Self-Incineration by ViperInferno

Part II

Self-Incineration
By Viper Inferno
Part II

...this was only the beginning...
 
I awoke the next morning to a ringing sound coming from the kitchen. I felt as if I had a terrible night’s sleep. But I couldn’t blame myself. That dream I had last night was very disturbing, to say the least. That dream had taken a lot out of me, as if the battle with the daimon weren’t bad enough. I had cried myself to sleep last night from being in so much agony after seeing them die, especially hearing Mother scream my name.
 
The ringing in the kitchen stopped moments later as I slowly laid back down, thinking about last night. I’d never had this dream before.  Sure, I’ve had dreams of seeing Mother and Father before, but I had never seen them like that. I’d never dreamt of seeing them in that plane, the very plane that had burned them alive. My dreams of them were always joyful ones, but this one was far from joyful. It was filled with pain, fear, and agony.
 
It really made me feel like shit. I really didn’t want to get up, but it was another ringing sound coming from the kitchen that had prompted me to roll back over and glance at my alarm clock, 10:12am.  “Holy shit!” I exclaimed as I sprung up out of bed and out of my room, nevermind the fact I was in my t-shirt and panties. I must’ve really slept hard last night, considering it was almost 8:00 when I went to bed. I ran into the kitchen where the ringing originated and picked up the phone. “Moshi Moshi?”
 
“Mako-chan, you do remember about today, don’t you?” Usagi’s voice said over the phone.
 
‘Oh yes, the study group, I almost forgot about it,’ I thought to myself before answering Usagi, “Oh no, Usagi-chan, not at all.”
 
“This is the third time I’ve called you this morning,” said Usagi, “Surely you didn’t sleep in, did you? Study group’s at 11 and Ami’s already here.”
 
“Of course I didn’t sleep in, I’m not like you,” I replied, poking back at Usagi, “And you’re not at already Rei’s this early, are you?”
 
There was silence on the phone for a minute before Usagi responded, “Very funny, Mako-chan. I swear you and Rei are out to get me sometimes.  So you are coming, right?”
 
“Of course, I’ll be there shortly,” I answered.
 
“Okay, I’ll see you there,” said Usagi before she hung up the phone.
 
“Yeah, thanks Usagi,” I said to no one in particular before I hung the phone back up. After that, I walked right back into my room to get dressed. I certainly wasn’t going to a study group at Rei’s in my t-shirt and panties. As I was putting my clothes on, I figured I’d try and forget the whole nightmare I had last night. It was over with; it was in the past. Plus, the daimon who knew everything about me was dead too, so he couldn’t do anything more to me. But it still made me wonder just how the hell he knew so much about me. How did he know about me, that I love to show my strength, yet hide it? And how did he know I feared airplanes, and why I feared them? I guess I’d never know, so it was best not to think about it.
 
After getting dressed, I turned to look at my alarm clock, 10:34am.  ‘Damn, I better get there quick,’ I thought to myself as I bolted out the door. I quickly slid my black flats on and quickly left my apartment.
 
 
 Hikawa Jinja... as the rest of my story begins
 
I arrived at the Hikawa Jinja, Rei’s house, where the others had already gathered and were awaiting my arrival. I glanced at the clock on the living room wall, 10:57am. I was on time today, though the knowing look on Usagi’s face made me doubt that.
 
“What happened, Mako-chan? Did you sleep in?” she teased.
 
“Oh, like you’ve never been the last one here, Odango,” Rei immediately poked back. I was surprised myself that Usagi wasn’t the last one here. Sure she never missed a study group, but she was almost always late getting there.
 
So after we had gotten settled, we began our studies. As I’ve said before, this was a time we looked forward to high school. But along with that came the worry over entry exams. These tests weren’t easy, especially for me. I wasn’t always the best in school, but I wasn’t too shabby either, considering I was descent in the arts. Reading was something I would do once in a while when I wasn’t cooking or cleaning house. But it was the sciences that never grabbed my interest, and was the area I sometimes struggled in.
 
