WHISKEY
TANGO FOXTROT
Final:
May Cause Heartburn
*BEGIN
EXTRA REEL*
5-
4-
3-
2-
*boop*
The
four sailor senshi, defenders of the moon kingdom, were sitting
passively on the bridge leading from the capital to the Moon Palace,
eating pop tarts. Leading them was valiant Venus, her hair flying in
the wind.
“I
still can't believe those guys betrayed us.” Mars kicked a
stone across the bridge. “Seriously. What does that evil witch
Beryl have that we don't?”
“Boobs?”
"Shut
u-"
Mars
stopped at the sound of plopping water, followed by the sound of
cracking glass. Somewhere in the vicinity, the sound of someone
swearing came through from behind a pillar.
".....goddamnit...."
"Um...."
Mars turned red as the other senshi turned away from her and began to
whistle. "Oops? Uh....sorry?"
"Cut!"
The now-broken camera, complete a rock sticking out of the len, rose
out of the water as the director slapped his head. "Mars, did
you have to do that? Oooh, now this is gonna set us back a
week...."
"I
said I was sorry-"
"Shut
up!" Mars was cut off by the director, who stomped away. "Look
like we just won't have a panty shot, will we? PLACES!"
".....Did
he just panty shot?"
"That's
not in our contract." Mercury glared at the director. "Come
on, I say we go give this guy a little talk."
With
that, the three senshi, sans Venus, went off to the side, out of view
of the story. There was a scream, followed by a crash, then an
abrupt silence; soon, the smell of charred skin drifted through the
air.
"....There."
Coming back into the story, and clearly looking pleased, Sailor
Mercury turned towards the cameramen and grips, who clearly looked
disturbed by what they just saw. "Let's take that from the top,
shall we?"
*boop*
“EARTHLINGS!
I hope you all ate a hearty breakfast. Because tonight,” Beryl
shook her fist. “We dine in HELL!!!”
“YEAAAAAH!!!!!!!”
The
shouts of the troops echoed through the open moon plain that they had
just landed on, even more so as the soldiers beat their chests. They
were ready for war, for bloodshed. They were ready to kill.
Then,
all of a sudden, someone’s phone rang.
*badu
badu dudu boodoo doo-duuu…*
“Oh…!”
Everyone began patting themselves. “Oh, is that…no, is
it….who’s phone is that?”
“Augh,
sorry.” Taking her phone out of her cleavage, Beryl flicked it
open. “Of course it has to be right in the middle
of….Hello? Hello, who is this?”
The
Earth warriors waited patiently as their leader took the call. They
watched as her face grimaced at the news she was given over the
telephone, and they wondered what it was.
“….What
do you mean, you’re full?!
I made reservations, damnit!” Beryl huffed. “When
can…..it’s a five hundred year wait?!….yes, I can
make alternate arrangements,” the sage sighed at this. “Yeah,
sure. Thanks. Bye.”
With
that, Beryl slammed her phone shut and stuffed it back into her
cleavage, looking visibly annoyed. At this, the soldiers began to
look at one another warily, wondering what was about to happen.
“Asshole…”
After muttering under her breath, Beryl raised her voice. “Right,
change of plans! Tonight…..we dine at MCDONALD’S!”
“….McDonald’s?”
There was a murmur. “Uh, ok, we’re game! BIG MACS
FOREVER!!”
“YEAH!!”
-
“….we’re
doing CHINESE!!”
“…Chinese?
Right!!” At this, Jadeite took out his sword. “Troops!
GET THE GUARDIAN CATS!!”
“YEEEEEAAAAAH!!!”
At
this, the army was off before Beryl could stop them. Instead, she was
left to cough as the huge amount of dust that her army had kicked up
in their stead.
“Huaaaah!”
she gasped out. “Troops, wait up!”
“….we
dine at THE HARD ROOOOOOCK!!”
“…..YEAAAAAAAAAH!!”
Evil eye finger signs flew up everywhere at this, and several
soldiers began to play air guitar with their weapons. “Screw
hell!! Hell’s for sissies!”
“…All
right!” The generals looked at Beryl, their eyes widened,
before throwing their hands up as well. “Way to go, bitch!”
“ROCK
ON!!! ROCK ON!!!”
“Rrrrgh…”
Behind them, a Metallica headband suddenly appeared on Metaria, as
did some skyscraper-sized woofers. “Righteous…..righteous….rrrrgh…..”
