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Son of the Shadows by Starsea

“You’ve got to hold on, Sirius - ”

“To what, Remus? To what?”

They stared at each other in the gloaming. The kitchen was being swallowed by shadows. Sirius watched his friend for any sign, a hint of light, but Remus’s eyes were dark. James had been the one with the captivating light – a light which had been snuffed out. Sirius felt that twisted smile move his lips again and this time he didn’t try and stop it.

“You see? There is nothing for me to hold onto, Remus. Not anymore.”

“Harry– ”

“The last thing Harry needs right now is an overgrown teenager risking his life for a thrill.”

The words were Molly’s and they rang in the silence. Remus’s face contorted with worry. Sirius knew that he was putting Moony through hell again: what was worse, he couldn’t find it in him to care. He wanted to make someone suffer, and Remus had volunteered for the position. He had read Sirius’s mood tonight, he could have stepped back, turned away. Except that they both knew Remus would never do that.

They made a right pair, Sirius thought savagely. Moony, so desperate for a friend that he’d stick around a hardened criminal, and Padfoot, slowly going crazy in his ancestral home. The Marauders finally jailed.

“Harry will always need you, Padfoot,” Remus whispered, as if reading his mind. Perhaps it was the fact that he was lupine, Sirius was canine. There had always been a kind of understanding between them.

“Really? I don’t think so, Moony. What help am I going to be stuck in this dump? How can I going to help a boy who’s got to kill Voldemort? I can’t even talk to him about it, I can’t even prepare him! All I can do is sit here and say ‘Don’t worry, Harry, you’re not going insane, everything’s going to be okay.’ BULLSHIT! You and I know better, Moony. Nothing is going to be ‘okay’. Nothing is going to be the same for him. Dumbledore should know that. We should be helping Harry prepare for that – instead of which, I’m stuck in this hellhole, sitting on my arse, with Snape taunting me daily about my ‘easy life’ - ”

“We all know how difficult it is for you, Sirius. He’s just trying to upset you. You can’t let him get under your skin.”

“Easy for you to say,” Sirius muttered, swinging away and pushing his hair back from his face. He needed to wash it. In fact, he needed to wash everything, not just his hair. When was the last time he’d taken a shower, a bath? When was the last time he’d shaved? He couldn’t remember and his anger grew. “He can’t even talk to you because you’re in the Balkans. I know you volunteered for it, but if I can’t help him, the least Dumbledore could do was put you close, Moony.”

“I’m no substitute for you, Padfoot,” Remus said gently, with a slight touch of sadness. “Putting me near Harry wouldn’t make him feel any better about being separated from you.”

“You don’t have to be a substitute!” Sirius exploded. “You just have to be yourself!” He stopped. That was the problem: Remus hated himself. Or part of himself, at least. Either way, his self-confidence was not exactly in good condition. “Harry likes you, Remus,” he went on, slightly softer. “He doesn’t care about you being a werewolf - ”

“Well, he should!” Remus suddenly retorted, slamming his hand down on the table. “He should care about it! Look at what happened that night! I could have killed him, I could have turned him into a werewolf! The Boy Who Lived turned into a social pariah and all thanks to Remus Lupin!” He bent over slightly, staring at the floor. Even in the gloom, his face was shockingly white. “I could have killed James’s son,” he whispered. “I could have turned him into a monster. If you hadn’t been there… you saved his life, Sirius.”

Sirius walked over to him. “That’s what you’ve been thinking these past two years? Moony…” He pulled the thin man into his arms and hugged him tightly, feeling the tension in Remus’s shoulders. It was a truly awful thought, and he knew that Remus must have tormented himself with it every night. He had distanced himself deliberately.

“It’s not your fault, Moony,” he murmured. “It’s not your fault that you are what you are. Harry knows that. So please – stop blaming yourself. Nothing happened.”

“You should stop blaming yourself too,” Remus said softly, lifting his head so their eyes met. “Stop blaming yourself for James and Lily’s death, Sirius. You weren’t the one who killed them. You weren’t the one who chose to tell Voldemort where they were hiding.”

Sirius closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Remus’s – it was surprisingly cool. “It’s not that simple. I keep thinking – what if…”

“So do I,” Remus answered. “So don’t tell me to stop blaming myself. You of all people should know just how deeply guilt stains.”

Sirius grabbed his arm and squeezed tightly. They stood there, leaning against each other in the dark room. Sirius held onto his friend for dear life.

“Don’t leave me,” he whispered. “Stay.”

Remus ran a hand through the messy, greasy hair. “Only if you go and have a bath or something,” he said gently. “You really must clean yourself up. What’s the point of taking such good care of Buckbeak if you don’t even shave?”

“Then you’ll stay?”

Remus pushed him towards the door. “I’ll make some food.”

Sirius grinned at him and ran up the stairs, yelling Kreacher’s name. Moony was staying tonight. Tonight, he would be able to smile. Tonight, he would be able to sleep with a full stomach for the first time in many days. Tonight, he would be able to dream.


DISCLAIMER: Both these lovely men belong to the marvellous J.K. Rowling and I make no profit from them.

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