Longings
A RahXephon vignette by regie27

Standard disclaimers apply



"Deep into a dying day
I took a step outside an innocent heart
Prepare to hate me fall when I may
This night will hurt you like never before

Old loves they die hard
Old lies they die harder"

I wish I had an angel, Nightwish

~.~

Your hands roam my skin…

Your fingers brush my abdomen and my tell-tale marking…

Your warm lips cover mine…

Your feet run along my legs…

And I’m spiraling again into the insanity of a passion inflamed by jealousy, love and the longing that I can never push away.


Back then when we were both still young of age and heart, you came to me, wishing for me to fill the void of your solitude and ease the burden that oppressed your heart. You wanted me to help you heal you and yet I did just the opposite. The wounds that time couldn’t heal ached and throbbed more with my mere presence. I played the role of the substitute and not even that I could do well because it was never enough to satisfy you or to make you forget him.

And now you’ve come back to me after I have again purposely wounded you. I just couldn’t stand anymore how you kept pushing me away, rejecting everything I did because I wasn’t needed anymore, because you had finally found him. I know that tonight I took away from you more than just a kiss; I took away your opportunity to recover what had been taken from you and I know you hate me for it. I admit it. I wanted you to suffer what I have since we met again but I now I realize I did more than push you to the corner I've been shoved to by your rejection. My kiss awoke sensations you had dulled in order to remain sane and faithful to his memory. I brought back memories of when you had sought in me solace and companionship, when you had awoke beside me. My kiss reminded you that you are human, that you are a red-blooded woman and you ache and feel and long for him just as I do for you. Back then, I had been the owner of your nights and your body yet I knew I deluded myself because I knew even when you were with me you were never really mine, but his, always his. When you caressed me, it was him you saw and not me, and yet I wasn’t able to do anything but stay in your arms and play the game. You made love to a lost love through me and I made love to a lost cause.

I knew what I had done yet it was for me a surprise to see you at my door tonight, drenched by the midnight rain, eyes bloodshot and puffy by the endless tears. I stood still as you lifted your hand. I didn’t flinch because I knew I deserved it but then it happened, the stinging of my cheek was suddenly replaced by the softness of your lips over mine.

I’ve possessed you, no, your body over and over yet you’ve been mocking me all this time, because I can see it all in your eyes. I can see that this is your revenge for what I did to you and it hurts more than anything else I’ve felt in my life, more than not being able to be chosen by Ixtli, more than the moment I knew Quon was going to leave me too. The message you’ve wanted to convey is clear. Your heart can never been swayed from the course that was predetermined years ago. Your soul and your love still belong to him after all this time and I can’t do anything about it. I’ve been used all over again to dull the heartache and the void and the loneliness and I’m helpless to do anything to stop it because I too, wish to drown my sorrows in this haze of passion and delude myself in the illusion that I’m not just a substitute for you. I want to believe that you are finally able to see me and love me. I believed my own fantasy until you looked at me and I grimly remembered your eyes have always been brutally honest.

You’re kissing me and the tears begin to fall down my face as my heart breaks…