Soon,
the entire Earth army turned into a giant mosh pit, where people,
beer, glass, and shirts were tossed about. Girls shuttled in from
Earth and from various moon settlements hoisted themselves up and
began to flash their breasts, to the approval of the crowd. Looking
down at the debauched scene, even Beryl decided it was better late
than never, so she ripped her dress off - revealing a tank top that
said WHITESNAKE and ripped jeans - and leaped from the rock,
straight into the heart of the moshing.
“….Well!”
At this, Zoicite took out a joint as AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck”
began to blare out of the unholy sound system. “This is
definitely my kind of war!!”
*boop*
“I
command you, demon....” Energy blasted from the staff, straight
into the mass. “Accept this energy.....awaken!!”
The
energy hit the mass head on. At this, the cave began to rumble, with
rocks crumbling down to the ground. The columns also disappeared, as
the black mass began to pulse with life.
"....Graaaaugh."
The big cloud of smoke opened its blood-red eyes. "Conquer
universe. Kill people. Eat things....Destroy...."
Then
the mass stopped. It's eyes narrowed, as if it was waiting for
something, yet nothing happened. After a moment, the monster growled.
“Rrrrrr......Give
me a moment." The generals stumbled in while the monster
shut its eyes and began to sweat. "Come on, intestines! I
even ate bean burritos....!"
*boop*
"Hey,
Jacob?"
"Mmm,
Priam?"
"....You
don't suppose that's a rain cloud over the city, do you?"
"Mmm."
Jacob took up a pair of binoculars. "Let me look."
At
this, Jacob took the binoculars, but instead of looking at the
direction Priam was pointing, he looked downward, towards the river.
He began to giggle and drool as he continued to look.
“Heheh...something's
going on there...”
".....I
give up," Priam threw his hands up in disgust and stormed off as
a trickle of blood began to come out of Jacob's nostril. "That
does it. There's no hope for him. Call me when the story's over..."
*boop*
"Rar.....kill."
The
generals looked at their troops, who were clearly yearning to fight.
Then they looked up at the Metaria monster, whom none of them
trusted. Even the Metaria monster looked ready to kill.
At
this, Jadeite sighed.
"I
wish Zoicite hadn't gone off." At this, he drew his sword,
signaling his soldiers to fall back. "I'd have made him go
first."
"Chicken."
"Am
not!"
"All
right!" Ignoring his comrade, Nephrite held his hand up. "We
shall go. Troops, stay with the monster until I give the signal."
"What?"
The troops began to get mad. "We don't get to kill those
disgusting harlots!? You greedy bastards!"
"Ahem."
Nephrite put his hands on his hips. "Do you want Pop-Tarts after
this battle? Then you'll do as I say! Or should I start passing out
the boxes of Fruit Loops......eh?”
Nephrite
turned to see that his troops had stopped, and were staring out at
him, past him. He frowned at their seeming insubordination, and
turned to talk to Jadeite, only to find he was doing the same thing.
“Now
what i....” He turned to look at what they were staring at,
only to find himself gawking as well. "...Woah."
In
front of the army were two nimble young girls, both with wavy blonde
hair, both exactly alike, who had suddenly appeared out of nowhere,
embracing each other. They were whispering strange things about
horses to each other, and giggling as they appeared; when they saw
the Earth army, one of them began to playfully slide her partner's
top off, revealing the nymph-like bust and taut stomach underneath.
The partner did the same, and soon the two were almost completely
uncovered, kissing each other passionately and licking each other
like little fluffy kittens.
Almost
instantaneously, every Earth nostril in the vicinity erupted
volcanically with blood.
"....Now
THAT," One soldier pointed. "Is what I'm talkin' about when
I say conquest! OOOOOH yeah!"
"Oh
my God...." Jadeite's eyes almost rolled to the back of his head
at the site. "Must...must keep....controllllofmyselfohGod..."
"Oooooooh!"
Money began flying towards the pair. "What I wouldn't give to
put my you-know-what into their you-know where!"
As
the money floated down, the two girls stopped their show and looked
at the men. To many of the men, they almost looked bored to see them,
but to the generals (save Jadeite), they could see something
bordering on sadistic hunger as they smiled, their near naked bodies
still intertwined.
"Hello."
One licked her lips as she spoke in a voice that almost tinkled. "Who
here would like to dance with us?"
"Oooh
OOH!!" Dozens of hands shot up. "Me me! Pick me!!"
"No,
pick me!"
