WHISKEY
TANGO FOXTROT
5: No
Purchase Necessary
The main ball
room was bursting with activity. Though Luna and Artemis, the royal
cat advisers, had burst through the room proclaiming they were under
attack, no one believed it. Though they had the ear of the queen, the
cats were considered uncouth nuisances, not to mention that they were
known for routinely skipping their monthly flea baths. In any case,
everyone thought the cats were referring to being attacked by the
neglected royal dog, Snookums, who chased them whenever the cats were
invading his space.
"Felines."
People rolled their eyes. "Think they know everything!"
The ball
continued for several moments, with everyone talking amongst
themselves about the stupidity of cats. Though some people took
notice of the sounds outside and slipped away in case a battle was
occurring, most people ignored the inevitable doom that was closing
in on them.
Then, just as
orchestra began the moon's national anthem, they came. The doors flew
open, and screaming like madmen, the soldiers of Earth poured into
the grand old room, swords ready for the bloodbath.
"Oh, look,
Eileen! Newcomers dressed as bloodthirsty Earth barbaAAAUGH!"
One man gurgled blood as a sword ran through his chest. "Oooh,
that's...going to leave a mark....."
"Harry?...Harry!"
The woman turned around to see her partner fall on the floor, covered
in blood. "Oh dear, how am I going to explain this to his
wife...?"
Soon, the entire
ballroom was filled with Earth warriors, who began to kill the
unarmed dancers that they came across, even as the dancers panicked
and ran. However, a whistle suddenly filled the air, and the Earth
warriors stopped their blood bath, to see Jadeite standing on the
queen's ballroom throne. With a snap of his fingers, the ballroom
doors slammed shut, and the dancers began to cry.
"AAAH!!
NOO!!"
"HELP US!
SOMEONE SAVE US!!"
"Relax,
folks!" Raising his voice, Jadeite waved his hands reassuringly
at the screaming ballroom captives. "This is just an
old-fashioned, low-tech massacre! We're just interested in the basics
here...all your money, all your food, all your wine, all your really
beautiful women-"
"-And all
your base-"
"Shut up,"
Jadeite mumbled through clenched teeth to the anonymous heckler, then
recomposed himself. "Just do it in an orderly manner, and your
death by the sword will be as quick and as painless as possible. One
at a time, people, there's no need to panic and cut line, or run away
like sissies...I promise, we will get to you eventually either
way, it just makes it messier to resist. Troops!"
With that the
Earth soldiers began to round everyone up that they could. Those who
resisted were quickly run through with the sword; most did not,
believing blindly that the army would rescue them before anything
happened to them. Meanwhile, they were cleaned out of their jewelry
and their money.
"Corral
everyone into the center of the room-" Jumping off of the throne
(and causing it to fall to the floor) Jadeite abruptly stopped at a
column in the corner and turned to see Zoisite. "Oh, there you
are."
"Hey, you
came." Waving his hand, Zoisite nodded to his fellow smokers,
all comprised of his reconnaissance team. "Want to join us? Mary
Jane awaits you."
"Uh...."
Jadeite began to sweat. "Is that pot?"
"Heheh."
At this, Zoisite blew some smoke into Jadeite's face. "Decide
for yourself, girly man."
"Euugh!"
Jadeite waved the smoke aside. "Look, I'm not one to preach, but
one, I'm NOT a girly man, and two, you'd better not let Queen
Beryl see you with that joint, because she will kill you."
"You got
beat up by two girls!" Zoisite's laughing caused Jadeite
to grit his teeth. "I heard aaaall about it. Girly man."
“....Get
over here.”
With that,
Jadeite grabbed the joint-smoking general by the scruff and dragged
him off, tossing his paraphernalia in the trash as he did. Meanwhile,
Zoisite's smoking buddies looked on as the moon people were tied up,
and the ballroom was slowly doused in gasoline.
“Well,
looks like this is the end here.” Putting out their joints, the
men sat up and began to walk towards the commotion. “Make sure
to wash out your mouths with wine. You know how Beryl gets when she
smells this stuff....”
!~*~!
“Ok, I spy
something gray, and-”
“The wall.”
“Ok.”
Jacob scratched his head. “I spy, something wi-”
“Oh, will
you give it a rest already,” Priam snapped. “You're just
not helping matters.”
The two had been
exchanging barbs back and forth for a good half-hour at that point,
while the hapless queen watched. She glumly sat, her mind turning the
decision she had to make, over and over, while the two guards
bickered.
“Hey, don't
get mad at me,” Jacob mumbled. “It's not like I caused
this.”
“No,”
Priam glared. “But you were supposed to bring the
princess here! Now who knows what's happened to her?”
