Realization

	This was not exactly what Seiya had in mind when he had offered to 
be Usagi’s bodyguard for the night.

	Taiki and Yaten had left right after the battle with the Phage, and 
Haruka and Michiru appeared to have disappeared as well, but the other girls 
had decided to spend the night, seeming to think Usagi needed bodyguards to 
protect her from *him*, like he was some wolf just looking for the chance to 
attack his innocent prey. The five of them -- well, six, if you counted 
Chibi Chibi -- were sleeping downstairs in the living room on futons, while 
Usagi had loaned him use of her bed for the night.

	*If only Usagi was laying here beside me,* he thought, but he 
quickly shook his head, pushing the image of a nude Usagi out of his mind. 
Perhaps Usagi’s friends were right to be concerned about his intentions 
after all.

	Unable to fall asleep, Seiya climbed out of bed and walked over to 
Usagi’s dresser. On top was the photo of Usagi and her so-called 
“boyfriend”, which still lay facedown from earlier. Seiya picked the picture 
frame back up and sighed, wondering why she remained so devoted to a guy who 
had not contacted her at all since leaving for college in America. It was 
obvious to Seiya that Mamoru had dumped her without even giving her the 
courtesy of telling her the truth, but Usagi insisted that the two of them 
were still madly in love with each other and that Mamoru was just too busy 
to pick up the phone or send her a letter.

	“Too busy, huh?” Seiya muttered. “Yeah, right. Busy hooking up with 
all the horny college chicks throwing themselves at him, I’ll bet.”

	Searching for a place to hide the offending photograph, Seiya 
randomly yanked open the top drawer and stuffed the frame underneath some 
clothes. It was only when he was about to close it again that he realized it 
was Usagi’s underwear drawer. Though he knew it was wrong to look, Seiya 
couldn’t resist the temptation and picked up a pair of tiny white lace 
briefs.

	As the image of Usagi wearing the panties -- and only the panties -- 
came to mind, Seiya became aroused. He quickly shut the drawer and laid back 
down on the bed, stuffing his free hand inside his boxers.

	Just when he was about to come, however, he heard footsteps coming 
down the hall. Seiya withdrew his hand, tossed the panties under Usagi’s 
bed, and rolled over on his side just as the door to the room opened. He 
held his breath as the footsteps continued coming toward him.

	*What is she doing in here?* he wondered, somehow sensing the 
intruder was Usagi. *Did she forget something earlier? Or is she just 
sleepwalking?*

 	“Hey, Seiya, are you still awake?” she whispered.

	Uncertain as to what answer he should give, Seiya decided to remain 
quiet and let her think he was asleep. He thought she would go back 
downstairs to her friends after grabbing whatever it was she needed from the 
room, but to his surprise, Usagi slipped underneath the covers with him, 
pressing her warm body against his back.

	Her proximity was almost too much for Seiya to bear. He bit down on 
his bottom lip and shut his eyes, struggling not to respond to her presence, 
which was hard to do when he was already aroused from earlier. This had to 
be some sort of dream. Usagi was committed to that jerk Mamoru; there was no 
way she would crawl into bed with him.

	*But if it really is a dream,* he reasoned, *I have no reason to 
feel guilty about anything I might do, right? There’s nothing wrong about 
taking advantage of the situation if it’s only a dream.*

	He started to flip back over so that he was facing Usagi, but failed 
to realize just how close to the edge of the mattress he was. With a yelp, 
Seiya fell to the floor, bringing the blanket down with him.

	“A-Are you alright, Seiya?” Usagi asked, sitting back up and turning 
on the lamp on the nightstand.

	“I’m fine,” he said with a forced laugh, bashfully rubbing the back 
of his neck. “Nothing bruised except for maybe my e--” Seiya stopped mid-
word when he noticed that a blushing Usagi was staring at the bulge on 
prominent display through his underwear. He reached for the blanket and 
covered himself, mumbling, “Sorry.”

	Seiya expected Usagi to call him a pervert and kick him out of the 
room, but she only sighed, drawing her knees up to her chest and burying her 
face. Concerned, Seiya wrapped the blanket around his bottom half and sat on 
the edge of the mattress, his back turned toward her.

	“Hey, is something wrong?” he asked. “Why aren’t you downstairs with 
your friends? I thought you were having a slumber party.”

