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Reviews on Royal Blue by December


Review by sailorknight 2006-07-11

I really liked this story. Although I felt it kinda started off a little slow in the first few chapters, the last few chapters really held my attention, especially the last two. Maybe this is because I'm admittedly a fan of action sequences or something, but there was something there that drew me in more than the previous chapters.

Anyway, since I'm sure you'll want a more in-depth review than that, I'll get into the three recommended chapters.

[i]How They Met[/i] - Really short, I felt. Also, it felt rather rushed as well, sort of like there was a lot of character introduction squeezed in just to make room for the fated meeting of Terrius and Adaunde, which also felt way too short. I felt a lot more could've been done here to expand this eventful meeting and that this short rendevous had the potential for so much more. It's not to say that I didn't like this chapter, as Adaunde's refusal to look at the man who swept away her heart was quite endearing, and I liked her descriptions of the everyday life of those who live outside the nobility, comparing it to the ground as opposed to the heavenly nobility.

[i]How to Choose[/i] - Using the names of the Shitennou as titles of the Prince's elite guard is something I've read variations of, but this is the first I've read of them being chosen, rather than having them all being long-time associates of Endymion. Well, two of them were, at least, but I think you get what I'm saying here. At any rate, I liked the mention of Endymion being "his mother's son" likening his sneaking out of the palace as akin to his mother's willful resistance of 'unnecessary' protection. Another thing, although I felt that these incarnations of Kunzite and Nephrite to be spot on, I felt a little thrown off by Jadeite and Zoisite. I've always seen Jadeite as the wise, strategic one - note the number of plots he came up with in the anime versus the other Shitennou - and Zoisite being the more of an opportunist. At first, I thought that Jordan would've been Jadeite, seeing how they somewhat matched in my mind, leaving Treggar as Zoisite, even though I was struggling to match these two in my head. Well, not everyone has the same views of how characters are supposed to act anyway. *shrugs*

[i]How to Protect[/i] - Yay! Action! Invasion! Battel!!! ^_^

*ahem* Excuse me for a moment.

Anyway, all joking aside, even though there were no scenes of actual battle, there was still the sense of tension, as if you could sense the battle elsewhere, just looming around the corner. As a writer of many a battle scene, I can definitely appreciate something like this and see where you don't always need to see battle to know it's going on. Also, although many of the link box conversations seemed repetitive, they helped to link the scenes together, giving a sense of simultaneousness about them, which isn't very easy to do. As for Adaunde's behavior at the end, calling for a complete Basque genocide, I found it surprising and even at odds with her personality. I can understand her thoughts and feelings on the subject, but personally, I found it a bit on the extreme side.

On a side note: On a whole, I find the whole idea of using familiar terms in a different manner - e.g. sunwane = evening; mooncycle = month; slipping the world = fainting - and even using current geography in some of the regional names - e.g. Amerwest = Western America; Afrique = Africa - interesting. I liked how you also included Atlantis, although it's fictional, and the fact that you also mentioned the Basque, even if they're the evil 'terrorist'-type group. I guess that's just the half-Basque Spaniard in me. Too bad they weren't the Castilian instead. Oh, well. ^_^

Well, I hope you get to the meeting of Endymion and Serenity soon. Of course, I'm more interested in the political stance between the Earth and the rest of the Moon Kingdom in this fic, since the Earth was supposedly envious of the prosperity of the Moon Kingdom which allowed Beryl - a noble of the kingdom, I believe - to gather support against the Moon with the backing of Metallia. But this may not be exactly the case with your story, I suppose. Which reminds me, whatever happened with the Praxis? They were mentioned one chapter, then forgotten for the rest of the story. It seems that more could've been done here, but they were just used as a plot stepping stone and nothing more, leaving us wondering. Not to mention also wondering what Ali's beef with Adaunde was.

Which leads me to something else; the interesting names you gave some of your characters. Clinton and Gore? I know others have undoubtedly mentioned this, but I had a chuckle upon reading this, then gave a small snort of laughter upon seeing them marry. Also, with the aforementioned Praxis, you used interesting family names, matching each with their particular foible: Ashley [i]Hubris[/i] of House [i]Pride[/i]; Shana [i]Registry[/i]; and Ali [i]Noir[/i]. It kinda felt like being sledgehammered with the message that these were one-dimensional characters there only to serve one purpose; which they ultimately fail at doing with only one shot each.

