|
Review by Loki |
2009-09-09
|
Good start. I think you have good world building and imagery, I like how you describe Minako's movements and dress, dialogue is good. Characterization was also enjoyable.
I was a little confused by Matako Vs Makoto, are these two different characters? I had to ask. ^^
I think the drama added with the guys in the street was well portrayed.
Knit picks:
There were a few spelling and grammar flaws, nothing fatal, careful of using too much extranious 'body in action' descriptors, like, 'she 'reached up or out a hand and touched his hair. Better to tighten up with, She touched his hair, as the reader can visualize the action, this is one area that is easy to overlook and is refered to as, Showing, not Telling. hands, and the mundane actions slow down a good narrative flow, so please consider this with future writing. But a fun and well-told story.
You may also find this article helpful in general writing:
http://www.users.qwest.net/~yarnspnr/writing/adverbs/adverbs.htm
Good luck! Thank you for a great little ficlet!
|
|
