When Magical Girls Go Wrong R, Part 5 Rated PG [Cue His lordship Chaos, walking around in the Tokyo Tower, which has been decorated with many tropical, jungle plants!] His lordship Chaos: ^-^ "Welcome, fellow otaku, to another exciting episode of the Sailor Survivor series! We've stuck all ten Senshi in a randomly-selected Sailormoon season--one inhabited by various evil youma. Now the Senshi have to compete in special rescue missions to prove their wits, strength and teamwork." [The author suddenly ducks a leopard bikini-clad Michiru swinging past on a vine & giving her best Tarzan yell!] Michiru: ^-^ "AWWWWWWW-E-AH-E-AAAAAAAAH-WEAAAAAAAAH!!" His lordship Chaos: ^^;; "Ano.... Anyhoo, right now the Senshi Council is in session, and they are tallying the votes to see which of them is the first to get voted out of the series." [Cue a blur of white fuku and pink hair suddenly getting catapulted through the ceiling and sent hurling off to the distant ocean horizon!] Sailor Chibi-Moon: o.O; "Stage Ouuuuuuuuuuuuuut!" His lordship Chaos: ^-^ "And it's the Yamhead, by a unanimous vote!" WHEN MAGICAL GIRLS GO WRONG R!!! Part 5: FANSERVICE GOOD! YAOI BAD! Whenever a magical girl gets her first kiss, it will be something she puzzles over and reminisces about for episodes on end. She will try to recall the event as best as she can, all the while sorting through the storm of emotions inside her. Not me, however. I refuse to believe that the first kiss I ever received as an otaku was by a masked (and only half-dressed) bishounen who knew I was crossdressing!! Of course the frightening implications of this would be bishie fanservice for all the rabid (and typically fangirl) yaoi fans out there. Tamagoyaki: [looking down at the twitching fanboy on the street] "You seem to be taking this whole yaoi premise rather well." Chaos: x.x "Hurting...stop...when?!" Under-dressed Over-sexed Kamen: [tenderly holding Chaos in his arms] "Are you okay? Do you need me to perform mouth-to-mouth?" Chaos: "No, I'm not okay! I'm stuck here in women's clothing, fighting a stupid-looking crab salad youma--" Sarada no Kani-chan: [blink blink!] "Wafers?" Lemon Jello: "Um...excuse me? Evil villainess here bent on world domination!" Chaos: "--with a psychotic gerbil and a masked guy who just kissed me! Just who are you anyways?!" Under-dressed Over-sexed Kamen: ^^v "Why, I am...the Ambiguously Yaoi Bishounen!" Chaos: --;; "There's nothing ambiguous about you! You just kissed me! And with tongue!! Gyaaaaaa...I need to go brush my teeth now." Lemon Jello: [waving her hand in the air] "Moshi moshi? Is anyone listening to me?" Tamagoyaki: [not paying attention to her] "What's so bad about Bishie-boy, Chaos?" Chaos: "He's wearing a codpiece *over* his pants!!" Lemon Jello: --;; "I'm feeling a little unappreciated here, people." They say love hurts. After seeing what Carrot Glaces goes through in a given Bakurestu Hunter episode, or Ranma Saotome in any Ranma 1/2 episode, or Keitaro in a randomly-selected Love Hina episode, I'd be inclined to agree. The more the girl likes you, the more violent she becomes with you. The Ambiguously Yaoi Bishie said he loved me and then tried to kiss me. I in turn kept with the anime shtick and promptly hurt him. Repeatedly. Tamagoyaki: [dressed up as Himura Kenshin] "Hold on, you can't do that!" Chaos: [grrrr!] "Says you and what author?" Tamagoyaki: "Look, it's a part of your contractual obligations. There has to be romantic tension, or else the readers lose interest." Chaos: "And this means what to me?" Tamagoyaki: "If the readers aren't interested, then I don't get paid. And if I don't get paid, I get...UNPLEASANT." Chaos: --;; "....." Ambiguously Yaoi Bishie: ^-^ [glomping onto Tamagoyaki!] "Oh, what a cute little gerbil you have, Chaos-chan! I just want to play with him and kiss him too!" Tamagoyaki: >( [evil oversized demonic gerbil mode!] "WHAT?!" [At the risk of stating the obvious, no good comes of this.] Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Um...Tamagoyaki?" Tamagoyaki: [pummelling Bishie-boy with a shovel!] "DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!" Chaos: "Would you stop that? I think he's out cold already." Tamagoyaki: "Oh...um, when he regains consciousness, I think you should be holding the shovel." Chaos: --;; "Gee, thanks." Yes, just when I thought I had hit rock bottom, Bishie-boy over here decided show up with a magical shovel of love and justice. Now while I was happy to see that my cute butt had been spared a rather painful thrashing, I did not appreciate my butt getting felt up afterwards. Having to fend off the Ambiguously Yaoi Bishounen with a crowbar (because the restraining order would take too long to process), I tried to distract him by pointing out the fact that we did have enemies present. Lemon Jello: "About time too!" Sarada no Kani-chan: [pose!] "Devilled eggs!" Lemon Jello: --;; "Oh, shut up. Now what is this guy doing here? He's cute I'll admit--" Ambiguously Yaoi Bishie: [clinging tenaciously to Chaos] "I'm sorry, but my heart belongs to another." Chaos: [grrr!] "Your heart is going to be ripped out of your chest if you don't get your hand off my crotch." Lemon Jello: "--but Dark Schnitzel-sama told me that there would be only one heroine I'd have to fight. No fair employing a hottie guy to help you do battle!" [Bishie-boy strolls towards Lemon Jello, giving her that sparkling smile.] Ambiguously Yaoi Bishounen: "Yes indeed, I shall always be here to save my dear Chaos-chan at the last minute...mainly because I forget to set my alarm clock." [Bishie-boy turns dramatically to Chaos. Cue the annoyingly romantic love theme!] Ambiguously Yaoi Bishounen: "But whenever you're in trouble, I shall be there. If you need comforting, I shall appear with my cliched speeches. And when you're down, I shall give you the strength to carry on the good fight for love and justice!" Tamagoyaki: [erk!] "Wait a minute...I have to listen to these stupid cliched speeches too?" Chaos: "How about I just drop-kick his masked ass into the nearest ocean?" Tamagoyaki: ^^ "Works for me!" But Lemon Jello really didn't seem to like the fact that now it was two good guys against one bad crab salad. I could only imagine the seething rage she was going through, that all her well- laid plans had been ruined by the unexpected appearance of a mysterious (and unwantedly yaoi) pretty-boy. Not to mention she would be punished by Dark Schnitzel for certain if she failed here. I was so sure this was what she was thinking. Turns out I was completely wrong. Lemon Jello: "Dammit, this guy's upstaging me. Looks like I'll have to resort to Plan B: lose more clothing!" [Lemon Jello rips out the midriff of her leotard, turning it into a black 2-piece bikini! Much rejoicing!] Lemon Jello: "I bet seeing this cleavage will make you want to defect to the side of evil and naughtiness. All masked pretty-boys in magical girl shows do it sooner or later." Ambiguously Yaoi Bishie: [yawn!] "Sorry, but girls don't interest me." Lemon Jello: o.O;; Ambiguously Yaoi Bishie: ^-^ [glomping onto Chaos] "Chaos here is my one, true and destined love!" Chaos: [punting Bishie-boy into high Earth orbit!] "BAKA!!" Lemon Jello: [angered eyebrow twitch!] "You...DARE find me unattractive, Sailor Dragqueen? You would choose a man over me?!" Chaos: [looking down at Tamagoyaki] "I assume she's not going to listen even if I defend my heterosexuality, ne?" Tamagoyaki: "Doubtful. Care for some popcorn while she rants?" Chaos: [grabbing a handful of popcorn] "What, no butter?" Lemon Jello: "Sarada no Kani-chan, turn him into goose liver pate right this instant!!" I could only shake my head as the loud shout of Crab Salad- chan's "Pickles!" echoed across the street. I was seriously getting fed up with this whole magical girl deal. Now I know that all magical girls sooner or later wind up wanting their normal life back and whine about having such cool powers. But no magical girl has ever gone through what I'm now suffering, so I feel that my griping is justified. Yet just as I prepared to get smacked around by the crab salad youma again, who should show up but a very familiar set of perky bosoms! Peanut Butter: [posing in a