Sirius was in a black mood. The fire crackled and cast shadows on memories long since forgotten to him. Embers glowed and snapped, which seemed to echo on forever in the deep silence of the house. It would be daunting to anyone else, but he was no stranger to the emptiness, to being alone. Yet, this was different because for the first time in a long time, he felt lonely. The crease in his brow furrowed deeper as he contemplated this... this hollow feeling inside his chest. He shouldn't feel this way, not for him, but that didn't seem to matter to his heart. No one had asked it to whom it would reach out, who spoke to it so earnestly that with each day, each passing time with Remus, Sirius swore it beat faster and harder. But it was wrong, so wrong, and for so many reasons that he locked it away as his secret, not to be spoken of or acted upon.
He heard stumbling and cursing. Tonks was somewhere in the house now, one of the many reasons he'd told himself that his feelings were misplaced. She was young, pretty and obviously fancied Remus, too. Of course, if Sirius really had wanted to compare points, he could say that he knew him first, knew him longer, knew him best.
Not that any of it really mattered. He'd held on to these feelings for so long now that they were just another part of him, another faded memory, or so he thought. But Remus was always there: joking, talking, nitpicking... When he wasn't, Tonks was there to fill in on the breadth and depth of his qualities - as if Sirius wasn't aware. But she would be good for him, wouldn't she? And what did he have to offer him? Nothing more than before his "holiday away from polite society", when they were still young and he was foolish enough to believe that a drunken moment might lead to something more –
Yet, even then, Sirius kept his secret close to his heart because there was a lot at stake; a lot to lose if he'd gambled on love and was wrong. It had been so hard to pretend to be who he wasn't, this god of sex and lover of women. He knew Remus, and he didn't dare believe that Remus could feel anything other than brotherly towards him. Sometimes, though, he liked to imagine that he'd seen... something. Something in the tilt of Remus' head when he was listening to yet another exploit of Sirius', a fleeting intensity that would pass through a chanced shared glance. Even now, when Remus remembered everything down to how Sirius liked his coffee in the mornings, or early afternoons, as it were, Sirius sometimes fancied that there was a question left lingering on Remus' lips that would soon die and remain unspoken, but the fact that it was there...
But that was just Remus, wasn't it? That's why Sirius felt this for him in the first place. The thoughtfulness, kindness, his sense of humour, the softness about him that balanced Sirius' own raw, in-your-face attitude. Remus completed him, for lack of a more elegant phrasing; when he was ready to run, to fight, to scream out at the world, it was Remus' calming nature that brought him back to earth. And Sirius liked to believe that he had a similar affect on Remus, too. That he brought him out of his shell, that protective armour he steadfastly wore, livened up his life and brought him laughter and fun. It wasn't as if anyone else couldn't do this just as well. In fact, Tonks would be the perfect girl for this endeavour. Sirius liked his cousin; he just wished he wasn't so damned jealous of her.
He felt fingertips on the top of his head and knew that when he looked up, her dark eyes would be smiling down at him. Sitting up, he made room for her and they chatted about mundane things until she grew still and quiet, a feat for her.
"Have you seen Remus?" She finally got around to the point of her visit to this dreary, hateful house. He knew that was why she was here; he wasn't kidding himself. Tomorrow was St. Valentine's Day and Sirius was certain that she wanted to be around for it, should the opportunity arise to spend it with Remus. Funny thing that Sirius should be sitting here with her, most likely thinking the same thing and making the same wish in his heart. He couldn't help but wince and frown slightly at the question she'd asked because even though he knew it was coming, it didn't make it any easier to hear. He wanted to continue believing for a bit longer that he'd had a snowball's chance in hell with him, that she was just being friendly to Remus and she was not direct competition –
But she wasn't competition because he wasn't even in the running for Remus' affection.
"He's with Moody at Hogsmeade. They're securing the village because tomorrow is the students’ day to visit." He met her eye briefly then conjured them both drinks. She shook her head and he took a healthy swig from his glass, concern in her eyes as she watched. He closed his eyes to the familiar burn down his throat and as it faded, so did his last images of smiling brown eyes and a lingering kiss under the stars... He opened them to find her staring strangely at him.
"So," he hedged, "anything planned for tomorrow? Please, leave in all the lurid details - I live vicariously now." Sirius smiled playfully, hoping it convinced. She blushed, so it seemed a successful ruse. Reaching over, she lightly slapped his arm.