One last thing: Nice titling scheme. Every chapter title begins with the word "How" followed by a very brief one- or two-word, possibly more, description of the entire theme of the chapter. Very creative.

Anyway, everything else aside, I did enjoy this story. Hope all this helps.
Review by Heavenly Pearl 2006-06-26

Before I begin, I just want to warn you that I only read the requested chapters (1, 7, and 8), so if I happen to mention something that was explained or mentioned in the other chapters, just ignore me. ^_^

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, onto the review.

Out of the three chapters I read, the first once was definitely the weakest. Adaunde's horizon speech was great, and it was definitely cute that Adaunde refused to turn around and look at him, but I found it a bit unbelievable that Terrius and Adaunde would so easily spill the beans, so to speak, on their life philosophies within minutes of meeting. It came off as a weak attempt at characterization, telling instead of showing what they were like. I would have liked Adaunde to have captured Terrius' eye by talking with a servant or something like that, instead of just her beauty. That way, we could have seen how she's different from the other ladies, rather than Terrius just having a "feeling" when he saw her alone on the balcony.

Moving on, Chapter 7 was definitely my favorite of the three. I found it a bit unbelievable that Endymion could so easily slip away from the palace, especially on such an important day when he was supposed to be the center of attention (I would have liked to see how he actually managed to pull that off), but other than that, I loved how the shittenou were introduced before they were named the shittenou. Also, the characterizations of the four felt very real, instead of being the usual cliches, such as Kunzite's the strong, silent type or Jadeite's a charmer with the ladies. Granted, they're only eleven when they become the shittenou, so they could evolve into that later, but it was still nice to see them acting like young boys instead of men. The naming ceremony at the end was a highlight, and definitely my favorite part.

Chapter 8 was also well done. Considering how I'm not really a fan of fighting scenes, I liked how you managed to pull off an invasion of the palace without having actual battles. However, I thought there was a bit too much repetition with the link box conversations. The repetition of Clinton's message that he had his daughter and Adaunde's mother was well done, because it showed that all the scenes were happening at around the same time and it wasn't necessarily the important part of the other scenes, but I didn't think it was necessary to repeat Kyto's and Nephrite's conversation where Kyto informed him that the king and queen were dead, since they happened right after one another. You could have picked up right up after their conversation in the next scene. Also, I found Adaunde's desire to have all the Basque killed, including women and children, a bit OOC from the parts I read. I could have seen her actually supporting some kind of military action against them after what had happened, but her ordering a complete genocide seemed very extreme and unbelievable.

Other than that, I really liked the international feel of the names. It really seemed to fit, considering that the Earth doesn't seem to have been divided yet into separate countries. I really got a kick out of the couple of Clinton and Gore. ^_^ I did think that their daughter's name, Kay-Leigh, was rather too modern for the time period, though.

And, boy, I think that was the longest review I've written in a long while. *laughs* I hope you managed to find at least some of it useful. ^_^

Author's response:

Thanks for the review. Don't worry about the length; long reviews are useful. And, the feedback on 1, 7, and 8 are good. As I was more concerned about how 7 and 8 (especially 8) come across, all feedback is useful.

You are the second person that has commented on the Clinton/Gore union. Seriously, I never thought it would be weird at the time. I just needed a lot of names, especially last names, for this story and there you go. Although, Howard really isn't like Bill and Shannon is definitely not Al, so I think I'm okay. :)

Adaunde at the meeting has been a sticking point for a lot of people (that I need to deal with, I know). I will revisit that part of the chapter at some point and try to figure out how to accomplish everything I need to without over-jarring the reader.

And I glad you enjoyed chapter seven. Out of all the chapters, I enjoyed writing that the most.
Review by Kihin Ranno 2006-06-19

Firstly, I really like the premise for this fic. It's an interesting look at the Kingdom of Earth. And I’m also going to apologize because my reviews are often a long time in coming in addition to being nigh endless, and that’s usually because I have a tendency to pick things apart.

The following few paragraphs mainly refer to chapters two-four as well as six as I think those are probably the weakest of the story.

I feel as though certain phrases and names and other such things remove me from the time period. For example, phrases like "for sure" and "spill it" instantly took me out of the story. While in the place of the latter, I know it was intended to make note of the class difference between Maya and Adaunde, but I very much doubt that sort of phrasing was around back then. On the other hand, other phrases like “slip the world,” “mooncycles,” and “sunwane” are ones that I enjoy in particular and feel very reminiscent of the intended period.

