All Kidding Aside by Kihin Ranno

Part One: Popping the Question

"Padfoot, could you pass the toast?"

"No, I will not pass the toast. I refuse to pass the toast. I will have nothing of your toast passing. Toast passing is for grandmothers and Slytherins! Toast passing is vile - the work of Satan - and I will have none of it! In fact, I suggest we all partake in a boycott against passing the toast. So decrees the Great and Mysterious and Beautiful and Charming and Altogether Wondrous Sirius--"

"Here's the toast, Peter."

"Thank you, Remus." Peter sounded annoyed at how long it took just to get a piece of toast. He was a growing boy. No mind that he was growing sideways.

"Moony!" Sirius whined and hopped down from where he was standing on his seat.
"You disrupted my flow! My flow of toast passing!"

Remus reached over and patted him on the head. "There, there, old chap. There shall be other dramatic monologues."

Sirius sighed woefully. "But none about toast boycotts."

"It's true," James supplied, his arm casually slung over Lily's shoulder. He did so at every available opportunity because a part of him was still in utter awe that she wasn't punching him for it anymore. "He never gives repeat performances."

"Peter was hungry," Remus countered sagely, sounding every bit a stodgy professor.

"He's had four slices already!" Sirius shouted, waving his arms as if to attempt to swoop around the Great Hall as surely that would prove his point.

"He has a very large stomach to fill."

There was a pregnant pause.

"Well, I'll grant you that."

"Hey!" Peter's cry of indignation was muffled by his beloved toast.

"In memoriam of Moony's ruthless slaughter of my rousing performance," Sirius pronounced tragically, "I shall never again pass another slice of toast. Perhaps I shall never pass anything else ever again for the rest of my miserable yet incredibly handsome existence."

"Padfoot, could you pass the butter?"

Sirius passed the butter without thinking. Peter took it happily, unsuccessfully suppressing his laughter. Sirius stared at his hand as if it had committed some great injustice against Britain and all mankind. He pointed at it, his finger shaking with emotion. "We're through, you and I. I'll draw up the divorce papers during History of Magic. And though they shall be illegible, they shall still… be."

Remus, Peter, and James looked at him dubiously.

Sirius kicked the table and pouted. "Moony, you have completely ruined me for the rest of the day! My wit is gone! Gone I say! Sailed away like Odysseus or Magellan or Christopher Columbus, the bloody wanker. Can't even follow a proper map."

"Well, there wasn't really proper map," Remus pointed out. "No one knew that North America was even there until he discovered it, so cartographers could hardly--"

"Moony," Sirius interrupted, laying a hand on the bookworm's shoulder. "I don't care."

Remus stared at him in disbelief. "You mean you don't care that you were wrong?"

"Not in the slightest," Sirius assured him. "And I still dislike Columbus, no matter what you say."

"But without him there would be no Syphilis," James joked.

"All the more reason to hate him," Sirius proclaimed. "Where do you think the madness in my family comes from?"

James nodded in understanding, now obviously affronted by the treason committed against the Diseased and Most Mental House of Black. "We must find this bloke, Columbus. There are apologies in order."

"I will not dig up a grave," Remus insisted, somewhat terrified that they were about to suggest it. "I will do many things for the sake of friendship, but do not ask me to shovel."

James and Sirius looked most disappointed in him.

"Could someone pass the jam?"

Sirius loaded a wad onto his spoon and flung it at Peter. Peter merely licked it on his face, thankful for his promptness.

"Mmm... Strawberry."

"You're mental," James said, trying not to laugh.

Peter didn't disagree. In fact, he looked as if he would start faking the symptoms of Multiple Personality Disorder at any moment just so no one thought that James Potter had been mistaken. Of course, he did not for there was still much toast to be consumed before such revelry could begin.

