This room is so devoid of sunshine, it's depressing." > >Dark Schnitzel: "I heard that!" > >Peanut Butter & Jelly: o.O [erk!] "......" > >Dark Schnitzel: "I do not tolerate insubordinate underlings-- >even if they are really cute and underdressed. As punishment, >you two must take a bath in the jacuzzi...with your swimsuits >on!" [And now that you're all caught up, back to the host segment for this recap episode!] Chaos: --;; [with a cold compress in his head] "I detest you." Tamagoyaki: "It could have been worse. I could have used this on you instead!" [Tamagoyaki pulls out an oversized particle beam cannon!] Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "Just where did you get that anyways?" Tamagoyaki: "Hiiro's Discount Gundam Shack. It's down the block from the Miracle Hosiery store." Chaos: "Why can't I fight evil in a mobile suit, anyways?" Tamagoyaki: "Because that would make you look cool." Chaos: [sniffle!] "I think I'd make a great Newtype." Tamagoyaki: "Might I remind you about contractual obligations. You ARE working on the sequel, and it WILL be in a sailor fuku." Chaos: "So I'm stuck doing this, ne?" Tamagoyaki: "Well, the author couldn't think of any other way to get the PBJ twins and their genki bosoms into the sequel without you being there too." Chaos: ^^ [fanservice ahoy!] "Suddenly a sequel doesn't sound half- bad." Tamagoyaki: "See, it's not so horrible. Besides, you should be taking pride in knowing we've been able to make our fans laugh at you, and create webshrines for me." Chaos: [sulking] "At the expense of my dignity, I might add." Tamagoyaki: "So what are you complaining about?" Chaos: --;; "My pantyhose has a run in it, for starters." Tamagoyaki: o.O;; [Cue the eyecatch!] Next time on When Magical Girls Go Wrong R: How to fight the forces of evil without letting your friends see you wearing pantyhose. AND NOW, A BRIEF MESSAGE FROM HIS LORDSHIP CHAOS: All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. All the magical girls portrayed within are copyright of their respective owners, artists and distributors. All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. All fic and no fanservice makes Chaos a dull author. -His lordship Chaos hislordshipchaos@hotmail.com carnage.fanfic.org