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Review by Araya |
2008-03-17
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Ohhhh... bone chilling. I love your description of Mary, I'm still shuddering thinking about it. Very well done. I liked that we were able to pick out each of the girls personalities, even with so few lines between them.
I have a few critiques though. There were a few spelling and grammar errors. Nothing major though.
Also, since Mary is from centuries ago, I think that it would have been better for you to use Old English when she was speaking. Not only would it be better, in my opinion, but make her all the more frightening.
And your first paragraph :
"Kim walked into the bathroom, hesitant but determined. She closed the shutters to the windows and closed the curtains above. She shut the door of the bathroom and locked it. Taking a last look around, she flipped the light switch to off and waited anxiously for her eyes to adjust to the darkness. She moved her hand along the wall until she felt the raided edge of the mirror. She walked in front of it and stared into the dare abyss before her."
It doesn't flow very well. It's good don't get me wrong but it's, "She did this, then she did this" I think that with a little bit of reevaluation, you would be able to write something that flows just a bit more.
Great job though! I think I'm going to have nightmares about Bloody Mary for a week now. =P
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