Whiskey Tango Foxtrot by Papirini

4: Some Assembly Required

WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT

4: Some Assembly Required

After the downfall of the moon's army, it was only a matter of time before they got to the bridge which connected the now-razed Hubalapolis and the Moon Palace. Sage Beryl led the army, looking across the way towards the opposition. Across the way, the four sailor soldiers had taken up positions near the other end, and they waited.

“There they are,” the sage pointed. “The last line of defense. Once they fall, the Moon Palace will be ours to do what we like to it. Where is Zoisite....”

“Excellent.” Nephrite nodded to Jadeite, who was going to nod to Kunzite until he saw the latter's face. “So, how many troops are we going to send to handle the girls?”

“....What do you mean, 'how many'?”

“I mean....” Nephrite paused. “Beryl, you're not really going to-”

The next thing Nephrite knew, Beryl and the bulk of the army were several hundred yards away, having left the three generals with several dozen troops - and the Metaria monster - to face the sailor senshi.

“Good luck!” From a pile of rubble, Beryl waved. “Have fun, boys!”

“Oh, thanks,” Jadeite mumbled. “Why do I have a feeling she planned this the entire time?”

“I wouldn't be surprised. Everyone assumes we're doing them.” Nephrite suddenly felt Kunzite's glare on him, and he quickly corrected himself. “But...uh, we all know it's untrue.”

“General!” At this, the soldiers began to shout. “We’re bored. Let's go kill them!”

“Just a moment, troops.” Jadeite gulped. “I don't know if having that giant monster is a good idea. That thing gives me bad feelings - I think it may do something terrible.”

“....It's a fucking monster, Jadeite.” Nephrite stared at Jadeite. “You're not exactly supposed to skip in a daisy field with it.”

“Hey!” The soldiers began to grumble. “Can we please go attack those girls now?”

"Rar.....kill."

The generals looked at their troops, who were clearly yearning to fight. Then they looked up at the Metaria monster, whom none of them trusted. Even the Metaria monster looked ready to kill.

At this, Jadeite sighed.

"I wish Zoisite hadn't gone off." At this, he drew his sword, signaling his soldiers to fall back. "I'd have made him go first."

"Chicken."

"Am not!"

"All right!" Ignoring his comrade, Nephrite held his hand up. "We shall go. Troops, stay with the monster until I give the signal."

"What?" The troops began to get mad. "We don't get to kill those disgusting harlots!? You greedy bastards!"

"Ahem." Nephrite put his hands on his hips. "Do you want Pop-Tarts after this battle? Then you'll do as I say! Or should I start passing out the boxes of Fruit Loops now?"

This immediately stopped the grumbling. If there was one way to put down a potential rebellion, Nephrite knew, it was to threaten the ungrateful fodder with an unending supply of badly-flavored dry cereal. It was practically no different from the meals they got on Earth, and the thought of having it day in and day out drove the Earthlings insane.

"Good." Nephrite pointed. "Fellow brethren, forward!"

With that, the three Heavenly Kings began their march into history, their battle with the girls who were their equals inevitable. Behind them went their troops, grumbling about how unfair their generals were being. And behind them was the Metaria monster, whose presence made everyone uncomfortable. Despite its apparent power-enhancing abilities and Beryl's reassurances, none of the soldiers — especially, none of the generals — were certain they could count on it. Some were even wondering just how long it would be before they would be betrayed.....

Most, however, were not thinking of the monster's inherent capacity to do evil. They were thinking of Fruit Loops and how much they hated them, as they went into their next decisive skirmish in their destruction of the moon. That alone was enough to spur them to madness.

!~*~!

"I can't believe this is happening."

Queen Serenity gave a long sigh as she ran her fingers through her silver hair. One long, agonizing hour had passed since she became trapped in the basement of the Prayer Tower, or, at this point, what was left of it. The more time that passed, the more worried she became.

"I'm trapped," she said in a low voice, looking at the two guards with her. "Trapped while my kingdom is dying. Trapped while my princess is attacked. All because of the actions," At this, the queen's eye slightly strayed towards her left, "of a fool."

"Mmm?" At this, Jacob looked up from the mirror he was looking into and blinked. A spot of blood was on his cheek. "I'm sorry, what's happening?"

"....Nothing." Serenity turned away. "Nothing at all."

There was a silence at this. With a shrug, Jacob went back to looking in the mirror and popping unsightly pimples; Priam merely rolled his eyes.