“Oh, come
on!” Jacob rolled his eyes. “Princess Serenity is
perfectly capable of taking care of herself. Hell, if she wants to
kill some enemies, all she has to do is go outside without makeup
on.”
“Jacob!”
“Honestly,
I've seen her without makeup.” Jacob shuddered as he scratched
his nose. “It actually boiled a marriage suitor's eyeballs out
of its sockets. Remember, the Duke of Andromeda? Tragic, that was.”
“JACOB!!”
“No
offense, Your Highness,” Jacob turned to the glum queen, who
didn't seem to be paying attention, “but your daughter's face
is butt ugly. Like an unholy cross between an orangutan and a
warthog-”
“THAT
DOES IT!!”
With that, Priam
lunged at Jacob, his sword missing Jacob's torso by mere inches.
Shouting out, Jacob returned the favor by punching Priam in the arm.
"Oooh, so
that's how you want to play, eh?!” The two began to
wrestle, and after several seconds, the fight generated a giant dust
cloud with arms and legs sticking out. “Oh, was that a hit!?
HA HA!”
“You little
bastard-!”
“Augh-that's
the best you got?”
“URR! I'll
put a-”
“Enough.”
The two
immediately stopped their fighting at the sound of their queen's
voice. There was something in it, something decisive and cold, which
caused them both to take notice. They turned their heads to look at
their queen, to see what she wanted to do or say.
They turned just
in time to see her disappear in a flash of silver light.
!~*~!
Princess Serenity
didn't know what to do after she had gotten her clothing on and
started searching for help.
“Help?!”
She called down the empty, crumbling halls of the Moon Palace, to no
avail. “Hello?!”
She couldn't find
her mother, or her senshi, or her prince. What was worse, she didn't
have a clue as to where to start looking. All she had to go by were
the screams that were echoing down the hallway, and as a result had
been wandering aimlessly around the palace for a good hour.
“Hello-”
She turned a
corner and stopped as she saw what was happening. There was a huge
group of Earth soldiers barring the door to the grand ballroom.
Leading them was a short blonde man, who then raised his hands up and
chanted something. At his words, fire sprang from his hands, and the
ballroom was set aflame.
Serenity nearly
fainted then and there.
“YEAH!!
HOORAY!!!” The Earth soldiers were dancing with one another,
though it was hard for them to move with all of the jewelry on them.
“YAAAAY!!”
“There they
are! Attack!!”
Serenity watched
fearfully as the moon’s palace guards - the last line of
defense - charged bravely at the dancing Earth soldiers. Upon hearing
their battle cry, Jadeite turned and unsheathed his sword.
“You don’t
know who you’re messing with!!” He pointed his sword at
the guard. “You may call me a girly man…..but I have a
demon inside me! A demon that thirsts for blood! A
demon that makes me go INSAAAAAAANE!!”
With an inhuman
cry, Jadeite charged at the moon guards. Before any of them could
react, they were all on the ground, screaming as a sharp-toothed,
reptilian monster with multiple tentacles burst from Jadeite’s
chest. Each tentacle latched onto a guard, sucking out their brains
from the base of their skulls.
“…..Daaaaamn!”
At this, the Earth soldiers quickly gathered around, thankfully
obscuring Serenity’s vision of her faithful guards’
graphically violent deaths and limiting it to blood flying on the
walls. “This is disgusting…Oh, that one over
there’s writhing. Hee hee, he doesn’t look too happy!”
Feeling sick to
her stomach, the princess turned and started to run in the other
direction. She had only taken twenty steps, however, before she ran
into something hard. Looking up, she saw a man’s eyes staring
down at her, and she began to quake.
“Shhh!”
Before she could scream, her attacker covered her mouth. “Princess!
It’s me.”
“….Endymion?
Where were-”
“No time to
explain. This way!”
“...Is it
really....?”
Serenity looked
up again and, indeed, she looked into the blue eyes of her beloved.
Nodding, Endymion took her hand, and they both began to run down the
hallway; the further away the shouts were, the better Serenity felt.
“Oh,
Endymion…” The princess couldn’t help but blush as
she looked at the back of her prince’s head. “This
reminds me of the time we met.”
“Oh?”
“Yes,
remember?” They turned a corner. “It was when I wore that
bloody hockey mask and chased you down this very hall wielding a
hockey stick and butcher knife? It was my method of scaring away
suitors I didn’t think I’d like.”
“Yes,
dear.” There was a sigh. “I remember.”
“But
you….you were different.” Serenity smiled. “And it
was right about here where you turned, took your sword and almost
completely severed my head from my neck. That’s when I knew….”
“That your
jugular and spine were permanently damaged from the blow?”
