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Reviews on Ties by December


Review by Kihin Ranno 2007-03-19

Here is my review, as promised. ^^

First of all, excellent concept. I've always thought it was awfully convenient that no one appeared to pick up the pieces after Mako's parents died. This gives a plausible explanation for why she had to become emancipated and why she was essentially alone in the world.

At first, I thought that making Lita Ann an actress was a bit cliche, but it actually does make the situation more interesting. Discovering a long lost niece is traumatic for everyone, but it's particularly so for someone in the public eye. Essenitally, she's going to be living out her tragedy through a camera lens, which adds a whole new level of frustration to her situation. Not to mention, it puts her more on par with Makoto, who not only has to deal with fitting Lita Ann into her life personally, but in terms of her being a Senshi. It mirrors Lita Ann's struggle, who is going to have to reconcile Makoto professionally as well as personally.

I agree with Shel that you have a tendency to lay on some details too thick. To use a different example, the OCs surrounding Lita. By laying out all of their roles and characterizations in large paragraphs, you're basically taking the easy way out in terms of characterization. You're telling us "this is who this person is and this is how they are going to act" rather than letting us discover it for ourselves. With your method, actually reading them interact can be a bit boring because we can anticipate how different people are going to react.

Also, beware of unnecessary dialogue and/or information. You were sort of losing me in all of that "this is what your day is going to be like" stuff. It's very well researched, but it's not terribly interesting to read. Stick to the stuff that's really stirring or necessary for the main plot. By including extraneous stuff, you risk losing readers, which would be a shame.

Things are progessing nicely thus far, though I have some issue with Mako and Lita meeting in 'Blood Ties.' It just seems implausible that even as flustered as Lita was that she wouldn't think to ask Makoto what her connection with her sister was. Unless she thought she just worked at the shrine or something? Either way, I can see Makoto being too stunned to admit anything, but Lita Ann not probing for information doesn't ring true for me.

Anyway, that's my review. ^^ Looking forward to the fourth chapter!
Review by Bella*Luna 2007-02-23

I like this story. It is really good so far. I know you were worried about the time period and placing things, you are doing really well there, in some places you are laying it on kind of thick though. Example; at the end of chapter two, when she is talking about how the VJ (Bill Bellemy hahaha!) was probably going to compare her with 'breakout star Toni Braxton'; the reference was good but I don't imagine her talking about her that way. I think she probably would have said, 'that new singer' or 'Toni Braxton, the new artist' or even just Toni Braxton.

Your press scenes are really good, they are realistic, the questions are great, the way Lita handles them are wonderfully realistic to what the stars with more decorum try to do. I love the fact that she is Lita Ann and not just Lita. It gives her an extra quality.

Blood Ties was really well written. I think that the reactions from both women are very good. I can see Makoto not revealing who she is just because she is overwhelmed with everything that she is feeling, most of all anger. From the way you have written Lita Ann, I can see her fumbling over herself in a crisis that she isn't in control of and asking a perfect stranger for some help (albeit she was asking Mako if she could help her).

I did noticed that after Lita Ann revealed herself as Lili you began writing her as Lili instad of Lita. I think this is OK because of how you write it, because this chapter is Makoto's view and she is naming this woman because she knows who she is now. I hope that in subsequent chapters (ones that are from Lita's point of view again) you return to calling her Lita, it would fit for you to call her Lili with the fact that it is a reference to her past and us, as the readers, knowing how she feels about her past.

It is a great concept, great story, and other than a few spelling errors and grammar issues (which I have all written down if you want them...well all the ones I caught anyway) this is really great writting too. Great job and I will definitely be following this story. :)
Review by Starsea 2007-02-20

Review of Constructed Ties

Dear December,

I just reviewed your first chapter. I think this is a good start. I wasn't quite sure about 'Miss Lita Ann Carlyle', but I persevered. It was good to find out about her entourage and how she perceived them as her family. Your descriptions of a press pack felt very real, as did the questions of the reporters and the small references to people of the time: there were no false notes, I believed that people would make these references naturally. There are some small spelling mistakes, but they did not detract from the story.


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