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Review by Loki |
2009-05-29
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Congratulations on your first fanfiction. I remember mine back in 2002 also. 68 chapters and 6 years to complete, so it is magic starting out and welcome!
I was immediately taken with your vocabulary, images and the atmospherics of your prologue. Stunning, and I liked your portrayal of Luna and Usagi as well. The opening is a nice taste of what is to come.
I would however, suggest reducing dependence on ellipses so much. I use them like precision instruments, cutting these back will tighten the narrative and allow the reader to fill the gaps themselves. What is known as, 'Showing, not Telling. Try it, and see the difference.
Also, I love the world building you gave us, nice, keep that up.
Oh, and in closing, a resource I found invaluable and I trust you will, too.
http://www.users.qwest.net/~yarnspnr/writing/adverbs/adverbs.htm
Looking forward to more! Good luck! L.
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Author's response:
Thanks for the review!
You are right..the ellipses do tend to be "overdone"..as if I'm trying to garnish my thoughts...but I can't seem...to know how...to...finish...
Err, hehe, yeah, that.
Bleh..adverbs, and -ly. But a good source, thanks for that!
Chapter 1 coming up!
HAL :-D
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