“…Well,
yes,” Serenity paused. “That and it took me three years
to fully regain my ability to read and write, as well as wiggle my
toes. But…also, that you were the man for me. That you
were….the one.”
“That’s
wonderful, but….” Suddenly, Endymion stopped. “I
have something to confess.”
At this, the two
looked into each other's eyes. For one eternal moment, Serenity could
see a twinkle of hope in her beloved's eyes, and her heart soared.
Perhaps this was a true confession of love, one not coerced by desire
and lust like the one he had given her in the bedroom. At last, she
would have real proof of his love.
“If we live
through this,” Endymion breathed. “I want you to get a
boob job.”
“…..A
what?”
“I’ve
never confessed this to anyone,” The prince held her arms, his
eyes wide. “But….I’m a boob man. And you….your
breasts….as beautiful as they are, they’re barely even A
sized.”
“Y….”
Serenity’s lip began to quiver. “You mean….?”
“Yes.”
Endymion looked solemn as he responded. “You have no real boobs
to speak of. But that can be remedied. Would you do that for me?
Serenity….do you love me enough to do it?”
“I….”
Serenity looked
at Endymion, dumbfounded, not sure of what to say. It was a strange
request for her lover to make, especially when so much was happening
so quickly. On the other hand, she knew she loved her prince dearly,
and would do what it took to win his love. After all, he was the most
eligible bachelor in the galaxy; the idea that people wouldn’t
want his love was beyond her.
“I will!”
“Excellent!”
The prince smiled. “Now, to find a place to make out.”
“…I…”
Serenity blinked, not sure of what she just heard. “What?”
“…I
said let’s find a place to make a stand.” Endymion
looked around. “Is there any place that might have sufficient
cover?”
“….Oh!”
A light bulb went off in the princess’ head. “Of
course!-“
Before she could
finish, an explosion rocked the palace, and the ceiling above them
began to crumble. Grabbing each other’s hands, the two ran
before they were crushed by the debris.
“Oooh!”
Serenity’s dress flew up as she ran. “The Prayer Tower!
That's right, te guard told me my mother told me to meet her there,
so she might be there. We might be able to use the sacred power
embedded within to protect the survivors!”
“Whatever
you say!”
“The bridge
is this way!”
At this, the
lovers began to descend up a flight of stairs and onto the decimated
second floor; as they did this, another explosion happened, and the
staircase started to crumble behind them. Above them, the smoke from
the spreading ballroom fire funneled into the sky; below them they
suddenly heard the echo of soldiers and captive women.
“This way,
boys, and bring the women!” Zoisite’s giggles and
Nephrite’s shouts could barely be heard above the clamor. “If
you think you’re sated with gold and wine and sex now, there’s
more booty to be had at the treasury!....Stop laughing at me,
Zoisite, it’s mainly money!”
At this, Serenity
and Endymion began to run faster towards the bridge, hoping the army
wouldn’t come upstairs and spot them. Finally, they took the
turn towards the bridge; the Prayer Tower was just across the way.
“HELLO!!”
With Beryl
standing right at the entrance. The lovers skidded to a halt when
they saw the leader of the rebels herself appear out of thin air, her
ample bosom blocking their only hope for escape.
“Well,
well,” she smirked as the two stared at her. “Look who I
found....”
There was a long
silence at this. For several unending minutes, the two sides stared
at one another, realizing what was happening. It was the fight that
Beryl had always dreamed of, the same one that Serenity never wished
to see.
It was a fight
where someone was going to die.
“...What?”
Suddenly, without regard to any sense of reality, Beryl turned
towards the general direction of the reader - who was somewhere on
Earth sitting at their computer, and following the events of the
story, as this happened - and frowned. “What are you
waiting for, Christmas? Well, it's the end of the chapter, so here's
a present! Buzz off!!”
With little
consideration as to who she was attacking, Beryl thrust her staff
forward, shooting a bolt of lightning through the reader's computer
screen, shattering into a thousand pieces. Fortunately, the bolt
missed the reader's head by mere inches, but unfortunately, it
ricocheted off a lamp and killed the reader's pet, which just so
happened to be in the way.
“...Wow.”
Serenity stared at Beryl as the lightning tapered off. “Pardon
my language...but what a bitch.”
The time it took
for the reader to bury their beloved pet - unless it was a neon
monkey, then it was not missed - and to buy a new lamp and computer
screen was just enough time to prepare for......
THE FINAL
CHAPTERS.
All the glory.
All the glamor. All the guts. And it will all end in the ne-
“For the
love of-!” A shot of lightning finally hit the author.
“SHUT UP!!”
(stay tuned.)