Usagi was actually the one who needed these study groups more than anyone. I’m very sure she’s a smart girl and all, but she sure loved to worry so much about other stuff rather than concentrate what she should’ve be doing. She too was not exactly a sharp knife, but she sure had a spirit as white as snow and a heart as pure as Heaven.
 
I myself actually gave very little of the advice and help amongst the group, plus I was reluctant to give any of my views on certain subjects. That was mostly because I would agree with either Rei or Ami on their views, or accept Ami’s help in the science department. And as usual, at some point in our study group, Rei and Usagi had a disagreement on a subject and began their little bitch session. At times, I could’ve sworn those two hated each other as much as they bitched and argued. Usually, I just tuned them out and concentrated on my own studies. But it was a task I often found myself doing alone since Ami often inserted herself into their affair as the voice of reason, while Minako tended to Usagi if Rei ever hurt her feelings.
 
Back to the study group now, I tried my best to forget last night’s battle with the daimon, the one who knew so damn much about me, about my true self, and about my darkest secrets. Everyone else seemed to be doing a good job at putting it behind them, so it was sort of an obligation that I too put it behind me. But none of the others saw what I saw... felt what I felt... experienced the ordeal I experienced last night. I tell you, it sure as hell was no easy task for me, but I did it, nonetheless. How? I had no damn clue. It must’ve been the fact we all were concentrating on our studies. Like I said, the sciences weren’t easy for me, so they weighed heavily on me as I tried to sort it all out, with some success too.
 
It was after some time during our study group, after I had gotten some pointers from Ami and tried myself to see for myself what she was saying, that Usagi had a disagreement and Rei made fun of it. That was the start of yet another annoying bitch session. God how I was really starting to hate this. Every time a day with the study group was starting to look up for me, those two had to start their arguing. So as usual, I just tuned them out, figuring I can just work on this science that Ami had helped me on earlier.
 
It actually wasn’t that bad as I just made it out to be. I had gotten used to tuning their arguing out and studying over the racket they made. Also, I found it easier to understand a little bit of physics on my own too, after Ami had helped me out a little. Physics was usually a difficult subject for me, and one I often hated. But after a little session with Ami, I looked at it with a little better understanding, seeing the answers there for myself. This was probably going to be my best study group since we’d first begun on our entry exams, and I wasn’t going to let Rei’s and Usagi’s bitching stop that from happening.
 
But that still didn’t make their argument any less annoying.  Actually, it was really starting to piss me off. I was ready to get up and get the hell out of the room and take my books elsewhere. I was doing a fine job after Ami had helped me out, so I would’ve been fine just studying the sciences elsewhere.
 
So I decided to leave, to get away from their constant, loud, annoying bitching. But when I got up, I saw this flash, just a bright flash that had frozen me right there. I really couldn’t explain it, except that it seemed like I was the only one who just now saw it. Rei and Usagi were still bitching, while Ami was busy herself trying to tune them out as she was helping Minako straighten out some of her studies. Hell, they probably didn’t even notice that I had stopped all of a sudden. ‘You contradict yourself, Makoto. You hide your pain and fear with anger and wrath,’ echoed in my mind. I was angry, I was getting sick of their arguing.
 
So I began walking out of the living room, away from their bitching so I could try and get some good studying done. Damn, I hope their breaking my concentration didn’t hurt my studies. But right as I had entered the doorway, I saw another quick flash, again stopping me dead in my tracks. Maybe this was just in my mind, especially when that voice returned, ‘That trauma became your fear, and all your life you used the wrath of a warrior’s attitude to bury it deep.’
 
At that moment, I recognized the voice. It was that damn daimon we had fought yesterday. Right as his words echoed in my mind, I saw yet another flash, only this time I was no longer at the Hikawa Jinja, but was in an endless void with absolutely nothing in around me. All I heard were the screams of many people in panic. So I turned round and saw a raging inferno burning behind me, consuming a few of the people as it drew closer to me.
 
With my heart racing in fear, I immediately turned to run. But it was as if my feet were concrete blocks, like everything was happening so fast around me, yet I was moving in slow motion. I was going nowhere.  In my attempt to flee, I tripped and fell to my knees. Right before the flames came to me, I turned away and laid my face in my hands. Amongst the screams was a familiar voice screaming “Mako-chan!!!!!” I knew it was my mother’s voice from last night’s dream, the same voice that had drawn tears to my eyes afterward.
 