"....There must be a way." Serenity stared at the floor. "There must be a way to prevent the total destruction of the moon."

"I agree, your Majesty."

"Eh," At this, Jacob looked up again from his mirror. "Seriously, Priam, be realistic. We're going to die. There's nothing we can do about it."

"Jacob..."

"We'll either be uncovered and they'll kill us on the spot," Jacob sighed nonchalantly. "Or we'll suffocate from lack of air because they never find us. So much for the game on Saturday."

"Jacob!"

"Sorry!" Jacob held his hands up. "Just baring my soul before the inevitable end. You know, bonding. Sharing the secrets of my life with a close friend and a woman who happens to be my chosen sovereign."

"Secrets. Right." Priam grumbled. "And just what kind of secret is so amazingly important that we have to know them?"

"The darkest! Like.....you know what I'd like before I inevitably die?" Jacob nods. "I'd like to have a ménage a trois."

"A what?!"

"Yeah, I mean, every guy should have one once before he dies." Jacob beamed. "With two women, not two guys."

"Sir...."

"No offense, your Highness, and I love my girlfriend and all, but honestly!" Jacob stood up. "You have to admit, it's a great fantasy to indulge in when it's two women. No one gets hurt, and you can do both sides of the spectrum."

"Honestly, this is not an appropriate discussion for this moment," Priam glared. "Private."

"Oh, come on!" Jacob laughed. "You can't say you've never wanted to do two women at the same time! And, I mean, we're soldiers, so women love us."

"And...." Priam mumbled. "Let me guess, since you assume your girlfriend is going to die a bloody death, you'll just get this fantasy of yours on with one of the survivors."

"Oh, no, my friend!" Jacob violently shook his head. "The Earth women! I hear they're monsters. Besides, this is genocide, but if I have to die, I will go out with an orgasm!"

Priam moaned at his friend's resolve, and was ready to smash him in the face, whether or not Queen Serenity was present. However, before his fist connected with any part of his partner's body, the queen was in between them, pushing them apart.

"Please," she implored, her voice clearly strained. "This is the last thing I need right now. No fighting, no apocalyptic pessimism and you," at this, she gave Jacob a pointed glare. "No more sexual fantasies."

"Aww..." Jacob stopped when he saw his queen was serious. "Oh, all right."

"Listen." With that, the two soldiers looked at their queen. "I've had time to think about it, and.....I think there may be a way to save my people."

"Does it involve Italian plumbers?"

"...No...." Priam looked at Jacob weirdly as the queen continued. "No, it involves an artifact of the greatest importance. One so powerful......it can destroy an entire planet."

"Oh, the Death Star?"

"No! I mean..." Queen Serenity paused to recompose herself. "Private, please don't interrupt me."

"Yes, please, Jacob." At this, Priam pummeled Jacob in the stomach, causing him to fall to the floor in a spasm of pain. "Don't interrupt the queen!"

"Yes...." A distant look crept into Serenity's eyes. "I may just have to do it. I may have to use.....the Silver Crystal."

".....What.....?"

The color drained from Priam's face when he heard the queen's words. He had heard of it; he didn’t know of a moon soldier that hadn't heard of the Silver Crystal. It's name was legendary, and it's powers even more so. But with the power, it was whispered among his superiors, came a price, and Priam could not help but wonder just how much of a price his queen was willing to pay to save her people.

"The Silver Crystal?" Suddenly, Jacob's pained voice brought him back to reality. "What's that?....aaugh, Priam, that was my sternum!"

!~*~!

Finally, the three generals reached the other side of the bridge. In front of them were the four legendary sailor senshi, and as soon as the generals got within several feet of them, they quickly got into position, their fingers pointed at the incoming army.

For a moment, no one spoke. Each side simply looked at one another with daggers in their eyes. Centuries of distrust were finally coming to a head, and the senshi and generals, the most visible symbols. Whatever was going to be said would be remembered forever by generations to come.

"Mmmm...." Finally, Nephrite looked at the pointed fingers and smiled. "You know, it's not polite to point."

"Oh my God...."

"Are you kidding?!"

"Come on!" There was a collective groan among the Earth soldiers. "That's so stupid!"

"Shut up. I'm trying diplomacy for a change." Nephrite turned to Jadeite. "You know. Mano a mano, negotiating with a person of equal status - who happens to be extremely sexy, I might add - in the spirit of mercy."