	“I…I had a bad dream,” she admitted after a short pause. “More like 
a nightmare.”

	“A nightmare? About what? That cockroach from earlier?”

	His attempt at levity failed to make her laugh.

	She shook her head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

	“You don’t have to, if that’s what you want, but it might make you 
feel better.”

	Usagi remained silent. After a couple of minutes, Seiya started to 
stand back up, assuming she probably wanted to be alone. However, Usagi 
reached for his wrist, anchoring him in place.

	“Don’t go,” she said in a small voice. “Stay with me.”

	After a moment of hesitation, Seiya sat back down and scooted closer 
to Usagi, though he was careful to keep at least a small, respectable 
distance between them. Even though every fiber of his being wanted to take 
her in his arms, he couldn’t force himself on her, especially when she was 
in such a state.

	“Are you sure you don’t want me to get somebody else? Maybe Rei?” He 
didn’t see the miko as much as the other girls, since Rei went to a 
different school, but he got the sense that the two of them had the closest 
relationship in the group.

	“No,” she said. “I don’t want them to know.” After a short pause, 
Usagi lifted up her head and asked, “Hey, Seiya, you’re a guy, right?”

	He couldn’t resist smirking a little. “I think that’s pretty 
obvious, considering earlier.” Of course, Usagi had no idea about his other 
identity as the very female Sailor Star Fighter thanks to various 
circumstances getting in the way every time he tried to reveal his secret 
earlier that night, but he wasn’t about to spill the beans now. 

	She blushed again. “I-I mean, you know how guys think, right?”

	“More or less, yeah, I guess.”

	“Well, I was just wondering… Do you think Mamoru is still in love 
with me?”

	Seiya sucked in a breath. Could it be that Usagi was finally 
beginning to see the light about her jerk of a boyfriend? Did he actually 
have a real chance with her after all?

	“Sorry,” she apologized when Seiya didn’t immediately answer. “I 
guess that’s a pretty strange question to ask you. You’ve never even met 
Mamoru. Of course you wouldn‘t know that.”

	“Has he still not replied to any of your letters?”

	“No, and I’m really starting to worry.” She began twisting the ring 
she wore on her left hand. “I know he must be really busy with school and 
all, but it’s already been a couple of months since he left. He should have 
contacted me by now, even if was only with a short phone call or note. I 
miss him so, so much, but it seems like he doesn’t miss me at all. It‘s like 
he‘s completely disappeared from my life.”

	“Maybe he was too much of a coward to tell you that he wanted to 
break up when he left,” Seiya suggested. “Or maybe he found a new girlfriend 
in America.”

	“No, Mamoru’s not like that,” Usagi insisted, shaking her head. 
“He’s one of the bravest men I know. He was always there, protecting me… He 
wouldn’t do something like that!”

	“You were the one who asked me what I thought as a guy,” he said 
with a sigh. “No matter what the circumstances, though, any guy who goes 
months without contacting the woman he claims he loves when she’s obviously 
worried about him is a world-class jerk in my book. Honestly, Usagi, why do 
you continue to remain faithful to some bastard who lives halfway around the 
world when there’s somebody right here who --” Seiya abruptly cut himself 
off, realizing what he almost blurted out.

	“Seiya?”

	“Look, just forget it. I don’t know what I’m saying. Like you 
pointed out, I don‘t know Mamoru. Maybe he really does have a good reason 
for not calling or writing.” Seiya stood back up and began getting dressed. 
“You know, I think I’m going to head back home,” he said. “Your friends are 
here. Makoto looks like she can easily beat up any prowlers that might show 
up, so you don’t really need me as a bodyguard anymore. See you at school.”

	“Wait!” Usagi jumped up from the bed and ran over to the door, 
barricading his way out. “You can’t leave, not like this.”

	“Get out of my way.”

	“No.”

	“Usagi, move. Now.”

	“No,” she repeated. “I don’t want you to.”

	“Please stop saying that,” he begged, looking down at her. “It just 
gives me false hope. If all you see me as is a friend, then let me g--”

	His last word was cut off when Usagi suddenly threw her arms around 
him and pulled him down into a passionate kiss. Though caught off-guard, 
Seiya returned the kiss with equal fervor, pinning Usagi up against the 
door. Kissing her was everything he ever imagined it would be, and he drank 
greedily of her until he tasted something salty on her lips.

