PAPIRINI
PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS
IN
ASSOCIATION WITH NO ONE IN PARTICULAR
A
STORY OF EPIC PROPORTIONS
In
a village of La Mancha, the name of which I have no desire to call to
mind, there lived not long since one of those gentlemen that keep a
lance in the lance-rack, an old buckler, a lean hack, and a greyhound
for coursing. An olla of rather more beef than mutton, a salad on
most nights, scraps on Saturdays, lentils on Fridays, and a pigeon or
so extra on Sundays, made away with three-quarters of his income. The
rest of it went in a doublet of fine cloth and velvet breeches and
shoes to match for holidays, while on week-days he made a brave
figure in his best homespun. He had in his house a housekeeper past
forty, a niece under twenty, and a lad for the field-
**WE
APOLOGIZE FOR THE SUDDEN INTERRUPTION OF THE STORY. IT APPEARS WE
UPLOADED THE WRONG STORY. PLEASE WAIT WHILE WE PASTE THE CORRECT
STORY INTO THE APPLICATION.**
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**MAYBE
GET A SODA, MAKE SOME DINNER. THIS MAY BE AWHILE.**
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!~*~!
PAPIRINI
PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS
IN
ASSOCIATION WITH NO ONE IN PARTICULAR
A
STORY OF EPIC PROPORTIONS
A
TALE TOLD BY AN IDIOT
AND
SPONSORED BY YOUR LOCAL FORD DEALER
(without
commercial interruption)
WHISKEY
TANGO FOXTROT
1:
Batteries Not Included
It
was a dark and stormy night, in the dark and stormy North Pole.
“Wait!”
“Stop!!”
“No!!”
Four men's boots pounded against the rock of the ground as snow
billowed into the cave with them. “Stop this instant!!”
Their
target did not hear them, nor did she care. Hair flying, eyes ablaze
and glowing staff in hand, she raced down the stairs of the ancient
catacomb, coming to the bottom of the flight, in front of a pair of
heavy doors.
“Phew!”
One strike of the staff forced the doors open for her. “The
Elders Sages had better be right about what is down here.....I don't
have much time...!”
Her
robes flying around her, the woman was quickly plunged into darkness.
All that could be seen were two garnet pillars, both glowing like
smoldering embers from a dying fire. Bracing herself, she held her
staff out, which glowed a bright white.
There
it is...
“Beryl!”
Voices began to echo through the antechamber. “Beryl...!”
Quickly,
Beryl turned her glowing staff towards the columns, which held
between them a dense, black cloud of smoke. Throwing her arms
forward, Beryl stared at the mass, dropping to her knees.
“I
command you, demon....” Energy blasted from the staff, straight
into the mass. “Accept this energy.....awaken!!”
The
energy hit the mass head on. At this, the cave began to rumble, with
rocks crumbling down to the ground. The columns also disappeared, as
the black mass began to pulse with life.
"....Graaaaugh."
The big cloud of smoke opened its blood-red eyes. "Conquer
universe. Kill people. Eat things....Destroy...."
With
that, the monster expelled a powerful burst of flatulence, which
caused a dark green cloud to descend through the chamber. Still
bowing, Beryl coughed violently, tears coming to her eyes.
"You....have
to be kidding me," she gasped. "Don't we have enough
problems with the greenhouse effect?!"
"Stop!!
Halt! Alto...!"
The
four men who had chased her down into the caverns immediately
stopped, gasping at their lack of air from running. It also didn't
help that they had hit the wall of gas that was now mercilessly
filtering out of the cave, like a funnel of smoke.
"Oh....my.....GOD!"
Zoicite was the first to collapse to the ground, gasping for dear
life as he did. "Beryl, did you have to pick the spirit
whose gas kills cancer on contact?!"
"Uuuaaack!"
On his knees, Jadeite croaked. "Augh, urge to dry heave
rising..."
"Oh!"
At this, Beryl stumbled over to the four figures on the floor. "Stop
whining! You're the Heavenly Kings, not a pack of babies!"
"Well,
I don't care what you say, Beryl," Nephrite shut his eyes
tightly. "But I really want to cry now."
“Couldn't
you have just waited for us?”
“You're
pretty damn fast in heels, Beryl...”
"Be
quiet." Beryl glared at the three. "You should all be more
like Kunzite once in a while. He doesn't bitch about every little
thing we come across."
At
this, all three looked at Kunzite, who was already standing. His cold
silver eyes were staring back at them, and his ever present
snarl-frown was on his face as he looked over in the direction of the
monster.