"Oh, I'm sure that'll last," mumbled Jadeite. "Captain Blood."

"Just give me a chance." With a shrug, Nephrite turned to Jupiter. "Hi there. Pardon the mess, but it was a bit necessary, see. Hopefully we don't have to come to blows over this little misunderstanding of certain issues, and you can, uh, step aside, princess?"

"Well, pardon my words," Jupiter responded sarcastically. "But you can just bite me, general."

"....Well, so much for diplomacy." At this, Nephrite unsheathed his sword. "It was nice knowing you."

With lightning speed he attacked Jupiter, who responded by sending a bolt of lightning towards his sword. Deftly dodging, Nephrite swung his sword around, barely missing Jupiter's neck. As he turned he narrowed his eyes, staring at Jupiter's face.

"What are you doing?"

"Concentrating, princess." Jupiter did a cartwheel to avoid an energy blast from the general. "Most people don't know this, but I can read people's minds and use it against them, turning them into whimpering sops!"

"Hate to tell you," Jupiter smirked as she threw another lightning attack. "But that won't work with me. I have mental blocks that prevent that from happening, so do your worst!"

"...Mmm." Seeing he couldn't get through the mental armor, as Jupiter correctly surmised, Nephrite gave a smirk. "So tell me, princess, how hard is it to be a blockhead?"

Meanwhile, people watched as Jupiter and Nephrite had at it; no one else even bothered to engage. Soon, however, Venus and Kunzite caught each other's eyes, and they both stood across from each other, their cold eyes staring into the other's with coldness.

"Hello......" Kunzite spoke first. "Princess."

"General." The response was in the same tone. "So...you came."

"Yes."

".....Very well." The two kept staring at each other. "Let us begin, then?"

"Yes. Let us begin."

This exchange caused Jadeite and the remaining soldiers to take notice and remember what they were doing. Taking advantage of their distraction, Mercury and Mars began to advance on Jadeite; the troops behind Jadeite saw this and also began to advance, in defense of their leader.

"No!" Jadeite's order caused the soldiers to again stop. "You were not given the signal. This is between me, and these two."

"Oh, of course we don't get a piece of the action," one soldier mumbled as they regardless stepped back. "This is so not right."

"Let's go at it." Jadeite pointed towards Mercury and Mars. "This will be very little trouble for a Heavenly King."

".....So where's Zoisite?" The response caused his eyes to bulge in horror. "Smoking pot, no doubt."

"Why you..." Jadeite turned red. "How dare you insult Zoisite when he is not here!"

“Oh come on, everyone he does it.”

“You'll pay for that,” Jadeite unsheathed his sword, “woman!”

"Oh, you scare me." Mars snorted. "What are you going to do about it, huh?"

“I'm going to-OW!”

At this, Mars walked up to Jadeite and promptly slapped him in the face. Staggering back, he turned to find Mercury's hand inches from his face. He was unable to avoid the slap she dealt.

"Hey, hey!!" Jadeite mumbled. "What's the big idea? I didn't sleep with either of y-GUUAGH!!"

Immediately the two soldiers tackled him, each smacking and punching him, not even bothering to use their powers. They knew the soldiers wouldn't attack, as they had not been given the "signal"; so the two soldiers took their time in humiliating the general.

"Ha!" Meanwhile, Jupiter and Nephrite were even in their battle. "Is that a punch? I barely felt it."

"And how about this?" Jupiter's knee connected with Nephrite's crotch. "I'm sure you feel it now."

"....Heheheh. Poor little girl." To Jupiter's surprise, Nephrite was hardly affected. "It's clear you don't know anything about me. The things I went through to make that part of my body unassailable to low blows like that."

"Oh, so you're a eunuch?"

"...Heh, funny. I'll give you that much..."

As the two continued exchanging blows, both physical and magical, Mercury briefly stopped her attack on Jadeite to look around. In the clamor of the battle, Venus' voice was not heard, her attacks not seen, and it worried the blue-haired sailor.

"Hey, this ain't too bad!" Mercury spotted the Earth soldiers watching. "I guess being onlookers isn't so bad after all."

"Yeah!" One soldier rubbed his nose. "If you strain just right you can see the green girl's underwear. It's great!"

"Yeah, agreed!" Red-and-white striped boxes were being passed around. "You want butter on your corn?"

"Eeeh, can't, I'm on that stupid carb diet." There was a sigh. "My wife'll kill me if she finds out."