	“You’re crying,” he said, breaking away.

	“No, I…” She wiped away her tears with the sleeve of her pajamas. 
“I’m sorry. I don’t know why --”

	“Because I’m not Mamoru,” he answered for her, unable to hide the 
bitterness in his voice. “He’s the one you want to be with, not me.”

	“No! I mean, yes, I do want to be with him, but…” Usagi brought her 
hand to his face, lightly caressing his cheek. “I want to be with you, too, 
Seiya,” she whispered, then gasped, covering her mouth with her hand. “I 
can’t believe I said that!” Usagi said, her voice muffled. Again, her eyes 
were brimming with tears. “I love Mamoru; I shouldn’t be saying such things. 
I’m the worst girlfriend in the world! I‘m a terrible, horrible, awful 
person!”

	Seiya placed his hands on Usagi’s shaking shoulders in an attempt to 
comfort her. “Listen to me,” he said in a low voice. “You are not a bad 
person just for having feelings for more than one guy. You’re only human. It 
happens.”

	“But I am!” she sobbed. “Mamoru and I are supposed to be destined 
for each other, so how can I even think of another man like that?”

	“Destined? You make it sound like some kind of fairy tale.”

	“Maybe it was… Maybe I was just believing what I wanted. Maybe 
Mamoru never really loved me at all. Maybe I -- Maybe I should just forget 
about him and try to move on with my life.”

	Seiya was certainly in favor of that idea, but he realized he was 
too biased to give a truly objective opinion on the matter. “Maybe I’m not 
the one you should be talking to about this,” he said, releasing his hold on 
her. “You already know what I want. The question is, what do you want to 
do?”

	Usagi shook her head. “I don’t know.  I just don’t know what to 
think anymore.”

	“Then I should probably leave before we end up doing something you 
may regret later.”

	“Yes, that’s probably a good idea,” she admitted, finally moving 
away from her spot in front of the door.

	“Yeah.” Seiya reached for the doorknob, but before he turned it, he 
looked over at Usagi, who stood off to the side, trying to wipe away her 
tears. “I just want you to know that I’ll be waiting for you, Usagi,” he 
said. “No matter how long it takes.”

	*Oh, so that’s how she does it,* he thought as he opened the door 
and stepped out into the hallway. In the end, it didn’t matter if Mamoru 
never called or wrote her; she loved him, so she was willing to wait for 
him, no matter what.

	“Man, Seiya, you really are a fool,” he muttered to himself, 
stuffing his hands into the pockets of his pants. “You were doomed to lose 
from the very begin--”

	A tug on the back of his jacket caused Seiya to come to a stop just 
as he was going down the stairs. He turned back around and looked up.

	“Usagi?”

	The blonde in pajamas threw herself in his arms, the two of them 
nearly the same height thanks to the fact that he was standing a couple of 
steps below her. Her mouth found his, soft and inviting, as he instinctively 
drew her closer.

	“Usa--”

	Before he could finish saying her name, Usagi brought a finger to 
his lips, silencing him, then wordlessly took him by the hand, leading him 
back to her bedroom. She locked the door behind them.

	“Usagi, are you sure about this?” he asked as she started to take 
off his jacket. “’Cause once we start, I don’t trust myself to be able to 
stop.”

	“I want you, Seiya,” she declared. “You wanted to leave to prevent 
me from doing something I might regret, but when I saw you walking away… I 
don’t know. I just got the feeling I would regret it more if we didn’t do 
this.”

	“But what about Mamoru? Don‘t you love him?”

	*Stupid, stupid, stupid,* Seiya mentally berated himself when he saw 
a flicker of doubt in her eyes at the mention of her boyfriend’s name.

	“I don’t want to think about Mamoru tonight,” Usagi said after a 
long pause. “It hurts too much. If he wants to keep ignoring me, then I‘ll 
just ignore him.”

	“But --”

	“Please, Seiya. Just help me forget my loneliness.”

*****

	“That was --” He couldn’t even put it into words.

	Underneath him, Usagi nodded her agreement, still struggling to 
catch her breath. Seiya climbed off of her and reached for the blanket at 
the foot of the bed, pulling it over their naked bodies. He then spooned up 
against Usagi’s backside, holding her close. Now that he had her, he never 
wanted to let her go.

