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Cry-baby by Starsea

Cry-baby

By Starsea

Rating: PG


A Tsukino Usagi Story



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
You think you know me
But you don’t know my way around
Hell
Is just below me
And that’s why I keep falling down...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The tears are running down my face again.

It’s night. It’s silent. I look up through the sky to see the stars shining down upon me, the moon reflecting her pale light to soothe my skin.

My lips are wet. I wipe away the tears and continue to stare. Luna has long since fallen asleep. I remember those early days, when she used to stay up with me, nagging: “Do your homework, Usagi... Go to bed, Usagi... Transform, Usagi...” She hasn’t had to nag me in a long time. I smile, my lips trembling with the effort to be silent.

I wish that Luna would nag me again. But it’s all different now. I look at her, curled up in her basket with Artemis and Diana. The wounds on their heads leak white pus. Luna can’t talk. None of them can talk. All they can do is miaow at me,

Oh, these tears. There’s no end to them. No matter how fast I rub them away, more come flowing down. Shingo used to call me a waterfall when he was younger.

To my friends, I’m a cry-baby.

I was a cry-baby.

They think I don’t cry anymore. They think I’ve grown out of it. But it’s not that easy. It’s not that simple.

Paradoxes are never simple.

It’s a paradox, apparently, to be a cry-baby and yet be so happy. Ami-chan mentioned it to me once, a long time ago now. At least, it feels like a long time ago, though it was only two years.

Two years...

God, I’m talking like an old woman.

But I am an old woman, though you wouldn’t think it to look at me, or hear me speak. I’ve been reborn many times. I am an Old Soul. I have suffered pain and heartache and death. It’s why I don’t like to focus on them; been there, done that, can we move onto something more interesting?

The contradiction of being a ‘Pollyanna’ and a cry-baby.

I tried to explain to her. I’m not used to explaining things to Ami-chan (it’s usually the other way around, you see). Also, she likes logical explanations, and I’m not too good with logic. I don’t think I succeeded. She wrote what I said down, and thanked me. I think she discussed it with the others when I wasn’t there. When I was alone. And crying.

You want me to explain? I’ll try. I always try, though I rarely succeed. The moon’s light is soothing and it clears my head. Funny: the full moon drives other people crazy with love or rage or pain, but it leaves me as calm as glass. Not a ripple.

Just these tears falling down my cheeks.

Tears... I’ve always cried. Ever since I was little. But when I hit my fourteenth birthday, I began to cry a lot more than I had before. And people began to be less tolerant. Grow up. Stop snivelling. Don’t turn on those crocodile tears. Don’t wail like that. Haven’t you grown out of that by now? Big girls don’t cry...

Big girls.

I wasn’t a big girl. I’ve always been small for my age. It’s only now that I’ve started growing a little. I’ll never be Mako-chan’s height, but I don’t mind. Neither does Mamo-chan. If I grew too big, I wouldn’t be his Usako anymore.

Even Mamo-chan doesn’t truly understand my tears, though he tries, which is more than others do. He smiles, patiently, and wipes them away, patiently. He tells me not to be sad.

It’s not as simple as that. It’s not me that’s sad. It’s him. He’s so sad inside, I feel the pain, the hot burning scars.

How can I not cry?

The first time he told me of his childhood, his loneliness, I felt the pain burn inside me, burn in my eyes.

I managed to hold them back that time.

He often tells me I’m too sensitive.

It’s true. But at the same time, we both know that if I wasn’t this sensitive, I wouldn’t be able to reach him.

It’s not just my tears that reach inside Mamo-chan. It’s my smile as well. My laughter. The way I giggle when he tickles me. My smile lights the way for him in his dark world. I see all these things. The moon helps me to see. Moonlight blinds other people, but I see better at night than I do in the daytime. It’s why I’ve never tripped up in our senshi battles, not once. I wonder if anybody’s noticed that? I’m sure that Ami-chan has, and maybe Minako-chan. But they haven’t said anything to me. They think I’d take it as a criticism. I used to take a lot of things personally, you see. Maybe I still do.