"I'll
pay you your weight in gold!"
"Mah
penis is like a lawnmower, ladies! I'll gladly cut your
grass!"
"Oh
yeah, well mine's big!"
"Oh?
Well mine's-"
"HOLD
IT!!!!"
The
soldiers suddenly fell silent at the sudden voice, expecting their
generals to turn around and berate them. Instead, however, a
heavyset, spectacled girl, wearing a black t-shirt and denim pants,
huffed from one of the buildings, her frizzy brown hair whipping
around her.
"Hold
it.....hold......it...." She took several gasps before
continuing. "Time out. This is not in the story. I'm pretty sure
of it."
"What
the-"
"SHUT
UP! This is none of your business." This immediately silenced
the soldiers as the girl took out a notepad and stared at the girls.
"Ok...you two people...who the heck are you?"
"Mmmm...."
One of the girls stared at the newcomer, licking her lips. "Why,
we are Beryl's beautiful lesbian homicidal psychopathic shadowboxing
adopted twin daughters. And we are here," the girls smiled
maliciously. "To serve."
"Oh, ye-"
"HEY!
Did I tell you to move, girly man?!" Pushing Jadeite away, the
girl quickly perused her notepad. "Homicidal....homi.....eh....no,
you definitely don't belong here. I've already filled my lesbian
quota for this story."
"....There're
more lesbians!?" Jadeite cried out. "Oh, why, why
wasn't I told!?"
"Wait
a minute...." Nephrite suddenly looked suspicious. "What
'story'? This isn't a 'story'! Who are you?"
"No
one. And of course it isn't a story," the girl said
sarcastically before going to the twins. "Now look, judging by
my notepad, you are clearly in the wrong Silver Millennium
epic, so I suggest you quickly vacate the premises while you can."
"Ooh..."
The twins laughed, their tones harsh. "Look likes we have a
threat here. Maybe a kiss will make her feel better...."
"...So
come here if you want it." They began to gyrate together. "Right
on your neck, so that we can bite your jugular off."
"...Look,
you'd better make like a dog and piss off." The brown-haired
girl began to turn red. "Before you piss me off."
"Oh,
poor child," the girls cooed. "Simply jealous that she has
not been graced by beauty. What part of her mind would you like to
destroy, dear sister?"
"How
about her parents?" The other girl giggled. "Maybe any
pets."
"My
pets...."
"Oh
yes." The girls clearly struck a nerve as they suddenly began to
inch in towards their new enemy, as if they floated on air. "Let's
tear the little black kitty she has to pieces and eats its still warm
intestines raw. What a lovely treat that shall be."
"Ok,"
Jadeite weakly raised a hand. "That's a just a little gross..."
"Oh,
that did it."
Her
eyes flashing with rage, the brown-haired girl quickly snapped her
fingers; instantly, a black-cloaked sailor soldier appeared, a staff
in her hand.
"Pluto."
Authoritatively, the girl pointed to the laughing twins. "Kill."
"Yes,
ma'am." The red jewel on the staff flashed. "Get out of
this story."
The
girls started to giggle again as they continued their advance, ready
to enter into Pluto's mind. Their laugh died in their throats three
seconds later as a giant purple ball of energy hit them dead on and
blew their bodies up. When the dust cleared, all that was left were
bits of charred clothing and random tufts of blonde hair.
".....Right."
Clearly satisfied, the girl pulled on her shirt and motioned for
Pluto to exit with her, leaving behind scores of men with tears of
anguish in their eyes. "Carry on!"
*boop*
The
next moments became fuzzy for Princess Serenity. She suddenly started
to stumble forward, as if she had been pushed. She turned and thought
she saw Endymion with his arms in front of him, his eyes as big as
saucers. She didn't understand; she wasn't sure she wanted to.
Did....did
he just....?!
Suddenly,
Serenity's head exploded from the energy blast that hit it. The
remains of the body fell to the floor, as her brains splattered the
wall behind her. There was one final shudder before the corpse lay
still forever.
“....Shit!”
Seeing the princess' smoldering remains, Beryl slapped the orb on her
staff angrily. “That wasn't supposed to happen! Defective piece
of....” At this, the sorceress noticed Endymion running down
the hall and grit her teeth angrily. “HEY! Come back
here, prince pussy!!”
*boop*
“I
don't believe it....”
The
two moon guards stared at the spot where Queen Serenity just sat.
There was still a sparkle of light, though this soon dissipated as
well.