"What I may or may not be doing and with whom are none of your concern, thank you!" she answered primly, and then sniggered into her hand when she couldn't keep up the pretence. "I may have a certain bloke lined up." She tried to hold back a wide smile. Despite himself, he smiled back; she was infectious.
"A certain bloke? That sounds promising." He snorted. "He mustn't be all that interesting if he's getting such a talking up."
"Oh, warm, funny and a bit of a gentleman with a dangerous air." She lost the battle to keep her grin at bay when his brow rose in mock surprise. She turned away from his scrutinising gaze and when she turned back, she let out a deep sigh and tilted her head appraisingly.
"What about you? Stories I've heard, these four walls couldn't hold Sirius Black back from a romantic rendezvous." She leaned towards him, resting her elbow on the back of the sofa. Watching him eagerly, that strange look passed fleetingly over her face again. He shifted uncomfortably, his eyes darting around the room before meeting her gaze.
"Reports of my... romantic misadventures have been grossly over- exaggerated." He shrugged. "Besides, I'm no prize for anyone. ‘Wanted mass murderer' is a bit intimidating for the personal adverts," he joked. He ran a hand over his heavily stubbled jaw and raised his brow sheepishly. She studied him intently, and then reached out to tug on a lock of hair that hung over his shoulder down on to his chest.
"Anyone," she said, smiling, "would be lucky to have you for their Valentine!"
He avoided her gaze and holding his glass to his lips whispered, "From your lips..."
________________________________________
Sirius ran a hand over his face in an attempt to brush away the last fingers of sleep. His tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth and he briefly wondered why he'd drunk so much the night before. The smells of something wonderful wafted in through the door and he realised that he'd need to get food into his stomach if he didn't want to rue last night so much.
"Tsk, tsk, tsk."
He paused in front of the mirror, glowering at his reflection. "Have you something to say or are you going to continue to assault me with noises each time I pass?" He waited for a response and when none immediately came, he continued out of the room.
*"Polished brass will pass upon more people than rough gold."
"Excuse me?" Sirius backtracked to the reflective glass. His temper was rising and he knew it had more to do with remembering what today was than a snotty mirror. Surveying his appearance, he couldn't say that it didn't have a point. He didn't even recognise the face staring back at him. Of course, this may have had more to do with the fact that he adamantly avoided his reflection at every chance. It wasn't who he was on the inside and he couldn't reconcile the two men in his head. The last time he'd known himself, he was full of life and adventure with the whole world in front of him and he handsomely showed that.
Looking at himself now only reminded him of everything he was trying desperately to escape, the heartbreak of the last twelve years, the loneliness now. He'd filled out some in thanks to Molly's cooking, but was still more on the leaner side, though thankfully not skeletal. His hair hung past his shoulders and was almost as unruly as Harry's. He had made an effort when the Order first set up in his ancestral home. He was excited to join society again even if under constraints, but as the weeks dragged on and he realised that he was no freer than before, he let things slip away. He gave a half-hearted growl to his reflection and slouched off to the kitchen.
Descending the stairs to the basement, his anger gave way to a light anxious fluttering. Something smelled delicious and he could make out clattering just beyond the door. Subconsciously, he ran a hand through his hair and wondered what Remus was making. He bounded through the door, startling Tonks as she retrieved dishes out of the dresser. A small teacup that balanced atop the stack, teetered and went crashing to the floor. She let out a few curses and then smiled sheepishly at her cousin.
"I promised Molly I'd cut back on the damage in the kitchen while she was away." She shrugged and levitated the rest of the tableware safely to the large wooden table in the middle of the room.
"So, how's that working out for you?" Sirius walked over and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He was disappointed that it hadn't been Remus making all the fuss down here, but Tonks always offered entertainment whether she meant to or not.
She waved her wand and repaired the cup before sending it over with the other dishes. "I thought you might be Remus coming back." She set out a plate and gestured for him to sit down. A large kettle of stew and a loaf of bread came down onto the table between them. She was smiling and humming as she ladled out the stew into bowls for both of them. He watched her with a mix of amusement and envy. He wished he could wear his heart on his sleeve like that, to be able to glow at the mere thought of a lover, to let the whole world know he was in love.
"So, Remus isn't here?" he asked conversationally, trying the stew and being thankful that it was something either Remus or Molly had made, and not Tonks.
She narrowed her eyes at his surprised delight after another mouthful and pushed a piece of parchment across the table. "No, but he left this for you."