Rolling her eyes at this, Mercury returned to looking for Venus. There was no sign of her, and this caused Mercury to worry even more.

"Sailor Venus?! Where are you? What........what......."

Mercury turned towards the direction of the Moon Palace, just in time to see what Venus and her opponent, Kunzite, were doing. Their weapons were on the ground, and they were leaning on a riverbank column, violently caressing and kissing each other.

"....WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?"

Kunzite and Venus turned back to a jaw-dropped Mercury, looking surprised, Kunzite with a smattering of lipstick smeared on his face. They looked back at each other, then back at Mercury.

"W....we are....." Kunzite looked at Mercury with his constipated face. "Having a duel to the death......with our tongues."

"I...." Venus blushed. "Yeah."

At this, Mercury slapped her head. Turning to the other senshi and generals - who had ceased fighting at her scream and were as dumbfounded as she - she turned back to Kunzite and Venus.

"Oh, go get a room if you're going to suck face!" At this, she turned and punched Jadeite in the face. "In the meantime, we have a war to conduct, if you two don't mind!"

With that, Mercury and Mars continued to pummel Jadeite, while Jupiter fought Nephrite. Meanwhile, Venus and Kunzite looked at one another before slipping away, sight unseen, from the battle.

"Geez!" After several minutes more, Mars started to laugh as she and Mercury took turns smacking Jadeite around. "I always knew you were the weakest of the Heavenly Kings, Jadeite, but I didn't know how much of a girly man you were until now!"

"Girly man?!" Spitting out blood, Jadeite couldn't believe his ears. "How dare y-OOOWGH!!"

"That's right, girly man!" The pummeling continued. "Maybe you should have taken your vitamins this morning!"

"This not fa-AAAIGH!!"

The soldiers watched as Jadeite was being beat up by two girls barely half his age. It wasn't a good thing for the men to watch, at least in terms of morale. They began to wonder when their general would be finished, and how long it would be before the sailors used their legendary witchcraft on them.

They, of course, weren't the only ones watching the fight. In fact, there was another spectator, who was about to make their first move on the unsuspecting senshi.

"Well!" Jupiter did another flip to avoid Nephrite's blast attack. "Looks like you're not going to touch me, general."

"Oh, I'm so upset," came Nephrite's sarcastic answer. "I was so hoping to touch-"

"RAAAAAARGH!"

Jupiter and Nephrite instantly stopped their fighting when they heard the cry. Mercury and Mars, for their part, dropped Jadeite to the ground, and looked up to see the great mass that was glaring at them with hungry red eyes. Even the soldiers turned and feared their ally upon seeing it.

It was the longest moment of silence they ever endured.

*BOOOOM*

Then it happened; the black mass acted. It opened its mouth again, letting out a raunchy burp. With that burp came a giant blast of energy, which Jadeite barely had time to dodge as it exited the creature's monstrous masticator.

"GEEEE-AYE!!" Pieces of Jadeite's hair smoked as he stood up. "What the....!!"

Then he saw where the senshi had been. They hadn't been able to dodge the blast, and all that was left of Mercury and Mars were pieces of blue boot leather, samite, some scorched ribbon and one of Mars' eyeballs.

"Aah....!" Jupiter's eyes widened in shock, and she fell to her knees. "Mercury......Mars.....no...!"

"....Well, I guess that was the signal!" At this, the Earth soldiers suddenly raised their weapons and ran. "CHARRRRRRGE!!!"

Jupiter didn't even have time to react as the group trampled Jadeite and shoved Nephrite aside. Thirsty for a piece of the action, and a piece of the amazingly sexy sailor soldier, they all began to grab at her at once, shouting and bellowing as they pulled her in several different directions at once, tearing clothing and hair from her body. After several minutes, however, another, more sickening, ripping sound was heard by the soldiers, and they looked down to see what they did.

"AAAAAUGH!" Jupiter screamed in anguish as blood exploded from the open orifices that used to house her arms and legs. "WHAT THE HELL?!"

"...Hey, look!" One man who held a leg started to laugh. "It's Torso Girl!"

"That's...." Jupiter began to whiten from blood loss as the soldiers began to guffaw at the joke. "That's....not funny!"

"Course it is!" At this, the man poked Jupiter with her leg. "Have you ever seen anything like it?"

"Ow!...OW!!" Tears coursed from Jupiter's eyes. "St-stop it!! STOOOP!!"