	“I love you,” he whispered, kissing the back of her head. “I love 
you, Usagi Tsukino. You know that, right?”

	When Usagi didn’t respond, Seiya assumed that she had already fallen 
asleep. After what they had just done, he couldn’t blame her. He could 
barely keep his eyes open himself, though a part of him was scared to sleep, 
afraid that he would wake up in the morning to discover it really was all a 
wonderful dream. He soon found himself following suit, however, his eyelids 
losing the battle with the Sandman.

	He was just about to completely fall under the Sandman’s spell when 
Usagi let out a soft sob, jerking him awake again. Seiya propped himself up 
and reached for Usagi’s bared shoulder.

	“Usagi, what’s wrong?” he asked. “Did you have another bad dream?”

	She shook her head, her face still turned away from him. 

	“Then what is it?”

	“It’s nothing,” she replied in a strained voice.

	“It’s not ‘nothing‘. If it was nothing, you wouldn’t be crying.” 
Seiya wrapped an arm around her. “Come on, tell me.”

	“Don’t touch me!”

	She abruptly sat back up, using the blanket to cover herself.

	“Usagi?” Seiya drew back, alarmed by the sudden change in her 
behavior. “I don’t understand. What‘s going on with you?”

	“I don’t know. I don’t know,” she mumbled, rocking herself back and 
forth as tears continued to stream down her face. “They won’t stop… I feel 
like I‘m going to drown… I can‘t breathe…”

	“You’re not making sense.” He again tried to reach for her, only for 
Usagi to slap his hand away.

	“Don’t touch me!”

	“Okay, I won’t touch you,” he promised, holding up his hands where 
she could see them, “but you need to calm down. Try taking in some long, 
deep breaths, like this.”

	Usagi followed his example, and after a couple of minutes of deep 
breathing exercises, she began to settle down.

	“I’m sorry,” she apologized, wiping away her tears with the corner 
of the blanket. “I didn’t mean --”

	“It’s fine,” he said. Though he wanted nothing more than to take her 
in his arms and assure her that everything was going to be okay, Seiya 
thought better of that response, not wanting to risk upsetting her again. 
“But why were you crying?”

	“I really don’t know why,” she said. “You told me you loved me, 
which made me really happy, but then it was like… I don’t know.”

	“You felt guilty, because you betrayed your boyfriend.”

	She nodded. “That was part of it, I guess, but it was more than 
that. I can’t really explain it.”

	“You don’t have to. I think I understand.” 

	Seiya climbed out of bed and began gathering his discarded clothes 
from the floor.

	“Wait, what are you doing?”

	“Leaving, like I should have done earlier,” he said, yanking on his 
pants with more force than necessary. “This was a mistake.”

	“You’re angry, aren’t you?”

	“Gee, what tipped you off?”

	“Seiya, please, I --”

	“I’m such an idiot!” he muttered as he pulled his T-shirt over his 
head. “I knew you would probably come to regret it if we slept together, but 
I let you talk me into it anyway. No matter how much I love you, I‘m always 
going to be second in your heart, aren‘t I? I‘m never going to be good 
enough.”

	“I-I’m so--”

	He cut her off. “I don’t want to hear your apologies. I‘m just as 
much to blame as you are, if not more so. I took advantage of you when you 
were feeling lonely and vulnerable. I‘m the lowest of the low.”

	“No.” Usagi stood up from the bed, the blanket still wrapped around 
her body, and walk over to him. “Seiya, I don’t want to think of yourself 
like that. You didn’t do anything wrong,” she said, reaching up to caress 
his cheek.  

	“But I did,” he said softly. “I made you cry, and that was the last 
thing I ever wanted to do.”

	“Seiya…”

	“Please, just let me go, Usagi. We can forget this night ever 
happened, and everything can go back to the way it was before. Nobody ever 
has to know, not even Mamoru.”

	Before he could change his mind, Seiya opened the door and stepped 
out of the room. That time, Usagi made no move to stop him.

	After taking one last look back at her, he closed the door behind 
him and left, realizing that his love was never meant to be reciprocated.


DISCLAIMER: Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Any comments or criticisms can be sent to me at 
ElysionDream@aol.com.