"...Kunzite?"
Jadeite barely suppressed a laugh. "He looks constipated."
"He
always looks constipated, Jadeite." Zoicite shrugged. "What's
new?"
"Now!"
The group quickly stood at attention as Beryl began to speak again.
"This is the moment we have been waiting for. It has been a year
in the making, but finally, we have, in our possession.....the
ancient Metaria monster!"
With
that, Beryl thrust her staff forward, and a bright purple beam shot
from it. Like a lasso it wrapped around the monster before sinking
into it. As this was done, the monster began to slowly move towards
Beryl, like the cloud it was.
"Beryl,"
At this, Nephrite spoke again. "Are you certain this is a good
idea? I mean, the Elder Sages...they're not exactly the best source
of information on this kind of monster-taming....”
“Seconded.”
“Thirded.”
“...and,”
Nephrite continued after the tight-faced Kunzite didn't respond,
“this monster seems to be pretty, uh, strong."
"Would
you rather I didn't ask about it and go on with our plan
empty-handed?" Beryl took several steps back, holding her staff
up again. "Besides, my binding spell is my strongest power. Not
even a god could break it. So...."
At
this, another blast of energy shot out from the staff, this time
glowing a bright neon purple. It encircled the monster several times
before disappearing; as the spell finished, the blood red eyes dulled
to a hue of brown.
"....Watch."
With that, Beryl brought her staff back down. "Metaria, demon of
darkness. Listen here; you are now under my command. You will obey my
every instruction. Do you understand?"
"Graaaaugh....."
The monster stared at Beryl. "Yes."
"Excellent."
Beryl held her staff up. "Now, to finish what was started. The
people of Earth are filled with anger; use your power to fan the
flames and prepare them for battle on the moon!"
"The
moooon.....” The monster's eyes flashed at this.
"Graaaaugh.....yeeesss, master....."
With
a smile, Beryl stepped back, and went to return to the mouth of the
cave, motioning for the generals to follow her. They did so, though
each of them took a turn at looking at Metaria nervously as it
followed them.
"Today,
my friends...." They started up the stairs. "Today is the
day we finally.....get our revenge....!"
!~*~!
The
evening stars had already begun to twinkle in the sky when Princess
Serenity, the most beautiful maiden in the galaxy, finally dared to
venture out onto her balcony. She had gone through several days of
moping, refusing to dress or to participate in court. It took all of
her servants to convince her to do something that day, and so she had
strolled he gardens. But it did not quiet her heart.
My
love....
She
had spent hours getting ready for the ball that her mother had
organized for that night. Putting on her finest white gown, she
allowed herself to be turned into a doll for the pleasure of the men
who would no doubt court her that night, thus securing for this or
that prominent moon family the hand of the princess.
But
her mind was on a person, a man, who was not of the moon, as she
stared out into the distance.
Endymion.
She
had not seen him for two weeks; this was not like him, as he always
visited her twice a day. What was worse was that she received nothing
from him to indicate he was still alive. She worried that he was dead
- or worse, had found another.
He
wouldn't. Serenity shook her head. Not Endymion! He's too
wonderful to...eh?
Her
mind trailed off to the sound of rustling leaves. Starting, she
noticed a hand come up onto her balcony, and she quickly took out one
of her hairpins. With lightning speed, she stabbed the hand with the
pin's needle point.
“Gaah!”
A yelp came from the trellis below. “Momma!”
Unfortunately
for the intruder, as he drew back, the support that connected the
trellis to the castle snapped, and he found himself flying backwards
onto the concrete with a squeal.
"Oh!!"
Serenity looked down and gasped. "It's...."
"Oooh,
my back..."
With
a groan, Endymion, Prince of Earth, tossed the trellis aside and
stood up, swaggering around a bit as he recovered. Upon seeing him,
Serenity turned bright red, and she covered her mouth.
"No,
it's, uh, ok...." The prince mumbled as he looked up. "I
didn't need those discs in my spine..."
"You
came..." Serenity smiled. "I'm so glad! Perhaps you can
accompany me to the ball, and....we can....we can show everyone our
unbreakable love?"
"Maybe....ugh....another
time." Endymion looked up at the starry-eyed princess.
"Something's come up."
"You...."
Serenity's face fell. "....forgot your tuxedo?"
"No.”
“You
forgot today was the ball?”
“No....”
“You
don't know how to dance?”
“NO....”
“You-”
“NO!”
Endymion abruptly cut the princess off. “Whatever it
is.....just....NO!!”
“....But....”