He took the note and chewed on a piece of bread while he read.
Padfoot,
Tried to wake you this morning. You sleep like the dead, old man. I've made coffee and stew for lunch, as I doubt you'll be dragging yourself out of bed anytime soon, and I've left them warming on the counter.
I needed to go out for a bit today, but I'll be back late afternoon. Tonks is coming over and may show up before I get back. Please keep her out of the kitchen. She's already dispatched quite a few pieces of crockery and I'm afraid she might burn the house down around you while you sleep.
Moony
Sirius grinned as he could almost hear Remus sighing at the end of the letter. He put the note down and held his hand over it for a moment. With his own sigh escaping, he resigned himself to the fact that Remus and Tonks were getting rather cosy. Apparently, Cupid was around last night and a least one of them was getting their wish.
"He says he had to go out, but he'll be back this afternoon." He gestured to the parchment and began to eat without much enthusiasm. "You seem chipper, must have big plans tonight?" He forced himself to look up at her and immediately wished he hadn't. She was watching him with a pitying look. He tried to grin off-handily, as he swallowed his disappointment with his stew. She looked at him for a few more heartbeats then gave him a lopsided smile.
"Actually, I could use a man's opinion. For tonight, I want a look that's fun and flirty without being a tease. ‘I fancy you' but without coming on too strong. So which do you think?" Tonks screwed up her face and her hair tumbled down into bright blonde strands that just brushed passed her shoulders. Her brow lifted in expectation and he gave her a nod and critical smile. She frowned slightly and then scrunched her nose until her hair changed to a short crop of wild waves in a hue of vibrant magenta. He huffed with amusement.
"You know," he began with twinkling eyes, "if you wanted to say all that to a bloke all you need to morph is..." He waved his spoon in the general area of her chest. Her mouth fell open and she chucked a piece of the loaf at him, which he caught and shoved into his mouth. "Seriously, you don't have to go through all of that. He likes you for who you are here" -- he put his hand over his heart -- "and not what's on the outside - even though the outside is rather fantastic." This time when he smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkled and she could see the boy he used to be.
She beamed at him and putting her palms upon the table surface, jumped up and ran over to the basement door. "Hang on!" Turning to the staircase, she shouted up, "Accio, Remus' photo album!"
Sirius amusedly watched her grab the flying book and cross back over to the table. She slid in next to him and began to flip the pages, four boys smiling up at them. Sometimes it was just Sirius and James or a photograph of just one of the lads, and there were very few of Remus as he was the one mostly taking the pictures. He stopped at one of the four of them gathered around a dingy pub table with too many empty shot glasses and peanuts strewn around. It was one of the last times they'd all gone out together: a bloke's night out just after Harry was born. They were all so young and full of life, James wanting to cut the night short to get home to Lily and Harry, their whole lives ahead of them. He forced himself to look at Peter and after a moment conceded there was no way he could have known the future. Pete sat there with his arm around James and swayed a bit before giving that huge dopey grin he always had. James sat between Peter and Sirius, looking around to all three of them before turning his attention to the camera and smiling widely. Sirius, in the picture, had reached his arm around Remus' neck and at the last minute gave him a tug so that he'd fall back into him. Remus' blushed at his falter, but giggled anyway, the way he always did when he was drunk.
Sirius ran his fingertip over the photo as the scene played out again and again. That was the night he never wanted to forget and didn't think he could even if a hundred Dementors came after him. It was one of his last happy thoughts, that night under the stars after James and Peter had gone home. The morning after, Remus said he couldn't remember a thing and Sirius was so worried that he'd fouled things up, that he left Remus curious about what exactly had happened. After all these years, Sirius wondered if he should be glad Remus still hadn't remembered a thing about it. He cut his eyes to Tonks and decided that it was probably for the best.
She nudged him with her shoulder. "You were quite handsome. It's hard not to believe all those stories of romantic misadventures!" He grinned awkwardly and she slammed the book closed and grabbed his hand. "Come on!"
"Where are we going?" He stumbled behind her across the room.
"To clean you up! Just because you drink like Mundungus doesn't mean you have to smell like him!" She laughed and pushed him up the staircase.
"Such cheek!"
________________________________________
Sirius sat nervously in the chair that was brought into the upstairs bathroom. Tonks draped him with an old towel and held his head between her hands, swivelling it to and fro, looking from all angles.
