Can you point to the moment where your whole life changed? I don’t mean minor things like passing entrance exams or graduating from school. I mean significant life change. Can you point to a moment that was so defining that you can mark your life as before and after that event? This moment must be a moment that haunts you; a moment that you replay over and over again.


I have. It was that day that I went to visit my big brother.


Now, I had been to his apartment before. Several times since he had moved out, actually. But he had never been home, regardless of all of my wanting and yearning for him to be there. I knew that we weren’t supposed to see each other, but I couldn’t stay away. I had all sorts of reasons to stop by. I worried that he wasn’t eating right. I had to get him the sweater that I had made; it was getting cold, after all. I came by and came by and came by.


Then one day he was home. I’m still not one hundred percent sure who fell first, but before I knew it, oranges were everywhere and I was on top of him.


At that point, neither one of us fought it. I came into the apartment. I cleaned as he left to get food. And yes, there was that confrontation with Chidori-san. But, even with her efforts, even though I believed her at first, it didn’t change the ending.


We knew it was wrong. There was no pretending about that. At that moment, we couldn’t see our lives without each other. I knew that no one, no woman, would ever love him as much as I did. And I was sure there would never be another man for me.


But all girls feel that way about their first intense love, don’t they?


At that moment, we made our decision. And it had consequences. We had to lie to our parents. Big brother quit his job. After I finished school, we moved away together. Far away. It was either that or ending it all. But we did end it all, in a way. The Koshiro and Nanoka we had been for our entire lives had to die. We rarely contacted our parents. We never contacted any of our old friends. Our whole life became a huge secret and we became other people.


Yes, I can point to the moment where my whole life changed. This is me, standing in the results of my decision. And, when I think back to that day, I am half sorry that I came.