Sirius looked bored with all of them and then sat up, his ears perking up. He grabbed Remus and shook him, causing Remus to dump his hot chocolate on the second year sitting next to him. Therefore, Remus was paying Sirius absolutely no attention when Sirius shouted, "Snivellus! Snivellus is here! The day can now begin! Quick! Where are my dungbombs?"

All except Remus, who was dodging the second year's boot while trying to magic away the stain, turned to stare at Lily, awaiting the inevitable explosion...

That never came.

James looked at her as if the whole world had gone mad. Peter turned white and hid behind James, quite afraid of what this meant. Sirius grinned in triumph that he was now free to make mischief sans Lily lectures. Remus cried out in pain and fell back next to Sirius, clutching his shin.

"Ten points!" Remus called after the sprinting child, looking as if he was sorely tempted to pitch a fit but never would because he was sensible.

"Moony!" Sirius cried, shaking him again. "It's Lils! She no longer feels anger towards my life's work of defaming Snivellus! This is a historic day! Say something profound!"

"My leg hurts."

"Brilliance! Unparalled brilliance from a brilliant man!" Sirius exclaimed.

Meanwhile, James waved a hand in front of Lily's face. He couldn't remember the last time that she blinked and that scared him. "Lily? Lily? Are you all right?"

"She's more than all right, James!" Sirius rejoiced, actually partaking in an impromptu jig with Remus, doing a little twirl and dipping him magnificently to the envy of just about every female currently paying attention to the Gryffindor Golden Boys.

Sirius then dropped Remus without ceremony, clasping his hands in front of him, eyes sparkling. "She has finally decided to let our depravity rule. Victory is ours! Death to law and order! I declare anarchy!"

Remus dragged himself to his feet, glaring at Sirius. He then turned to Lily, noting how her vacant stare was trained upon him and Sirius. He instantly became self-conscious that he had sprouted ears and momentarily panicked. Not that such a thing had ever happened, but it was a common fear that overtook him whenever anyone stared at him for too long. When he realized he was wholly human, Remus became worried for Lily as opposed to about her. He tugged on Sirius' robes, knowing that this would grab the man's attention for reasons no one had ever been able to explain. "Sirius, I think something's actually wrong with her."

Sirius stopped in his merriment. He turned to Lily and gazed at her for a moment before stomping his foot. "Oh, bugger!"

No one was sure if he was now upset with himself for being a git or if he was upset that Lily would still be righteous and just when she snapped out of it.

James was beginning to sound hysterical. "Lily? Lily, blink. Speak. Breathe. Say something!"

"Do you think she's dead?" As always, Peter has said the worst possible thing at the worst possible time.

James actually looked as if he might faint at the suggestion. But rather than do that, like any Gryffindor man, he transferred panic into action, shaking Lily as if she were a rag doll, her head flopping about in a way that made Remus wince in sympathy.

"Lily! Speak to me! Don't be dead!"

After what seemed like an eternity of painful flopping, Lily did indeed speak to James. "What? What's going on? What are you doing?"

James hugged her rather stupidly. "Oh, thank God. You're not dead. You're alive, and you're angry with me."

"Things are as they should be," Remus coined, tenderly massaging the various and sundry bruises he had received all through breakfast.

"And Snivellus has left the building," Sirius whined, flopping down next to Remus, flinging himself onto the boy so that he may as well have been in his lap. "You know, he never stays long anymore."

"Can't imagine why he'd do such a thing," Remus remarked glibly.

Sirius let out another tragic moan before turning to Lily. He remained atop Remus who went on with breakfast as if he there was not a 180 pound sack of hair gel in his lap. "So, where'd you fly off to Lily? Dreaming of all of the law abiding citizens you'll give birth to that I will subsequently corrupt because I have drawn up a blood oath binding me to such things?"

Lily stared at him. Or perhaps she stared at Remus or the two of them together like she'd been doing earlier. For a moment, they thought maybe she'd done gone into another trance and prepared themselves to save her from James's well meaning panic. However, she suddenly turned so red that it didn't look like she even had freckles anymore.