"You're absolutely sure you know what you're doing? I'm already thought to be mad, I don't want to go looking deranged as well!"
"Oh, shut up! You'd think you'd never had a hair cut before! Cousin, the I-just-broke-out-of-prison-and-have-been-on-the-run-for-the-last-two-years look is so over, you must move on!" She sniggered then whispered the first Diffindio. After she was done and he'd shaved himself smooth, he had to admit that he looked much better . She'd cut his hair to look as it had in the pictures of him and, save the fine lines that had gathered around his eyes and the corners of his mouth, that he still was too thin, but no longer gaunt, and there may have been a grey streak or two now, he at least recognised his reflection.
She was digging around in his wardrobe for something he could wear and as he was so thin, most of his clothing from his teen years would do. He fussed a bit when she wouldn't let him wear an old tee shirt with the Muggle band ‘The Rolling Stones' on the front, but handed him a pair of his old school slacks and button down shirt.
"You're not sixteen anymore, Sirius. If you can't act like it, at least look like it," she chastised. He made a mental note to start cataloguing all of the non-verbal spells he could remember in case she decided to get cheeky again.
He noticed the shadows falling across the room and realised that it was getting to be late afternoon. It was as if the pit of his stomach flooded with ice water when he remembered that Remus would be home soon to be with Tonks on this Valentine's night.
"It's getting late," he said hesitantly while playing with the hem of his shirt. He would wear it, but refused to tuck it in. "You should be getting ready for your date." He looked up at her through his new silky black fringe.
"Oh!" Tonks jumped, looking at her watch. "Yes, I should! Erm, I'd still like to get a last minute opinion on how I look..."
"Of course," he said a bit too quickly. "Look, I'll just be down in the drawing room with my date..." He grabbed the nearly empty bottle of Firewhiskey from the bedside table and headed out of the room.
"Perfect! I'd set some things up down there earlier. Could you give me a hand and just finish it up for me?"
"Sure."
"Sirius?"
He stopped and turned around to her. She rushed over to him, beaming happily, her heart beating on her sleeve for the entire world to see. Taking his hand in hers, she bit her lip then pressed a kiss to his cheek. "You look absolutely lovely tonight. Anyone would be lucky to have you as their Valentine!" she whispered, squeezing his hand.
Sirius entered the drawing room and stoked the fire burning in the fireplace. After piling on a few more logs, it was burning healthily and giving off a dim glow to the room. Off in the corner, Tonks had covered an old writing desk with a table linen and had placed some candles and glasses out. Now that the fire was going, he could just make out paper flowers and Cupids all about the dim room. He huffed with amusement before making note that there was a lack of any other sources of light except for the candles on the makeshift dining table. Obviously, she'd planned an evening where privacy was important. A pang of jealousy stabbed at him as he eyed the wide sofa in front of the fire. Glowering, he turned his back to it and walked over to the furthest corner of the room so he could hide his jealousy in the shadows when she came in looking beautiful for her evening with Remus.
He'd waited and had just decided that he couldn't effectively pull this off when the door creaked open.
"Tonks?"
From his shadowy vantage point, Sirius could easily recognise Remus' silhouette in the doorway. He hesitated, and then seemed to realise that there was someone in the corner. He stepped in slowly, with reservation, and Sirius wondered how long it had been since Remus had been out on a date. He couldn't help the anxious butterflies that kicked up in his stomach and swarmed around erratically at the sight of him acting so nervously. What he wouldn't give for Remus to be looking for him right now, instead of his cousin. He opened his mouth to tell Remus that Tonks would be down in a moment when Remus cut him off.
"You know," he started shakily, running a hand through his hair, "I got your note and I have to say that I'm very flattered, but somewhat surprised. You're an amazing young woman, but I'm just not right for you, Tonks. Not that I don't feel honoured, but, well -"
"You bloody idiot!" Sirius stepped out of the shadows to where Remus had walked. Remus shot him a look of surprise and then confusion. Sirius walked up to him and leaned in close because Tonks was going to show up at any minute. "Do you realise what she's done here? That that wonderful girl fancies you and your stubborn sense of honour is going to let you pass that up? She knows what you are and who you are and still wants to be with you! That's something, Remus. That's everything!"
Remus looked at his friend as if seeing him for the first time. His eyes roved over the black hair that still fell casually into his grey eyes; it was like seeing a ghost. Remus' brow furrowed and he brushed past Sirius to the dining table. He noted the candles and china set out. For the first time, he peered into the dim room and noticed the Valentine's decorations. His shoulders slumped a bit and he turned to lean against the table.
