WHISKEY
TANGO FOXTROT
3:
Buy One, Get One Free
The first rumblings of war were barely
felt by the people of the moon. Those who actually felt it chalked it
up to their imagination, while others simply ignored the slight
shaking of the tables, and glasses, and chandeliers.
As the night drove on, however, the
tremors became stronger, and more people began to notice it. Though
many tried to continue their dancing without care, others were
wondering what was going on.
“Oh dear,” one woman
remarked. “I hope we don't have tapeworms under the palace.”
“My dear lady,” someone
murmured to her. “I think you mean graboids.”
!~*~!
It was on the border of the city that
the victorious Earth army gathered for the great assault. It wasn't
hard to be victorious on the moon; the capital city was the only
major city on the planet, and the rest of the planet was bare of
inhabitants. Merely to touch down on the surface was a sign of
victory; it was the first time any invading force had ever landed on
the moon in many thousands of years.
"All right, men! We've taken the
whole of the planet!" Jadeite cried to his platoon as the army
stuck a flag with the colors of Earth into the ground. "Now,
onto the capital city of Hubalapolis!!"
"Wait!!" Another soldier
shouted. "What about the people in the capital city? What do we
do with them, commander?"
"Well, we....." Jadeite had
to think for a moment before thrusting his fist into the air.
".....KILL THEM ALL!!"
"HO!!"
This met with a roar of approval from
the rest of the soldiers, just as Beryl appeared on the battlefield.
She looked at the crowd as they drew their sword, shouting for the
blood of the moon people, setting their sites on destroying the bloom
of the civilization they invaded.
"No!" Her voice rang out
sharp and clear. "You are to kill just the men. That's an
order!"
"...Uh, right, just the men."
Jadeite gulped. "Uh, ok, then, soldiers....kill the men,
and.....and RAPE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN!"
"YEAH!!"
"What?!" Beryl's eyes bugged
out. "Wait, wait, wait..."
"Right!" Various soldiers
began to shout out various things at once. "Let's strap 'em down
to their beds and RAVISH THEM!!"
"Let's sell them as SEX SLAVES!!"
"MASTURBATE on them!!"
"Do it with THREE at a TIME!!!"
"Let's take the pregnant women,"
someone suddenly said, "and SHOOT THEM ALL OUT OF A CANNON!!!!!
YEAH!!!!"
"Uh....."
The crowd suddenly stopped at that one,
looking a little confused. Slowly, however, their frenzy and desire
for revenge in general took over, and they began to cheer the idea,
accepting it as their own. Soon, they were talking about the best
projectory they would use to make the spectacle as bloody as
possible, and how hard the pregnant women should hit the side of
various buildings.
"STOP THIS INSTANT!!"
Beryl's voice roared over the commotion. "There will be no
shooting of pregnant women out of cannons! You fools, what kind of
demented and sadistic idea is that?!"
"Oh...." The crowd became
somewhat crestfallen at this. "Ok, then we'll just toss them
over the walls..."
"NOW!!" Everyone jumped as
Beryl slammed her wand into the ground. "I will not have this
turn into an unchecked orgy! This is a battlefield, not a
harem!" She glared at her armies. "You are each
allowed three grown, non-pregnant women to rape! Those
remaining, and all of the children, shall be locked up. And I'll know
if anyone disobeys!!"
"Aw...."
"But...." Quickly, Nephrite
noticed the morale and boosted it up. "Three women is better
than none! And....just imagine....the pain you'll inflict on those
moon families when you rape their women! And all the men shall be
dead, so their sorrow will be tenfold! It's the perfect revenge for
the people who enslaved us!"
Beryl smirked as the troops heard their
general and began to come around to his point of view. Some began to
nod, and others, to cheer. She was glad to have him on her side; if
there was ever a general who was as charismatic as she was, it was
Nephrite.
"Yes! Let them live and suffer!"
Nephrite unsheathed his sword and pointed it towards the capital
city. "To battle!! LONG LIVE THE SAGE!!!"
"LONG LIVE SAGE BERYL!!!"
With a roar, the men began to charge
forward, their swords in the air, ready to take on anyone and
anything in their way. As she stood alongside her generals, Beryl
gave Nephrite a smile.
