La Lumière d'Amour by Kihin Ranno

Part Eight: La Connaissance

When Minako got back to her hotel room, she walked straight into the bathroom. She didn't even have time to pull the door closed behind her before she began to vomit violently. There wasn’t much in her stomach, so much of it was dry heaving, but it still left her feeling drained and hollow by the time she was finished. Then she lay down on the tiles and didn't move for a very long time.

She wasn't sure whether or not she fell asleep, but she knew that she fell into some sort of unconscious state at that time. She could be certain of this only because of how she was brought out of it. She suddenly became cognizant of the sound of her phone ringing filling the small space of her room.

Minako wasn't sure what exactly prompted her to pick herself up off the floor and walk into the main room to answer it, but she did. She didn't even croak out a hoarse greeting before the person on the other end began talking, speaking in a language Minako hadn't heard in weeks.

"Minako? Minako are you there?"

"Usagi..." Minako whispered in disbelief, almost too softly for the other girl to hear it across the sea. She didn’t know whether she was relieved or dismayed by the sound of Usagi’s voice. She didn't know if she could feel anything at all.

Usagi breathed a sigh of relief, her anxious tone no longer present. "Minako, thank goodness! We've been trying to reach you for the past couple days, but you haven't been answering your phone. Was it broken or something? Oh, well. It doesn't really matter. It's just nice to hear your voice so that we know you're all right. Makoto and Rei were talking about booking a flight to come find you if we didn't hear from you soon. I can't wait to tell them that everything's okay. So, what have you been up to lately? Are you still having fun with Alan?"

Minako didn't know at what point during Usagi's monologue that she'd started crying again, but pretty soon she was curled up on her floor again, sobbing hysterically into the mouthpiece with Usagi's voice trying to soothe her on the other end. Any numbness she had forced upon herself fell away. Within moments, all of her grief was pouring out of her uncontrollably, like a river breaking down a dam. Minako didn’t know how she was going to block it again.

"Minako, please tell me what's wrong," Usagi insisted after trying to calm her down for several minutes, sounding as if she was about to start crying herself.

"Oh, Usagi..." Minako choked out, clenching her knees to her chest. She was gasping, trying to fill her lungs with much needed air and having minimal success. "I've done something terrible."

“It couldn’t have been that bad, Minako,” Usagi soothed. “You’re overreacting.”

Minako shook her head vehemently, forgetting for a moment that Usagi couldn’t see her. When she realized that, her shoulders jerked a few more times. “No, I’m not. Not at all. I... I’m horrible, I--"

“Minako, please stop it,” Usagi begged, her own voice shaking. “You’re scaring me. Besides, you’re my friend and I know you. You wouldn’t do anything--"

“Don’t you see? That’s why I don’t want to tell you,” Minako sobbed, rubbing at her eyes with her free hand. “Because you don’t think I could.”

Usagi paused for a moment, probably collecting herself. A few seconds later, her voice came over the line again, steady as iron and gentle as a breeze. “Minako, I know that you feel awful. And I also know that you’re not going to feel better unless you tell me what’s wrong so that I can help you. You don’t have to face this alone. I know that I’m not there, but that doesn’t mean that I’m powerless. Please, tell me what happened.”

Minako swallowed and sobbed again, tangling her fingers in her hair. Before she knew it, she was telling Usagi everything, unable to keep it in any longer. She told her about her feelings for Alan, and Katarina’s miscarriage, and the night she’d spent with him and the fight that afternoon. Minako didn’t leave out a single detail, though sometimes she elaborated a bit too much on her own motivations and shortcomings in the situation. By the time she’d finished, Minako was almost completely cried out with only the occasional tear coursing down her soaked cheeks.

Usagi let her tell the entire story without interruption, occasionally making noises just to reassure Minako that the connection hadn’t been lost. When Minako was finished, Usagi didn’t immediatly respond, which Minako thought was the worst reaction she could have. “You hate me, don’t you?” she asked.