“Mako-chan?” another voice echoed, calling to me. I looked up, still seeing the flames around me, yet they were more subtle, tame, and harmless. The screams that had filled the endless void with sheer terror had been silenced. And all I heard what that echoing voice calling my name. The voice was another one that was familiar to me, but this one was a more of a friendly voice than an agonizing one.
 
“Mako-chan?” Usagi’s voice called to me, finally breaking me from this dreadful trance, “Are you alright? You look pale.” She had the backs of her fingers on my check, gently feeling it as if she were trying to feel for some kind of temperature. She was also wearing a look of worry on her face, the same look she’d worn yesterday after I had shut that damned daimon up after scaring the hell out of me with that hallucination.
 
“Yeah, I’m fine Usagi-chan. I’m just feeling a little sick, that’s all,” I said, covering up what had really happened, yet reassuring her.  Actually, it wasn’t that far off from the truth. Just as it did yesterday, this vision left me feeling a little drained after fear had once again struck me deep in the heart.
 
“You want me to take you home?” Usagi asked, taking my hand in hers. Her hand felt quite warm in mine. It was either that or mine were just cold compared to hers. “My God, you’re hands are cold, and they’re trembling,” Usagi commented, answering that question. At least hers were warm to the touch, and rather soothing too. But why wouldn’t I be trembling? I was on an airplane about to be burned alive. It sure as hell wasn’t a pleasant experience. But now, I felt relieved, relieved that it was all just a hallucination. And I felt safe with Usagi’s warm, gentle touch. “No thanks, Usagi-chan. I can make it through,” I answered, showing a little of that tough girl attitude Usagi’s grown to love. Plus I wanted to finish my studies with the group.
 
“Are you sure? We don’t have long to go today,” Usagi asked.  Right then, I was thinking Usagi knew something was wrong. But it was probably just her worrying about me and wanting to make sure I was alright. I mean look how we tended to Rei when she was sick. Even Usagi almost never let her out of her sight.
 
So the study group was almost over. At least this was one of the best times I’ve had studying for these entrance exams, that was until I had this damned awful hallucination. So why not, Usagi? “Alright, I can use a little rest anyway,” I submitted. If Usagi was doing this for me, then I might as well have accepted it. So I rose to my feet and turned back to the group. Ami was still busy helping Minako out, while Rei was looking at us with her own look of concern on her face.
 
“Is she alright, Usagi-chan?” Rei asked. Hey, I was her friend too, why wouldn’t she be concerned about me. And I knew Ami and Minako were too, especially since Minako had a hard time trying to listen to Ami as she too was glancing over in my direction. I smiled at Rei, letting her know I was going to be fine.
 
“Yes, Rei-chan. She just needs to rest, that’s all,” Usagi replied.
 
“Okay, you two go ahead. Study group’s almost over anyway, so I won’t scold you for bailing out early,” said Rei, giving Usagi a teasing wink. Somehow, Usagi didn’t even respond to it as she usually did. I mean, I caught that pun easily. It must’ve been Usagi’s concern for me that had shielded her from Rei’s wise-crack. We just simply made our way to the front door and slid our shoes on.
 
“Thank you, Rei-chan,” Usagi said as she and I made our way out the door.
 
“Get well soon, Mako-chan,” Rei called out.
 
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After we had left the temple, Usagi let go of my hand, probably because she didn’t want anyone seeing her as some sort of lesbian. That part was fine by me, but still it was rather soothing having her hand in mine. It made me feel safe, serene, and protected. But at least she was walking me home, so it didn’t bother me too much.
 
“Are you sure you’re alright, Mako-chan?” Usagi asked, “You haven’t been quite yourself since last night.” I could’ve sworn that was like the third time she’s asked that today. This time, I wasn’t quite as thankful for her concern as I was the first time, but rather I was more annoyed that she seemed to be prying into my feelings, trying to make me say what was going on. She’s my friend and all, but enough already.
 