"That was some good bullshit,
right there." Beryl gently patted him on the back. “For a
moment I was afraid they'd actually try looking for cannons, even
though those haven't been invented yet.”
“Of course, my lady. Always a
pleasure to regulate bloodshed for a would-be tyrant.”
"Have you found those sailor
guardians yet?"
"Not a sign of them,"
Nephrite shook his head. "They're probably at the palace."
"Well, we'll deal with them when
we get to them." Beryl looked around herself, confused. "Wh....
where is Zoicite?"
"....Oh." Jadeite tapped his
chin. "He went to do some reconnaissance by the Moon Palace,
apparently."
"Lovely."
Beryl huffed at this, and she began to
walk forward, staff in hand. Her remaining generals followed;
Kunzite, as always, was last, his hardened look not changing since
they had left Earth, still looking as if he needed to find a toilet.
"Well, let's get this over with."
Already, flames began to shoot out of various buildings in
Hubalopolis. “I want to have my breakfast in the palace. French
toast, of course. Onward!”
!~*~!
“Are they here yet?”
“No.”
“....Now?”
“No, your Highness.” Priam
shook his head. “I don't see them anywhere.”
Queen Serenity nodded, then began to
pace back and forth inside the basement of the Prayer Tower. It was
there that she had decided to take refuge, to plan something
resembling a strategy and to protect her daughter. However, her
worries increased as time went by and the tremors of the enemy grew
stronger, and there was no sign of her daughter or the guard who went
to fetch her.
“Don't worry, my Queen,”
Priam smiled reassuringly. “Private Jacob is a dependable
soldier as any. He'll rescue your daughter.”
“I'm glad.” Queen Serenity
sighed. “It's good to know I have at least one reliable
soldier in my kingdom.”
She
spoke with bitterness, though Priam decided not to wonder what that
meant. A silence passed between them, though they didn't have to
speak, as the tremors grew even stronger.
“And,”
Finally, Priam spoke. “Your Highness, what about me?”
“....Yes....I
know I can trust you.” At this, the queen smiled. “You've
always been loyal to me.”
“....Thank
you, my queen-”
Priam
suddenly stopped. He was unable to continued, for at that moment, the
ground began to tremble, and the sound of rocks falling on the floor
above caused both their hearts to leap.
Then
the door swung open, and both queen and private screamed.
“Right, I'm back!” Walking
through the doorway, Jacob nodded as he looked at the astounded queen
and Priam. “I see you're all safe too. Excellent!”
“Private....” Queen
Serenity stared at Jacob, her face ashen. “....Where's the
princess?!”
“Oh, in her room,” Jacob
replied as he closed the door. “I told her to come here after
she got her clothes back on.”
“You were supposed to escort her
to this place!” The queen cried. “And what do you mean,
her clothes were off?!”
Jacob didn't answer, for they were
suddenly knocked violently onto the ground. The sound of rocks became
an avalanche, and the door bent with the weight of stones pressed up
against it.
“Oh no!!” Priam tried to
push the door open, only to find himself unable to. “We're
trapped!”
“Well,” Jacob said
cheerfully, “at least we're safe for now!”
“You....” Priam looked
ready to strangle him. “Thank you for making me eat my
words, you bastard!”
“So much for dependability,
private...”
“What are you talking
about?!”
“You were supposed to
bring Princess Serenity here!!!” Priam was almost
screaming at him. “Now who knows what will happen to her! And
you saw her naked! What possessed you to do that!?”
“She was like that when I came
in!” Jacob protested. “Honest!”
“I don't believe this....”
There was a long, uncomfortable silence
at this. Both Priam and Serenity glared at Jacob, both longing to
hurt him for what he did. Both, however, held their tempers, but not
for long.
“....Well, would it make you both
feel any better,” Jacob managed to get in before the queen's
fist connected to his face, “to say that the princess has been
working out?”
!~*~!
“When do you think they'll come?”
The four sailor senshi, defenders of
the moon kingdom, were sitting passively on the bridge leading from
the capital to the Moon Palace, eating pop tarts. Leading them was
valiant Venus, her hair flying in the wind.
“I still can't believe those guys
betrayed us.” Mars kicked a stone across the bridge.