magical girl's fuku!] "Halt!" Jelly: [also posing in a fuku!] "We cannot let this unjust scene continue any further!" Lemon Jello: [erk!] "So...you two traitors have finally arrived have you? Here to save Sailor Dragqueen alongside that masked bishounen too?" Chaos: ^^v "Wai!" Jelly: "What does Chaos have to do with this?" Chaos: o.O; Peanut Butter: "We cannot stand idly by--" Jelly: "When you show up and--" Both: [pointing at Lemon Jello] "Try to steal our fanservice!" Chaos: [massaging his temples] "My humiliation never ends, does it?" Tamagoyaki: ^^v "Not in this fic!" And so Peanut Butter and Jelly engaged in battle against Lemon Jello in a valiant attempt to see who could give the fanboys (and fangirls, if they felt so inclined) the most fanservice. Needless to say very quickly all that remained were some very well-placed scraps of clothing that could only be clinging to their bodies because of double-sided tape. Or else because this fic is rated PG, the scraps of clothes were digitally added. Which means that the uncut, original Japanese version of this fic would be worth a lot of money. But the good news was that the PBJ twins (and their genki bosoms! ^^v) were taking care of Lemon Jello for me. That left me to face the vicious crab salad youma and save the day. This unto itself wasn't the problem. Who I had to work with, however.... Ambiguously Yaoi Bishie: "Don't worry, Chaos-chan! With me fighting by your side, we are sure to show that turning one's appetizers to the side of evil deserves punishment, and...and...I've forgotten what I'm supposed to say next. Could someone give me a line, please?" Chaos: --;; "Could someone give me a gun, please?" Tamagoyaki: [handing Chaos the enchanted rocket launcher] "Here, use this; it has a thermal sensor and won't miss." Ambiguously Yaoi Bishie: ^-^ [could I be any more kakkoi?] "And in the name of love and justice, I, the Ambiguously Yaoi Bishounen, shall--" Chaos: [with rocket launcher o' love!] "DELICATE KISS TO ALL ANNOYING YAOI BISHOUNEN WITH A BIG FLAMING MISSILE OF DEATH ATTACK!!!" Ambiguously Yaoi Bishie: o.O;; At the risk of stating the obvious, all that was left of him after the explosion was a scorch mark on the sidewalk and a pair of smoking shoes. Of course, Tamagoyaki warned me about the recoil only after the blast had sent me flying back across the street and into a wall. Now all that remained was for me to tackle Sarada no Kani- chan. Knowing that I could only defeat this youma with my upgraded attack, it was time to haul out an orbital platform and zorch the youma. Tamagoyaki: [ahem!] "Aren't we forgetting something?" Chaos: "Like what? I point, the satellite shoots, end of fic! I'm not going to draw this turkey out any longer than I have to." Tamagoyaki: "But the Satellite Strike won't be fired unless you do that fancy dance routine and then pose for the readers." Ambiguously Yaoi Bishie: ^-^ [slightly charred] "I can help you learn all the dance steps, Chaos-chan!" Chaos: "Didn't I just vaporize you?" Sarada no Kani-chan: "Buttered shrimp!" Chaos: "Hang on a minute, I'm getting to you!" So unless I wanted that pack of disenchanted ravenous lawyers attacking me, I had no choice but to do the big fancy dance routine--punting Bishie-boy in the process when he tried to tango with me. And right at the dramatic moment where I stopped and posed, someone yanked on a dangling rope and revealed the new backdrop for my pose. Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "This is a picture of Mel Gibson's butt." Ambiguously Yaoi Bishie: ^^v "Isn't it great?" Tamagoyaki: [grabbing the rope from Bishie-boy] "Give me thaaaaaat!" [Cue the new backdrop...namely the webpage featuring the hamster dance!] Chaos: o.O;; "That's not necessarily an improvement." Sarada no Kani-chan: [chaaaarge!] "Wine and cheese!" Chaos: [pointing at the youma] "GRUESOMELY FATAL BUT LOVING ZORCH FROM AN ORBITAL PLATFORM AND THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART ATTACK!!!" The crab salad youma had a good two seconds to gawk at the beam of light which had suddenly shot down from the skies above. A