"Well, must be off then - can't be late for class you know because class is important and it mustn't be missed and oh, how I love class and all things to do with classes like professors and students and quills and parchment and shagging and learning and--"

"And shagging?" Sirius questioned as Peter spit out a wad of toast that Remus just barely managed to duck. "What classes are you taking and may I please have my schedule altered immediately?"

Lily stared at him and Remus again. Then she fled without another word.

They all looked after her in various stages of confusion and bewilderment. James immediately launched into a whirlwind of quick deduction. He thought about what Lily had been staring at and quickly amended it to who. And then he remembered that there had been several other instances in which Lily had been staring off into space, but she was usually easily retrieved. However, it seemed that she was always staring at the same thing. James quickly amended that thought to person. And then he thought of this person and their reputation and their history and their hormones. And he was suddenly filled with what he believed to be perfectly reasonable and righteous fury, never once thinking about that adage about not burning your chickens before you built them.

After coming to this perfectly sound conclusion, James turned to Sirius. He looked at him with a strange combination of disbelief, betrayal, confusion, fury, and profound sadness. Sirius and Remus looked back at him, their own faces a tumult of feeling, the foremost being bewilderment. Peter turned to his toast because toast was simple and toast would not stare at him.

Peter was about to bite into his toast when he realized that two of the burn marks looked suspiciously like eyes, looking up at him reproachfully.

He threw it away and decided perhaps he should boycott toast after all.

-----


The rest of the day continued in relatively strange fashion. Lily for one did everything in her power to avoid all four of the Marauders for the rest of the day, turning absolutely scarlet whenever one of them looked in her direction. She was so focused on avoiding them that she didn't notice that the group of four had shifted into two duos, Remus and Sirius opposing James and Peter. Of course, she was always painfully aware of how close the former pair were to one another and how they finished each other's sentences and touched each other subtly and far too often for her peace of mind. But so obsessed was she with these two that she didn't notice her own boyfriend or how murderous he seemed.

It wasn't until much later, when she was sitting in the Common Room pretending to write an essay she'd already finished that she realized something was wrong. And that was mostly only because Oliver Howell, the other Beater for the Gryffindor Quidditch Team, had come up to her with some very sizeable bruises adorning his burly frame.

"Er... Lily?" he asked tentatively, seeming wary of disturbing her.

Lily looked up from where she was writing complete and utter nonsense, once again marveling at how this Sixth Year, who was three times her size, treated her as if she was a ticking time bomb. She arched an eyebrow. "What is it Oliver?"

"Umm..." he began, gingerly pressing some of his bandages into place. "You see. Well, the thing is--"

"What on Earth happened to you?" Lily asked, her voice concerned as she finally noticed just how badly he was hurt. "Was there an accident during Quidditch practice? I'd meant to watch like I normally do, but... I had homework."

Actually, Lily had thought she'd go absolutely lunatic if she had to sit and watch their practice with Remus and Peter like she usually did. Because while she was helping Peter with his homework, she would note every single time Remus dropped out of the conversation in favor of watching Sirius.

Oliver soured considerably at the mention of Quidditch, a phenomenon that almost made Lily glance out the window to see if the end of the world was at hand. "Well, I wouldn't call it an accident... You see, James and Sirius got into a bit of a row on the pitch. Mid air as a matter of fact. It was quite impressive as long as one remained a spectactor. I made the mistake of getting in the middle of it."

Lily merely gaped at him. After awhile, she finally managed to croak out something that may or may not have been, "What happened?"

"I'm honestly not sure," Oliver answered, relaxing considerably in her presence. "I couldn't understand most of it the way they were zipping about. I did hear your name mentioned a few times though, so I thought you might know what happened."