“Yes, I’m fine, Usagi-chan. I’m just not feeling good, that’s all,” I replied, holding back my moodiness. And yes, I haven’t been feeling quite myself lately, ever since last night to be exact. She couldn’t understand what I had seen last night, what I had dreamt, and what I saw just then. She’s not afraid of airplanes like I am, she doesn’t have hatred for them, and she damn well hasn’t lost anyone she’s loved in a plane crash either. But I couldn’t tell her, I couldn’t tell anyone. I was supposed to be the rough, tough, ass-kicking girl who would never let fear get in her way. She was going to be in for one hell of a disappointment if I told her what was really wrong with me.
 
So for now, I thought I’d just change the subject and get both our minds of off this, “Hey Usagi-chan, how was study group for you?”
 
“Huh?” Usagi grunted, wondering why I popped out that question after she had expressed her concern for me, “Well, I think I did alright... maybe, I guess. Science is such a boring subject, and I can’t even understand math very well either. Ami had to help me most of the way through it.”
 
“Yeah, she helped me too,” I said, “But did you understand it better after Ami had pointed it out to you?”
 
“A little,” Usagi meekly replied, obviously bending the truth a little.
 
“Well, I really got to understanding the sciences a little better after Ami had helped me out. Science is a subject I really don’t care for either, but after Ami’s help, I was better able to understand it all for myself,” I explained.
 
“I see,” Usagi replied, “Maybe I’ll pay attention to Ami a little better next time.” She smirked at her own comment, and I myself almost chuckled at it.
 
After a nice walk, we finally made it to my apartment. Home, it felt good to be here. And I was actually feeling more thankful for Usagi, just because she was there with me. As long as she didn’t ask that question again, I was fine. But hell, who gave a shit if she asked or not. She loved me and cared a lot about me, so it was natural that she would be worried about me if something didn’t seem right. She was kind of like a sister to me, and I loved her just the same.
 
I slid my key into the door and gently pushed it open. Usagi stayed where she was while I walked inside, sliding out of my flats at the door. I then turned back to Usagi, “Thank you, Usagi-chan.” I smiled at her, letting her know I was going to be okay. At least, I hoped I was going to be fine.
 
“Anytime, Mako-chan,” Usagi replied, smirking back at me, “See you later, alright?” She then turned and made her way down the hall and out of sight.
 
“Yeah... later,” I said to myself as I gently shut the door. I really didn’t feel too good with her gone just then. She really did make me feel better during our nice walk home. It had gotten my mind off of that dreadful flashback. But after she had left, it came right back and weighed on my shoulders.
 
Damn I was hating this, and damn that daimon for even bestowing this upon me. If it weren’t for him, I still wouldn’t be feeling so...  exposed, so humiliated. He knew all about me, he knew I had lost my parents, which eventually became everything about me. That trauma had become my fear, which then I hid with anger, wrath, and pride. And then, I hid that pride with my feminism, my household chores, my love for cooking, and even my desire to become a great chef. He knew all that about me, and it made me feel so naked, so exposed. And seeing all my fears again frightened me, putting it mildly. I almost cried when I first saw it last night, I wept like a baby when I saw my parents death in my dreams, and I felt like crying right then after Usagi had left.
 
So I slumped down on the sofa in the living room and let a few tears shed as the dreams dominated my mind. I never thought I would ever have to face my fear of flying, seeing as I can take a boat or a train. But it was that daimon and some psychic power he had that made me face those fears almost first hand. Sure, I was never really on the plane, but it looked and even felt real. And the words that had forever changed my life, that was definitely real. Maybe not last night when I saw it again, but it really did happen.
 
The dream, I never had it before. I’d never dreamt of witnessing their deaths from within. They were so happy, so peaceful, very much enjoying themselves and looking forward to coming home, coming home and seeing me again. But then that peace shattered in an instant when the plane exploded in mid-air. In an instant, the cabin had transformed from peaceful chatter to terrified screaming. But what had struck me the hardest was when Mother had screamed my name just before the plane hit, as if she were desperately calling for me. As I’ve said before, that must’ve been how it really happened on the plane.
 