“Of course I don’t,” Usagi said gently. “I’m just... God, Minako, I am so sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Minako sniffed, rubbing her eyes on her bare arm. “I’m the one that screwed up. You shouldn’t be sorry for me.”

“No,” Usagi answered. “I’m sorry that I can’t be there for you right now. It must be horrible, being alone like this after everything that’s happened.”

Minako had to admit that Usagi was right. She had never so desperately wanted a hug in her entire life, and considering that she was something of a glutton for physical contact, that was saying something. Still, she shook her head and said, “I don’t deserve any sympathy, Usagi. Katarina hates me and Alan’s even more miserable and--"

“Minako,” Usagi interrupted. “Stop.”

“But I--" Minako started.

“No,” Usagi said firmly. “Stop.”

Minako didn’t know why, but she did.

Usagi let out a puff of air that Minako somehow knew was not a sigh. “Minako, I want – no, I need you to listen to me right now. Are you listening?”

Minako nodded, forgetting again. “Yes,” she said after a moment.

“I know that you feel wretched after what happened,” Usagi said, her voice so kind that Minako almost started crying again. “And that’s okay. You know that you made a mistake. You’re more than allowed to feel guilty. Just like you’re allowed to be hurt about how Katarina feels and just like you’re allowed to be upset with Alan for how he’s behaved. And just like you were and even are allowed to have feelings for him.”

Minako shook her head, disagreeing. “He’s married. I had no business to feel that way.”

“Minako, you can’t help how you felt about him,” Usagi insisted gently. “He was your first love, and that sort of thing is very powerful. It’s no wonder he still had a hold over you after all this time. Especially given how things ended.”

Minako sniffled, fumbling around for a box of tissues. “What do you mean?”

“You didn’t get closure,” Usagi reminded her. “You left London before you could tell Alan and Katarina how you felt. Even though you saw Katarina a year later and smoothed things out with her, you never settled your issues with Alan. And you shouldn’t blame yourself for that, either. You didn’t just run away from London. You left to go back to Tokyo, where you were needed.”

Minako sighed, finding the box of tissues and pulling the phone away to blow her nose. “I let him go. I thought I let him go on the docks.”

“I think you did,” Usagi said. “Maybe you just… started holding on again once you saw him.”

Minako shook her head, leaning her forehead on the heel of her hand. “I shouldn’t have let myself do this. I’m supposed to be a good person. I thought I was one.” She sniffled again. “You know?”

“You made a mistake,” Usagi repeated. “That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.”

“I don’t feel like a good one,” Minako admitted quietly.

Usagi paused again before speaking. “Minako, why don’t you come home?”

Minako flinched, bowing her head. “I don’t know if I can.”

“What’s left for you in Paris but grief?” Usagi asked tenderly. “We’re all here for you, Minako. We’ll do whatever you want. We’ll… help you gorge on ice cream and watch the sappiest movies ever made and do anything else you need us to. But we can’t do that while you’re over there, so please. Come home.”

Minako thought about it for a moment. Usagi was right. There was no point in wallowing in Paris. There was no point in wallowing in any foreign city, period. She wanted someone to hug her and someone to talk to while she could look them in the face. She wanted Usagi’s comfort and Makoto’s cookies and Ami’s rationality and Rei’s rantings about Alan’s idiocy, even if it wasn't true. She wanted all of that, and she could only get that in Tokyo.

“Promise that you won’t tell the others?” Minako asked after a moment. “I’m not saying that we hide it, but... if they’re going to be told, I want to be the one to tell them. Okay?”

“Whatever you want,” Usagi said, her voice becoming lighter. “Does this mean you’ll come back?”

“Yes. I’m coming home.”

-----

Minako had booked her flight back to Japan almost immediately after hanging up the phone. She had taken the earliest flight she could get, which meant that she was leaving the next day at mid-morning. She had to transfer a few times to get the cheapest rate, but it was worth the aggravation to get out of Paris and go back to Tokyo.

