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Review by Loki |
2009-04-06
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Critique for Self-incineration chapter I
I congratulate you on taking a look at Makoto in-depth, she deserves more attention in fanfiction IMO.
First off, the plot is sound and the raw emotion came over well.
The imagery is good, and I think the theme of dealing with one’s phobias/fears is a good one to tackle.
Grammar points:
Generally, I found some of your sentences had minor expression issues, some padding, extraneous repetition and redundancies, but with the help of a good BETA editor these impediments can easily be taken care of and a good BETA writer relationship is priceless.
Tense and dialogue tags are a little awkward in places and some of the scenes needed clarity.
The daemon plugging into Makoto’s unconscious was clever, a good hook. For who gave the creature insight into Makoto’s head, why her and not the others? What power is controlling the minion? (All good)
I think you need to tighten up your sentences and make them more concise. The following were just some I found that a BETA could help with, but I cite them here for you. (There are other examples, but these you can find yourself easy enough)
He was a friend (of) someone very close to me. He was Furuhata Motoki’s classmate and one of his closest college buddies. (I notice you use ‘close/closest a lot, see if you can check for repeat word usage and try and find synonyms to replace, also I noticed this with the use of fear, tightly, immediately, bastard merely, even, and some others. I think a couple of these you could restructure the sentences where these appear and use for example, ‘afraid, and euphemisms.
Repetitive clauses and such can now and then be deployed for affect, but over-use can weaken the narrative. Same applies to punctuation pairings, I know some people insist on using these for affect, but the use of strong words and a single punctuation point is not only good grammar but strengthens the narrative.
breaking me from my bad vibes (maybe this could be written thus: breaking down my bad vibes’ or something similar, just seems a bit awkward to me. :)
He sure wasn’t smiling as *I thought I had seen.* the text between the stars could be replaced with ‘before’
he said, *seemingly answering*(Suggest: satisfying’ his own curiosity,
veins, dropped my *eyebrows* this sounds a little strange, perhaps ‘lowered my eyebrows’
Careful of qualifiers like even, still, just, that etc, as these are words that tend to be over-used in the wrong context by many writers.
Try to Show more, not Tell the reader what they can visualize themselves. It is like somebody reading your novel over your shoulder and reading aloud everything, taking away from your ability to ‘envision’ the obvious: body in action, padding in descriptions that burdens down the text and interrupts the flow etc. So, removing the obvious and extraneous information in mundane descriptions will improve your writing heaps .
It *does* (suggest, ‘serves’ you well,
That didn’t strike me at all *as anything else* ‘something he could have possibly known’ *he knew* about me.
*with my body filling with anxiety* ‘I could feel the anxiety filling me’
But the daemon *that was* (just remove the passive wording and it will strengthen the sentence) showing me all of this was still there, shredding away at my very soul with all *that* (redundant and makes the clause read as clumsy) he knew about me. So I merely choked back the *weeps,* (suggest, ‘sobs’) squeezed back the tears, and swallowed the pain. I had to shut this monster up before he could do any more (damage) *to me*. “Dammit, shut up. Just shut the hell up you candy-ass bastard,” I yelled as I summoned up my furious energy. Feeling the electricity surge through my body, I crossed my arms as lightning
*charged* (launched,’ her attack
I suggest avoiding the contraction ‘alright’ as the better way to write the slang is, ‘all right’
I had already turned back *right* (redundant) before she *has* (redundant, can leave this out as it makes the sentence ‘clunky’ reminded me about tomorrow’s study group,
a *bunch of chairs,* (wording here is awkward, if describing a scene in a plane, you could say something like. ‘I could see a bunch of people, seated in chairs …’ most of them filled with people and others empty. Some were off in their own little worlds, some *were talking amongst each other,* (‘talking amongst themselves’ while others read or slept.
Immediately, my heart filled with warmth as I saw them. I saw their eyes sparkle at the scenic view *of what seemed to be* (can leave out the text between the stars, clunky’ overlooking a vast land. I saw them smiling, like they were enjoying each other’s company more than the scenery *itself*. (could leave that last word out) A tear then came to my eye at the sight of my family, here, with me. I wanted to just throw myself into their arms, though they probably were oblivious to my *being there* (suggest replacing with, ‘presence’ just as everyone else seemed to be. Still, I wanted to hold them, snuggle up to them, tell them I love them, and tell them that I’ve missed them. This was just too good to be true.
faster and faster, nearly jumping out of my chest. My body burned all over as fear had completely taken (me) over *my body*. (Repeating the wording of ‘the body is redundant, and breaks the flow, reads much better without it’, I felt myself shaking, even though
Soon, the fire burst *thrpugh* (typo – through’ the cabin walls,
“Mako-chan*!* (redundant a single exclamation mark will ‘show’ not ‘tell’ us all we need to know of the urgency of the situation)” my mother screamed in agony, just before the *entire* (redundant) plane exploded in a raging ball of flames as it had finally *augured* (struck the ground) *into the ground.*
I think with a good line-edit you will see a vast improvement in the flow and structure: tense, voice, expression and vary your word usage, expand Vocab, and say less that is mundane and let your readers visualize the obvious in their own minds.
Over all, grammar aside, I think the objective of this chapter has come over rather well, but it can be improved. I hope this helps you.
A resource to help with your writing I highly rec:
http://www.users.qwest.net/~yarnspnr/writing/adverbs/adverbs.htm
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