[Sailor Moon and related characters created by Naoko Takeuchi.
Mr. Canoehead created by the Frantics.]

SAILOR CANOEHEAD,
once an underachieving student, she was portaging an aluminum canoe through
Algonquin Park when she was suddenly struck ...

>ZAP<

... by a giant bolt of lightning ...

Sailor Canoehead: "Owowowowow!  I've been hit by lightning!  WAAAAAAAHHH!"

Sammy: "You're right, you have been hit by lightning"

... and had her canoe welded to her head ...

Sammy: "You're right!  It *is* stuck to your head!"

... thus beginning the legend of

                           SAILOR CANOEHEAD

... Anime's greatest aluminum crime fighter, brother to Sammy.

"That's me!"  Sam is seen about to touch his tongue to jumper cables
attached to the electrical generators from the QEII.

Our story begins...

The alarm buzzed.  Luna opened one eye and looked at it.  Her eyes bugged
out when she saw the time.

"Oh, no.  Not again," she said.

Serena bolted upright.  "I'm so late!" she exclaimed.  She turned her head
to see the time.  Her prow sent Luna flying across the room.  Serena
quickly dressed and ran downstairs, leaving a wake of broken vases.

"When will that girl learn," Serena's mother said.  "I put that priceless
Ming vase in the way so that she would break it.  We really need the the
insurance money.  But no, she always has to look the other way."

Outside, Serena tore down the street.  As she turned the corner, she turned
her head to see if there was anyone in her way.  The thump on her canoe
told her there was, but not anymore.  She came to a stop.

"Watch where you're going, Canoehead!"  Darien picked himself off the
sidewalk.

"Don't call me Canoehead!  My name is Serena!"

"Whatever, Canoehead."

"If I had the time, I'd show - Ahh! Look at the time!  I'm really late!"
Serena did her Ben Johnson (sans steroids) impersonation down the road.
Darien could see the occasional person thrown into the air as Serena bumped
them.

'Strange girl,' he thought, 'but why does she look so familiar?'

Serena was developing a headache.  She wished that she had been portaging
with a wooden canoe instead.  Wood doesn't ring as much when people bounced
off it.  In a nearby alley, she heard a voice.

"Hey!  I'm walkin' heah!  Hey, no, please, not again!  AHHHHhhhhh..."

"Serena, that was Molly!" said Luna

"How can you tell?" Serena asked.

"How many of your friends can scream with a New York accent?  Now
transform!"

Serena nodded, breaking a light on a nearby lamp post.

"Moon Canoe POWER!"

<You know the transformation scene - just add a canoe.>

Sailor Canoehead ran around the corner.  Molly was lying face down on the
ground.  Hovering over her was a monster with a hair dryer stuck on its
head.

"It's one thing for me to be late to school by myself, but to make me even
later, that's just evil.  I am Sailor Canoehead!  I stand for love,
justice, and watertight caulking.  In the name of the Moon, I will punish
you!"

"So, Sailor Canoehead, we meet at last!"

"Whaddya mean at last?  We've never met before."

"Er, well, take this!"  The monster raised its arms and pointed them at
Sailor Canoehead.  Small projectiles shot out and rained over the
super-hero.

"Dried grapes?" Sailor Canoehead said.  "Hah!  Raisins bounce off me like
bullets off an Oldsmobile!"

Luna was almost obscured by the sweat drop that formed over her.  "She
can't even get that right."

Ignoring Luna, Sailor Canoehead continued: "Just for that, take this!
Sailor Canoehead Boot to the Head!"  With that, Sailor Canoehead launched
into a flying kick, hitting the hair dryer with a satisfying "WHUMP!"
Sailor Canoehead did a double back-somersault in the air and landed where
she started.

"Oh yeah?  Then try this!"  The monster pulled out a miniature sledge
hammer.  He approached Sailor Canoehead and tapped her gunwale.  Sailor
Canoehead fell to her knees as her canoe rang loudly.

"He-ey-ey-ey-ey!  Tha-at hu-ur-urt!" she exclaimed.

"Your head will keep ringing until I let go of this hammer.  And I used
half a tube of Crazy Glue on the handle," the monster gloated.

"WAA-AA-AA-AA-AA-AA!"

A red rose flew from nowhere, shattering the hammer and bouncing off Sailor
Canoehead's head.

"Hey!  Watch where you throw the rose!"  Sailor Canoehead raised her head.
The monster, not watching the girl, was knocked halfway down the alley.
"Tuxedo Mask!" she exclaimed.

"Believe in yourself, Sailor Canoehead," said Tuxedo Mask.  "It is your
destiny!"

'It's my destiny to believe in myself?' Sailor Canoehead thought.  'It must
be true 'cause he's soooo dreamy.'

"Now take care of that Negasludge!"

"Got it!"  Sailor Canoehead nodded, sending Luna flying out into the
street.  There was a blaring of horns.

Sailor Canoehead swung her head around in a circle, ending up pointing her
bow at the helpless monster.

"Moon Canoe Elimination!"

A wave erupted from the canoe.  A flurry of moons and canoes surrounded the
monster, turning it to dust.  Luna returned, with a white tire tread on her
side.

"Way to go, Sailor Canoehead."

Sailor Canoehead looked around, knocking over trash cans.  "Where did Tuxedo
Mask go?" she asked.

'Someplace safe,' Luna thought.  "You better hurry and get to school.
Molly has already left."

High above the alley, Tuxedo Mask watched Sailor Canoehead.  'She reminds
me of someone.'

                                      -**-

Serena dashed into class and took her seat.  She turned to talk to Molly
behind her, knocking the students beside her out of their seats.  Molly was
talking to a girl behind her.

"Serena!" said Miss Haruna.  "Face forward!"

Serena did as she was told, knocking the two students once more.  One flew
out the window.  A giant bead of sweat formed on Miss Haruna's head.
Another typical day.

Sailor Says:
Serena: "Today, I learned that I should never sign a contract without
reading it.  I also learned that Molly can be rude after recovering from
having her energy drained."

Luna: "Er, that wasn't Molly."

Serena: "Then who was it?"

Melvin (dressed in Molly's school uniform): "Hidelyho, Serena!"

Serena: "Uh, Sailor Says, heeheehee!  Alright, where's my lawyer?"