Lily whirled to glance at where the boys always sat, procuring the best furniture in front of the fire. They were in their usual unassigned assigned seats, but the dynamic was quite different. Peter looked as if he might burst into tears at any given moment, looking between James and Sirius as if unable to decide between them. Sirius and James just glared at each other. They had their own impressive sets of cuts and scrapes, but then that was nothing knew. Remus for one was somehow managing to carry on a very rousing conversation all on his own. He was composed as ever, but she saw him swallow several times in the span of ten seconds.

"I just thank God Remus was there," Oliver added. "He pulled them apart when they finally hit the ground. Would have killed each other otherwise." He paused. "He's stronger than he looks. He actually slung Sirius over his shoulder and carried him off the field."

That sent off the usual alarm in her head, but she swiftly ignored it and got to her feet. She left Oliver wordlessly, striding over to where the four were sitting. Lily hadn't even the faintest hint of a guess as to what had happened, but she partially blamed herself for having not noticed in favor of her obsession with Remus and Sirius. Therefore, she set it upon herself to men whatever rift had formed.

"And so then Dad had to go traipsing out into the snow to try and find the gerbil, but it was rather difficult seeing as he didn't have any pants on, you see. And"
Remus stopped in mid-sentence when he saw Lily coming. His expression heralded her as if she was a choir of angels floating down from heaven to save him from having to continue that story. "Oh, well look who's here!"

Rather than actually turn to look at her, James leveled a deadly glare at Sirius that would have made a lesser man turn an Unforgivable Curse on himself in order to avoid it. And then he addressed her, annoying Lily to no end. "Hello, Lily. Haven't seen much of you today."

"James Potter, don't try and change the subject," Lily snapped, choosing not to acknowledge the fact that they hadn't been on any subject to begin with. "Oliver looks as if he was vacationing in France during the German invasion. He told me about the fight and said he heard my name. James, you can either tell me what's wrong now or I can beat it out of you now. Your decision."

"That's our cue to go," Peter said with a sigh, slowly getting up from his chair. He obviously did not feel like moving at that point, although he was supremely relieved that this issue was being resolved. However, he did not want to be there while on the road to resolution as that would have meant sitting through the uncomfortable and inevitable argument.

"No, you don't," Lily voiced abruptly, shoving Peter down into his chair with strength that surprised no one in the group. She followed that up by giving Sirius and Remus a look that clearly told them that they should not even think about moving if they were at all partial to their limbs. "I know that you're all involved in this... Whatever it is. None of you are leaving until I get to the bottom of it, and that's final."

Seeing as there was a good reason they had nicknamed her Hurricane Lily in their Second Year, no one protested.

"Lily," James began, his cold facade melting away for reasons only he could understand. His voice was strained and muffled by his hands. He very clearly had a headache, though no one was sure if that was due to the situation or the earlier brawl. "I... It's..."

Not known for her abundant patience, Lily felt the need to hurry this along. "Oh, just spit it out, James."

"I don't know what's going on with you!" James blurted in typical fashion. He buried his hands in his unruly locks to give his hands something to do. "You have been acting... really weird for awhile now, and today was the last straw what with the..." He gestured weakly. "Things. And such."

Not for the first time since they'd began dating, Lily failed to follow his logic. "So... You hit Sirius?"

Sirius looked as though he had been vindicated. "See! She doesn't understand it either!"

James snarled in a way that sounded very unnatural. "Shut it, Sirius!"

"I like tea," Remusremarked suddenly. "Tea and chocolate. Both are very good things. Especially together I find. Why don't we all think about tea and chocolate and not bludgeoning and murder?"

Peter whimpered something about toast.

"Stop!" Lily shouted, throwing her hands out to prevent anything else from being said. "I asked for an explanation, not more confusion. Could someone please tell me what the hell is going on?"

The four men exchanged wary glances before all responding at once. Seeing as this had happened on several occasions, Lily was quite used to sorting through the madness.

"That prat over there got it into his head that--"

"You're always looking at Sirius, and--"

"Lily, I tried to explain to him that he was being ridiculous, but--"

"I just don't like the way you look at him all the time!"