"It's... It's not that easy, Sirius. It's a bit complicated, really," he sighed.
Sirius walked over and leaned against the table next to him. "You're a man, she's a woman... That's all you need to know and the rest is just rubbish. What's so complicated about that?"
"Because he doesn't fancy me."
Both men snapped up towards the door where Tonks was standing. She waved her wand and the candles lit, giving off a soft glow around them. She shook her short magenta mane and grinned widely. "It's complicated because he doesn't fancy me. Boy, what a pair you two are!
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to be getting on with my date! Cousin, I hope you don't mind, but I told Charlie Weasley he could pick me up here being that he's a member of the Order." She walked over and took a hand of each of the stunned men. "Have fun and for goodness sake, do do something I wouldn't! I'm a bit of a tease, you know." She winked, and turning, left them gaping.
After a moment, Sirius turned to Remus and they both looked quickly away.
"Well, that -"
"She's just -"
"I know!" they both finished and Remus offered Sirius an awkward smile. He gestured to his hair and clothes.
"Tonks' idea. Said I smelled of a public loo after St. Patrick's Day," he scoffed. Remus winced, but laughed all the same.
"Looks good on you, old man. You've always carried off devilishly handsome well." Remus fought a smile.
"Yeah, well..." Sirius looked around the room and savouring one last moment next to Remus, decided to let him off the hook. "Suppose we should call it a night, eh?" He cut his eyes to him quickly and moved to leave.
"Sirius... do you remember that night?" The words rushed out of Remus. Sirius stopped and slowly turned back. "Just after Harry was born. We had a night out, the four of us, and I was so drunk that I got into that ridiculous fight at the Grinning Kneazle?"
Suddenly the butterflies were back and doing some sort of aerial show in his belly. Sirius cautiously stepped back over to Remus and leaned his hip against the table next to him. The blood was rushing in his ears and he wanted to be sure that he was hearing him right.
"Which ridiculous fight? The one with the patron whose food you knocked over or the one with the table you fell off of, thus knocking the poor bloke's food over?" Sirius' lips twitched.
"Yes, I see you remember that part very well!" Remus huffed.
"Ah, that's because I wasn't the drunkard that you were. I remember loads of things."
Remus turned to face Sirius; they were so close that the air around them seemed electric. He looked coyly at him through his fringe. "Yes, well I remember all sorts of things, too. Things you'd thought I hadn't remembered to begin with." It was Remus' turn to bite back a grin as he watched Sirius swallow hard. "I remember a cosy stone wall and stargazing in the cemetery. Only we didn't just stargaze."
"We didn't?" It came out just above a whisper and Sirius was staring into those warm brown eyes just as he imagined so many times. Remus let the grin form on his lips as he shook his head slowly, never loosing eye contact.
"We talked. We talked about the war and the meaning in living each day. And then you asked me if I'd meant what I said when we played that silly game earlier."
Sirius was entranced, that night playing before him like a Muggle movie. They had played ‘would you' and Remus had said that he would kiss a man if he ever met one he fancied. That to forsake a chance at love, to rule out a sex entirely, was just a waste. That's what had done it, what had started the whole thing, really. Sirius wouldn't ever have had the courage –
"You were upset because you thought I didn't find you fanciable and you asked me if I would kiss you," Remus stated, his brow lifted, wanting to know if he had remembered it all correctly.
"And I remember you fell off that wall," Sirius smirked. The briefest moment of confusion flickered in Remus' eyes. Sirius panicked, he didn't want to ruin this moment when he felt that they were so close. "And I remember giving you a hand up and plucking a leaf out of your hair... and that you're one hell of a kisser!"
Remus bit his lip against an embarrassed smile and then shrugged. "I've always found you fanciable and I don't see any derelict stone walls about and neither of us is drunk this time..."
A corner of Sirius' mouth hitched up and, wetting his lips, he gave an almost imperceptible nod. Remus took a deep breath and, closing his eyes, leaned in. Suddenly, his eyes snapped open and he jerked his head back a bit. "You're not going to let me fall on my face again like last time, are you?"
Sirius smiled wider than he had in all his memory. It was that huge dreamy smile where everyone who passes knows you're in love. He took Remus' face in his hands and leaned in. "Not on your life!"