Minako spent her time packing trying not to think about the catastrophe she had helped to create, but naturally that only drew her attention to it. After talking with Usagi, she was able to look at everything with a slightly more objective eye. Since she was no longer falling to pieces every few minutes, she was able to notice some things that she hadn’t been aware of before. None of her realizations were particularly pleasant, but she was able to handle them since she knew that she was going to be back home before too long.

Not surprisingly, Minako had bought enough souvenirs to fill another suitcase. It was a good thing that Katarina had anticipated this and loaned her one fairly early on in the trip. She'd told Minako that she would get it back when she and Alan got around to visiting Tokyo at some point in time.

Minako supposed now she was going to have to mail it back.

Before thinking about that could upset her, Minako gathered up her three pieces of luggage and went downstairs to the lobby. She'd arranged for a cab to pick her up at the hotel and take her to the airport with the front desk the night before. She wasn't looking forward to spending the money as it would leave her almost completely without cash, but it would have to be done.

Minako walked out of the main doors and spotted her cab. She also spotted a very familiar face leaning against it. She frowned, walking forward. He didn't so much as flinch. She was having a hard time doing the same.

"What are you doing here, Alan?" she asked softly. He was quite possibly the last person she wanted to see. She had been counting on slipping out of the country without having to see or speak with this man again, and seeing him standing there was like him standing on her already broken heart. She didn't want it, and she didn't want him, but she had a feeling that she wasn't going to have much of a choice in either category.

Alan straightened up, shoving his hands in his pockets. "I knew that you'd leave as quickly as you could after what happened."

Minako smiled grimly. "I suppose it is my modus operandi," she admitted. She closed her eyes, suddenly remembering times when things had been good between all three of them, and not wanting those memories. Perhaps someday she could look on them fondly again, but right now they could give her nothing but pain. And the last thing Minako needed was more pain. She opened her eyes. "But that doesn't explain what you're doing here," she pointed out.

Alan glanced down at the ground. He shuffled his feet a bit, having the decency to look sheepish at last. "I wanted to see you. Before you left."

Minako looked at him for a moment. She pursed her lips tightly enough to taste her lip gloss. "Is that all you want?"

Alan hesitated, knowing full well what she meant. "I would like to talk to you."

"I'm not so sure--" Minako started, shaking her head.

"Mina, the last time everything fell apart, you left and I spent a year thinking you were dead," Alan said suddenly, his voice tight. "We never got closure, and then you came here and..."

Minako stared at him, marveling at how he was repeating what she and Usagi had discussed the night before. "You want closure on our infidelity?"

Alan shut his eyes, running a hand through his hair. "Please don't make this more difficult than it needs to be. It's already meant to be... bloody hard enough."

She kept looking at him, still unsure about whether or not this was a good idea. On the one hand, she couldn't say there was anything wrong with closure. Not getting it had certainly contributed to what had occurred between them. Additionally, there were some things she should clear up with him, and it was likely the same with him.

On the other hand, her first instinct was to get away. She wanted to run away just like she had when she was thirteen and distract herself from thinking about him. He was right. Talking would be hard. She didn't want to put up with the difficulty. She wanted to go back to Tokyo and move on with her life and never have to think about it again.

"I need to get to the airport," she said neutrally.

"I can drive you," he answered.

Minako looked at him for another long moment, before glancing away, singling out his car amongst the others. She nodded, handing him two of her bags before turning and sending the cab driver away, paying him a modest amount for the trouble of driving out to the hotel.

Running away was something the thirteen year-old Minako had done. It was childish, and she couldn't do that. If there was anything this experience had taught her, she could no longer act like a child.

She got into the car and glanced over at his seat. She noticed that he had adjusted it that time. She guessed he didn't care about upsetting Katarina anymore.