Another big thing that I felt didn’t fit in timeline was when the medic said that they had “run some tests” to determine that Adaunde was with child the first time. Now, I could very well be wrong, but up to this point, there was no indication that the Kingdom of Earth possesses any sort of magical abilities, which is the only possible way I can think of that they could have run such a test. As far as I know, women knew they were pregnant when they didn’t get their period.

In addition, I feel as though these chapters are very exposition heavy, particularly in the dialogue. They seem to be suffering from "telling instead of showing" syndrome. For example, while the scene with Terrius and Adaunde meeting was brilliant, it's really all we see of their relationship. After he asks to court her, we skip right to their wedding, where their relationship and the things Adaunde has done are talked about, but because I didn't "see" them, they don't stick. This happens a few times where relationships are spoken of rather than shown developing (the relationships between Adaunde and her wedding attendants other than Maya and the mistrust between Bryer and Adaunde are some other examples). As a result, it has a less significant impact, so I either don’t connect or I don’t remember.

Another off-shoot of this problem is that I feel like you’re devoting time to information we don’t really need. The biggest example I can think of is the wedding chapter, where a paragraph was dedicated to describing each lady’s dress, when it could have been easily said that, “Her four attendants were dressed to represent each of the four elements: wind, water, fire, and earth.” And then two ceremonies were over in about two paragraphs, and I had no idea what had happened. I’m not telling you to write a book about the wedding, but I am saying that I think you need to be cognizant about what scenes are important and what information is important and what is the best way your audience can receive it.

As for characterization, I feel like many characters are two-dimensional until we get to “How to Grieve.” For example, I highly doubt that seven or eight political powerhouses would be unaware that they were political powerhouses and merely regard themselves as friends of the prince and princess. The only person that I would expect that attitude from is Adaunde because she’s the only one who doesn’t really see matters on a global level – she sees them on a personal level. But everyone else should be aware of the power they wield or else they wouldn’t be able to wield it. On the other end of the spectrum, Lady Ashley doesn’t have a single redeeming quality. She’s spoiled, selfish, ruthless, and a whole lot of other things I expect from someone trying to assassinate a princess, but it still comes across as being flat. None of the characters seem to have any weird quirks or idiosyncrasies, likes or dislikes, or things of that nature.

Now then, I very much enjoyed the details about every house having a flower and that Adaunde’s family was not given red roses as a flower. I was expecting it, and was pleasantly surprised to see that it was a white calla lily. As a matter of fact, the idea of the fourth gift was another that I enjoyed. I confess I don’t know if that has any historical basis in fact, but regardless, I was impressed with it. And on an emotional level, it was very sweet of him to do that. ^_^ Though I must admit, I don’t quite understand why her family wasn’t given a flower when they were given the title.

I think the strongest scene in the story prior to “How to Grieve” is when Terry and Adaunde met and spoke on the balcony. That was dialogue heaven because while the characters were meeting each other, the information passed between them was minimal, which made the conversation much more interesting. They were relating on an emotional level that wasn’t serving the plot, and that’s what made it work. Moreover, Adaunde’s spiel about looking to the horizon instead of the heavens was wonderful and it made me envious. Her feelings about that are reflected in the character see through the rest of the story, and make her a bit more accessible to me than the others.

Now then, on to “How to Grieve.” This is where I began to connect with what was going on and really begin to care about what was happening, and I think that it illustrates how your writing improved over time. I found the part about Kyanna coming to terms with her husband’s death very moving and very realistic. I also found her realistic and I cared about her. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for “How to Laugh” since I still feel like things were waffling a bit there.

And then comes “How to Choose” which is absolutely wonderful on so many levels. I can definitely sympathize with a child being laid with a burden that he feels is too heavy for him to bear. That was a huge responsibility, and I felt for the poor kid. Endymion himself felt a bit distant from me since he was imparting a lot of information on to us, but I think the four Shitennou made up for that. I feel like all of them were very clearly defined and I was able to latch on to each and every one of them. They all seemed distinct in a way that characters before them didn’t seem to be, so go you. Also, this bit of dialogue:

"Please tell me that someone else also has something pointed and sharp."

"There is my wit," Nathaniel shared.

As the self-appointed Dialogue Whore of .moon, I am envious. And it is for that reason that I can definitely say that I. Love. Nathaniel. So much. I am quite certain that he is going to be my favorite of the four in this story. Sorry Kunzite! I still think you’re the prettiest!