Endymion
sighed as the princess began to whimper. If there was one thing that
could have been said to the discredit of the moon princess, it was
that she seemed to cry very easily. Worse, he knew there were guards
around, so he had to think quickly before she began to wail, and thus
alert them to his presence.
“No,
no, my sweet,” he said wearily. “Don't cry; it's not you
I'm mad at.”
“O-oh...”
Serenity sniffed. “Ok...”
“I
merely come with tidings of war.”
“Oh,
that's sweet of-War?!” Serenity stopped crying, as her
eyes had suddenly bugged out. “What do you mean, war?!?”
“Shh!”
Endymion was tempted to jump up onto the balcony and throttle his
professed lover. “Not so loud. If the guards find me, they'll
surely kill me.”
“But
why?!”
“My
people have decided to revolt against the moon.” Serenity
gasped at this. “I'm afraid they've been given false ideas for
some time now, by one of my numerous stalkers.”
“Your...oh,
yeah.” Serenity mumbled. “Was it that one sicko that
publicly vowed to kiss you after she impaled your father on a stick
because he didn't agree to your marriage with her?”
“That's
the one.” Endymion nodded solemnly. “Unfortunately,
unlike all the others I've managed to collect, she also happens to be
the strongest magician on Earth, and I fear - no, I know - she
has evil designs on you and your mother. She's already corrupted my
most loyal generals, and is gathering an army of conquest. She seeks
to bring lies and misfortune to your kingdom, and take it over for
herself after she has flayed every last one of your people! And she
is coming right now!”
At
this, Endymion looked up and saw Serenity staring blankly at him. He
began to sweat; it was apparent she had lost him somewhere between
“evil designs” and “loyal generals”. Either
that, or she was in a state of denial; the prince wasn't too sure.
“I'll,
eh...” Finally, Serenity gulped. “Take your word for it.”
“Please
do,” Endymion replied, looking more worried. “Have I ever
lied to you?”
“No.”
“Then
hurry and tell someone befo-”
“'Ay,
who goes there?”
Both
Serenity and Endymion froze as they heard the sound of guards coming
down the pathway that led to the balcony. At this, Endymion gave a
quick wave, and as quickly as he could, bolted off in the opposite
direction.
“I
think that was that prince of Earth sneaking around a public ladies'
bath like a pervert with his sword....” Two guards, fully armed
and in ceremonial silver armor, came in sight of the princess,
huffing. “Oh, look, the pussy left at the first sign of danger.
Some warrior. Guess we scared him off, huh?”
“Well,”
The other guard slapped his knees. “We'd probably do a better
job if we weren't wearing so much stuff.”
“Yeah,
I guess so.” Looking at the broken trellis, then up to the
balcony, the first guard waved. “Hello, princess! Are you ok?
Did he hurt you?”
“Y-yes...”
Serenity blushed. “I m-mean, no, I'm all right....”
“Good!”
The guard took several deep breaths. “Because I don't want to
get fired.”
“Come
on, Jacob.” At this, the other guard motioned. “We'd
better get back to our posts.”
“Right.”
At
this, the two guards began to jog back to the main gate, while the
princess gave a sigh. Turning back to her bedroom doors, she pulled
her hair worriedly at the thought of inevitable war. She worried,
too, about Endymion, and how already the lies were spreading amongst
the guards about her noble prince.
My
Endymion, in a ladies' bath??.....Never.....
!~*~!
It
didn't take very long for the armies of Earth to assemble. In fact,
most of the troops had been waiting outside of the great cave, many
of them shivering with anticipation and hypothermia.
“Well,
if it isn't a bit nippy!” Several soldiers were trying
to warm each other up by hugging one another, to no avail. “You
know, in other circumstances, doing this would get us stoned, you
know.”
“I
know.” Icicles had formed on the men's beards. “This
better be one really good hellish demon to make us wait in this
godforsaken weather!”
"Heeey!
Someone shouted in the rear. "There's a cloud coming!"
"Cloud...?"
At this, the soldiers looked up and frowned. "Well, of course
there're clouds, you idiot! It's snowing!"
"Noo!"
At this, the person in the rear shouted back. "I mean...."
All
of a sudden, a black cloud burst from the cave - first like a spring,
then like an inescapable billow of smoke. It hovered over the army,
blocking out all else in the vicinity.
"That
cloud!"
"Oh,
that cloud." The soldiers began to cough as it descended
on them. "Woah, someone's been eating chilli beans!"