“....Well!”
Jacob nodded. “That was fun.”
“....Fun?”
Priam's face turned red. “Are you kidding!? Do you realize what
the queen just did!? She's going to use the Silver Crystal!”
“So?”
“The
power! It....” The words stuck in Priam's throat. “It
might kill the queen!”
“....So?”
There
was a long moment of silence at this. Priam looked at Jacob, unable
to comprehend how Jacob could be so blasé about the situation.
Jacob, meanwhile, looked at Priam with a bored look while he popped a
chip in his mouth, unable to figure out why Priam was so upset.
“Don't
you get it!?” Priam raised his voice to the point where
it squeaked. “That's our princess out there! Our queen,
and our princess! The ones we're supposed to protect! Does
that mean anything to you!?!?”
“Oh,
come on! Of course it does!” Jacob threw his
hands into the air. “But we can't waste our breath whining
about it!”
“Whining!?”
Priam's voice cracked as his voice resonated through the room.
“They're everything!!! The princess is EVERYTHING!!!”
“Ow!
OW!” Jacob winced. “My ears! Calm down!!”
“How
can I be calm!?!”
“By
accepting the truuuuth!” At this, Jacob grabbed Priam's
shoulders and shook them. “Yeah, they're our sovereigns,
and it's our princess, but there's comes a point where we must
accept that they're going to be mashed into a bloody messy
pulp!”
“I...I
can't....” Priam's eyes widened. “Not....not the
princess...”
“Why
not?” Jacob blinked. “It's not like you're her father
or anything! Right?”
There
was a very long silence at this. The longer the silence went on, the
more the pieces fell together. Jacob stared at Priam's bloodshot
eyes, and his mouth dropped open.
“....Oh,
you bastard!” Jacob started to laugh. “You are
her father, aren't you?”
“I-”
“Ha
ha ha!” Jacob let go of Priam, allowing him to flop to the
floor. “And to think everyone was told it was that penguin she
humped back in the day. Well, that's just rich. The private in
the queen's privates. Ha ha ha.”
“Leave
me alone,” Priam mumbled. “It's not funny.”
“Course
it is!” Priam plopped down onto a block of stone. “No one
would think a prude like you could do something like that.”
“You
wouldn't understand.” Priam shook his head. “We were
close. Even after our love diminished, I tried to keep close to the
princess. To protect her. To protect them. That's why I joined
the guard.”
“Oh,
how noble of you.” Jacob yawned. “It's not that
big of a deal. Besides, you being the princess' dad - that explains
it.”
“Explains
what?”
“Well....why
the princess looks so ugly without makeup.”
Priam's
armored fist barely missed Jacob's head at the response.
*boop*
“Oh,
Endymion…” The princess couldn’t help but blush as
she looked at the back of her prince’s head. “This
reminds me of the time we met.”
“Oh?”
“Yes,
remember?” They turned a corner. “It was when I wore that
bloody hockey mask and chased you down this very hall wielding a
hockey stick and butcher knife? It was my method of scaring away
suitors I didn’t think I’d like.”
“Yes,
dear.” There was a sigh. “I remember.”
“But
you….you were different.” Serenity smiled. “And it
was right about here where you turned, took your sword and almost
completely severed my head from my neck. That’s when I knew….”
“That
your jugular and spine were permanently damaged from the blow?”
“…Well,
yes,” Serenity paused. “That and it took me three years
to fully regain my ability to read and write, as well as wiggle my
toes. But…also, that you were the man for me. That you
were….the one.”
“That’s
wonderful, but….” Suddenly, Endymion stopped. “I
have something to confess.”
“I…..”
Endymion couldn’t contain himself. “I am the father of
Anna Nicole’s baby!”
“W….what?!”
Serenity’s eyes widened, and her lip quivered. “You
mean….?”
“Yes.”
Endymion looked solemn as he spoke. “I’m sorry, Serenity,
but…you’re just not a big enough slut to father my
children. And you have no boobs.”
“….You….I…..WAAAAAAAAAAH!!!”
With
that, Serenity slapped Endymion in the face and ran off, crying. The
prince looked on as she ran off, until she was a speck of white on
the horizon.
“Really!”
He called out. “It’s for the best, my love! I’m
sorry-“
“Uh,
cut!” Suddenly, a mechanized voice, accompanied by
feedback, came from the other side of the wall. “Endymion,
what the hell was that about?!”
