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Review by Dejana Talis |
2008-12-08
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I've been doing a lot of reading lately on what makes good original fiction, so I hope this review isn't too harsh.
The key thing to remember is the old "show, don't tell" mantra. There are two basic ways I think you could apply this motto that would really improve your story.
First, I'd suggest starting with the dream sequence. Write out the actual experience of the dream while the character is dreaming it, as if it were real, instead of telling what it was about after she wakes up. That would give you a good, powerful action scene to kick off the story and draw the reader in. It would also give us a preview of what the Kreons are like and why we should fear them.
Second, I wouldn't explain so much about the past right in the first chapter. The trick to original fiction is to always keep your readers wanting more, so they're eager to see how the story unfolds. I'm very interested in your concept and the world you've created, but by explaining everything that's going on in chapter one, there's no mystery waiting to be unveiled. I'd suggest focusing on your main character and how she thinks and feels at the moment, maybe hint that her birthday's never been very happy since it's also the anniversary of the attack - but leave it at that. Don't explain what the attack was or what happened afterwards. Leave that for the reader to discover from your clues - all her friends sleeping together in one room, the fears from her dreams, and what she sees when she goes out into the world in future chapters. Your character's been living in this world for a long time now, and it's all normal to her by this point. It doesn't feel as natural for her to suddenly reflect on the entire human condition for the past 16 years, even if it is her birthday. Does that make sense?
Again I hope I'm not being too harsh. I do like the concept and story you've created here. These are just some suggestions that I think will help you draw in more readers and keep them hooked. :)
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Author's response:
Hey, thanks! Like I said, I'm new to this, so I'm not that experienced. But thanks for your review, I really appreciate it. :) So what do you suggest I do? Rewrite the first chapter, or continue with the story?
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