They drove for awhile in silence, neither willing to begin what they both knew would be a difficult conversation. But unlike their old silences, Minako couldn't say that she found it comfortable. It was of little surprise or consequence to her when she spoke up.

"I am sorry," she said quietly.

Alan shook his head, looking out at the road. "You shouldn't be. I'm just as much at fault as you are."

"Maybe," she said, finding that she couldn't believe that yet, even if it did turn out to be true. "But I'm still sorry."

"Why?" he asked.

Minako heaved a quiet sigh, leaning her head on the back of the seat. "For not being stronger."

Alan glanced over at her, perhaps to try and find some words to comfort her. The words never came, and Minako was glad of it. She wasn't going to be soothed after what had happened. She would accept support if it was offered to her, but not from him. This was something she was going to have to come to grips with on her own, and she was going to do it in Tokyo. There was nothing left for her in Paris.

They drove for a little while longer before she spoke again. "I suppose this is a rather idiotic question, but... How is Katarina?"

Alan's eyes darkened, his fingers tightening on the steering wheel. "She kicked me out."

Minako nodded. "I would have assumed that much."

"I think..." Alan said, his voice just a bit too loud. "I think that she's going to look into getting a divorce."

Minako looked over at him, her eyes sympathetic. She knew that she could now file herself under the home-wrecker category, but she also understood that Alan and Usagi had been right. She might not have tried to help their marriage, but she had only kicked a dead tree. "How are you handling that?"

"I'm not," Alan admitted. "Not yet. I'm just sort of... numb at the moment."

Minako chewed on the inside of her cheek, looking down at the floor of the car, which was in serious need of vacuuming. "Are you going back to London?"

Alan sighed, apparently not having even thought that far ahead. "I don't know yet."

"Your family could help you, Alan," Minako told him seriously.

"Are you so sure they'd be willing?" Alan asked. "After I... ruined my marriage?"

"We're all at fault," Minako said sadly, taking care not to say that the blame was evenly distributed. "You know that."

Alan nodded, knowing she was right. "I'm just not sure other people will see it that way. Katarina's going to come out looking the best in all this."

Minako couldn't quite decide if she heard a trace of bitterness in his tone. She suspected that she did. "That's probably for the best. Help and support will be forced on her whether she likes it or not. She'll get better that way."

Alan blinked, probably not having thought of that. His features softened considerably and if that bitterness had indeed been there before, it was gone now. "I hope you're right," he said softly.

A few more moments passed before he suddenly spoke again. "She doesn't want to see you. I tried to help that, but… She said that she never wants to hear from you again." He paused. “She told me to tell you that if I saw you.”

Minako sighed, closing her eyes. "I had figured on that."

He glanced over at her, looking worried. "Are you all right with that?"

"No," Minako answered. "I'm not. But I just... I just knew it was coming."

Alan swallowed, his voice brightening in an attempt at optimism. "She may change her mind you know. I mean, she's stubborn and everything, but--"

"She's not going to change her mind," Minako said forcefully. "We both know that."

She could feel Alan looking at her and it made her fidget in her seat. "I think she still loves you."

"The problem is that she also can't stand to look at me," Minako added. "I highly doubt that that's going to change any time soon."

Alan didn't respond immediately. She could tell that he was scowling, like a heat radiating from his seat in the car. She could also hear it when he did speak, as if it was coming out through clenched teeth. "This wasn't supposed to happen."

"We let it happen," Minako said, perhaps in a tone that could be interpreted as being cold.

"I didn't want it to happen," Alan amended.

Minako straightened in her seat, shaking her head. She felt wetness begin to form beneath her eyelids, but she didn't open them for fear of them spilling over. "Oh, Alan... Please don't lie."

A few moments later, they had pulled up in front of the airport. He turned to her, looking as though she had slapped him. "I didn't want to ruin my marriage or make Katarina hate you."