“What….what
was what about?” Endymion blinked. “I was just telling
her, you know? She deserved to know, I mean…I did sleep
with her.”
“…..Well,
here’s a news flash, idiot.” The voice droned.
“You’re not the kid’s dad.”
“WHAT?!”
“Yeah,
it was the photographer, you stupid shit.” There was a
huff. “It’s not like you couldn’t just TURN ON A
TELEVISION or ASK SOMEONE and find it out for yourself. You piece
of-”
“Oh
my god.”
Turning
pale, Endymion turned and began to run as fast as he could after
Serenity. He had to throw his armor off, as it was slowing him down,
and his voice echoed through the hall as he screamed.
“Serenity,
WAIT!!!.....I was, uh, JOKING!!.....”
*boop*
"Well,
of all the..." Standing up unsteadily, Priam watched as the cats
became a speck in the sky, a look of shock on his face. "This
is....unbelievable! It can't be! We're the last two people alive in
the world! My god.....this....."
"Well,"
At this, Jacob took a bite out of a chocolate Pop Tart as he poked
the queen's body with a stick. "Least we've got plenty of food-"
Suddenly,
Serenity's hand shot up and grabbed the stick with a stiffened fist.
Jacob gave a scream at this; then the dead queen's decayed head
slowly turned towards him, and her eyes opened to reveal
maggot-filled sockets.
"Would
you mind," she croaked, clearly annoyed . "NOT
doing that, private?"
"UAAAAAAAAH!
OHGODOHGOD OH GOOOOOD-"
Without
even bothering to check if he had soiled himself, Jacob turned and
ran in the other direction. As he ran, he bumped into Uranus as she
stepped out of the doorway.
"OW!
Hey!" Uranus turned and shouted after the private, who was
already out of sight by the time she regained herself. "Watch
where you're going!"
*boop*
“You
don’t know who you’re messing with!!” Jadeite
pointed his sword at the moon guards that charged toward him. “You
may call me a girly man…..but I have a demon
inside me! A demon that thirsts for blood! A demon that makes me go
INSAAAAAAANE!!”
With
an inhuman cry, Jadeite charged at the moon guards. Unfortunately for
the general, he slipped on a banana peel that suddenly appeared out
of nowhere, and flew head first into the nearest wall. He slumped to
the floor, completely knocked out, while his soldiers and the moon
guards looked on, clearly amused.
“….Daaaaaamn.”
At this, a reptilian monster with multiple tentacles randomly burst
out of Jadeite’s chest and looked around with a confused
grimace. “That had to hurt!”
*boop*
The
discussions on the future of Earth continued in earnest, even as the
cries of Venus continued to filter into the great cave every now and
then. Indeed, the hope of getting away from Venus and Kunzite's
continual lovefest as soon as possible seemed to motivate the leaders
to get the details hammered out more quickly than would have normally
been possible. By the end of the night, the group had already decided
who would found which civilization, as well as who would get credit
for a variety of different inventions designed to restart
civilization, and they were just coming to an agreement as to who
would get the credit for domesticating the sheep.
Suddenly,
someone spoke up.
"....You
know, there's one thing I haven't figured out."
"What?"
"Earth."
The speaker motioned. "I mean, we know what happened to the men.
They all got blown up."
"Yeah...."
The lotcaster looked at the speaker. "What of them?"
"But
what about the women?" The speaker scratched his head. "It
seems strange. There're no women here save for those who escaped with
us, yet none of the women were with the army that destroyed the moon.
Where are all the Earth women?"
"Gee,
I don't know...." The lotcaster rubbed his chin. "That's a
really good question-"
The
lotcaster was interrupted by the sight of the rock at the mouth of
the cave suddenly being rolled aside. Everyone looked up, forced to
shield theire eyes momentarily from the glare of the rising sun. As
their eyes adjusted, however, they were treated to an unpleasant
sight.
"Raaaarrrrgh."
A
large group of female silhouettes appeared, staggering down towards
the leaders, moaning and groaning. Tens, then dozens, then hundreds,
then thousands, all of them with their flesh rotting and red eyes -
and all of them smelling vaguely like an unholy fart.
"Good
God....!!!" The leaders began to jump up and point.
"Zombies! Female zombies!!
"Oh...."
The lotcaster gulped as he started to back away. "So that's
what happened to them. Oh dear..."