"James seems to have it in his head that I'm a woman stealer. And while that is true--"

"You know how they get Lily. I tried, honestly. But sometimes--"

"He spends the whole day glaring at me like I did something horrible--"

"He finally brought it up in the middle of Quidditch practice. I think he was pretending to consult with Padfoot on something to do with the Quiffle or whatever that ball is."

"And then when I asked him about it--"

"I denied it because it wasn't true--"

"And he didn't even deny it! He just started yelling at me!"

"Actually, James couldn't hear him deny it because he was too busy trying to beat him over the head with his own bat."

"So, I kicked him--"

"Punched him."

"Trounced him."

"Tossed him about."

"Side-swiped him."

"Knocked him off his broom."

"No, I knocked HIM off HIS broom."

"Well, the point is, they both ended up on the ground."

"And I think maybe Oliver was there a few times--"

"Can't actually recall. Too busy bashing your boyfriend's sorry head in."

"Finally, I had to go down there and yank them apart."

"I would have won if Moony hadn't interfered."

"And then Moony came to my rescue, carrying me off into the sunset and back to our room where he had his way with me. It was all very cinematic."

"I was just trying to have a slice of toast!"

And while now Lily was fairly sure she knew what was going on, she still felt perfectly justified in staring at each of them soundly and then shouting, "What the bloody hell are you all going on about!"

James muttered something decidedly unsavory under his breath, prompting Sirius to turn a very becoming shade of fuchsia. Before the row could begin anew, Remus reached out and put a hand on Sirius's shoulder. His anger seemed to dissipate almost immediately. It was not an uncommon occurrence. At least where Remus was concerned.

"Lily," Remus began, pinching the bridge of his nose and looking very old. "Do forgive me for asking this as I think its complete rubbish. But are you and Sirius shagging?"

She had never been so keenly aware of the meaning of the word irony.

Lily gave James a withering glare. "You thought I was cheating on you with Sirius?"

He had to admit, hearing it aloud did make it sound pretty ridiculous. "Well. It's just that... Well, you have to admit, you were acting... That is... I mean. I... It... Bugger."

"I always said you were an eloquent bloke, Prongs," Sirius drawled, tossing his hair slightly.

"You thought," Lily repeated, the vein in her left temple beginning to throb. The sight of which always made Peter prepare to duck and cover, refusing to acknowledge that it would do as much good as it would have done against the atomic bomb. "I was cheating on you... with Sirius?"

Sirius looked quite offended. "I will have you know that you would have forgotten James Potter even existed if--"

"Padfoot, do you really think this is a good time to bring that up?" Remus asked, sounding irritatingly sensible.

"No, but that doesn't mean that--"

"Oh, be quiet," Lily snapped, rounding on James. "Sometimes, I can't believe the things that go on inside your head. I have not nor have I ever been romantically interested in Sirius. I can't even wrap my brain around the image. It just isn't natural! Like donkeys and rabbits!"

"I wonder which is which," Peter mused aloud.

Thankfully, no one noticed.

"I am with you, James," Lily continued. "Just you. There is no one else. And as long as I am with you, there will never be anyone else. And frankly, I'm highly upset with you at the moment for even dreaming that I would cast my sights on any other man. It's lucky for you we had this out in front of witnesses, or I would have tossed you into the fireplace by now."

In spite of that fact that he was teetering on the razor's edge of death, James grinned widely and hugged Lily abruptly, taking her off guard. She yelped as James lifted her off the ground, spinning her about and ignoring her protests. He laughed uproariously. "That's the girl I know!"

Lily glared at him. "Put me down this instant, or I will make Sirius hex you."

"Why don't you hex me?" James asked incredulously.

"She's in love with the rules, mate," Sirius observed, shaking his head like a disapproving father. "They'll always come before you."

James sighed sadly. "Woe is me." He then released her quickly, catching her in another embrace before she hit the ground. He kissed her soundly before she could begin lecturing him again, promptly forgetting about why she'd been so angry with him in the first place.