"Then say that," Minako instructed, reaching for her bags in the back seat. "Don't say you didn't want it to happen because you did. And so did I." She paused, struggling to push her door open. Once she managed it, she looked back at him and said, "That's why it's hurt Katarina so much."

Alan obviously didn't know what to say to that, so he didn't say anything at all.

"Goodbye, Alan," Minako said after a moment, the finality of her statement shaking her a bit.

"We'll see each other again," Alan said, his voice hopeful. "Won't we?"

Minako looked at him skeptically and shook her head, climbing out of the car. "No, I don't think we will, Alan."

Alan sighed, his jaw clenching. "I don't mean--"

"I know," Minako interrupted gently. "But that doesn't change my mind."

"Why not?" he asked, his eyes going wide with grief. "I've already lost my wife. Why do I have to lose my friend too?"

She couldn't help but feel sympathetic for him in that moment. It was clear to her now that Alan was troubled, maybe even clinically depressed. He had had a tendency to brood even when she first knew him, so maybe it had been going on since before she even met him. Katarina losing the baby and pushing Alan out of her life had simply been the last straw that sent him on a downward spiral. And Minako knew that losing two important people in his life was going to have a horrible effect on him.

But she still had to leave him.

"Because something occurred to me, Alan," Minako sighed, picking her bag up and settling at on her shoulder. She looked into her old friend's eyes, her gaze serious and laden down with sadness and a little disappointment. "You said you haven't slept in that bed with Katarina there. So how did you have condoms in the night stand? Better yet, why did you have condoms at all? Even if you and Katarina were... passionate, I don't know many married couples who use them."

Alan closed his eyes, guilt evident all over his face. His head bowed a bit, his chin barely hovering over his chest. "Mina, I..." he trailed off, apparently not sure what to say to her now.

Minako shook her head, tightening her grip on the strap of her bag. "How could you do that, Alan? To me and to Katarina?"

"I didn't go out and buy them when I knew you were here," Alan said hoarsely. "I've had them for awhile. I... I didn't plan for it to be you."

"I believe you," Minako said softly. "Up to a point."

Alan straightened and looked over at her, his eyes desperate. "Mina--"

"I don't think you've been plotting to get me into bed since I showed up," Minako interrupted smoothly, somehow keeping her voice steady. "But I do think that you notice more than people give you credit for. I may have tried to keep myself in check around you, but I didn't do a perfect job. You knew I still had feelings for you, and that... affected you." She paused, biting her lip. "I don't want to think that you're a horrible person, Alan. And I don't. You didn't force me to do what I did, and I'm just as accountable as you are. I saw that night as a chance to fulfill a childhood dream, and I think that you... saw me as a chance for happiness. Is that right?"

Alan opened his mouth to try and say something, but he couldn't even make sound come out. After a moment, he nodded, his shoulders slumping as his hands curled into fists.

Minako nodded in return, her suspicions confirmed. She took a deep breath, pushed some wayward hair behind her ear, and said, "Try Prozac next time. It has fewer side effects than adultery."

Alan winced.

Minako softened her gaze for a moment and reached out to take his hand. She gave it a comforting squeeze before repeating what she had told him earlier. "Goodbye, Alan."

He swallowed and nodded after a moment. "Goodbye."

With that, Minako turned on her heel and walked out of Alan's and Katarina's lives for good. She would have liked to believe that she could see them again, but she knew better than to entertain that fantasy. Katarina would never forgive her, not after what she'd done, and Minako couldn't say she blamed her. It was painful, but it was realistic.

As for Alan, Minako had no desire to see him again. That might change one day, but for the moment, she had no hopes for that. She did hope that someday she would be able to forget how much she had built him up in her head, making him a better person than he actually was. Or if not that, she hoped that she could forget how much it hurt now that he had torn it down. Perhaps that was just as foolish as entertaining the hope that a scorned wife could ever love her again, but she couldn't help it.

He had been her first love, after all.



Coming Soon: Epilogue: La Paix Intérieure

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