At
this, the leaders began to run, throwing what they could to stop the
horde from getting to them. Meanwhile, the horde pursued, the scent
of live meat in their nostrils too strong to resist as they chased
their prey deep into the hallow of the mountains. It was the same
with many of the survivors the hordes found; though a few managed to
escape and thrive, many more were never seen again.
Outside
of Venus and Kunzite's cave, the zombies heard the sounds from
within, their faces grimacing.
"OH
GOD!!!" Venus' voice echoed out with ferocity. "OH....YES!!
YES!!!"
Shaking
their heads, the zombies dragged themselves past the cave, looking
for something else to feast upon. Though it would only be a matter of
time before they died from the sheer amount of orgasming they had
done, it was anyone's guess when it would actually happen.
"AAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!"
And
they kept going and going and going and going...................
One,
two
[duh
duh duhduh, duhduh duh duhduh (laa la la)
duhduh
duh duhduh, duuuh duh duhduh (laa-aa-aa-aa)
duh
duh duhduh, duhduh duh duhduh (laa la la)
duhduh
duh duhduh, duuuh duuh duhduh (laaa-aaaaa)
duh]
One,
two
If you ever hear a noise in the night
your
body starts to sweat
It shakes and shivers in fright
You go
and sleep with your mother,
she
hates your guts
She knows that you love her so she holds you
tight
All through the night, until the broad daylight
And
when she doesn't come home you have to sleep alone
Then you wet
your bed, and I think that's sad
For a girl of nineteen it's more
than sad,
it's
obscene
[duh
duh duhduh, duhduh duh duhduh (laa la la)
duhduh
duh duhduh, duuuh duh duhduh (laa-aa-aa-aa)
duh
duh duhduh, duhduh duh duhduh (laa la la)
duhduh
duh duhduh, duuuh duuh duhduh (laaa-aaaaa)
duh]
One,
two
And your girlfriend sweet little seventeen (oooooh,
ooooooh)
She's got her layered hair, and her flared jeans (oooooh,
ooooooh)
You know what that means? She's just a little queen
(oooooh, ooooooh)
She shares your London flat, (oooooh, ooooooh)
she
thinks that London's where it's at, although it stinks (oooooh,
ooooooh)
And when it rains you wear your hat, (oooooh, ooooooh)
and
your plum coloured PVC wet look maxi-mac (oooooh, ooooooh)
You tie
your ginger hair back in a bun (oooooh, ooooooh)
You're the
ugliest creature under the sun (oooooh, ooooooh)
[duh
duh duhduh, duhduh duh duhduh (laa la la)
duhduh
duh duhduh, duuuh duh duhduh (laa-aa-aa-aa)
duh
duh duhduh, duhduh duh duhduh (laa la la)
duhduh
duh duhduh, duuuh duuh duhduh (laaa-aaaaa)
duh]
one,
two,
go!
[INTERMISSION
- SKA LIVES!]
one,
two
And you think it's about time that you died, (oooooh,
ooooooh)
and
I agree, so you decide on suicide (oooooh, ooooooh)
You tried but
you never quite carried it off (oooooh, ooooooh)
You only wanted
to die in order to show off (oooooh, ooooooh)
And if you think
you're gonna bleed all over me, (oooooh, ooooooh)
you're
even wronger than you'd normally be (oooooh, ooooooh)
And the
only things you want to see are kitsch (oooooh, ooooooh)
The only
thing you want to be is rich (oooooh, ooooooh)
Your little pink
up-pointed nose begins to twitch (oooooh, ooooooh)
I know, you
know, you're just a little bitch
One, two
WHISKEY
TANGO FOXTROT
CAST
PRINCESS
SERENITY.........................Hillary
Duff Lindsay Lohan Mischa
Barton
Melissa
Joan Hart TBA
PRINCE
ENDYMION...............................................................................Eminem
QUEEN
BERYL...............................................................Geena
Davis J.J. Shinichi
"Sonny"
Chiba
QUEEN
SERENITY...........................................................................Jessica
Alba
JACOB......................................................................................................Eric
Idle
PRIAM.......................................................................................Graham
Chapman
JADEITE............................................................................Arnold
Schwarzenegger
NEPHRITE..........................................................................................Bruce
Willis
ZOICITE...............................................................................................Van
Diesel
KUNZITE......................................................................................Clint
Eastwood
KUNZITE'S
TONGUE................................................................Akira
Kubodera
SAILOR
VENUS............................................................................Britney
Spears
SAILOR
VENUS'S
TONGUE......................................................Freddy
Krueger
SAILOR
MERCURY........................................................................Kate
Winslet
SAILOR
MARS................................................................................Michael
Palin
TORSO
GIRL/SAILOR
JUPITER.................................................Dakota