But I can’t help it!

I can’t help thinking that this is all because of me... my crystal...

The moon is blank. Her face tells me nothing tonight.

I should go to bed.

I don’t want to be late in the morning.

It would not be a good idea to be late when you’re trying to save the world and all you hold dear. No, definitely not a good idea.

I don’t think Galaxia appreciates tardiness, either. She’s getting impatient with me. Just this evening, she tried to kill me when we were going home. She asked me if I believed in the future...

“Will your friends’ bodies really return to normal?”

They have to come back. They have to be alright. The future will come. I believe in it... I smile to myself, fighting back the tears. That’s all it needs: a little bit of faith. A little bit of faith in the girls, Mamo-chan and myself.

How can they have such faith in a cry-baby?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Don't care for me, don't cry
Let's say goodbye,
Adieu.
It's time to say goodbye...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It’s morning. I’m lying in bed. It’s early. Okaa-san will be worried if I go down now. Maybe I can just lie here... maybe it’s just another day...

Maybe pigs will start flying any minute.

I move, and Chibi Chibi wakes up. She jumps down from the bed – she’s so tiny – and gets herself dressed, humming happily. Just like Chibi Usa used to in the morning. I’d hear her as I went to the bathroom, the latest pop tune, or a lullaby that Neo-Queen Serenity sung to her as a baby. I miss Chibi Usa so much, like I miss Mamo-chan. Vital parts of me have disappeared.

Oh gods, I can’t think like this now, I’ll start crying – be strong, Usagi! For okaa-san’s sake, for otou-san’s sake... just like I have these past two years, protecting them from my double life. I’ll have to tell them someday... about Sailor Moon; about being the heir to a long-lost kingdom, and how this means I’m responsible for an entire planet...

But for now – I have a favour to ask. Okaa-san’s stunned that I’m up this early, I can see her checking me out automatically – I’m not too flushed, my voice is fine... I’m not ill. No, I can’t be ill, not today.

She seems to take the favour well, probably because Diana is so cute and fluffy, and Artemis is handsome. They lie quietly in my arms.

“What can I do? I guess we can talk about it. Are they friends of Luna-chan?”

“Husband and child,” I correct her, and explain. I only falter once. “Something happened... it’ll just be for a little while.”

“Okay, then.”

Thank-you, okaa-san. Thank-you so much. You’ll never know just how much I love you, how grateful I am to you and otou-san for raising me, for teaching me right and wrong. A kiss on your cheek, a kiss on his, and we’re off to the park.

“Give them lots of food! Sayonara!”

Sayonara – not itte kimasu. I’m leaving and I probably won’t be coming back.

I smile at them. I run out of the door smiling. Not a tear in my eye.

It’s important that their last memory of me is a smile. So many times they’ve seen me wailing, complaining, whining about such insignificant things... schoolwork... the weather... hunger pains... I don’t want them to remember me like that. I want them to remember me as a happy child.

There are tears in my eyes again, but I won’t let them fall.

I have work to do.


DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters, they were created by Naoko Takeuchi. English translation comes from Alex Glover on www.kurozuki.com/takeuchi/ First set of lyrics is from ‘No Connection’ by Sophie B. Hawkins. The second set is from ‘Adieu’ by Brian Richy, from Cowboy Bebop.

AUTHOR’S NOTES: I spent a lot of time on this one. It’s set in the manga Stars, mainly the night before Usagi’s meeting with the Starlights and Kakyuu to go and see the Outer Senshi... The cats can’t talk because they’ve been injured by Sailor Tin Nyanko. Galaxia has already taken all the senshi’s crystals.

There aren’t many Usagi-centred stories, and I haven’t ever found a story that focuses on Usagi in Stars, especially manga Usagi, who by this time is a far cry from the girl we meet in the first episode. I wanted to write a thoughtful Usagi story, not too angsty, but not happy either. I hope I accomplished it.

Comments?

Starsea xxx

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