And finally, I just wanted to slap Adaunde throughout the entirety of “How to Protect.” I understand that she’s worried, but running back to the palace after being evacuated was idiotic and a slap in the face to everyone who had worked so hard to get her out. I applaud Bryer for dragging her back kicking and screaming. I got completely fed up with her when she said she would slap Jonathon and the others for making her worry. They saved Endymion, she has received confirmation that he is fine, so shut up, Adaunde. If she’s going to be upset with someone, be upset with the people who didn’t take the ten seconds to tell Nephrite how to use the linking device.

And I agree with Dejana that Adaunde’s about face was rather alarming and felt out of character to me. It would have been a bit more believable if one or both of her other sons had been lost for her to have that sort of reaction. Or, in a move I would have found more in character, would Terrius could have been on board from the beginning or have him a bit more on the fence and have Bryer be the one to ultimately push him over. Military daughter or no, I don’t buy it from Adaunde, and I don’t buy that everyone else was against her as well. I assume that Bryer and perhaps Kunzite agreed with her, but I think the shock of her suggestion would have been lessened had someone else spoken out in favor of her suggestion.

And finally, name nitpicks: Jedite was a certain Shitennou's name in the NA dub version, but Jadeite is the correct spelling for the original version. And also, it's actually Zoisite, not Zoicite.

Author's response:

First, thanks for the review. I'm sorry it has taken forever for me to respond. And don't worry about the length or the depth. After (and if! stupid writer's block) I ever finish this story, I'm planning a huge edit/rewrite. Like an RB-redux...but I'm not starting that until I finish the story. When I do, however, all of these reviews will be very helpful.

I did worry about the spelling of the Shitennou's names, but I may find a way around my "mistake". We'll see; thanks for the info.

There is so much that I could say, and I think you make some excellent points, but there is one thing I should clarify. While I agree that there are not magical powers among those on Earth, I would contend that there is some level of technology. There actually has to be for later things to happen. I don't talk much about technology on the planet in the story because, up to this point, it hasn't mattered. It will in the future, however.

Oh, and the fourth gift and houses having flowers were random things that came out of my head. To my knowledge, there is no historical precedent that would imply this.
Review by Anonymous 2006-06-14

Wow! Well done on the last three chapters! I think you've really hit your stride with this story, now that you've gotten all the intros taken care of and can really jump into the main plot. Having little familiarity with Sailor Moon, I couldn't even begin to guess where this story is going, but it doesn't look like it's going to be enormously happy. Death and mayhem? Awright!! I really like what you're doing.

In the sixth chapter, I loved the line about morning sickness when Bella says, "Goodness! That would not have gone over well at the ball! It would have clashed with her gown." That's just funny!

I think chapter seven was my favorite of the three. You did a really good job introducing the boys and showing their interaction. I liked the adventure on the hill and everyone's reaction to Endymion's interesting guard choices. I hope you show more of the interaction between the boys. I'm particularly fond of Nathaniel. He's deliciously snarky. I have two favorite lines involving him, one from chapter seven, "At least he brought something pointed and sharp," the young man in front continued. "Please tell me that someone else also has something pointed and sharp." "There is my wit," Nathaniel shared. That's just great. The other line is from chapter eight: "While Jonathan was correct to call it a Fineta, Nathaniel was pretty sure what was happening was a palace invasion." As previously stated, I really like Nathaniel.

Bryer is an interesting character. After reading the last chapter, I could start to like him. The tension you created between him and Dawn makes for an interesting bit of conflict.

As for the attack and aftermath, you struck a nice balance between not being graphic and yet showing the fear, uncertainty, and distress that would come from something as awful as a mass slaughter. Dawn's reaction was a surprise. I wasn't expecting her to make such an abrupt break with her normally loving and accepting beliefs. The little boy that you added at the very end of the chapter piqued my interest greatly. There will be more with him and an explanation of the darkness, yes? I hope so!

All in all, good job!

Author's response:

I'm glad that you finally got a chance to read the last three chapters. I agree with you that the last three are the best so far, in part because of the boys. I got the idea for a snarky Nathaniel based on who he becomes in the SM canon; I figured he'd have to be a little snarky for some other character traits to come out later. Besides, snarky is fun!