Fanning
METARIA/SHADOW
WARRIORS...................................................Andy
Serkis
GENERAL
ODD................................................................................John
Cleese
EARTH
SOLDIER
#1..............................................................................Eric
Idle
EARTH
SOLDIER
#2....................................................................Tobey
Maguire
EARTH
SOLDIER
#3..................................................................Steve
McQueen
EARTH
SOLDIER
#4-#300...........................................................Russell
Crowe
LEONIDAS.....................................................................................Gerard
Butler
LUNA..........................................................................................................Benji
ARTEMIS...................................................................................................Lassie
SAILOR
PLUTO......................................................................................Herself
SAILOR
URANUS..............................................................................Elton
John
SAILOR
NEPTUNE.........................................................................Ornella
Muti
SAILOR
SATURN.................................................Lord Chaos (he
crossdressed)
THE
AUTHOR.........................................................................................Herself
COOL
BLACK BADASS DUDE WHO DOESN'T APPEAR IN THIS FILM
BUT
HAS STILL HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER F&@%ING SNAKES
ON
THIS MOTHERF&@%ING PLANE!!...........................Samuel L.
Jackson
PERSON
WHOSE BRAIN WAS BROKEN BY A READING OF THE
DUCKTALES
FIC "A LITTLE DIES EVERY TIME", WHICH HAS NO
REAL
IMPORTANCE HERE BUT NEVERTHELESS OCCURRED
DURING
THE WRITING OF THIS
FANFIC.....................................Deckman
BALLROOM
PERSON #1/SURVIVOR........................................Mario Lopez
BALLROOM
PERSON #2/SURVIVOR.............................................Jerry
Rice
BALLROOM
PERSON
#3/SURVIVOR...............................................Laila Ali
BALLROOM
PERSON #4/SURVIVOR......................................Kelly Monaco
BALLROOM
PERSON #5/SURVIVOR......................................Vivica A. Fox
BALLROOM
PERSON #6, 7, 8 & 9/SURVIVOR.......................Jerry Springer
THE
ANONYMOUS
HECKLER....................................................Mel Gibson
PENGUIN
LEADER......................................................................Elijah
Wood
EARTH
ZOMBIE
#1...........................................................Reese
Witherspoon
EARTH
ZOMBIE
#2.............................................................................Jocelyn
EARTH
ZOMBIE #3...................................................Aaron (he
crossdressed)
EARTH
ZOMBIE #4................................................Ben (he also
crossdressed)
EARTH
ZOMBIES #5-47,383................Michael Jackson (do we even need to
address
this one?)
!~*~!
WRITTEN
BY.....................................................................................Papirini
INSPIRED
BY................................................."Angel
Electric" by Lord Chaos
ALSO
INSPIRED BY.......................................All those Silver
Millennium fics
THEME
SONG
BY......................................................................The
Specials
THAT
OTHER SONG
BY..............................................................Vera
Lynn
EXECUTIVE
PRODUCER..................................................................Starsea
BETA
READER...................................................................................Starsea
BETA-BETA-READER......................................A
Monkey With a Typewriter
BETA-BETA-BETA
READER......................................Spooky the Black Cat
THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES DURING THE WRITING
OF
THIS
FANFIC................................................................George
W. Bush
PERSON
WHO SHOULD'VE BEEN PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES
DURING THE WRITING OF THIS FANFIC..Christopher Walken
SPECIAL
EFFECTS...............................WordPad Application, Windows
ME,
AOL,
Hotmail
DIRECTED
BY...............................Alan Smithee, Steven Spielberg,
Brad Pitt
and
the corpse of Kurt Vonnegut
SPECIAL
THANKS
Starsea
for being my beta. Lord Chaos for writing the fanfic that inspired me
to write this. Dejana, Ashley, mom and dad, Dr. Pepper, Monty Python,
Deck, Naoko Takeuchi, and that big fat pigeon that got into my room,
for the various forms of encouragement to write. All of the readers
who braved the whole story until the end, and anyone who tried to
read it. ASMR and .moon for hosting.
Keith
Richards for snorting his.....actually, no. Never mind.
This
fanfic is quietly dedicated to the victims of Virginia Tech~9/15/07.
THE
END