“Seriously. What does that evil witch Beryl have that we
don't?”
“Boobs?”
“....Shut up.” Mars glared
at Jupiter. “I was being rhetorical.”
“Well,” Jupiter shrugged.
“Don't act as if you're the only one who's mad about this. I
mean, look at Venus.”
At this, the two sailors turned to
their leader, who was still standing, one foot on the ledge of the
bridge, her hair still whipping about her. On her face was an
expression of seriousness - serious enough that her nose was
crinkled, and her face was a snarl. One way Mars could have described
the mood of her leader would have been that she looked like she was
ready to go in her drawers.
“Ok...” Mars looked back at
Jupiter. “What about Venus?”
“Oh, come on,” The brunette
soldier snorted. “You know about her and Kunzite.”
“Uh, yes, I do.” Mars
sighed again. “Everyone does - it's the worst kept secret
ever.”
“And Venus has been taking this
whole war thing worse than all of us,” Jupiter nodded. “She's
had that expression on her face since she found out that he's working
for Sage Boobies on Display.”
“Please,” at this, Mercury
spoke up. “Can we please stop talking about breasts? It's not
really dignified.”
“So what?”
“Yeah.” At this, Mars gave
a coy smile. “Just because, you know, you're the only one big
enough to have them, Jupiter...”
“Don't even go there-”
Suddenly, the roar of battle echoed in
the distance. Immediately, soldierly shouts could be heard as the
people of Earth were unleashed, and they tore through the city.
Several buildings shook as they collapsed, and shattered glass was
thrown everywhere as the invaders smashed their way into various
houses.
"KILL THE MOON PEOPLE!!" The
cries of the soldiers were heard. "CHOP OFF THEIR HEADS!!"
"You know, we should go-"
"No." Mercury shook her head
authoritatively. "The queen ordered us to guard the bridge, and
that's what we're going to do."
"But what about all the people in
the city?!"
"....What people?"
Mercury stared. "They're almost all in the main ballroom in the
palace. There's no one to kill!"
Suddenly, flames began to shoot through
the sky — the city was catching fire. Smoke began to pour into
the sky, blanketing out the stars, and even melting several buildings
on impact. Behind them was the giant black cloud, its red eyes
looking down at the destruction.
"....Damnit."
"There goes the city."
!~*~!
In the palace, some people caught sight
of the flames shooting across the sky. No one took notice of the
smoke, instead marveling at all the colors that the flames donned as
they shot up and disappeared in a puff of light.
"Oooh!" People naively began
to point and clap. "Fireworks! The queen is splendid! Bravo!
Bravo!!"
!~*~!
"Man, I wish these guys would
hurry up and attack us!" Jupiter slammed her fist into her palm
after ten minutes. "I want to kill those numbskulls!"
"Earth people are not
numbskulls, Jupiter!"
"Then," Jupiter turned to
Mercury. "What do you suggest we call them?"
"Ur...." At this, Mercury
blushed. "I don't know."
"How about you, Venus....wait."
Jupiter stopped when she saw that the orange-clad soldier's
expression didn't change. "Never mind."
"I hope Venus switches legs before
she loses feeling." Mars blinked. "Really, how does
she do that?"
"Shh..."
Meanwhile, the carnage continued in the
city. The shouts of little kids as they were forced out of their
homes, the sight of pop tarts flying in the air, the smell of burning
bacon and cheese.
"This is pretty bad...."
"FOOOOOOOOOOORward!"
The senshi jumped as they heard the
loud shout coming from their end of the bridge. Quickly they turned
to face whatever was there, their arms brought up into defensive
positions, only to find themselves facing a long, grey trunk.
"What the...?"
The four senshi - Venus with her
sourpuss face - looked up at the fifty-foot-tall elephant, bedecked
in silver armor and silver booties. On top of the giant elephant was
the entire army of the moon, all fifty men armed with arrows, led by
General Odd. Everyone was strapped onto the elephant by a seemingly
overcomplicated device, which connected everyone to one another.
"Senshi!" General Odd was
dressed in silver armor, and he took out his sword and waved it at
the girls. "Stand aside and let us do our job!"
"...What are you doing?"
