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Review by Loki |
2009-05-29
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This story is very similar to one I read by Dutchess Courtney, formerly of Airasink.com and FF.net I think, it has so many identical features. Both are set in a small nation with similar names, and the escape from the Nazis is also similar to the cutting of the hair and ride on horseback. A lot shorter, but DC's fiction came immediately to mind. Perhaps you were inspired by that fic? ^_^
You need to anchor the story in a solid plot. At the moment, we have the backdrop of WII and a princess on the run, the story is a little rushed and you say it is complete, but it has barely begun.
Also format-wise, dialogue clumping, I don't know if it is something with the file you posted, but the dialogue and narration should all have their own paragraphs with clear distinctions between these. hitting the enter key twice will create this demarcation for you.
I would say you need to do a lot more work on developing your characters, they have no soul.
Packing things so tight, rushed and in a stacatto manner doesn't tell the story but you need an experienced editior, you need the following areas to consider:
1: world building - creating the settings that support your MC (Main Character/characters) You have a location, but you need to flesh this out and even in a prologue we need a lot more.
2: dialogue, here too is where the depth of characters shine, we need to know more about them, and though a on-going story will supply the depth, we need a lot more than what is a two dimensional snapshot. Reading established fanfiction writers, and especially writers of print novels will show you a lot of the basics and in terms of layout, format and structure you can learn a lot from this and participating in the forums here on dot will help and reading the threads.
3: characterization, try and create profiles of your characters, create a page or two packed with the character's idiosyncracies: image, likes, dislikes, history, fears and hopes, accomplishments etc, this will give them grounding and make them more reall. Think about hobbies, skills, whether they sing or dance, or play sports or education, music art. These aspects will give you a solid character to work with in your story.
4: grammar and technique. You need to work a lot harder on some of this sort of thing, practice, and practice and plenty of reading.
Choose a BETA with skills in this area who has the experience to mentor and guide you.
Summaries, always put your best foot forward. If you wish to write, write, don't ask us if you should write more or not. You need to trust your muse, ride upon your mojo and harness those plot bunnies and sell yourself in your summary.
Work out your plot, the themes and if you're writing an epic, profile characters, organize themes, start middle and endings are the bridge of your story, title your chapters if that will help. outline and write blurbs for each. Jot down ideas, keep a writing journal and see how you go.
I really hope you give that some thought as you have potential and only need to ask for more assistance.
Good luck
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