When Magical Girls Go Wrong R: Part 3 Rated PG IN A.D. 3101, BLACK MOON WAR WAS BEGIN.... [Cue the large explosion rocking the Crystal Palace!] King Endymion: [trying to stay standing] "What happen?" Sailor Jupiter: "Someone set up us the dub!" Sailor Mercury: [at the computer terminal] "We get signal." King Endymion: "What?" Sailor Mars: "Main screen turn on." [Cue His lordship Chaos on the viewscreen!] King Endymion: --;; "It's you." His lordship Chaos: ^-^ "How are you Senshi? All your Japanese voice actress are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction." Sailor Venus: o.O; "What you say?" His lordship Chaos: ^-^ "You have no chance to survive make your English. Ha Ha Ha...Ha." WHEN MAGICAL GIRLS GO WRONG R!!! Part 3: Half-Priced Henshins, Half-Baked Plot Being a magical girl can be a trying part-time job. When you're not using the Kleenex used to pad your chest for blowing your nose, you're out getting your butt kicked by some stupid- looking mystery meat o' the day. And do you get thanked? Do you ever get to write a best-selling autobiography entitled 'Crouching TigersEye, Hidden Jupiter Thunder Dragon'? I think not! But there are some perks to the job. And as I sat there nursing my concussion from having been crushed between the front door and the wall, I saw two such perks standing in my living room. Namely the well-endowed twins, Peanut Butter & Jelly. As it turned out, they had defected because of the way Dark Schnitzel was treating them. All their successive failures had resulted in him being very displeased--and as punishment he was now forcing them to wear less-revealing clothes. Unable to show off their usual bikini uniforms, Peanut Butter and Jelly had had enough, and walked out on their dark lord. And with nowhere else to go, they decided to crash at my place. Which meant they were staying with me. The obvious problem was what my parents would have to say about all this. And naturally that left me very disturbed and shocked. Chaos: o.O;; "I have parents?!" Tamagoyaki: "Oh, I'm sure they're around here somewhere. Magical girl families blend in so well with the living room furniture." Peanut Butter gave me the usual eyebrow twitch and then remarked about how I was a strange little fanboy. I replied how, oddly enough, my therapist kept telling me the same thing on a weekly basis. Tamagoyaki: ^^ "Wanna know what my therapist said?" Chaos: "If I'm right, his last words to you were 'KYAAAA!!!' And then you pummelled him with your big-assed mallet." The result of this plot contrivance was two-fold: first off, the twins took over my room and neatly booted all my stuff into the hallway. I wouldn't have really had much of a problem with this if they hadn't done the booting while I was still sitting on my bed. But lucky for me, since my siblings seemed to be cleverly disguising themselves as the potted geraniums, I just relocated to another spare bedroom. The other noticeable result was that instead of one magical girl, we now had three. Peanut Butter and Jelly had decided to ally themselves with me, and fight against Dark Schnitzel for love, justice, buttered toast and most important of all: fanservice! Of course I was curious as to what they were going to wear now. Changing sides usually warrants a change of costume in some way, shape or form. I voted that they toss the bikinis in favour of body paint. Hey, fighting in the nude works for Kekko Kamen. Why not here? Jelly: "I hope you don't have a problem with the way we dress." Chaos: ^-^ "Problem? What bosom--er, problem?" Peanut Butter: "Wai! That's a relief. It usually tends to be a problem with other guys that our wardrobe is as skimpy and limited as--" Tamagoyaki: "Chaos' intelligence?" Chaos: ^-^ "Hai! Her outfit's as non-existent as my--(o.O;;) HEY!!" Of course, I was presented with a real problem here. Namely that Peanut Butter and Jelly (and their genki bosoms) were liable to upstage me in a series where I was the primary whipping boy--er, character. At the rate things were going, they'd wind up having a spin off series of their own. People would devote fansites to them, draw PBJ dojinshi, and write all sorts of strange yuri-styled lemons starring them. And I wasn't about to let that happen! Well...everything but the yuri lemons anyways. But even if they were dressed in the finest sundresses Sylia Stingray could buy, I was not going to let the twins upstage me. Chaos: "Tamagoyaki, you've got to help me here. They're impressing the readers more than I am. I need something to regain popularity!" Tamagoyaki: "If it was anyone else I'd argue you should shorten your skirt and show more cleavage, but--" Chaos: --;; "Let's not go there, okay?" Tamagoyaki: "Well, since this is a new season, you're due for a uniform upgrade. And you need a new transformation brooch or locket or wand or whatever you're using." Chaos: "Um...all you gave me was this yo-yo." Tamagoyaki: "Good enough!" Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Is our author *that* cheap?" Tamagoyaki: "Now now, no making the author look fallible in front of the readers. You know what happened last time." Chaos: --;; "Don't remind me. I still refuse to believe there really is an atomic wedgie of love and justice. But do I have to go back to the Miracle House of Hosiery?" Tamagoyaki: ^^v "Hai! We can upgrade all your costume accessories, and I can turn that Ruby-chan into a bald little mole rat again." Chaos: "You really do hate that hedgehog-thingy, don't you?" Chaos presents: THE "HOW TO BUY A MAGICAL ITEM" LESSON! [Cue Chaos, walking up to the accessories desk of Rei Hino's Miracle House of Hosiery!] Chaos: "Hello! I want to buy a new magical transformation wand." Pretty Sammy: "Could you be more specific?" Chaos: [pointing] "I want to buy *that* magical transformation wand." Pretty Sammy: "No." Naturally I did the polite magical girl thing and flipped her the middle finger of love & justice. But lucky for me, I had some extra cash to spare because of my part-time idol singing gig, so I went to buy something else. Almost all magical girls seem to wind up with this sort of job, if anything to sell their character albums. So I wound up buying a new outfit that had a few more ribbons and bows on it. And then I wound up buying some new pumps. And finally I wound up having to hide from an irate St. Tail when she discovered her Ruby-chan was once again hairless thanks to a certain Cosplaying gerbil. As I headed off with my purchases (which included a smashing new pair of Lucky Kitty gym shorts), who did I happen to come across but an idol of mine: Sailor Saturn, dressed gothically casual as Hotaru Tomoe. Call me crazy but I like a girl who can nuke the planet on a whim with her giant can opener o' doom. However I'd be a goner if I ever stood her up on a date. Wanting no less than an autograph, I walked on over to Hotaru. Right about then, Card Captor Sakura came roller-skating by, and ran right over my toes. Hotaru gave me a lot of funny looks as I bit down on my lip and tried to refrain from saying words that couldn't be repeated in front of half the underage magical girls in the store. Finally she just sighed and assumed I was some deranged fanboy, and walked off. I was left behind, with no chance to ask for an autograph and no feeling left in my toes. Tamagoyaki: ^-^ "I like her style!" Chaos: --;; [turning to Tamagoyaki] "I can't believe you're taking notes." Tamagoyaki: "Hey, my job is to help humiliate you in any way possible! I'm always open to outside ideas." Chaos: "I thought obligatory kawaii Anime mascots were supposed to protect me!" Tamagoyaki: [shrug!] "You'd be surprised what you can live through." Chaos: --;; "It's like living with a lynch mob." Not wanting to spend any more time than necessary in the House of Hosiery (I was getting many more strange glances, especially when I began to compare the softness of the enchanted bras), I quickly shuffled outside. Tamagoyaki bounded out behind me, a smile on his face, a song in his heart and Haruka Tenou's panties in between his teeth. Tamagoyaki: "Well, what do you know? And here I always thought she was a boxers kinda gal." Chaos: --;; "If it wasn't for the beam cannon you seem to have a license to own, I'd threaten to take you down to the Ogenki Clinic and have you neutered at once." Tamagoyaki: ;p "Oh, you're just jealous." Chaos: "And if Haruka finds out you stole that from her changeroom, she'll kill us both!" Tamagoyaki: "I'm actually hoping she'll go after you first. That way I can escape while you're getting throttled." Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "What is this? Are you deliberately trying to get me killed? Do you collect on some sort of magical life insurance policy if I kick the bucket and then get resurrected?" Tamagoyaki: [feigning ignorance] "Maybe." Chaos: [argh!] "I'm starting to think I'm safer hanging around Dark Schnitzel's forces. Speaking of, if Peanut Butter and Jelly are no longer his scantily-clad lackeys, then who am I supposed to fight now?" Tamagoyaki was quick to crush my hope that I just had to fight Dark Schnitzel in a final, epic battle that would allow me to look cool for once and then retire my mini-skirt indefinitely. But apparently, the head villains never really bother considering that if they are the most powerful force on the entire side of evil, maybe they should be the first to attack. After all, it saves them a lot of unnecessary episodic battles and recycled transformation sequences. But this was the magical girls genre: a token head villain wasn't suppose to come after us until we'd successfully kicked the butts of his or her weaker & inept underlings. I had at first assumed there was this obligatory, gradual succession of stronger opponents we had to work our way up through. But then it turned out that Dark Schnitzel, like all other evil head villains, was just a lazy ass and didn't want to do the work himself. Go figure. Chaos: "So if it's not the PBJ twins or Schnitzel that I have to fight next, then who is it?" Tamagoyaki: [Cosplaying as Legato Bluesummers] "According to Magical Girl Instrumentality, her name is Lemon Jello." Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Lemon...Jello? That's it, I'm outta this turkey!" Tamagoyaki: "Wait! You don't even know what she looks like yet." Chaos: "Wild guess: five foot eight, with impossibly long purple hair, blue eyes, pale skin, and a black leotard that leaves very little to the otaku's imagination?" Tamagoyaki: o.O; "Wow! That was dead on! You haven't been peeking at the character design artbooks again, have you?" Chaos: "No." Tamagoyaki: "Well how else could you have known?" Chaos: [pointing ahead] "Because she's standing there right in front of us with a sign that says 'I am not here to steal your pure heart with a demonic crab salad. No...really I'm not!'" Lemon Jello: [erk!] "What? You mean you saw through my foolproof disguise?!" Chaos: --;; "You know, this just takes all the fun out of the genre." Tamagoyaki: "Face it: subtlety just isn't a word in the magical villain's vocabulary. It's probably a swear word to them." Chaos: "It's a shame this fic is only rated PG, otherwise I'd have a few choice swears to say to you too, gerbil." [Cue the eyecatch!] Next time on When Magical Girls Go Wrong R: How to perform your new & improved transformation power-up without smudging your mascara! QUOTH THE AUTHOR: His lordship Chaos: [chained up & sitting on a loaded catapult] "My feet hurt...with love and justice!" Haruka: [sweatdrop!] "That was your last word and/or request?" Michiru: "No more badly dubbed Hong Kong movies for you, Chaos." His lordship Chaos: ^^;; "Well it's true: you Outer Senshi always use violence. I should have ordered the glutinous rice chicken." Hotaru: [scratching her head] "What chicken?" Setsuna: [argh!] "Maybe he's referring to this turkey of a fic." His lordship Chaos: ^-^ "How are you readers? All your magical girl are belong to us. You are on the way to distribution." Haruka: "That's it, I'm pulling the release mechanism!" Hotaru: [pouting] "But Haruka-poppa, you promised that I could launch the author!" Haruka: ^^; "Er, right, Hime-chan." His lordship Chaos: --;; "Yare yare. I am damned unsatisfied to be Moon Gorgeous Meditated this way. You Outers really need to learn how to unwind." Michiru: [leaning against the catapult] "We were unwinding, until we heard you were doing another Magical Girl story again. And if you don't stop writing this fic right now, we're going to fling you into low earth orbit." His lordship Chaos: "Are you absolutely sure you want to do that?" Setsuna: "Give us one good reason." [His lordship Chaos suddenly strikes a dramatic pose and starts speaking in badly dubbed English!] His lordship Chaos: "Luna Ballzilla is attacking! We must flee!" [Cue the enormous Luna Ball, complete with Godzilla's massive rubber reptilian body, stomping across Tokyo! Hordes of panicky citizens go racing past the Outer Senshi!] Haruka: o.O; [eyebrow twitch!] "What the hey?" Luna Ballzilla: "ROOOOOOAAAAAARRRR!!!" Setsuna: "Ano...the Luna Ballzilla's, um...heading this way." Hotaru : "This wouldn't be a good time to say how all the magical girls mentioned here are copyright of their respective owners, artists and distributors, would it?" Michiru: [slowly backing away] "Hime-chan?" Hotaru: [trying not to panic] "Hai?" Michiru: "Catapult the author and run!" *KAPWING!!!* His lordship Chaos: [flying towards Luna Ballzilla!] "I will kill that Deathbuster! She must compensate me for my foot!" -His lordship Chaos hislordshipchaos@hotmail.com carnage.fanfic.org