"Plan H202-C, children!" The
general nodded to his men. "This mighty elephant from the plains
of Africa is stronger than anything else in the two worlds, and from
up here we can launch a ranged offensive. No person can withstand the
onslaught of this creature and live!"
"...I doubt it." Jupiter
scratched her head. "Where're the rest of your men?"
"Ah! You of little
faith! Just like her Majesty!" The general laughed as he roused
the elephant onward. "You may have the strength of the gods, and
the Earthlings may have strength in numbers. But we, my dears,
have strength in genius!"
The senshi began to sweat at this bold
assertion. Meanwhile, the elephant stomped past them, amid the cheers
of the moon army, which turned and sneered at the girls; they had
always been jealous of the senshi and their powers, and it was
finally time to show that they were better.
"All right, men!" The general
shouted to his men. "You know what to do. Mow through these
bastards; they will cower in fear at the sight of this fearsome
beast! Then, we go down to Earth and commence with the month-long
orgy!"
"SIR!" There were sparkles in
the men's eyes as they heard the plan. "YES SIR!"
So the elephant lumbered into the
burning capital, trumpeting loudly as it did. At the sound, soldiers
began to look around, confused, until they spotted the animal using
its trunk to smash buildings so that it could fit through the
streets.
"What the....an elephant?"
The Earthlings stared as the elephant stomped towards them. "What
the hell's this all about?"
"Maybe it wants peanuts."
"I think these moon people have
lost their peanuts." At this, one of the soldiers jumped
down from the roof he was on. "General!"
"What is it?" At this,
Nephrite appeared out of a bank, his hands full of bags. "What
do you....oh. That."
"Yeah." The soldier nodded as
the elephant plodded closer. "What do you want us to do with
that? Stab it to death and sell its tusks?"
"No!" At this, Nephrite
turned and went back into the bank. "That's not funny enough.
Corporal!"
"Yes, sir!"
"You still have it?"
"Sure do, sir!"
"Good, let it loose."
With a nod, the corporal opened its
hands, and out popped a fluffy little white mouse, which quickly
scurried outside for air. Looking around, its nose twitching, it saw
the elephant and began to hobble towards it curiously.
"Forward!" General Odd
shouted with victorious rancor. "I think they're retreating!..."
Then the elephant saw the mouse, and it
let out a frightened trumpet. Confused, the general began to hit the
side of the elephant's head to calm it down, but it wouldn't.
"Come on, what's the matter?!"
The general mumbled. "Quit being a baby and chaAAAAAAAUGH!!!!"
It was at that moment that the elephant
chose to buck, causing several of the moon men to hang off of the
side of the animal, flailing helplessly. Then, it turned around -
smashing buildings and men as it did - and began to run back towards
the bridge as fast as it could. The mouse, meanwhile, scampered to
follow, only to lose interest and leap into a sewage drain.
"No!! NO!!!" The men screamed
as General Odd cried out without success. "Retreat backwards,
you stupid animal!! No! the river-"
The general had no time to react, for,
as the elephant went to cross the bridge, it slipped, and tumbled
into the water, unable to swim due to its heavy armor. Being fastened
to the elephant did the moon army no favors, either; they shrieked
and struggled, they hit each other and stabbed their comrades with
arrows. But it did them no good, and soon, all that was left were a
few large air bubbles rising to the surface.
"HOORAY!!" The crowd roared.
"THAT'LL TEACH YOU! STUPID IMMORTALS! HAHAHA!!"
"Yeah!" Someone shouted.
"That's for not ever listening to us!"
"This is forever ignoring our
cries of pain!"
"This is for my homies in
De-TROOOOOOOIT!!"
There was cheering and dancing among
the soldiers who had seen what had happened; meanwhile, more flames
began to shoot up across the city. Watching the mayhem, Nephrite
could only smile.
"Well, one obstacle down to the
Moon Palace." His eyes narrowed in order to focus on the bridge.
"And four very sexy obstacles left to go...."
!~*~!
On the bridge, the senshi watched as
the elephant plunged into the river, and with it, the entire moon
army. None of them - aside from Venus - could suppress a chuckle.
"Yup," Mars snorted. "There's
strength in genius for you."