third second later, said youma and the surrounding area he had been standing in was reduced to a large hole in the earth. And there was much rejoicing. Ambiguously Yaoi Bishie: ^-^ [glomping onto Chaos] "Wai! You did it, Chaos-chan! You saved the day!" Chaos: [argh!] "Get off me, you masked moron! That's it, where's my taser of love and justice?!" On the bright side, that seemed to definitively end the latest episodic battle. Seeing that her crab salad youma (and virtually all her clothing) was gone, Lemon Jello made a hasty retreat to try and reassert her sex appeal upon all the male readers. Peanut Butter and Jelly (worship their Gainax bounce, fanboys!) strolled over to where I was currently trying to pummel Bishie-boy with the nearest car. Peanut Butter: "Well, we managed to prove our superior popularity even in the face of evil Anime babes." Jello: ^^v "And even better, we can go home after this and go skinny-dipping in Chaos' jacuzzi!" Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "Since when did I get a jacuzzi in my house?" Tamagoyaki: [Cosplaying as Zelgadis] "Since this morning. You really shouldn't leave your invisible dad's credit cards lying around where I can get at them." Chaos: [groan!] "Forget I asked! Let's just go home so we can end this lunacy." Ambiguously Yaoi Bishie: ^-^ "We can all ride in my car. I've got my driver's license!" Chaos: "But you don't look eighteen." Ambiguously Yaoi Bishie: "When you're sexy like me, you can get anything you want in any given anime." Chaos: --;; "Shut up." Ambiguously Yaoi Bishie: ^-^ [tickle!] "Magical girls aren't supposed to be snippy. Let's go on a date and I can guarantee to make you smile again!" [Cue Chaos frantically racing up & down the street, desperately trying to outrun Bishie-boy!] Chaos: "Sit! Stay! Play dead! Stay dead! Bad bishie, no biscuit!" Ambiguously Yaoi Bishie: ^-^ "I like it when magical girls play hard to get." Peanut Butter: [turning to Tamagoyaki] "So what happens now? I mean, we haven't exactly wrapped up the story." Jelly: "Hai! Lemon Jello got away, and we still have to strike back at Dark Schnitzel for taking away our fanservice." Tamagoyaki: "Author willing, we'll all meet again in When Magical Girls Go Wrong S(tupid): the search for more ways to humiliate Chaos." Chaos: o.O; [skidding to a stop] "WHAT?!" Ambiguously Yaoi Bishie: [GLOMP!] "I've caught you now, Chaos-chan! Now it's time to give the readers the romance they've all been pining for since this fic began." [And with that, Bishie-boy drags Chaos off to his car!] Chaos: o.O; "TASUKETE!!!" Jelly: "Poor guy. He's leaving clawmarks in the sidewalk." Peanut Butter: [nod nod!] "So...obligatory bathhouse scene with nekkid flashes for the readers?" Both: ^-^ "Wai!" Tamagoyaki: [wistful sigh!] "Well...my job here is done. Time to go and get pissed drunk with Kero-chan!" Chaos: [desperately trying to avoid getting shoved into Bishie- boy's car door] "What about me?!" Tamagoyaki: "Oh, I'm sure you'll think of something." Chaos: [grrrr!] "I'm going to render you extinct when this is all over, you furball!" Ambiguously Yaoi Bishie: ^-^ "Now now, magical girls are supposed to make love and justice, not war." Chaos: --;; "You stay out of this!!" So the city of Tokyo was saved yet again (big surprise there) by the heroic cross-dressing of one hapless avatar, the over- exaggerated yaoi tendencies of his masked bishounen saviour, the evil whims of his talking hamster for a mascot, and the fanservice of some cute & busty twins. Or was it? Let's quickly cut to yet another obligatory "evil head villain excuses yet another obviously inept strategy made by the evil underling" scene! Dark Schnitzel: "Lemon Jello...where are my pure hearts?" Lemon Jello: [stumbling into the throne room] "Just a minute!" Dark Schnitzel: o.O; "What the hell happened to you?" Lemon Jello: "Forgive me, my dark luncheon meat master, but I was outnumbered. Not only was that cross-dressing magical girl there, but he was helped by a masked bishounen." Dark Schnitzel: [gasp!] "The heroic bishounen has arrived?! Hmmm, this does not bode well. We