Most of the men, repulsed by the now quadriplegic sailor's helplessness, recovered enough sense to back away and find other fun and bloody things to do, such as using Mars' eyeball as a hacky sack. However, several others joined the leg poker and picked the girl up, tossing her to one another and letting more blood fly everywhere. Others took up her arms and legs and swung them at rocks like golf clubs.

"Ha ha ha! She's a lot lighter now!"

"Me next! Me next!"

"Fooo-OOOORE!"

"SOLDIERS! Will you stop that?!" Jadeite shouted, turning green as he watched the spectacle. "That's disgusting!"

"But general!" Jupiter was inadvertently thrown over the side of the wall by one of the soldiers, who turned to respond to his general. "It's not like we raped her first and then dismembered her!"

"Oh, for the...!"

Jadeite turned to Nephrite for some help, only to find Nephrite staring at the monster. He, too, looked at the monster warily, knowing that he hadn't given the order for it to attack. He began to wonder if Beryl knew what exactly she'd awoken in the North Pole - and whether the binding spell was working.

"GENERALS!" Both Jadeite and Nephrite jumped up at the sound of Beryl's voice. "Good work. Wow, what a mess....."

"Uh, Beryl." Jadeite gulped. "Did you order that thing to attack?"

"Me? No, I di-Soldiers, put that eyeball down!" Beryl's voice was harsh. "That's not a baseball!...No, I didn't. Why?"

"Uh, well...." At this, Nephrite reluctantly responded. "You see, Beryl, that eyeball belongs to Sailor Mars, whom Metaria killed. In fact she also killed Sailor Mercury too, and-"

"What?!?" Beryl's eyes widened, though after a moment they relaxed, and she gave a shrug. "Ah well. I probably would have killed them myself anyways."

"...Are you serious?"

"Course I am! You don't get anywhere in life without stepping on some toes and breaking a couple of necks along the way." At this, Beryl's eyes narrowed. "Speaking of which, I'm going to break Zoisite's neck if he doesn't come back soon. And Kunzite's - where'd he go now?!"

"Um...." Nephrite paused. "Having a duel to the death with Sailor Venus."

"...Why's his sword there, then?"

"Oh!" Looking at the ground where the weapons of the lovers lay, Nephrite nodded. "That. Kunzite publicly decided to use....unconventional methods to subdue the girl."

"Mmm hmm." Jadeite bit his lip in order not to laugh. "Very."

"So I don't know when he's coming back." Nephrite breathed in. "So don't ask."

There was a long silence at this. Behind Beryl, several of the cannon fodder nudged and winked at Nephrite's response, though they quickly resumed an air of responsibility when their redhead leader's gaze bore into them.

"....Oh, whatever." With a huff, Beryl pointed her staff. "SOLDIERS! Now that the senshi have fallen, it is time for us to set out sights on our last target.....and finally avenge our world!!"

"YEAH!" The soldiers began to get excited. "LONG LIVE SAGE BERYL!!"

"Where are we going!?"

"THE MOON PALACE!"

"When are we going?!"

"RIGHT AFTER THIS SPEECH!!"

"....Eh, and what will we do when we get there?!"

"EAT CAVIAR!!!"

"...NO." Beryl slapped her forehead. "NOT the answer."

"Yeah, she's right!" One soldier piped up. "I don't like caviar! It's a poor excuse for a rich man's food."

"Me neither," another soldier agreed. "It just doesn't feel right to eat any animal's naughty bits."

"Wait...what?!" The first soldier's eyes bugged out. "C-caviar is an animal's testicles?!"

"Yeah, it's fish testicles and eggs." The second soldier nodded. "I hear they make it into jelly."

"...And rich people eat that?!" The first soldier turned green. "That's disgusting! I thought rich people were weird before-"

"NOW!!" The soldiers were suddenly interrupted by Beryl. "To the Moon Palace, to find the queen and princess, and destroy the remnants of tyranny forever!"

"...YEEEEEAH!"

"HO!"

At this, The soldiers cheered, and the marched forward, leaving the limbless Jupiter and her two disintegrated friends behind for the next goal. It was only a three minute walk to the moon gardens that adorned the great walkway to the Moon Palace, and only two minute after that to the real thing itself.

Five minutes until the end of the world as all of Earth descended like locusts upon the last obstacle to complete annihilation.

"Eww," Jadeite's nose crinkled up as he whispered to Nephrite. "I can't believe people really eat fish testicle jel-"

"Shut up," Nephrite mumbled.

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