"And
eggs, blaaugh!" One of the soldiers took a deep breath to try
and hold it, but stopped midway. "On the other hand, all of a
sudden, I feel really good."
"Hey,
me too!" Murmurs began "I feel like I could kill a few
people right now!"
"Yeah!
I feel like I can break things!" Another solder took another's
polearm and smashed it in two on his knee. "Give me something to
break!"
"....You
asshole." The now-weaponless soldier glared at him. "That
was my weapon! Now how'm I supposed to decapitate people!?"
"I
don't know. Use a karate chop."
"....Who
do you think I am, Chuck Norris?!" At this, the weaponless
soldier karate chopped the man who broke his weapon upside the neck,
severing his head on contact. "I'm not a Texas Range-hey, it
worked!!"
"Look,
look! The Sage!"
The
crowd began to shout in surprise as the smoke - and the stench -
disappeared, revealing Beryl and the four Heavenly Kings walking
towards them. Behind them was a giant black cloud with two red eryes,
which caused some of the people present to tremble at the sight;
most, however, trusted their leader and cheered.
"Behold!"
In a loud, clear voice, Beryl spoke. "I bring you the Metaria
monster! After centuries of imprisonment, it is now free, and shall
do our bidding!"
"YEAH!!!"
The army began to shout. "To the moon!"
"Death
to the moon queen!!"
"We
shall be guided," Beryl continued. "By the power of this
monster, and by the tactics of my loyal servants, the generals of
Earth. We will take the moon by surprise, and establish a new order
tha-"
"Hey!
This guy's got a British accent!!"
A
part of the crowd began to surge forward as they brought forth a
bedraggled man to the front. The poor man began to tremble as people
began to poke him with their weapons.
"We
don't need the Beatles or sheep or those stupid pastees!!" The
crowd shouted. "Let's KILL him!!"
“No,
no!” Beryl waved her hand. “No killing British people!
And I happen to like pastees, thank you.”
“Oh.........Well,
what about this French guy we found?!” People began to shout
again as another man was pushed forward. “We can do without
their fries and toast in the new order!”
“NO!”
“But-”
“We
are EARTHLINGS!” The last word was shouted so loudly, it
drove the crowd to silence. “No matter where you come from, we
are ONE! We are UNITED! And we all have but ONE enemy - and they are
on the moon, laughing at you and your weakness as we speak!"
"....Ok."
At this, one person hissed to the outed Briton. "All right, you
got off easy this time, Jack..."
"For
honor! For conquest!"
"For
POP TARTS!!"
The
small crowd roared at the last hurrah, spoken by an unknown grunt.
The thought of S'more and strawberry-flavored toaster pastries egged
the soldiers on more than nearly anything else. It was said that the
taste was both sweet and stale, and the people of Earth wished to try
it out.
".....Really....."
Rolling
her eyes at this as she turned back to Metaria, Beryl sighed. The
monster had been retrofitted with a giant rocket inside the cave,
which was attached to what was determined to be its sphincter.
"Let's
just get going, ok?"
"Graaaugh."
The monster responded with sparkles in its eyes. "Cookie
dough......pop taaaarts..."
"....Whatever."
At this, Beryl leaped onto the monster. "Preparing gas
propulsion mode! And....CHAAAAAARGE!!!!!"
"HOORAY!!"
The crowd shouted in response. "LONG LIVE SAGE BERYL!!!"
Her
staff glowing, the rebel struck the head of the cloud, and instantly
the monster let out another bout of flatulence. This time, however,
it powered the rockets, and it slowly began to rise off of the
ground.
"Aaaand.....we
have lift off!" Immediately, the crowd swarmed towards the
cloud, led by the generals. "I hope for your sakes you all went
to the bathroom....!"
Soon,
all of the soldiers had been enveloped inside of the demon, and, with
one mighty fart, the monster suddenly blasted off. Within moments, it
had passed the earth's atmosphere; the soldiers inside were magically
shielded from space. Soon, it was nothing but a black dot in the
Arctic sky, and even sooner than that, it had disappeared completely.
".....Hmm."
At this, several polar bears began to come out of their hiding spots,
looking up. "This won't end well."
"And
to think, that red-haired lady believes Metaria's under her control."
One of the bears shook their head. "Well, there goes our
planets."
"....Pity."
With
that, the polar bears turned away and returned to their dens. They
had planned a clam-bake for next week, but it appeared it would have
to be bumped up if they were to have it before they all died.
Meanwhile, the clouds parted to reveal the crystal-white full moon.
A
moon with a moon kingdom that, the bears knew, would not survive the
night.