shall have to step up our efforts." Lemon Jello: --;; [sulking] "And he never even glanced at my bosoms. What kind of a bishie isn't attracted to evil women?" Dark Schnitzel: "You mean you failed to seduce him to the dark side? You, the woman who's claimed to have done this to more than a dozen goody-goody bishounen like Tuxedo Kamen, Akai Mantle and the entire male cast of Fushigi Yugi?" Lemon Jello: ^^;; "Ano...'failed' is such a harsh way of putting it." Dark Schnitzel: "I'm thinking you padded your resume when you listed for me all your evil accomplishments and skills." Lemon Jello: ^^;;;; "At least I didn't pad my bra!" Dark Schnitzel: "There is that, yes. But you disappoint me, Lemon Jello. I had high hopes for you. Fail me again and again and again, and I shall be forced to give the task of defeating Sailor Dragqueen over to the obligatory bubble-headed underling the union forced me to hire. Namely, Cottage Cheese!" Lemon Jello: o.O; [dropping to her knees] "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" [Cue Cottage Cheese bounding into the fic!] Cottage Cheese: ^-^ "Wai! Cute li'l Cottage Cheese-chan here, reporting for duty! And Cottage Cheese-chan can't wait to start kicking some magical girl butt...unless it means she breaks a toenail in the process. But don't worry, even though Cottage Cheese-chan talks about herself in third person, Cottage Cheese- chan doesn't find a problem with that, so neither should you! Now all Cottage Cheese-chan needs to capture Sailor Dragqueen are three dozen pork chops, a funnel, two mechanical pencils, and--" [Dark Schnitzel suddenly pulls on a rope dangling next to his head. A trapdoor opens up beneath Cottage Cheese-chan, and she plummets down! Moments later a loud splash is heard below.] Dark Schnitzel: [massaging his forehead] "You see why I'd rather keep you in my employ and give you as many chances as possible." Lemon Jello: [peering down the trapdoor] "Wow. Good thing you had Il Palazzo install this thing." [the end of the fic as we know it?] QUOTE OF THE FIC: "Violating someone is so fun!" "It's addictive!" -Yukino & Asaba (after cheerfully 'violating' Arima) Kare Kano, ep. 20 [Cue a bunch of really kawaii, chibified versions of the Outer Senshi all sitting on a couch next to the author!] His lordship Chaos: ^-^ [closing a large M:G-2 tankoban] "And they all lived happily ever after!" Chibi-Outers: ^-^ "Wai! Wai!" Chibi-Hotaru: "I liked that story. Chaos onii-san, can we read it again?" His lordship Chaos: [patting Hotaru on the head] "Tomorrow night, perhaps. But right now you all need to go to bed, and get a good night sleep. That way you can wake up bright and early for Senshi School." Chibi-Setsuna: "Aaaw, but I already know what we're going to learn tomorrow!" His lordship Chaos: "Then care to explain to me all these 'D' grades of yours?" Chibi-Setsuna: ^^;; "Ano...." Chibi-Haruka: "Can I pick out tomorrow's story, Chaos onii-san?" His lordship Chaos: "Depends. What did you have in mind?" Chibi-Haruka ^-^ [pulling out a Victoria Senshi catalogue!] "This!" His lordship Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "I knew I shouldn't have left that lying around." Chibi-Michiru: [vicious smile] "Haruka-chan...why would you be so interested in pictures of other sailor soldiers in negligee and underwear when you have me?" Chibi-Haruka: [opening the catalogue] "But Michiru, look at how cute Minako looks in this two-page spread!" Chibi-Michiru: o.O "Oooh, you're right! Let's invite her for a sleepover tomorrow night. She can *cough!* model for us." His lordship Chaos: [grabbing the catalogue!] "Give me thaaaaaat! There's something inherently wrong when you two talk like that in chibified form." Chibi-Hotaru: [tugging on the author's sleeve] "Chaos onii-sama, will you tuck me into bed?" His lordship Chaos: "Certainly. Now everyone go brush their teeth." Chibi-Outers: ^-^ [jumping off the couch!] "Hai!" His lordship Chaos: [sigh!] "I should babysit Naoko's Senshi more often. Now, how to get a bigger tip out of her...." -His lordship Chaos hislordshipchaos@hotmail.com carnage.fanfic.org