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Review by dragonkiri |
2006-10-23
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Very ambitious story you're writing here... I've read the first four chapters, and I'm enjoying it very much so far. I rather like how you haven't merely adapted things - actually rewriting the story and having different things happen is a refreshing change. It's nice to not know exactly what's going to happen next!
My only complaint is that the descriptions of the girls tend to rub me the wrong way, since they're repeated over and over again. You've used "the odango-haired blonde" or "the blue-haired genius" so many times! ("Odango-haired blonde" alone occured about thirty times in the first two chapters.) It's especially noticeable when I'm reading large chunks of your story in one go. It would be nice if you exercised a bit more creativity with these types of descriptors, or barring that, just use the characters' names more often.
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Author's response:
I know. I did start the story almost -- more than? I can't even remember now -- five years ago, and I hadn't seriously written for three years before that. Haven't kicked that habit of descriptions until pretty much recently.
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