Sirius snorted, propping his feet up on Remus's knees and leaned back in a manner of affected casualness. "Such a loving, tender relationship those two have. She threatens his life and limbs, and everything makes sense again." He paused for a moment. "Then again, compared to my parents, it's a very healthy relationship I suppose."

"Seeing as your mother has a tendency to turn your father into a worm on a regular basis, I'm inclined to agree," Remus remarked smoothly.

"That's just how they show they hate each other."

Remus frowned, looking at Sirius from between his bangs that had become streaked with grey towards the end of their sixth year. He raised an eyebrow at Sirius and asked, "How might they show they love each other?"

"Whips and chains."

Peter shuddered, covering his ears. "I really do not want to hear this."

Sirius gave Peter a lopsided grin. "Then you really don't want to hear what Moony and I are up to."

Remus nodded in agreement. "It would probably kill you."

Lily abruptly broke off the kiss, which had actually escalated to a rather good snogging session. She had decided at some point throughout this harrowing ordeal that it would be necessary to come out and ask the question she'd been dreading for some time. She'd nearly brought about World War Three as a result of her obsessive curiosity. It wasn't an experience she cared to repeat.

"About that," she muttered, making everyone extremely nervous once again. "A certain... thing has been bothering me about the two of you for a long time."

Sirius and Remus exchanged a habitually guilty glance.

"What did you do?" Remus was naturally suspicious of his friend as he did have this wonderful knack for getting himself into trouble.

Sirius failed to grasp this concept. "Why do you always assume that I did something? How do I know you didn't do something?"

"When have I ever done anything of the sort?"

"Of what sort?"

"Of whatever sort she's talking about."

"Oh, THAT sort."

"Yes, that would be the sort I was speaking of that she is speaking of."

"I wonder what sort of sort it is."

"Its a right bit unsavory I expect."

"You're right. I must have done something."

"You see," Lily interrupted loudly before that could continue. "I was umm... Oh, this is somewhat embarrassing. You see, I was actually looking at both of you this morning. I'm always looking at both of you as a matter of fact. It hasn't just been Sirius."

"I feel as if I should make some sort of comment here about you being incredibly kinky," Sirius mused. "However, seeing as I enjoy my legs attached to my body, I shall remain silent."

"And that was a most effective way of doing so, Padfoot," Remus assured him.

"Wait a minute," Lily said, something dawning on her. "Why did you all assume I was looking just at Sirius? I could have been looking at Remus as well. And that would actually make some sort of sense. We were prefects together, and I never proclaimed my undying hatred for him in a public forum."

"Did you proclaim it privately?" Remus looked a bit worried. "Not that you can actually proclaim things privately. Well, you can but it would be rather worrisome if you did so, and--"

"No, Remus, I didn't," Lily finally drawled.

Remus looked quite relieved.

James flushed, seeing her point instantly, and could think of only one intelligent argument to make in his defense. "Err..."

Remus sighed in a long suffering kind of way, looking as if the previous transaction between he and Lily had never taken place. Sirius was giving him an odd look, but no one else seemed to notice. "They all think I'm too good of a person to be connected with anything so unseemly. I try to be just as much of a deviant and rogue as them, and yet I cannot shake this virtuous mantle... Oh, God damn my morality!"

"Yeah, that's it," James murmured, having the grace to be embarrassed.

Sirius gestured dramatically, seeing the opportunity to seize the spotlight back into his rightful possession and taking it. "And, of course, all of the blame falls onto my delicate, shapely shoulders. For, after all, I am the designated... designated... What's a good word for this, Moony?"

"Whore." Remus seemed very confident in this assessment.