With Mother’s cries echoing in my mind again, I threw my hands over my face and burst out crying. “Mother... I’m so sorry,” I whimpered through my own sobs. I missed her... I missed Father. It had been so long since they died. But since last night, it felt like it had just happened the day before. I felt the same pain, the same hurt, the same loss I felt the day it happened. I figured I should just let the tears of pain flow, let myself grieve, let myself mourn all over again.  Pretending it never happened would’ve just left an open wound within me, one that would’ve forever bled unless I did something to close it. I didn’t hold back when they died, and I surely didn’t hold back just then. So there I cried, letting my emotions pass by.
 
After I had cried away my pain, my grief, my sorrow, I had laid down on the sofa and closed my eyes. There, I cleared my mind as I let my body and mind slowly fall into sleep. I had taken a nice short nap after the study group. The whole vision and the pain I felt when I came home had left me drained. After my little nap, I was actually starting to feel better, both in my body and in my mind. But damn, was I hungry. So I decided to go to my kitchen and do what it was I did best, cook me a descent meal.
 
Cooking was always something I enjoyed. It was an art, really, something to truly be appreciated. One had to be gifted to truly grasp the concept of it. Cooking wasn’t all following a recipe, rather it was how you did it that made the dish a true work of art. But it was something I spent a lot of time and effort doing. It kept my mind on it and off of other things, such as school, exams, things that bothered me, and even the really cute guy I may have seen earlier that day.
 
So I grabbed my cookbook and browsed through the main dishes I was to cook. I had figured I’d prepare a good-sized course, figuring Usagi would probably come over the next day and want something. And knowing her, she surely would’ve finished off the leftovers. When I found a main dish to make, I jotted it down on a notepad and browsed through the side dishes, jotting down anything I thought sounded appetizing at the time.
 
With my list of dishes, I grabbed my ingredients and began preparing my meal. Throughout the rest of the day, I worked hard on preparing a fine full-course meal, fit for an emperor. Preparing 6 dishes was no easy task, not even for a well-disciplined expert like myself. I had literally spent hours at the stove, keeping watch and tending to the pots and oven. My cooking had kept me busy the rest of the day, but it was surely well worth the effort. When I had finally finished, I felt I had accomplished something. I had the table set just as if there were four of us eating there that day. I had always done it that way, whether it was just me, or if any of my friends were over. If there were more than four of us, I just set the table for that many of us.
 
So I sat at the table, all by myself, and partook in my gourmet meal. After the first few bites, I was once again assured that my efforts were well spent. I had done something I loved, prepared one helluva good meal, and it kept my mind off of other things. Not once did I worry about my entrance exams, and not once did I dwell on the dreams and flashbacks, nor did I ever have another one, not for the rest of the day.
 
After I had finished my meal, and had put away the leftovers, I glanced over at the clock in the kitchen, 10:12pm. It was getting late, and I was getting tired. I really did spend a lot of time cooking. So I decided it was best that I retired for the evening. I didn’t think of anything else but my head hitting the pillow. So I walked into my room, slipped out of my clothes and into my pajamas, and crawled into my bed.  That day surely was one helluva day. I had a great study session, only to be cut a little short by that dreadful flashback of last night’s dream, I came home crying, even though Usagi didn’t see it, but it ended great afterwards with my favorite hobby and an exquisite meal.  With the good times dwelling on my mind, I closed my eyes and silently slipped into sleep.
 
No more nightmares, no more flashbacks, no more pain, no more fear. It’s all too good to be true...
 
 ...but that’s not my whole story, it didn’t end there...
 
end of part II

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Disclaimer: As usual, Sailor Moon and most of the characters ain't mine, but belong to Naoko Takeuchi. And God bless that woman for creating such great entertainment for all of us with a lot of free time on our hands to enjoy. The English dub belongs to DiC Entertainment and Cloverway, and I only thank them for bringing' it to America, nothin' more. But Russell Hino/Hino Kyodai, Tuxedo Inferno, Titanius, and Deanna Kokorono/Kokorono Meijin are MINE (in a growling voice). So, please don't sue me. I'm just a lonely man who ain't got anythang but his pride. Well, y'all enjoy this fanfic and e-mail me.

Have fun Sailor Moon fans,
Viper Inferno
(Y2V)

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