I won't call it a spoiler, but I will agree that the overall ending of this story probably won't be happy. Not that we are anywhere near the ending I have planned, but I think the last chapter is just a hint of things to come.

The Adaunde at the meeting has been a sticking point for a few people. I'm trying to balance a whole lot that has to happen in that scene and she comes off practically as a different person. I'm not sure how to address it, but hearing people's reactions to that have been very helpful to me.

Thanks for the review. :)
Review by Dejana Talis 2006-06-12

First of all, this review is going to contain spoilers, so be warned, O Potential Readers.

Now then, I've been meaning to read this story for a long time, so I'm glad the Review Exchange took away my freedom to procrastinate. xD And wow, this sure is an interesting fic. You've got a complex world going here and it's obvious you've put a lot of thought into its structure and how it works. Starting so far back in the past is really unique, I had a lot of fun trying to anticipate where the canon characters would come in. I'm intrigued by the plot and looking forward to how the pieces will all fall into place.

That being said... I think I know why you haven't been getting a lot of response to this story. The writing style you use to narrate the story is kind of thick. I'm not very familiar with your other work, so I'm not sure if this is your usual style, but to be honest it's kind of a dry read. It sometimes feels like some things are being described too much and others not enough. Your dialogue, on the other hand, is excellent. In my own stories I tend to be awesome at narration and not so hot on dialogue; you seem to have the opposite problem (we should collaborate on a story sometime! xD). Potential readers may be passing on your fic because the opening chapters fail to draw them in. While you've got a great plot going, until it really kicks in there isn't much else to grip people right from the get-go.

However, this problem seems to be correcting itself in the later chapters. You mostly wanted feedback on chapters 7 and 8, so I'm glad to say that really I feel these two most recent chapters are the strongest of the story so far. There's a lot of different things going on in different places, and you handle it very well, with only one instance of unnecessary repetition that I noticed. It's not confusing at all and everything that needs to be in there seems to be covered in an engrossing way. I found myself reading these chapters far more eagerly than the previous ones. Obviously some of this was due to the action scenes, but there's something about the way you've been writing since Endymion became a key player that's better than the rest.

Unfortunately, the awesomeness of these chapters hits a low point at the end of chapter 8. I can tell the meeting scene is supposed to be a climax that's been building for some time now...but I'm afraid I don't quite buy it. ^^;; You've put so much effort into establishing Adaunde as a compassionate person who shows mercy no matter what, and her about-face is a bit too extreme given the story so far. I think I understand the conclusion you're trying to draw - everyone has their breaking point, family is extremely important to Adaunde, after all she's done her people stabbed her in the back - but even so, calling for the extermination of innocent children is a bit much. If it had been her mother who died in the attack, then I could have accepted it, but the royal couple... I know they're supposed to be like family to her, but a bond that strong between them and Adaunde hasn't really been established. Her outburst is scary and shocking, which I think is the point, but it still seems a bit over the top based on the context given.

Beyond that, though, these last few chapters are great, even better than the earlier ones, so don't worry about them so much. I do hope we're going to be settling into the central plot of the story at this point. Time skips along quite swiftly in this fic, which is fine, but a few subplots that were prominent components of the story early on were left unresolved, which was a bit frustrating. ^^;;

I hope this review doesn't come across too harsh. I'm looking forward to reading more of this story. :)

Author's response:

Thank you so much for your review, Dejana. And don't worry; it didn't come across as harsh at all.

I'm glad that you enjoyed the concept and (in particular) the last two chapters of the story. Oddly enough, they were the easiest to write. Chapter seven was just fun; chapter eight was compelling, even though it was very disturbing for me to write.

You stumbled on one of the things I'm struggling with in the story, the characterization of Adaunde. There is a danger with her of making her too perfect; I worry she comes across that way, especially in the early chapters. Her overly loyal and (at times) unreasonable protection instinct in regard to her family is her main weakness, and one that will continue to cause problems for her, both in this incarnation and her later one. Oddly enough, I also need what happened to the Basques to happen and I need to keep Lady Anderson alive for a bit longer, so therein lies my problem.

On another note, I'm glad that you enjoyed the dialogue. As for the narrative being wordy...it's something I have to work on. I tend to be long-winded, although a friend did thank me that the wedding and funeral descriptions were not too detailed. Maybe that's a taste preference?

Again, thank you for the review. And I would love to collaborate with you on a story. :) I also hope that later chapters (whenever they get written) will help explain some of the unresolved sub-plots for you.


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