"Cassanova! That's it," Sirius exclaimed, completely ignoring what Remus had actually said. "Therefore, I am but a speck of dust on the shoe of the god-like James Potter, who stole his love away from him because I have an insatiable appetite for the carnal pleasures life has to offer. Although, and I am completely impartial in this opinion, I am the sexiest speck of dust in all of Britain. And I'm not so much a speck of dust as I am John Lennon with better hair. Who is, by his own admission, greater than Jesus."

James turned a deeper shade of red, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. "Yeah. You're right. I was a bit of a--"

"Bastard?" Sirius suggested.

"How about idiotic cretin?" Remus added.

Peter, who was always a little more reluctant about insulting one of his idols, had something to offer to the conversation. "You were being kind of a prat, Prongs." He paused. “Hey, that rhymes.”

Remus appeared as if not correcting Peter was physically painful for him.

"Yes. Yes, I was," James ground out, doing his best not to become irritated with his friends when they were being completely reasonable and truthful. "And I'm sorry for thinking that you did that Padfoot... and Lily. And Remus, I'm sorry that I didn't think you were a big enough son of a bitch to have done anything like that. And Peter, I'm sorry you have to sit through all of this when it really has nothing to do with you."

Sirius shrugged. "Hey, I probably would have done it if she'd been interested." He punctuated his statement by winking at Lily lecherously.

Remus nodded slightly, saying, "And I am too good a person to do that."

Peter smiled a little, settling back into his chair. "Actually, this is all rather entertaining."

"Anyway," Remus said, ever wanting to remain on task. "What is it that Sirius and I did exactly? I don't quite understand the point to all of this."

Sirius straightened a little, appearing mortally wounded. "And here I thought I'd been on my best behavior around you! I mean sure, I do purposely talk about all of the things we do the Slytherins, specifically ickle Sevviekins, because it ticks you off. And yes, I do refuse to knock on the door to our room when I know full well that you and James are in there despite the number of times I've caught you two snogging. Then, I do spend a good fifteen minutes mercilessly harassing you about it, critiquing James on his technique and such. And I go about announcing the incident throughout the halls of Hogwarts, asking for suggestions for baby names and campaigning to become Godfather of your first born. And I brag about all the things I excel, which can go on endlessly and for all eternity I might add because I am just amazing when you get right down to it. And I often refuse to shower after Quidditch practice, but really that's more to annoy Remus than you. You just always happen to be around. Honest! And I did hex your sister at the train station at Christmas, but I really do think that the boils were an immense improvement on her appearance, and I saw you laugh no matter how much you deny it! And..." He finally trailed off, mostly because he needed to take a breath. He then took a moment to consider his conduct. "Huh. What do you know? I have been a bit of a git, haven't I?"

"That's five minutes of my life I'm never getting back." Peter shook his head, saddened by the loss.

Sirius threw a pillow at Peter's head, and then went right back to talking. "But Remus has been an absolute angel. He's always an absolute angel. Outside of the bedroom that is."

"Well, that's a given," Remus concluded soundly.

"That!" Lily shouted, waking up a Fifth Year frantically studying for OWL exams months in advance.

"What that?" Sirius asked cautiously. Lily looked as if she might explode at any given moment, and he did not want to be caught in the crossfire.

Lily rolled her eyes, exasperated. "What you just did!"

Remus raised an eyebrow, "Being male?"

"We can't really alter that, Lily. Although, I would be a rather fetching bird if I do say so myself. Moony already looks so much like a girl that it wouldn't make much of a difference."

"I'm going to take that compliment in the spirit in which it was intended."

Lily sighed. She was going to have to be blunt. It wasn't the sort of thing she often found to be terribly difficult, but this really was a very difficult sort of question to ask. She looked over to Remus, the more serious of the two, gazing at him in a way that sobered him instantly.

Sure that something critical was wrong, Remus's entire body went tense. He furrowed his brow and said, "Lily. What is it?"

Lily took a very deep breath and told herself it was better to ask it then always be wondering.

"Are you and Sirius shagging?"




Coming Soon – Part Two: A Modest Opinion

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